Dear Evan,

I really need your help. Here is the deal. I have been dating this girl now for 2 and half months. We were good friends for 5 months before one-night things changed and we ended up having sex. I have known her all my life, since her parents and mine have been friends for over 30 years. She lives in NYC but is moving home to Buffalo to go to law school this July, and I myself am here at medical school in Buffalo .

She tells me she wants to take it slow. She says she feels like she is in more of a relationship with me then she has felt in her past relationships, which she considered to be actual relationships. She also is not the best communicator of her feelings when it comes to how she personally feels. She told me that she has talked to me more about how she personally feels then all her other relationships combined; I’m not sure if I should be happy about that or not.

I told her I have no problem taking it slow. We are sexually exclusive with each other, but she gets upset sometimes when I do really nice things for her. She says that me taking her to expensive dinners and stuff of that nature is moving too fast and that I do too many nice things. She feels that if she does not reciprocate, then it makes her feel like the bad guy or some such nonsense.  But I am just naturally a romantic person and I like to do that stuff. So I have been trying to not call her as much and some days I just ignore her and do my own thing. But I feel by trying not to call as much and not be as romantic as I want to be I am playing some silly game with her. I don’t see what is so wrong with a boyfriend who wants to make his woman happy all the time, it’s not like I’m asking for anything in return. Oh and that brings me to another point: I dare not refer to her as “my girlfriend”. I guess because that sounds very relationship, and she is not ready for that.

So I guess I’m trying to ask what do I do? Do I take it slow like she says and really back off? Since we slept together we have only been together on nine dates. I wish I knew how she really felt. I mean her actions tell me that she is really into me but I’m just not super sure. I come from a family where we tell each other how we feel all the time and she comes from one where stuff is just assumed. Ugggh. What should I do? Am I just over thinking all this stuff? Please help!!!!

Daniel

Congratulations, Daniel. You’re the woman in the relationship.

Congratulations, Daniel. You’re the woman in the relationship.

And I say that with a wink and a nod, because it’s not an insult; it’s just an archetype.

After all, how many letters have you read here from women who could have said the same thing, verbatim?

“He wants to take it slow.”

“He is not the best communicator of his feelings.”

“By trying not to call as much and not be as romantic as I want to be, I feel I’m playing a silly game with him.”

“I dare not refer to him as my boyfriend; he is not ready for that.”

“His actions tell me that he’s really into me, but I’m just not sure.”

So yes, Daniel, your letter seems like it could have been ripped out of the pages of Glamour or Cosmo, but that’s a good thing. It shows us that emotions and feelings and commitment are not exclusively female territory….

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I cannot express how excited I am. I just received this email from a reader who subscribes to my newsletter and also had her profile written by E-Cyrano. If this doesn’t illustrate the value of changing your approach to dating, I don’t know what does. Enjoy, and please offer your congratulations to Laura in the comments below!

Dear Evan,

Your newsletter in my email today really struck a chord for me and I had to write.

Last December I finally realized I was doing something not quite right in the whole dating process. I wasn’t meeting guys that I clicked with, and the ones I felt the click with were not getting it on their side. It was frustrating and lonely and I got to the point where I was telling myself that I was done with the whole idea of dating after 40. Clearly there was no one out there who was interested in a 40 something woman with three kids who was a self-professed pop culture geek. I don’t fit the conventional picture of what most men my age are looking for. I was very definitely never going to be the "it girl" on any dating service.  I gave myself one more month and one more expense and then I was going to call it quits. Things were getting dire.

So I went for the new profile, and I was really pleased with how it came out. I thought it made me sound how I truly saw myself and I was hopeful that it would be the thing that finally set me on the path to meeting The One. Along with my new profile, I was reading your column obsessively, taking your advice to heart and trying to think about how to respond to emails, how to act on any dates I might actually get, how to keep all your words of dating wisdom in my head and not make some silly mistake that would cost me that great guy who fit into my criteria.

At the same time, I started thinking harder about one piece of advice in particular and that was about which men I was counting out as possibilities. I thought I was pretty open about a lot of things but I did have some hard and fast rules about things I couldn’t possibly budge on. One of those things at the time was religion. I’m not a religious person, and I was sure that trying to make a match with a man who was religious enough to mention it in his profile was just asking for trouble. After all, religion’s pretty major, right?

Right…

But then there was this profile that came up on one of my searches. Great guy. Funny, clever, smart, good looking. Similar interests. Close by - a real plus! But… but he’s got a whole paragraph there about his religious beliefs and how important they are to him.  Too bad.

Except I couldn’t stop coming back to his profile over and over again. Something there was just so compelling. I smiled every time I read it. So finally I decided "How bad could it be? One wink, one email, one drink and we either hit it off or we don’t. Try something new, Laura. The old way is sure not working for you."

