Have you ever read this blog and considered giving me a call?

If so, this is your lucky week.

Thru the end of Friday, July 4th, I’m running a $500 OFF sale for private dating coaching clients.

Why do this? Why now? Has all the wedding planning driven me batty?

Sort of. But that’s not my motivation.

It’s just that I’ve been hearing from many of you that you’d really love to work together but this economy is killing you.

Believe me, I’m with you.

I know what it’s like to want something bad but to have money be the deciding factor. (Have you priced wedding photographers recently? Ridiculous!)

If I were you, I’d think of my Summer Sale this way: I’m giving you just as much money back as President Bush’s stimulus package, but you’re going to get a much better return on investment with me, I promise.

The fact is - I really want to work closely with ALL of you. And while it’s still not gonna be inexpensive, there will NEVER be a cheaper time to work with me one-on-one.

Click here to check out my packages and jumpstart your love life.

There are no prices on the website, so I’m gonna give you a heads up.

Basic (Profile): $1000

Premium (Profile/Photos/4 Weeks of Coaching): $2500

VIP: $3500 (Profile/Photos/8 Weeks of Coaching): $3500

Take off $500 for this week and there you have it. A one-time chance to rebrand yourself and get better results instantly 

Click here to contact me and schedule a free phone appointment.

One final thing - there are only a small handful of slots available so it’s first come/first serve. Meaning: if I don’t have any room in my schedule during the busy summer months, I can’t accept any more new clients.

Thanks again for reading. New blog up Thursday.

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. If you want to hear what OTHER private clients have to say about me, just click here.

 

 

 

Hi Evan,

I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far.  My problem is deciding how to list my body type.  I’m 5′3" and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not "athletic and toned."  I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.

Anyway, at first I listed myself as "A few pounds extra" thinking it was an honest description.  Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or "curvy", because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.

I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.

Any suggestions?

Nicci

On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:

• Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
• Why men avoid “curvy” women!
• Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
• Why odd men with no jobs contact you!

You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?

The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.

Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.

However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.

Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….

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Dear Evan,

So, I met this great guy online. We’ve been exclusive nearly from the start and we really like each other.

However, he’s moving really fast. He said I love you on the 5th date. I just had a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. He’s said repeatedly that he will take this at my pace, but he’s made it clear that he’s found "the one" and that’s me! While all this is great, it’s a little frightening. Are these red flags? He’s been divorced and dating for about 6 years, so he’s been there and done just about all of that. I’ve only been divorced and dating for about a year and a half and am still finding my way through life as an independent person. He says, and he’s proven in subtle ways, that he’s willing to give me whatever space I need—that he loves me and that’s it for him.

Is this normal? I’ve never experienced this kind of strong emotion from a man. Was I just with the wrong guys if they were more apathetic? If I was more apathetic?

I am falling in love with him, at my own pace, but I’m just wondering if my dating radar isn’t picking up on something here.

Help me figure out if I’m missing something here or do I have a really great guy?

Steffi

Dear Steffi,
I really relish these role-reversal emails, because it just goes to show that it’s never just a “man” thing or a “woman” thing.

Men can be prudish about sex and emotionally vulnerable.

Women can be on the fence about commitment and concerned about clingy men. 

Relationships are about people with emotional needs. And those needs are universal.

The above links are probably somewhat instructive. After all, you’re not the first person who’s been concerned that a man has fallen for her too fast.

But let’s take your question on its surface, based solely on what you told me.

Let’s give this guy points for the important things. First of all, he’s being real with you. No games here. (Funny how people complain that they don’t like games, then when someone is nakedly honest with them, they get that “deer in the headlights” look?)

You’ve become the perfect vehicle for all of his dreams and desires, and, from that pedestal, you can’t be on equal footing.

Second of all, he’s self-aware enough to see that he’s freaking you out, which is why he came back with, “We’ll take it at your pace.” Which means, roughly, “I’m going to do a very poor job of pretending I’m not totally whipped on you, and I pray for the day when you show me you’re whipped on me, although that probably won’t happen because it’s hard to respect a guy who is so whipped so soon.”

