I have around 25 people that I speak/preach to on Sunday mornings and I stay in contact with through church services or email. Truly, I can foresee that someday any or all of my single students (ranging in age from 22-55) could find the right person, with one exception. Dan is a very overweight (at least 75 pounds), 35 year old male who is quite interested in sports and is somewhat involved in church activities.

What I felt where at least 2 wonderful potential female matches have come along for him to pursue; however, his response is always the same: "I am not attracted to them", because these females have similar physical characteristics that he has.

Dan is truly one of my best friends and often does activities with my wife and I and our 3 children. His taste in women is so superficial that if an attractive female were to show any interest in him (despite any other similar characteristics) he would leap head over heels for her, and I am afraid would be in deeper trouble.

He sadly does not have the personality it would take to win the type of girl he is dreaming of.  He feels very comfortable around men and ladies that are older and younger. However any girl anywhere near his age or that is the least bit attractive, he cannot even bring himself to speak to her for a lack of confidence. I have advised him that he must compensate for his lack of physical attractiveness with personality, yet he feels that having a nice car or dressing sharply or buying a girl flowers or candy should be all that is required to win the heart of a prospect.  He regularly (4 times per week) will text me to ask if I have found him a woman. I have known Dan for 20 years and truly don’t know how to help him. His senior pastor has had counseling sessions with him to no avail. Any suggestions?

Thanks,

Jeff

I know this guy in Los Angeles who is successful in the entertainment business. He doesn’t have the issues that your friend Dan has – no social awkwardness, no obesity - but he is short, heavy and balding. Anyway, a couple of years ago, we were hanging out with friends on a hot July day, and we were watching women go by. I pointed out an attractive brunette passing by on a bicycle.

Just because you’re attracted to a George Clooney or a Angelina Jolie doesn’t mean you have the ability to date them.

“Nah,” he said. “She’s not my type.” I was shocked. I wasn’t aware he was in the position to be so choosy. Oh, but he was. In fact, this man made it very clear that it’s the hardest part of finding a girlfriend was that nobody’s attractive enough for him. He’ll only date women that are “8’s” on a scale of 1-10.

Later that night, we were at a bar. I was chatting up a beautiful woman in her mid 20’s and we spotted my guy friend across the room. “On a scale of 1-10, where would you rank that guy?” I asked her. Without hesitation, she answered:

“He’s a 3.”

If that’s not dating in a nutshell, I don’t know what is.

Despite our iffy self-esteem, we tend to overrate ourselves in terms of what we “deserve” to date. Just because you’re attracted to a George Clooney or a Angelina Jolie doesn’t mean you have the ability to date them…. 

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Hello Evan,

I’ve been exclusively dating a nice guy for almost eight months now. We’ve had good times together and he is always there for me when I need him. The thing is, before he met me, he was very promiscuous. (I don’t have a lot of dating experience.) He’s very into how men attract women and how they market themselves on the dating scene. When we watch movies with a relationship plotline, he takes care to tell me what the man is doing right/wrong. He wishes to have a motivational speaking career or a relationship counseling career when he graduates.

What bothers me is that he wants to teach guys how to attract women. The worst thing is that he says he wants to practice picking up women and getting numbers in order to be able to teach them. He says he’s not going to use the numbers or anything but he wants to practice so he can teach others and so he gains credibility as an attraction expert. He asked me if that was OK with me. I’m not stupid, and this bothers me a lot. He’s told me that he’s not going to do it since it bothers me, but this is the 3rd time he’s asked this question. He told me not to tell my friends that he asked the question, because they would probably think it was weird. I want to know how or IF I can get him to curb his flirtatious ways.  I’ve explained to him how important it is to me but he doesn’t seem to get it. I want our relationship to work. Is he just not a one-woman man?

Jen

Wow, Jen. This is a question that could NOT have been asked five years ago.

Suddenly, lifetime virgins realize that all it takes to have a little “game” is a decent opening line and the confidence to fail. It’s a lesson, frankly, that EVERYBODY should learn. If only more people were as proactive as the PUAs, there’d be a lot more action and a lot less complaining out there.

Thanks to the emergence of the pick-up artist (PUA) community, there’s an entire subculture devoted to the very pursuits that fascinate your boyfriend. And, really, it IS fascinating, from a psychological perspective. A group of socially awkward men have learned, through trial and error, the SCIENCE of attracting women. In order to arrive at these techniques, they go out frequently to refine what works and what doesn’t, before reporting back to their online communities.

Pathetic? Maybe. Effective? Definitely.

Suddenly, lifetime virgins realize that all it takes to have a little “game” is a decent opening line and the confidence to fail. It’s a lesson, frankly, that EVERYBODY should learn. If only more people were as proactive as the PUAs, there’d be a lot more action and a lot less complaining out there. Of course, the problem is that some men turn this pursuit into a sport, a hobby and an obsession all rolled into one. And if you’re the girlfriend of one of these guys, watch out. It’s hard to feel secure when your boyfriend is picking up on other women, if only to further his “career"…

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Hi Evan!

I have a dating question. What do you do when your parents don’t approve or feel that the person you love/dating is the right person for you? Do you respect their wishes and find someone who is welcome at home and around your family, or do you follow your heart and stay with the person you love even if your parents may not attend the wedding?

Sincerely,

Gili

Dear Gili,

Let me guess – you’re Jewish.

Yeah, me, too.

And while I like to maintain a separation between church and date, I don’t think your culture can be entirely ignored here.

I’ve explored this concept before, in relation to successful women, but I think it applies to Judaism as well. In short, good qualities come with bad qualities. They can’t be separated.

Good parenting means giving your kids the tools to make good decisions, NOT making decisions for them.

So if your parents are super-caring and attentive, they’re likely to be overprotective.

If they’re intelligent, they’re likely to be opinionated.

If they’re the CHOSEN people, they’re likely to look upon others as NOT chosen people.

Okay, so, maybe I’m making religion the unfair scapegoat for your parents’ judgment of your boyfriend, without any real context. Maybe he’s a drug dealer. Maybe he’s a slacker. Maybe he’s got a tattoo of a skull over his left eye. There are some genuine concerns that parents can have about who’s dating their daughter. But in the absence of tangible “you’re hurting yourself and risking life-long sorrow” reasons?

Parents just need to back the fuck up.

Good parenting means giving your kids the tools to make good decisions, NOT making decisions for them.

EVERY SINGLE HAPPY PERSON I KNOW is happy because of independent choices – not predetermined plans foisted upon them by overbearing parents.

I’m going to briefly use myself as an example, since I never, ever do that.

When I declared in 1993 that I was cancelling my LSATs and becoming a comedy writer, my parents supported me.

When I decided that I wasn’t going to pursue screenwriting anymore and that I was going to film school to be a professor, my parents supported me….

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Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.  My problem is deciding how to list my body type.  I’m 5′3" and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not "athletic and toned."  I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as "A few pounds extra" thinking it was an honest description.  Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or "curvy", because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

• Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
• Why men avoid “curvy” women!
• Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
• Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

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