Aug31
Special Blog Post! Advice from a Single Dating Expert’s Girlfriend
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Evan will tell you I’m even-tempered. I’m proud of that because, although it now comes naturally to me, it didn’t always. I’ve been a slave to my emotions in the past and I know it is not pretty when I unleash the crazy on some poor unsuspecting guy. I have since figured out that not every little thing that bugs me is worth an emotional meltdown. But there was a point in our relationship a few months ago that caused me to have feelings I could not control.
Evan RSVP’d to an out-of-town wedding mere moments after meeting me. How could he know that we would turn into a relationship, right? I knew about the wedding, but we never really talked about it as it was months away. Well, months passed and we were still together and before we knew it, the wedding was upon us. I was disappointed that I couldn’t go with him, but he seemed a bit glib about it. At least that’s how I read it.
While Evan was gone, he called me several times each day, texted me during the reception and mentioned over and over that he wished he had brought me. And, yet, even with all this attention, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t care that I wasn’t there with him. I needed to vent. When he returned, I did just that. Instead of thinking I was crazy, Evan listened intently, validated my feelings, and reiterated many times that he wished I had been there. My feelings may have been justified, or they may have been completely irrational, but because it wasn’t my M.O. to have emotional outbursts, he didn’t just blow it off – he took it seriously.
The Golden Rule
This is such a simple concept – treat others as you would like to be treated – that I feel a little silly mentioning it. But truthfully, I think we women are often unaware of the extreme hypocrisy of our behavior. We would never want our mate to boss us around, yet we want to force him to do what we want. Sometimes we use guilt, sometimes we use anger, sometimes we use sex. But we often try to manipulate men in a way that we’d never want to be manipulated ourselves.
If your coworkers invited you to join them for drinks after work, but this was going to delay dinner with your boyfriend, you’d expect him to understand. You wouldn’t even think it was a problem – you’d only call your mate to be polite, not to request permission to have drinks. Yet we often make our men feel like they have to ask for a special, one-time only waiver to slightly change our plans. And then we expect them to “make it up” to us somewhere down the road.
Men are so used to this that I think they’ve come to expect and dread it. Case in point: About a month ago, Evan and I had tickets to a classical music concert. A few days after we made the plans, Evan found out that his friend’s whitewater rafting bachelor party was the same weekend. Risking ridicule, he told his friends he couldn’t go to the party because it was on the same weekend as our concert. When I heard this, I immediately told him it was ridiculous to miss an entire weekend of fun with his guy friends for a few hours at a concert. Evan was surprised and admitted this was not what he expected me to say. Why not? I mean, wouldn’t I assume that if the situation were reversed he would give his blessing for me to spend time with my girlfriends? I think men have become so accustomed to giving up their freedom just to be in a relationship that they often lose what makes them men. Not that a relationship isn’t worth the sacrifice, but does it have to be such a sacrifice?
Mulligans
For those not familiar with the golf term, a mulligan happens when a player gets a second chance to tee off if his first shot is errant. In general speech, the term has come to mean any minor blunder which is allowed to pass without consequence. Can you see where I’m going with this?…
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Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
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Natalie Aug 31st 2007 at 01:33 pm 1
LOVED IT! Your advice on not calling wolf is perfect. I have been married and am currently divorcing and dating. Not calling wolf has been the #1 change I have made in how I communicate with my boyfriend and I really think that it has made a huge difference in how I am treated. The part about Mulligans…also very important. If you want to love your man for who he is you can’t beat him down everytime he says something you would have preferred that he didn’t. We’ve all said stuff that made us dig a huge hole and we can’t get out…imagine if our guys gave us crap about it for days like we do to them sometimes.
Girlfriend, you did a great job on this contribution!
your cousin Aug 31st 2007 at 02:22 pm 2
This was very insightful and got me thinking about my own relationship. I especially related to “Mulligans”. After being married for 13 years (now you know which cousin I am), I often get angry at my spouse and blame him for intentionally “hurting” me. I expect, that after 13 years of marriage and 4 years of dating before that, that he would know what bothers me and he wouldn’t do it if he really loved me.
You said >. This hits home. From this day forward, I will make a conscience effert to give my spouse “mulligans”.
juLiette Aug 31st 2007 at 08:17 pm 3
DAMN EVAN- WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS GIRL?!!!! GOOD JOB GUYS! you two are now my idoLs. =P sounds Like the perfect reLationship to me!
seriousLy-
. .. . … . wow.
this is the reLationship i DREAM of!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING AND KEEP IT UP
the more i hear (read), the more i Learn.
you two shouLd DEFinateLy teach a seminar together one day.
actuaLLy, pLease do.
Lora Sep 1st 2007 at 03:12 pm 4
Kudos to you Evan for finding and appreciating this amazing woman. I believe that when each person in a couple takes responsibility for their own behavior and looks at things from one another’s perspective the relationship can grow into a loving and fulfilling one. I only wish I would have figured this out long ago! Best of luck to both of you~L
mrs. vee Sep 1st 2007 at 05:49 pm 5
Well done and dare I say… you go, Girlfriend.