What’s heartening about your situation, Stef, is that you say you’re falling in love with him at your own pace. That’s usually not the reaction that women have to guys who come on too strong. Credit goes to you for seeing this guy as the man he is, rather than being overwhelmed by his one-sided passion. That said, there IS a red flag. This guy is projecting a LOT onto you. You’ve become the perfect vehicle for all of his dreams and desires, and, from that pedestal, you can’t be on equal footing. I suspect he knows intellectually that you don’t walk on water, but when he’s going through that “puppy love” phase, there’s no room for realism….

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Dear Evan,

Having the experience you do with online dating, I was wondering what you think about some of the psychology of online dating.  Is there a phenomenon of addiction to it?  I was wondering because it seems like so many people have profiles online either the same site or multiple sites for lengthy periods of time. I can search Match.com and then come back a year or two later and the same guys are still on the site and usually with the same picture.  Also, I dated a guy for a time who almost seems to be addicted.  What do you think?  
Barb

Dear Barb,

There are two things going on in your question, and I want to address them separately:

First, let’s dispel the notion that there’s something wrong with someone who’s a) on Match.com two years after he signed up, and b) signed up for multiple dating sites.

Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I’m doing must be.”

It’s pure hypocrisy. The only way you’d know if the same guy was on Match.com two years later is if YOU were on the site two years later. The only way you’d know that he’s also on eHarmony is if you’re ALSO on eHarmony. Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m not a loser, player, commitmentphobe or dating addict, but any man who does the same thing that I’m doing must be.”

So to set the record straight: going on multiple dating sites means that you’re looking to expand your options. Maybe your month ran out on JDate and you want to try SawYouAtSinai. Maybe the pickings were slim on Chemistry, so you branched out to PerfectMatch. Maybe you’ve been rejected by everyone on DateMyPet, so you decide to bark up a different tree like AnimalAttraction.

There is another myth in your question, Barb—the idea that someone who signed up on Match in January ‘06 and is still on in January ‘08 has been on for two consecutive years. Let’s say he dated seven people in his first two months and then found a happy relationship that lasted for a year and a half. After a month of mourning and attempted make-up sex, he reposts his profile once again. All YOU can see is that the same face is still on there, two years later, when, in fact, this guy is the perfect example of an online dating success. He loved, he lost, and he came back for more.

Yeah, I’M that guy….

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Hi Evan,

I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting - through his actions and emotions - is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.

"Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week." 

The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.

He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.

I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.

Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for "friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.

Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!

Thank you!
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (see The Best of Evan Marc Katz – If You’re Seeing a Man Who Won’t Call, Commit, or Make an Effort For You). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….

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Dear Evan,

I am a 28 year-old single woman living in Manhattan. I’ve lived here about a year and a half — I moved here to pursue my PhD and am about halfway done. Although life in NYC has treated me very well so far in many areas, and I am really enjoying my time here, I have really been striking out dating-wise. Before moving here, I was a preschool teacher in St. Louis and always had a lot of success dating, whether with people I met online or otherwise. I had a couple long-term relationships and some more casual relationships, all with smart, interesting, good-looking men.

The story here has been completely different. Online, I am rarely contacted, and of the dates I have been on I haven’t once been asked out on a second date, which rarely happened to me before. Admittedly, there were not sparks flying on any of my first dates, but a couple of them were certainly guys I would have liked to get to know better and would have gladly gone had they asked me out again. I have also tried initiating (many) emails myself and I have yet to have a guy respond to an email that I have initiated.

So, I am starting to wonder, what is going on here?? Is this simply a case of too many options? Am I not as attractive/interesting against the competition here as I was in St. Louis? Or is there something about being back in school or being from the Midwest that is unappealing? I am overall a pretty secure person, but my confidence is starting to waver, which I KNOW is not attractive. What can I do to change my luck???

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Your timing couldn’t be better, as a recent book discusses this very issue. If you click here you’ll see, there are 210,000 more single women than single men in the New York metropolitan area. This makes it a buyer’s market for men, and super-competitive for women.

There are 210,000 more single women than single men in the New York metropolitan area. This makes it a buyer’s market for men, and super-competitive for women.

The opposite trend takes place on the West Coast, where there are considerably more single men than women. This makes sense in a place like Silicon Valley, but I was surprised that my adopted hometown of Los Angeles was so skewed, with nearly 90,000 more single men. Then, when I thought about it, it clicked. The entertainment industry is at the heart of this place, and it takes a long time to establish oneself. Due to this career instability, men are far less likely to get married at a young age. Unlike the finance guys in New York who are set by the time they’re 30, LA men struggle deep into their 30’s. Factor in the number of beautiful women in LA, the shallow nature of men, and the flaky nature of the town, and yeah, it’s no surprise that men stay single a lot longer out here….