So I winked. He winked back. We emailed. We talked on the phone. We went to dinner. This was in December.

He moved in with me in June. I have never been so happy or felt so understood and appreciated in my life. His son and my sons get along as if they’d been brothers their whole lives. So I second your advice - give that person who’s just one or two marks off "the perfect list" a try.

Thanks for that push I needed to toss my list aside.

Laura D.
Pennsylvania

Click here to get your profile written by E-Cyrano.

Click here to subscribe to my free newsletter.

Click here to work with me one-on-one.

A great laugh on a lazy Friday…

ZombieHarmony.

Have an amazing weekend.

Evan

I met this wonderful man at physical therapy, whom I noticed from the beginning was attracted to me. The problem is he is my physical therapist. Soon, he started flirting with me, and I followed the lead. Although he has not been direct, the way he looks at me suggests he is interested. During one of my therapy sections, when I asked him if he wanted to go to lunch with me, he replied, “I wish I could go” and then became very serious. I felt so stupid afterwards. However, several times since then, he suggested that I should head to the lake after my appointment. I know he goes to the lake regularly. 

Is he suggesting I go there to meet him? Should I ask him directly if he is interested? I don’t want to look desperate but I think he is worth the risk.

Dalia

Dear Dalia,

Worth the risk? What risk?

That’s the lesson of today’s blog.

“The only risk is the one not taken”.

Do you realize that men take that risk every single day? That it is expected that they are the aggressors? That it’s their societally ingrained job to introduce themselves to women and set themselves up for rejection?

I’m not even saying that I have a problem with it. I just think that risk and rejection is something that many women could stand to experience themselves. Something about walking a mile in another man’s shoes comes to mind.

Why struggle to figure out “what he’s thinking” when you could just, I don’t know – ASK HIM!

From the hints that the doctor dropped, it sounds like he is interested in you, but doesn’t want to conduct personal matters on business grounds. That line about going to the lake sounds a little more creepy than enticing, but hey, if that’s how he rolls, it’s up to you.

But it would seem like the most authentic thing to do – and this applies to ANYONE in this situation – is to have an authentic conversation. Women love the concept of this, yet struggle with the execution.

Why struggle to figure out “what he’s thinking” when you could just, I don’t know – ASK HIM!

Let’s play the worst case scenario back to you:

“So, Dr. Feelgood…would you like to have a drink after work one day?”

“A drink? But why? I don’t need more than five minutes to help you rehab your arm.”

“Oh, I just thought that you—“

“I’m sorry. Really?”

“Yeah. With the whole lake thing, it sounded like you might be—“

“No. I can’t fraternize with my patients, although it is flattering. Now back to your tendon…”

I mean, honestly, Dalia, how much worse could it go? How much are you really losing by putting yourself on the line? If you have such a low threshold for embarrassment, you can get another physical therapist, but so what?

If neither of you take action because of fear of rejection, NOTHING HAPPENS. And what’s worse? Knowing that you like each other but don’t have the guts to do something? Or having a two minute uncomfortable conversation?

There’s no reason for you to show up at the lake and hope he’s there.

You’re an adult. He’s an adult. Try having an adult conversation.

I’ll bet you both like it.

Want better results in your love life? Click here to read my FREE eBook "7 Secrets for Dating Success" and receive news about all my new articles, products and seminars.

 

 

Dear Evan,

I really hope you can help me with this predicament.  About a month and a half ago, I met this guy at a bar, the day after I had just ended a very short and confusing juvenile relationship.  He seemed like a stand up guy and we flirted and talked a lot.  I needed to take things slow because of where I was in life—just out of a relationship and just having graduated college.  On our fourth date, the issue of race and religion came up.  We are different religions and races, mine being more conservative on both accounts, but I told him I make decisions on the future of relationships based on each individual person.  The issue of sex also came up, and I was straightforward, truthful, and tactful and told him that I made a personal choice to not have sex outside of marriage and that I was a virgin.  He said that was great and he really respects that.

It was after this conversation that he seemed to change.  He started calling me almost every day, and on our fifth date, he told me that I had “most of the qualities he looks for in a woman.”  He wanted to define the relationship, which I was not ready for at this point.  On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me”   Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background.  I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.  I like this guy but whoa!

I freaked out at this point, and withdrew a little.  When I tried to talk to him about everything, he made light of the comments.  Although, when I pressed him about the reasons why he liked me so much, he listed, in the following order:  1) that I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across and that he respected that, 2) I was “cool people” to hang out with, 3) we got along well, 4) I was educated.  What am I to make of this guy?  I expected reason #4 to be higher on the list, and reason #1 to be lower.

