Comments on: What You Can Learn From a Real-Life “He’s Just Not That Into You” Situation

By: Barbie

Barbie — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 16:12:13 +0000

This site has been an eye-opener for me. My situation is almost identical to Charlenes. I can see now that I hotly pursued the last two men I have had relationships with. Both gave me “The Speech” - about not wanting a commitment. Guess what? I did not listen. I thought that if I lured them with sex, and saw them frequently, spending time together would turn him around. Well, it does not work. I married the commitment-phobic. The 32-yr old bachelor with his own house and nice lifestyle. We are both unhappy. He is distant and still behaves in his single-day ways. He is happy to do chores around the house, but emotionally he is NOT THAT INTO ME!!! We are two strangers living together. Ladies. Please read what Evan has to say. Its hard. Its the truth. He is not saying it will never happen to you. He is saying that the right guy will always be there. He will prove it to you by spending more and more time together - not less and less. If you have to chase him, is it worth it?
Thank you Evan, your words have been unbelievably helpful. I now see what I am doing wrong. Taking the wrong guy and trying to make it right. If its right, it will happen. Time for me to move on!

By: Rachel

Rachel — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 08:09:41 +0000

NO JUDGMENT HERE, but if a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, take that at face value. Men are pretty simple, that way. And if he gives mixed signals, don’t take it as a sign of commitment. It is a fact that women tend to get emotionally attached once they have sex, but guys don’t. Most of the time. (We won’t cover the subject of cougars, here). Therefore, getting intimate right off the bat will more often than not end in heartbreak. The guy was just following his biological imperative to spread the seed (and you let him), but the woman was following her biological imperative to nest (and he didn’t let you). That being said: I have had two long relationships (several years long) which started with very early intimacy, so rules can be broken. The difference, though, is that the guy made clear early on that he wanted to be serious and manogamous.

By: Web Two-Point-I-Gotta-Know « Ms. Matched

Web Two-Point-I-Gotta-Know « Ms. Matched — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:11:59 +0000

[...] (s)he’s just not that into you is not an adequate explanation there is website offering to intervene. The folks at ‘Why Was [...]

By: Aimee

Aimee — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:52:27 +0000

I want to add to Sanya’s comment about sleeping with a guy on the second date. The virgin/whore dichotomy - that women are either respectable and relationship-worthy (virgins) or easy and untrustworthy (whores) - is something that all men have built into their DNA. Some see it in a black and white way, and some do not, but all men categorize women into these two categories to some extent, consciously or not.

If you sleep with him easily, he assumes you sleep with everyone easily, and doesn’t see you as relationship material. And so even if you *feel* like having sex with him, you have to hold off. But you only want casual sex anyway? You don’t want a relationship? Fine. Hold out for 6-8 weeks and then start a casual relationship with him. He will have the potential to become a boyfriend because he doesn’t see you as trashy, and YOU can make the choice to keep him at a casual level if that’s what you want. Your dating karma and your self-respect are preserved.

You will never, ever have that choice if you sleep with him too soon. It goes back to what Evan says about too much “being yourself”… if it isn’t working for you, you have to change it. It’s not about fair or not fair, it’s about cause and effect. You feel bad about yourself? Pretend you think you’re great. Be an actress - emulate someone you know who has great confidence. Fake it till you make it. You *are* a slut deep down inside? Me too, girl, you have NO idea. But no man gets the benefit of my unleashed inner slut unless I’m in a relationship with him - a committed relationship in which he’s in love with me. Until then I bat my eyes at any sexual advances and say, “I barely know you, that isn’t something I do with just anyone!”

Men are formulaic. Follow the formula, and you will get the desired result.

Aimee

By: Charlene

Charlene — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 02:51:40 +0000

To DeAngelo
I am the person who wrote the letter to Evan. I have been “lurking” on this blog since then, and have learned alot about myself just by reading all the different posts. I can relate to many of the issues. I don’t know what type of woman you think I am from reading about one issue I had with one person, but I can guarantee that I am not spreading nor did i ever spread toxic information about the person I was writing about, and I guess you could assume from the last part of what I wrote (that I’m about to just give up on men altogether), that I continue to think all men are dogs, which I don’t. Obviously I was very frustrated at the time I wrote, and mostly just venting.

For the record, he did call me back about six weeks after he told me he was getting back with an ex girlfriend. I did start seeing him again and we were together up until about two weeks ago. When I have time I will write about that and what has happened since then.

By: DeAngelo

DeAngelo — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 20:15:38 +0000

This is a case of not so much is it a crappy guy ,but she made a crappy decision short term decision expecting long term results. Then whats so sad you will have women like her going out spreading toxic information saying hte men are dogs and blah blah blah but all the red flags were there in the beginning, she just chose to ignore them. Now her feelings are hurt.

By: hunter

hunter — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 00:11:27 +0000

to verbosity,

“Don’t worry there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes, always is.”…..You must be very attractive….us regular, plain, average, people, we fantasize about meeting someone new, every 10 minutes….

By: verbosity

verbosity — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:15:38 +0000

You know, reading this I am reminded of the stories ladies tell about the ‘nice guy’ pursuing her…He’s trying too hard, he’s a wimp, not interested because of it. Interesting.

That said, both sexes need to realize the reality…most people prefer to avoid conflict in dating. Therefore, If a man or woman is interested, they will ACTIVELY contact the other, trying to see them. If the man or woman is not interested, he/she will not call, or will call a few days later with some lame excuse, but not trying to see the person they are calling. And why this passive aggressive (arguably deceptive) behavior? No one wants to be the bad guy/girl and drop the hammer on the other. The whys are varied. Simply put, this is the reality.

With this reality in mind, here are some guidelines…

If he/she doesn’t call back within 24 hours, drop ‘em. It isn’t much effort to leave a VM to say you are buried, want to talk but can’t till tomorrow.

If their primary method of communication is text/email, drop ‘em. My experience is if someone of either sex wants to be with you, they make the effort to talk. In other words, you don’t matter enough to them to merit calls and actually interacting. Drop ‘em.

The basic premise behind the above is that people who genuine like and care about you will make an effort to talk to you, see you, and actively show you their affections. Therefore, if you do not receive the effort (from either sex), walk. Don’t worry, there will be another man/woman along in 10 minutes. Always is.

By: hunter

hunter — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 04:58:03 +0000

to Kari,

…..some women think they can handle the, ‘I want sex only,’ approximately, 90 days into the relationship, some women want more…

By: Kari

Kari — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 10:41:52 +0000

How shall I put this? I’m fed up with references to “He’s just not that into you…” Women aren’t that difficult to break up with, we want you to say you’re done if you’re done so we can move on. Men on the other hand do the dance of interest (replete with feather headdress) to attract a woman then freeze them out instead of simply telling them it’s over. So for all the men out there if you aren’t interested, say so. Let’s face it, if you are trying to use someone for sex, you could just find someone who only wants sex. If you trail after women who want more, don’t be so surprised when they want more than sex. It’s not just a “woman thing” to expect something out of a relationship, so if you’re not interested don’t waffle around hoping your girl will just disappear, just tell her you’re not interested. While you may have a scene where she tells you off for whatever, but it’ll be over with less drama and pain for all concerned.