Nov14
Do You Know What a Man Expects out of a First Date?
Do you know what a man expects out of a first date?
Have you ever bothered to ask him?
If you’re a female reader, please share some of the things you’ve done on first dates that you feel ensure a second date.
If you’re a male reader, please share with us what your date can do to ensure a second date.
For advice on securing that second date, click here: http://www.findingtheoneonline.com/blog
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xpuff Nov 14th 2008 at 08:18 am 1
When I was dating when I was young, I almost never got second dates and had no idea what I was doing wrong. Now that I’m older I always get asked for second dates. The difference? When I was younger I used to spend the date trying to make him like me. Now I spend the date trying to determine if I like him. The difference in confidence that must come across is striking, I imagine.
Jennifer Nov 14th 2008 at 08:28 am 2
Good one.
I think a man expects to have a good time (no stress, no drama, no peppering him with a million questions) with someone who is good company (no complaining, no negativity, a strong willingness to laugh and be friendly) and, if he plans and pays, he expects to have his efforts acknowledged and appreciated. I think a man also appreciates a woman that looked like she put some effort into her appearance prior to going out, to show that the event is ’special’ to her, but nothing over the top.
Karl R Nov 14th 2008 at 09:39 am 3
I deliberately keep my expectations low. My goal for a first date is for both of us to enjoy ourselves, and for us to get to know each other better.
If you’re a male reader, please share with us what your date can do to ensure a second date.
Starting with the most important:
1) Relax and be yourself: My decision will be primarily based on who you are, not on what you do during the date. Furthermore, being comfortable with being yourself is a sign of confidence, and self-confidence looks good on everybody.
2) Let me know you’re interested: I realize some men like to chase the women who aren’t interested in them. I don’t. Unless a woman is interested in me, I won’t waste my time on a second date.
3) Have fun: Men want women to enjoy their company. If you’re enjoying yourself, that makes us feel good.
Ultimately, you can’t “ensure” a second date, since it’s so heavily based on who you are (looks, personality, etc.), but you can improve your odds.
how to build my relationship Nov 14th 2008 at 11:38 am 4
I agree with Carl on his three points, relax and be yourself. The main reason is that it is a waste of both of your time if you are pretending to be someone else. I am a firm believer of loving someone for who they are, don’t expect to change anyone! If there is something annoying about a person, you better be able to handle it if you are thinking about marriage…
thomas Nov 14th 2008 at 11:47 am 5
I never know when I am on a first date.
I have a tendency to meet people at random. I am rarely in one spot and always on the move. I am constantly around a new face on a regualr basis.
I have a lot of moments where I meet someone, then meet another, in an hour, there is a large group of people that I am with. When things come around, I might be sharing a soda at dawn in the park with that new someone special. That night out on the town turned into a morning of talking to someone over a cup of coffee.
I have been one not to know that I was on a date. I had to be told later that I was considered to be on one. I guess that comes with being wrapped up in your own thoughts and busy all the time.
If you want to know what it takes to go out with you a second time, give us “the look”. A man can not help not to notice it. If you give it, even if there is a slight attraction, he will call you up the following day. Even if you are across a busy and packed room, if you give the look from across a busy bar, the crowd will spread like the Red Sea as the guy walks over to her. “The look” is that powerful.
I do not know how to describe it other than it will stop a speeding bus quicker than super man. When you give the look, the guy will put down his cell phone, he will stop in mid-conversation, he will forget where he is and what he doing. When you give us “the look”, we even forget our own name.
You want to go out a second time, towards the end of the first date, give us “the look”, and the second date will be within the next couple of days. There is no way to describe it, you just know it when you see it.
Lou Brusco Nov 14th 2008 at 12:19 pm 6
I agree with what is said above….
What about the third date?
I sometimes get to the second date, and things seem to have gone backwards. Maybe she gave me a kiss on the first date - maybe we held hands…then, the second date, it is like they don’t want to go anywhere near you. That turns me off and I probably would not want to go out a third time. Likewise, I have heard of guys who take a kiss on the first date to mean it is open season for the second date - and the woman does not want to go out a third time.
I think people expect a reasonable progression of closeness - and the difference in the pace of that progression is a major problem even between otherwise compatible people as a relationship is starting out.
Lou B Nov 14th 2008 at 12:29 pm 7
I agree with what has been said above - but ask - what about a third date?
