May12
Advice From A Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend
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Evan will tell you I’m even-tempered. I’m proud of that because, although it now comes naturally to me, it didn’t always. I’ve been a slave to my emotions in the past and I know it is not pretty when I unleash the crazy on some poor unsuspecting guy. I have since figured out that not every little thing that bugs me is worth an emotional meltdown. But there was a point in our relationship a few months ago that caused me to have feelings I could not control.
Evan RSVP’d to an out-of-town wedding mere moments after meeting me. How could he know that we would turn into a relationship, right? I knew about the wedding, but we never really talked about it as it was months away. Well, months passed and we were still together and before we knew it, the wedding was upon us. I was disappointed that I couldn’t go with him, but he seemed a bit glib about it. At least that’s how I read it.
My feelings may have been justified, or they may have been completely irrational, but because it wasn’t my M.O. to have emotional outbursts, he didn’t just blow it off – he took it seriously.
While Evan was gone, he called me several times each day, texted me during the reception and mentioned over and over that he wished he had brought me. And, yet, even with all this attention, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t care that I wasn’t there with him. I needed to vent. When he returned, I did just that. Instead of thinking I was crazy, Evan listened intently, validated my feelings, and reiterated many times that he wished I had been there. My feelings may have been justified, or they may have been completely irrational, but because it wasn’t my M.O. to have emotional outbursts, he didn’t just blow it off – he took it seriously.
The Golden Rule
This is such a simple concept – treat others as you would like to be treated – that I feel a little silly mentioning it. But truthfully, I think we women are often unaware of the extreme hypocrisy of our behavior. We would never want our mate to boss us around, yet we want to force him to do what we want. Sometimes we use guilt, sometimes we use anger, sometimes we use sex. But we often try to manipulate men in a way that we’d never want to be manipulated ourselves.
If your coworkers invited you to join them for drinks after work, but this was going to delay dinner with your boyfriend, you’d expect him to understand. You wouldn’t even think it was a problem – you’d only call your mate to be polite, not to request permission to have drinks. Yet we often make our men feel like they have to ask for a special, one-time only waiver to slightly change our plans. And then we expect them to “make it up” to us somewhere down the road….
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Filed Under Uncategorized, Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
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Mike May 12th 2008 at 10:19 am 1
Oh this is gold.
Jennifer May 12th 2008 at 11:30 am 2
This girl is THE TRUTH! Loved this post and so glad you re-ran it, as I missed it the first time.
Steve May 12th 2008 at 12:08 pm 3
Wow…just wow. I wish there were questions about this essay every girl’s and woman’s driving test. What a beautiful world it would be.
EGF, if you ever get tired of Evan I know of another single atheist of European Jewish descent
“Advice From A Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend”
- great title for a book. I’m serious
cinnamon May 12th 2008 at 01:24 pm 4
Great post!
Especially the final part of it:
” (he) would end up feeling like he had to walk on eggshells around me for fear that I will interpret something he says in a way that could upset me, even if that is clearly not his intention. So he would end up having a different persona with me than he does with any of his other friends.”
Definitely spurred a few thoughts (and memories) in me. Thanks!
Single Mom Seeking May 13th 2008 at 06:54 am 5
I remember this the first time around — and it’s great to read it again. Thanks so much… that’s coming from a very emotional woman.
So, Evan, when are you going to propose to this amazing woman? That’s the big question.
Leslie May 13th 2008 at 07:02 am 6
She’s good….wise and a good writer. I’ve read this post before and parts of it stuck with me. Now reading it a second time I find even more value. I’d love to hear from your girlfriend (I don’t think you’ve written about her by name) more often.
Kay May 13th 2008 at 09:42 am 7
Hi Evan,
This was a good article. Your girlfriend makes a lot of sense. It’s a good thing all of us aren’t as in tune as she is otherwise you’d have too much time on your hands. I’m wondering when we’ll be hearing your wedding bells too. You seem to have found a wonderful woman, so what are you waiting for? Its okay Evan, you can still give advice on being single and dating even if you get married, because I hear the best way to have a successful marriage is to treat your husband or wife, like you’re still dating… and you are the expert. Take Care.
Steve May 13th 2008 at 11:01 am 8
Kay May 13th 2008 at 09:42 am 7
Hi Evan,
This was a good article. Your girlfriend makes a lot of sense.
Only the U.S. Mint makes cents.
Steve May 13th 2008 at 11:18 am 9
Single Mom Seeking May 13th 2008 at 06:54 am 5
So, Evan, when are you going to propose to this amazing woman? That’s the big question.
Evan, I can get you out of this one…
SMS, Evan wouldn’t have much respect as a dating expert if he didn’t make use of knowledge that he has.
It has been mentioned a number of times on this blog that scientists now believe that the feeling known as romantic love lasts between 1 - 3 years. It has also been mentioned on this blog that while people are in that zone, they are likely to minimize incompatibility issues with the other person, if they notice those issues at all. Romantic love temporarily disables a person’s judgment in regards to who they are with.
So, the most rational time to decide whether or not you should marry someone is after the romantic love phase has worn off and your full judgment in regards to that person has been fully restored.
Evan hasn’t been dating is girlfriend for the maximum of 3 years yet.
JNez May 16th 2008 at 01:44 pm 10
nothing really groundbreaking here. when two people genuinely are in love with and care about each other, it works because they make sacrifices to ensure their partner’s happiness. when one partner is alone in love, it doesn’t happen. most times we are alone in love, and once in a while, we hit the jackpot and find “the one”. hopefully you’ve found yours.
Michele May 18th 2008 at 08:59 am 11
Mike (1).
Her post sure is GOLD, as well as pertinent to any age group, SES and both genders.
vino May 20th 2008 at 09:43 am 12
Golden Rule Section especially good
the foreigner May 27th 2008 at 10:28 am 13
This was a great post, I hope you’ll continue writing.
Though I’ve always wondered exactly _what_ to do when I’m getting the silent treatment from a woman. Should I ask about it or pretend like it’s raining or..?
Thanks =)
hunter May 30th 2008 at 09:31 am 14
Having to work with herds of men all day, I have learned to “tighten” up my conversation if a woman is present. Women are different, they don’t talk like men do. This lead me to walk on eggshells for years…..