Dear Evan,

So, I met this great guy online. We’ve been exclusive nearly from the start and we really like each other.

However, he’s moving really fast. He said I love you on the 5th date. I just had a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. He’s said repeatedly that he will take this at my pace, but he’s made it clear that he’s found "the one" and that’s me! While all this is great, it’s a little frightening. Are these red flags? He’s been divorced and dating for about 6 years, so he’s been there and done just about all of that. I’ve only been divorced and dating for about a year and a half and am still finding my way through life as an independent person. He says, and he’s proven in subtle ways, that he’s willing to give me whatever space I need—that he loves me and that’s it for him.

Is this normal? I’ve never experienced this kind of strong emotion from a man. Was I just with the wrong guys if they were more apathetic? If I was more apathetic?

I am falling in love with him, at my own pace, but I’m just wondering if my dating radar isn’t picking up on something here.

Help me figure out if I’m missing something here or do I have a really great guy?

Steffi

Dear Steffi,
I really relish these role-reversal emails, because it just goes to show that it’s never just a “man” thing or a “woman” thing.

Men can be prudish about sex and emotionally vulnerable.

Women can be on the fence about commitment and concerned about clingy men. 

Relationships are about people with emotional needs. And those needs are universal.

The above links are probably somewhat instructive. After all, you’re not the first person who’s been concerned that a man has fallen for her too fast.

But let’s take your question on its surface, based solely on what you told me.

Let’s give this guy points for the important things. First of all, he’s being real with you. No games here. (Funny how people complain that they don’t like games, then when someone is nakedly honest with them, they get that “deer in the headlights” look?)

You’ve become the perfect vehicle for all of his dreams and desires, and, from that pedestal, you can’t be on equal footing.

Second of all, he’s self-aware enough to see that he’s freaking you out, which is why he came back with, “We’ll take it at your pace.” Which means, roughly, “I’m going to do a very poor job of pretending I’m not totally whipped on you, and I pray for the day when you show me you’re whipped on me, although that probably won’t happen because it’s hard to respect a guy who is so whipped so soon.”

What’s heartening about your situation, Stef, is that you say you’re falling in love with him at your own pace. That’s usually not the reaction that women have to guys who come on too strong. Credit goes to you for seeing this guy as the man he is, rather than being overwhelmed by his one-sided passion. That said, there IS a red flag. This guy is projecting a LOT onto you. You’ve become the perfect vehicle for all of his dreams and desires, and, from that pedestal, you can’t be on equal footing. I suspect he knows intellectually that you don’t walk on water, but when he’s going through that “puppy love” phase, there’s no room for realism….

Continued on next page >>       Pages:   1 2

Dear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them. 

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.” 

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal"…

Continued on next page >>       Pages:   1 2

Dear Evan,

Having the experience you do with online dating, I was wondering what you think about some of the psychology of online dating.  Is there a phenomenon of addiction to it?  I was wondering because it seems like so many people have profiles online either the same site or multiple sites for lengthy periods of time. I can search Match.com and then come back a year or two later and the same guys are still on the site and usually with the same picture.  Also, I dated a guy for a time who almost seems to be addicted.  What do you think?  
Barb

Dear Barb,

There are two things going on in your question, and I want to address them separately:

First, let’s dispel the notion that there’s something wrong with someone who’s a) on Match.com two years after he signed up, and b) signed up for multiple dating sites.

Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I’m doing must be.”

It’s pure hypocrisy. The only way you’d know if the same guy was on Match.com two years later is if YOU were on the site two years later. The only way you’d know that he’s also on eHarmony is if you’re ALSO on eHarmony. Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I’m doing must be.”

So to set the record straight: going on multiple dating sites means that you’re looking to expand your options. Maybe your month ran out on JDate and you want to try SawYouAtSinai. Maybe the pickings were slim on Chemistry, so you branched out to PerfectMatch. Maybe you’ve been rejected by everyone on DateMyPet, so you decide to bark up a different tree like AnimalAttraction.

There is another myth in your question, Barb—the idea that someone who signed up on Match in January ‘06 and is still on in January ‘08 has been on for two consecutive years. Let’s say he dated seven people in his first two months and then found a happy relationship that lasted for a year and a half. After a month of mourning and attempted make-up sex, he reposts his profile once again. All YOU can see is that the same face is still on there, two years later, when, in fact, this guy is the perfect example of an online dating success. He loved, he lost, and he came back for more.

Yeah, I’M that guy….