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Your FREE 18 page eBook is now available, with fresh perspectives on the most important questions you’ll face in dating, including: 

Why Figuring Out What You Need Is More Important Than Chasing What You Want

How to Date Multiple People at the Same Time

How to Keep Perspective When You’re Looking for Love

Why Speaking Your Mind on a Date Isn’t Always the Best Policy

How to Read Between the Lines in an Online Dating Profile

How to Have a Relationship Discussion That Works

How Being Picky Might Keep You Single Forever

To acquire your copy of 7 Secrets for Dating Success, click on the link below, or cut and paste it into your browser: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter.html. Oh, and by the way, by downloading the free eBook, you will also get a subscription to my free newsletter with more empowering articles about dating and relationships.  

Enjoy!

Your friend,

Evan

I’m a 23 year old guy living in Munich, Germany. I am member of a dating site that focuses on the Munich area and I always follow your "3 Email Dating Secrets" when writing to a girl. This is quite hard because the girls provide hardly any specific information about themselves. I even studied their images for non-apparent hints.

Yet none of my mails scored an answer.

To get the big picture I decided to set up a fake female profile (also aged 23) equipped with sexy pic and standard essays that would fit any human being. This profile averages 30 messages a day and 90 percent of the guys just reproduce your intentionally boring counterexample from the "3 Email Dating Secrets" article:

Dear JB,

I read your profile and thought it was really amazing. Plus, you’re really cute. So please look at my profile and if you like what I had to say, write back to me when you get a chance.

Yours, Evan

Though only paying members can send messages virtually none of the guys was as clever to provide further contact possibilities like an e-mail address. When I write to girls I always provide a single purpose e-mail address but still this does not make me stand out of the crowd.

Now, Evan, apart from matters of me being only as valuable as my options, is there any possible way to write to a girl with zero-info profile and still make my mail stand out of the 300 "Like your profile. Wanna meet?" morons?

Ok, maybe it’s just not possible but I think everyone would like to read your ideas on what kind of ingenious mails women expect men to write when their pic is the only thing that distinguishes them from all the other women. They always complain about male one-liners but would they actually know what to write to themselves?

Thanks a lot,

Chris

Dear Chris,

You want to know how to get someone to respond to your email? Cite their previously written articles. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But seriously, this is a great question – not just for men, but for women as well. Clients of mine and readers of this blog are, in general, smarter than your average bear. Which means three things:

1) They’re more likely to write a unique and interesting profile

2) They’re more likely to be a bit elitist about how boring everyone else is. And this last one is my favorite…

3) They’re just as likely as anybody to write to someone just because he/she is attractive.

Yes,  we’re all looking for someone interesting, brilliant, witty and kind, but we’re perfectly willing to contact someone who is hot and boring.

Yes, we’re all looking for someone interesting, brilliant, witty and kind, but we’re perfectly willing to contact someone who is hot and boring. Which is why I routinely get emails from men, saying “What am I supposed to say to her? She’s sexy and has nothing to say.”

To which I say, “Why would you want to sit across a dinner table from someone who is sexy and has nothing to say?”

To which they say, “Uhhhhh….”…

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I want to know if it is possible to have a conversation with a guy without it getting sexual? I’m not talking about a little flirting, I’m talking about body parts being described, how they would be used, etc. I’m all for a little flirting, but it seems like the internet puts no barriers on what a person will say. I mean, if I met some guy at a party, after a little flirting, he wouldn’t tell me how hard his C$(K is, now would he?!?! And he wouldn’t want to know how I think that would feel, either. Now, he may very well be thinking these things, but he would never come out and say them in person, especially after knowing me only a few minutes.

I’ve even had some quality conversations, that after a few days of talking, turn into this kind of a discussion. Is this just the way it is? Is this what I am to expect?

I don’t have a problem with a man telling me I am sexy, but if I acknowledge that, am I setting myself up for these kinds of conversations? Is there a way to avoid it, or should I just avoid these men if they go into it?