You two sound wonderfully right for one another. (And you come off as VERY learned/educated, so have no fear.) Relationships take a lot of tongue-biting and thinking before you speak. It seems you have the boundless empathy and patience to make it work with a man like Evan. I hope you continue to pour your efforts into this relationship throughout the misunderstandings and annoyances.
I wish you both the best of and I, myself, will take your advice to heart. Continue to follow yours.
jane hurley Sep 3rd 2007 at 06:36 am 6
It seems that all the advice on how to be a good girlfriend/wife focuses on being “forgiving” of men’s offenses- how to talk ourselves down off a ledge when we grow upset. In contrast, I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and - maybe he and I are both just really even-keeled - but I’ve never had to deal with things he’s said or done that eat away at me. We just generally get along, have fun, relax together and are considerate towards each other like we’d be with any other friend (golden rule, I suppose). Perhaps I’m just lazy and made sure I chose a guy who didn’t take so much work.
I simply wanted to put this in perspective because I think this is good advice only if you’ve chosen a certain type of partner. The alternative is to choose a man of a different temperament/set of manners. Personally, I’d let it slide too if my partner commented that one of his female friends is the funniest or sweetest or most in-shape girl he knows. But after enough comments, I’d get pretty sick of his thoughtlessness. My point is…not all relationships require the woman to be tough-it-out-centric. It depends on the guy too.
jane hurley Sep 3rd 2007 at 06:48 am 7
P.S. I didn’t mean to imply Evan is a difficult boyfriend. It’s just that this and so much other relationship advice centers on training ourselves to be understanding of men’s “natures”, essentially becoming skilled “male handlers”. That doesn’t really reflect my experience at all. I don’t think all men are of the same nature, and if I found myself dating anyone who needed to be “handled”, I’d sooner walk away.
CoatMan Sep 4th 2007 at 12:10 pm 8
This is an excellent article! If only more women were like you. It’s hardly surprising that you’ve not had many boyfriends: all the ones that you have had have known that they’re onto a good thing and worked hard to keep you!
Lisa Marie Sep 4th 2007 at 01:40 pm 9
Evan’s girlfriend aka “soulmate”… your advice is invigorating, and hopefully, this advice will be virally spread for many men, not only women to read and apply. Although, it takes two partners to be fully committed in a relationship, and being “secure” with themselves, is what I’ve come to find. I know you and Evan are and congratulations for finding one another! I truly enjoyed your advice, especially naming your “Mulligans”! Us women do need to bite our tongues and decide if it’s worthwhile, and vent to our wonderful friends more often for that special one… if we’ve found him. Thanks for sharing your special thoughts and experiences! Another single woman seeking “my” Mr. Right.
Joseph Patrick Floyd Sep 7th 2007 at 10:33 am 10
This is a very insightful blog and extremely well written by the “girlfriend”. I do believe that it takes both people in a relationship to make it work and the onus should be equally held. It is great to hear an intelligent woman’s point of view and although one person complained that the girlfriend was giving in too much, I do not see her as an impuissant mate at all. I actually see her as a very reasonable person who would like to express her amative feelings towards Evan without sweating the “small stuff”. Relationships definitely take work and it is refreshing to see that there are other people out there who know how to make it work without sacrificing who they are and what they believe. Thanks for sharing this with people!
Blowme A Kisswhileyourleavin Sep 10th 2007 at 08:20 pm 11
GREAT article, very well written, and AMEN SISTER!!
We as women dont want to hear the that we are snotty, bitchy, and petty like we sometimes can be. We all need to stop and think..Who wants to be around someone that is so much work! Attitude is EVERYTHING!! In my experience, when we as women we are treated with the love, honor and the respect we deserve we in turn reciprocate. I know we all as women have our moments of insecure insanity! And lets face it, we all make our mistakes. Know your mistake, admit to it, apologize for it and move on!! One thing we cant deny is that our lives are littered with small stuff… the key is how to work out the small stuff respectfully. Thank you girlfriend!!
Hely Sep 11th 2007 at 10:12 pm 12
Thank you!!! great advise!
Im so glad for both of you guys.. i totally agree with everyone here when i say it looks like your perfect for each other!
Relationships are about compromise for both parts and when/if we want to make them work we have to try to give the best of us.
Best wishes to you both!
Eric Sep 14th 2007 at 02:11 pm 13
Eric…
I have a thing for women with authority. I believe in equality in relationships. A chick who is too passive, who never takes charge of a situation and who waits for me to make all the decisions make…
Ashlee Mar 20th 2008 at 02:43 pm 14
Your girlfriend is truly insightful. Kudos to you both for having such a healthy, balanced relationship. You both should think about psychology.