Continued on next page >>       Pages:   1 2

I usually don’t rerun blog posts, but this one just felt timely. Written in August 2007 by my girlfriend, right after our six month anniversary, the below piece gives three pearls of wisdom that you do not want to forget.

The fact that we’re still together after 15 months has EVERYTHING to do with what you’re about to read, and it explains why I’m never going to let my girlfriend go.

Enjoy.

=========================================================================================

When Evan first threw out the idea of having me contribute to his blog, I thought, “Who, me? I’m not the expert!”

My dating history could not be more different than his. He has dated LOTS of women, has had many girlfriends and, for the bulk of his adult life, has been single and dating prolifically. I am quite the opposite. I can count on one hand (yes, ONE hand) the number of boyfriends I’ve had since turning 17. Of those relationships, all but one lasted for 3 years or more, and one developed into a marriage that, alas, ended in divorce. You might call me a Serial Monogamist.

Even though my background is completely different from Evan’s, we generally agree on the things that count. I never really thought about why it’s been so easy for us until he asked me to write this column. But after a little thinking – and some lengthy conversations with my best friend – this is what I came up with. I hope it makes sense to any relationship-minded females who are reading this. Here goes…

Advice from a Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend

Don’t Cry Wolf

“Women are crazy.”

How many times have you heard this from your mate, your brother, or a guy friend?

If we were to “emote” every time a little thing rubs us the wrong way…Men literally become desensitized to our emotional outbursts.

I’ve heard it more than I care to admit, and, sadly, I can’t entirely refute it. The fact that we are more in touch with our feelings means that sometimes our emotions get the best of us. It’s natural. And, yet, do we have to let that happen all the time? Do the men in our lives have to walk on eggshells in fear that something they say will set us off? Do they have to always be extra cautious in case we start yelling, crying, or giving them the silent treatment?

If something bothers us in the relationship, it makes sense to let them know. But what if we were to “emote” every time a little thing rubs us the wrong way? Then when something important comes along and we are justified in being a little emotional, he will not take it seriously. Men literally become desensitized to our emotional outbursts. So rather than him saying, “Honey, what did I do that upset you?”, instead he thinks, “Here we go again, another dose of the crazy.”…

Continued on next page >>       Pages:   1 2 3 4

Not in THAT way, silly. I’m just looking for an amazing and passionate intern to work closely with me on this blog. Why go to Craigslist when I have you guys?

Anyway, I will be choosing one loyal reader (and dedicated soul) to be responsible for posting all my blogs on this site and other content aggregators. I know, I know, it ain’t glamorous, but there are some perks:

You get to read ALL the incoming email questions, including the weird sex ones, the ones from sweet but naive fifteen year old girls, and the semi-literate ones from men in Chad looking for American wives.

You get to DECIDE which questions I answer. Seriously. I receive over a hundred and fifty questions each month. You narrow it down to 8, of which I’ll write about 4. This is why finding a regular reader who knows the majority of this material is paramount. Computer skills are a bonus, but someone who really LOVES this relationship stuff is ideal.

You get to delete the comments of people who insult me and other readers. Only one rule to remember. Dissenting opinions are okay. Being rude to the host and other guests is not.

You get a sneak preview of each of my answers one month in advance. I may type fast and spell well, but I’m still prone to bouts of stupidity, redundancy, and cluelessness. It’s your job to make me look good.  

To be super-clear - I’m not making it sound like you’re super lucky to be sifting thru my emails. It is, after all, a non-paid position. However, if you’re passionate about the subject of dating and relationships, and can give me a few hours every month, I would be extremely grateful.

Oh, one final perk: If you ever thought, "I’D like to be a dating coach…" this is how you’d get your start. Seriously.

If you’re responsible, trustworthy, and computer literate, write a brief email to support at e-cyrano. com explaining why you’re right for the job and how much time you have to give. Subject header is Cool Gig. Your name and phone # would also be nice, thanks.

I really appreciate you taking a second to read thru my public service announcement. Our regular programming will resume on Wed, May 14 with Online Dating Addiction! May 21st, we’ve got the Curse of the Attractive Woman.

I do so love this job…

Evan

P.S. Want better results in your love life? Click here to read my FREE eBook "7 Secrets for Dating Success" and receive news about all my new articles, products and seminars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Evan,

I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting - through his actions and emotions - is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.

"Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week." 

The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.

He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.

I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.

Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for "friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.

Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!

Thank you!
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (see The Best of Evan Marc Katz – If You’re Seeing a Man Who Won’t Call, Commit, or Make an Effort For You). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….

Continued on next page >>       Pages:   1 2