Comments on: Am I Foolish For Waiting For A Non-Committal Man To Commit?

By: Anisa

Anisa — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:50:40 +0000

To mrs. vee

I don’t think 99% of those realtionships are casual. They are only that in the intention and experience of the men. The intentions of the most women is otherwise.

By: Anisa

Anisa — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 10:39:12 +0000

Linda,
I don’t know you, but I like very much to comment on your post.
It seems to me you have found yourself a loving, committed partner.
I have heard the most beautiful words in the past, coming from my ex-”boyfriend”. I longed so very hard and long for the deeds, for the actions to come along with the words. I wished I had the chance to make plans with him, go on holidays with him, meet his family. It never came, it never happened. It was a worthless “relationship”.
Actions are so much more valueble than words, they are a real treasure, even more than a wedding to me. If you FEEL that he loves you, than he does, believe me. In my opinion there is nothing else to wish for in a relationship.
Enjoy every single action and enjoy your lovelife. Don’t spoil it focussing on the one thing you (think you) mis. I am almost sure you have found Mr. Right. And personally I can imagine his aversion with weddings. I have the same, while I am a very committed person. I was married once. And neither have I seen a marriage work. He is as afraid to get married as you are afraid to surrender to your happiness.
Please! Don’t be afraid. Just be 100 % happy and enjoy. You deserve it.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 00:28:31 +0000

Linda,
I do not know you at all, but might I point out the obvious. You are trying to fill a vold in yourself with a man you know does not want any committment from you which translated is: he wont EVER fill your ’soul cup’ ONLY YOU CAN. You need to focus on loving yourself, accepting yourself, and stepping back from it all and taking vows to get to know yourself now after all these years; becuase part of you was your marriage - and now you need to know and develop yourself - not blind yourself and neglect yourself with someone who will contribute to your not fullfilling your true happiness which is from within.

By: Jenny

Jenny — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 00:27:52 +0000

By: Linda

Linda — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 01:55:16 +0000

I am so disheartened by what I have read here — please say it isn’t so! I am a widow of 2 1/2 years, after 24 years of my husband; I have been dating a 54 yr old man who has NEVER been married, is a commitment phobic guy, and I love him to pieces. He calls me everyday, we get together on weekends, and an occasional lunch during the week; we’ve done all holidays for over a year together, with him mother, father, family etc.. We have traveled together to Alaska 2 times, and to various other places; we make plans for the upcoming holidays, the next vacation, and the like. My problem is, he won’t say the words I NEED to hear (I love you), and he won’t talk about it. I believe he does love me, he does kind things for me, and his actions all seem good, except..where are the words, and why doesn’t he ask me to marry him? His excuses for not marrying; (besides the obvious smoke) are, fear of failure, and he’s never seen a marriage work. Of course my question to him was, ‘don’t you feel like a failure for NOT having been married and having kids?’ And his reply is ‘yes’.

I am 49; we have a physical relationship, and do not practice ANY birth control, neither having a problem if the unlikely were to occur.

I can’t bear the thought of losing this man that I love so much. I don’t believe I could handle another loss. The death of my husband was devastating, and I am surprised to have such feeling for this man.

Comments?

By: Cindy

Cindy — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 09:08:02 +0000

Hi there….I had commented earlier stating that this article was a big wake up call for me. Shortly after reading it I let my “scared of getting hurt” guy know that I’m moving on because I deserve someone who does want more than just sex and who has time to call/see me often and get to know me and who is open for a committed relationship. A week later he was calling because he missed me and we have been together ever since!! Don’t let your attraction or feelings for a man change what you want for YOU!! Don’t settle. Hold on to the respect you have for yourself and what you want; eventually it will be there for you!! Good luck ladies!!!

By: Dreamer

Dreamer — Wed, 26 Sep 2007 04:21:17 +0000

Great column, to the point and written with kindess; and amazing responses. I am learning a lot, thank you.

By: redheadfromtdot

redheadfromtdot — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 22:56:01 +0000

I’m not sure if I buy those “boyfriend tests”. I don’t need my (hypothetical) boyfriend to call every day. I’m happy with every 2-3 because I like MY independence. Yes, I compartmentalize. In fact, I’ve been the girl and the guy in that scenario (I’m female).

That said, I suspect that the guy I’ve been seeing for the last month - not at the boyfriend stage yet- is going to “break up” with me later (or maybe he just wants to see me during our mutual spare time between other plans) and that “boyfriend test” point makes me think. I can’t decide if it’s intuition or paranoia based on experience. The guy apologizes for not calling me “in awhile” when I haven’t heard from him in two days, but in those two days I haven’t called him either. That’s another point: Why does the guy have to call daily?

Enough about me. Back to Jill: 6 months is long enough! As the saying goes, shit or get off the toilet.

Here’s a question that I’m asking for myself and Jill: Is there a magic period of time that must pass before it becomes a relationship? I don’t think so because I think that people should do things on their own time, when comfortable, but I’ve heard six weeks of dating is good before it becomes a relationship. I also want to think that the best time to bring up relationship status is when it feels right but at the same time, when is too soon? You don’t want to bring it up in the first couple of weeks, but is there an accepted time frame?

Some people are lucky to mutually fall in love immediately and just know. It would be so much easier.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 22:04:37 +0000

I think that’s a great point, Mrs. Vee.

By: mrs. vee

mrs. vee — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 20:58:07 +0000

Thankfully gone are the days of Hester Prynne and her scarlet A. I think it’s a wonderful thing that the sexual revolution took place so that women today have a choice to have sex when they want and with whom. They also must accept the responsibilities of that freedom.

Zann and Michelle sound like two strong, self-aware women who have made the conscious decision to have casual sex. I couldn’t possibly judge them, having enjoyed my share of bananas from the fruit basket myself before settling down with my sweetie. As they both pointed out, it’s really important to avoid confusing sexual contact with a bona fide relationship.

Zann and Michelle represent one perfectly reasonable option for us girls. Sex is a pleasure not just reserved for those in chaste relationships.

Still, we women do have an automatic emotional response to the stimulus of “doing it”. It takes a lot of inner strength to cope with the feelings that arise from the act. I found it took a lot of work to keep my feelings after just-for-fun sex in perspective.

I worry mostly for the ones who use the language of sexual liberation (”I’m just having fun”/”if men can do it, why can’t we?”) to either a) mask their motives of securing a longterm commitment from their sexual partner or b) suppress any emotional hollowness or pain may result from casual encounters.

Casual sex has complex psychological repercussions (I speak from personal experience). I just hope that by talking about it, women realize it shouldn’t be entered into lightly.

And to bring this topic back to full circle, if one is involved with a man who won’t commit, aren’t 99% of these relationships essentially casually sexual ones?