What are your insights?  Should I end this for good?  Is he crazy?  Am I crazy?

Effei

Virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

A multilayered question from a booksmart girl. Where to begin?

Let’s start with the virginity thing.

I’ve answered questions from virgins before and really feel for them. It’s not easy having a moral code that is out of step with the majority of the world.

Then again, virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

Frankly, that’s a bit messed up, and I’d be concerned if I were you.

Now I’ll admit – I don’t fully understand the virgin until marriage thing.

I don’t understand why a man would prefer someone with no sexual experience whatsoever. It’s like trying to train an employee to type when you’re used to people who can type 75wpm.

And I also don’t understand it from the virgin’s perspective. Sex doesn’t have to be procreative. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, although it’s nice. And sex is, by most accounts, a really fun pastime. Not only is it a great way to kill twenty minutes before you go to sleep, but it’s also an exhilarating bonding experience between two people….

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Subscribers to my newsletter already know about this, but I wanted to open it up to you as well.

I’ve been listening very closely to your requests over the years. And the same things come up, over and over:

• "Why do people email me, then suddenly stop writing back?"
• "How can I keep my ego up after this much rejection?"
• "How come I’m not attracted to anyone who writes to me, yet
  the people I write to aren’t responsive to me?"
• "What can I do to make sure my first dates are more
  enjoyable?"
• "Is there another website that would be more effective for my
  goals?"
• "It seems I’m being unfairly discriminated against based on
  my age. What advice do you have for someone like me?"
• "I’ve followed all of your techniques, Evan, and it’s STILL
  not working for me. What do I do now?"

These questions are straight from YOUR calls and YOUR emails to me. Now I want to give you the support you need to take your love life to the next level.

On Wednesday, July 16th at 9:00pm EST / 6:00pm PST, I will be hosting a FREE one-hour teleclass designed to answer your most pressing dating questions. Entitled "How to Have A Successful Love Life (Even When You Want to Give Up!)" this class is FREE.

That’s right: FREE

Have I mentioned that it’s FREE?

Yeah, it’s been a rough summer financially and I really wanted to give something back to you for being a loyal reader. I really hope you enjoy the call.

Here are the details:

Who: You, if you’re still single and interested in finding love.
What: A FREE dating coaching teleseminar
Where: Click here to register now!
When: Wednesday, July 16th at 9:00pm EST / 6:00pm PST
Why: Because it has everything. You. Me. Questions. Answers. And the ever-present potential to have a breakthrough that
helps you find the partner you deserve.

Talk to you soon.

Evan

 

The New York Times had a story yesterday on their Freakonomics blog, in which people rated themselves in both looks and intelligence. Not surprisingly, most seemed to slightly overrate themselves. I wish they took a few more average people to get a broader perspective.

This reminds me of an experiment in which I asked a handful of people to rate themselves in four categories: Looks, Intelligence, Personality, and Career. No one judged themselves as less than a 7 in any single category. Most were 8s and 9s across the board.

No one judged themselves as less than a 7 in any single category. Most were 8s and 9s across the board.

That might mean that these were extraordinary people. More likely it means that we all have a slight disconnect between how we see ourselves and how others see us. The good news is that having a combination of self-esteem and self-delusion seems to be exactly what allows us to function. How would we feel if we didn’t believe we’re above average in every single way? I’m not sure I’d want to know.

Anyway, since we’re all anonymous, what do you say we try the experiment here? Answer these 3 questions in the comments below:

Where do you rank yourself in Looks, Intelligence, Personality, Career?

How would you rank the "typical" person you date? Do you rank them higher or lower than you?

How do you think others would rank you behind your back?

If I have to participate (and I probably do), I’d give myself straight 7s. Maybe an 8.5 on intelligence, if I were to be embarrassingly honest. Maybe a 6.5 on career if I were to be more embarrassingly honest. But then, I do strive to achieve much more in life.

My typical girlfriends would be ranked a bit higher. Similar in looks, but generally impressive careers and great personalities.

And I don’t even want to know what others would say about me behind my back. I take back the question! But it is something to think about. 

Anyway, I’d be curious to hear your answers below, as well as your thoughts on why it’s so hard for us to be objective about ourselves.

Evan

(BTW, if you’re really upset about the idea of "ranking", or the fact that things like "kindness" aren’t on the list, your comments are duly noted. This is a very unscientific experiment.)