I’d love some advice on this. I’m getting a bit fed-up!

Leah

Hey Leah,

What are you wearing right now?

Sorry. Too easy.

And that’s the thing with conversations that devolve into sex talk. It’s simply too easy to go there.

This is the nature of online communications. Millions of people hiding behind their computers to connect. Except some of them are dorks parading as big shots. And some are men acting like little girls. And some are women being brazen when they’re super-shy in real life. But the one thing we know about online communications is that people can be whoever they want to be. With one amazing caveat – they’re never held accountable for their actions.

The one thing we know about online communications is that people can be whoever they want to be. With one amazing caveat – they’re never held accountable for their actions.

I want to do something revolutionary here and change that statement to “we’re never held accountable for our actions”. Because when we’re talking about policing online behavior, it always seems to imply that it’s everybody else who’s wrong, when, in fact, WE’RE what’s wrong.

No matter how you slice it, this is a societal problem from the presidency on down – we’re a bunch of hypocrites who lie and cheat and misrepresent and fabricate - and cry and complain when everyone else does the same thing. This isn’t about you, Leah. This is just something I needed to get off my chest.

Sure, I’ve gone there before – notably when discussing liars. See, it’s okay when I say I’m 5’10” instead of 5’9”, but it’s awful when a woman claims to be 130lbs when she’s really 150lbs. It’s fine when I say I have an “athletic” body instead of an average one, but it’s not cool when she says she’s 35 when she’s really 37. Telling the truth is for other people; we want the right to play fast and loose with the facts as we see fit. Because WE’RE good people. And THEY’RE bad people.

But good people steal office supplies. Good people get “creative” on their taxes. Good people write nasty things on blogs. And we do this for one main reason – because we’re never held accountable. If we were, we’d clean up our acts REAL fast….

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I’m 32, recently single and am looking forward to being back in the dating scene. I’ve tried the major online dating site in the past using a three month subscription. Anyway I noticed that online, I got few responses from men. And I don’t mean few responses from guys who match what I’m after. Just few responses in general. (Yes, my profile was visible and showed up in searches) I had my best recent clear headshot, plus a few good photos and a recent full body shot. I have what I thought was a genuine profile that highlights the things that make me stand out and I believed my words came across as witty, smart, and sincere. Not the usual “I like to go shopping, go to the gym, and hanging with friends”, yada yada yada.

Now while I was doing the online thing….I also went out to singles events after work. The strange thing is I easily met men and was asked out regularly when I went to singles events. But online it was dismal. I emailed dozens of guys with brief messages where I tried to be witty and show I read their profile in detail (like you advise!) and little resulted. I emailed younger guys, older guys, guys far away, guys nearby, skinny guys, heavier guys, etc….and never even got far enough in email exchange to get to the “talk on the phone” stage in three months. I even switched my photos periodically.

Obviously I’m sticking with the singles events because my results are much better. But I can’t help but wonder….how can I hit home runs in person yet strike out online? You’d think it happens the other way around. I also live in the NYC area, and I’ve seen many female profiles where they are “model” looking women with pictures flaunting their “assets”. Short of me putting on a sexy black dress and heels for my body shot, I’m perplexed about why this is happening. I’ve apparently got good looks and charm in person, but apparently not online. What gives?

Sara

Dear Sara,

The good things about singles events: alcohol, hanging out with friends, dressing up, excitement, music, live conversation, the possibility of “chemistry”.

The good things about online dating: inexpensive, any time of day, no need to go out, ability to market yourself and screen anonymously, ability to search, filter, and get to know people before the date, unprecedented access to members of the opposite sex all over the world.

Online dating creates far more access to singles with far more competition. Real life provides far less access to singles with far less competition.

But, as far as I’m concerned, the main difference between “real life” and online dating is this: Online dating creates far more access to singles with far more competition. Real life provides far less access to singles with far less competition.

Look around, you’ll see.

Go to a bar and there may be three cute guys in the entire place. Go online and you’ll probably find dozens within twenty miles of your home. And for the same cost as a night out on the town, on Match.com you can conceivably talk to ALL of these guys to see who is the right fit. Is it any surprise that people choose to take the online route?

But the better way for you to see the difference between online dating and offline dating is through the eyes of a man. For the sake of this exercise, let’s call this man “Evan”….

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