I am tall, blonde, 36, and curvy.  I also have a unique problem. I was raised by a "player type" father, and I am unfortunately too comfortable with their games.  As a result, I blow men off very quickly when I see the signs of being a “player”. If they don’t call me when they say they will, I just move on and delete their number. When they do call and I don’t recognize the number, they get upset. If they ask me out for Sunday and don’t call to confirm, I assume we are not going. When I do talk to them, they ask why I didn’t call and get upset. I know if I sleep with them on the first date, they will not call me ever, so I don’t chase them, even if we have a great two days of conversation and sex.  I do sometimes wonder if I should though.  If I know I am going to sleep with the guy, I will tell them up front that I want sex because I know we won’t see each other again. They try to woo me over and say I am wrong and I just say “who cares”. I sometimes think I am already assuming it is over before it begins because I know "he isn’t that into me".

How do I know if they are into me since I now think like men?  I feel like they have to basically kiss my ass until I become fully aware, because now I feel as though I am somehow rejecting them before they have a chance.  Is that okay or am I just being smart?  Hard to ask my friends because they’re needy and I’m not.  I do not call unless they call, chase or bug unless I want sex. In person “I live in the moment,” knowing full well men do too.  I even listen to the “I want a family speech” and smile and playfully change the subject since I know it is meaningless. They even give me the speech that they are not ready for a commitment and I know they are trying to protect me, but I find it odd because I didn’t do anything to warrant the conversation. I know if he is into you, he will act it and all these speeches mean nothing.  (You can tell all your female clients that these guys call me for years as friends because I don’t chase them, BTW).  

I am just bothered because I am not dating them, and I want to date and have a good time and eventually find a good partner. I think I am pretty hot and fun so I am not too worried. Most younger men chase me, men my age are threatened and older men just don’t have the energy, but yes, chase hard. They all tell me “I am too cool” - and I don’t say that with pride BTW.  

So, Evan, am I being too cool or really playing smart?  How do I get to the dating part or is this normal by weeding out so quickly?  And why do they all, I mean all, come back to me after I blow them off?  

Thanks for your time!

Tray

Dear Tray,

It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!

The bright spot is that your understanding of men will make you great in a relationship. But in order to get into a relationship, you have to work backwards to find out what’s not working for you.

Here’s what’s not working for you:

You think that because you understand male behavior, you should be the woman men want to date.

Not quite.

You’re trying to be “smart” by cutting off men at the first hint of games. But they’re not even PLAYING games. They’re calling you, wondering what they did wrong, trying hard to win your favor, but to no avail. By looking for any sign that a guy’s going to hurt you, and turning it into a reason to freeze him out, you ultimately leave yourself alone and use your “coolness” as the excuse. It’s the world’s greatest defense mechanism – let nobody in, nobody can hurt you. Congratulations, you win!!…

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I am noticing a trend in men who I write to or men who write to me online. They are leaving their phone numbers and when I respond with here’s my number, "I’ll be home Monday evening", they just email me back leaving their number again and say "call me". I remember you said it was up to them to call, should I just write them off if they don’t call me or take the first step?  I have tried going ahead and calling a couple and it worked out OK but I really didn’t like the way it made me feel. Is there a protocol that if you are the one that starts communications you should be the first one to call? A couple of guys that did this I wasn’t that excited about I just dropped and they never called. What’s this all about?

Carol

Dear Carol,

If a guy wants to meet with you, but can’t take the effort to pick up the phone, he clearly doesn’t want to meet you that bad.

But there’s more to it than that, which is why I chose to answer your question this week.

Now, to all our readers, Carol is a private client of mine, and, to be honest, a favorite. She’s in her early 60’s, a tough age for a single woman, but she doesn’t let it get her down. She has a can-do attitude, a great sense of humor, and a healthy perspective on this whole dating thing.

When we were working together on the phone, she had great success and lots of dating options. She was also bombarded by men’s phone numbers, so I gave her a technique to redirect them in a positive way.

Any man who is serious about you can pick up the phone to show it.

If a guy offers his phone number, but you want him to call you, you have to give him a playful counteroffer – one in which he feels encouraged, not rejected.

Dear Fred,

Thanks for the email. Sounds like you have big plans this weekend with your daughter. Let me know if you’re looking for a good restaurant in the Berkeley area.

Anyway, I’m flattered that you offered your number and very much look forward to speaking to you. But, call me traditional – I’d like it even more if you called me. My number is 555-1212 and I’ll be home after 8pm on Thursday night. Look forward to hearing from you then.

Carol

Thus Fred gets what he wants AND Carol gets what she wants. He’s not being rejected. He’s being complimented and encouraged to continue his advances. All Carol asks is for him to make a further investment in her. And she makes it real easy for him by warmly and confidently giving him a window to call. Fred’s job, at that point, is to either call her or to give her another time he can call her. If he ignores her email, she has her answer. Any man who is serious about you can pick up the phone to show it. …

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