I have been on first dates that go very well - and it ends up in some hand holding - maybe a nice kiss goodnight - and you look forward to the second date and it as if the woman reconsidered moving so fast and shuts it down - and does not touch you at all. Similarly, I have heard of guys who get a first date kiss and think it is open season - then are all over the woman on a second date. In both instances, a third date does not happen.
People are looking for a progression of closeness in dating - and the differences in the desired pace of progression is many times the reason a couple that is otherwise compatible may not develop in to relationship. Usually it is the men who want things to move faster than the women - but, the progression (or lack of it) frequently derails couples.
happygirl Nov 14th 2008 at 12:37 pm 8
I think a man expects to have someone who is fun, can hold a conversation, will be herself,comfortable with who is she is, not overpowering,not trying to prove anything. Someone who is great company. interesting and also interested in him.I try not to ask the usual questions so that we both have an interesting conversation and laughs along the way. It is a first date not a job intervieuw.
In the past I used to really try hard to impress someone, maybe it was my insecurity entering the dating world, but now I am very relaxed, entertaining and I ensure I have a great time during the first date. I guess it shows. I do get second dates , third and fourth dates.
hunter Nov 14th 2008 at 01:26 pm 9
When on a first date, a man selects the restaurant, try not to make a comment about the restaraunt around the corner, after the man pays for dinner.
hunter Nov 14th 2008 at 01:33 pm 10
If you don’t suffer from allergies, try and remember to wear some perfume or scent. It works our olfactory tubes….
Ben Nov 14th 2008 at 02:15 pm 11
Jennifer and Karl pretty much had it..
“If he plans and pays, he expects to have his efforts acknowledged and appreciated”
One woman i dated a few times never even thanked me for paying or offered to pay. I wouldn’t have let her pay of course, the guy really has to pay on the first few dates. But please make the fake offer. (do the “Fake reach”) If you don’t at least offer to pay the guy might get the impression you are just freeloading (i still kinda think she was).
JuJu Nov 14th 2008 at 07:23 pm 12
re: post 11
I dunno, I wouldn’t feel right about not offering the money in earnest. Especially if I am not in reality prepared to pay or cannot afford to.
Jane Nov 14th 2008 at 07:29 pm 13
In addition to being appreciated, a guy likes to feel like the girl is with him, is present with him–not looking around the room, not engaging with others, but paying attention to him. This says he is interesting, attractive, and totally worth the time being invested. Listen, laugh, look at him.
starthrower68 Nov 14th 2008 at 07:51 pm 14
Xpuff, you are spot on and I like what you said about deciding whether or not you like him rather than worrying about him liking you. It doesn’t matter how gracious, dignified, classy, funny, or whatever positve you are, you can’t control it if he doesn’t like you enough to desire a 2nd date. Ladies, we forget that little thing called “the feminine mystique”. There is a way to not wear your heart on your sleeve without being aloof or cold. Karl, I agree with what you say about a woman being interested and having fun. Women, being gracious, self-assured, and able to be in the moment are the most attractive things we can project on a date besides wearing a smile. If you know you are fabulous and you don’t get a second date, then blame it on ADHD.
Joe Nov 14th 2008 at 10:51 pm 15
Hunter, some of us don’t care for very strong scents. Usually whatever a woman uses for her skin and hair (lotion, shampoo) has enough scent for me.
hunter Nov 15th 2008 at 12:40 am 16
to Thomas on post #5,
I think you are dreaming pal. Even in these modern times that we live in with all kinds of civil rights, the average woman “cannot” hold a glance for 3 seconds and smile at a man she is attracted to. Mostly, they will feel the attraction and look elsewhere, and walk away. And carry you in their sweet little heart for days, thinking/wishing/fantasizing…..hhmmhhhh..
Paul Nov 15th 2008 at 07:21 am 17
I agree with Jane. When I’m out with someone new, either on a first date or second date or third, I want to know if she is attracted. That is a must. I don’t care what the truth is, I just want to know the truth. I’ll pay, I’ll show you a good time, but if your not really interested tell me somehow, and if you are, Thomas was right…give me “the Look”…I’ll know it and it will make my week! You will get a call back, I guarantee it, especially if there was a delicious kiss that went along with it! Other than that, every woman should read Jennifers comments above, they are right on.
Paul
moonsical Nov 15th 2008 at 09:38 am 18
The problem is, we (women) may not know we’re attracted on the first date. People act oddly sometimes (nerves, I think) and come up as a, “definite maybe.” So, for me, personally, I would have to fake “the look” or feign interest, because I simply do not know right off the bat, most of the time. I know men don’t want that. My guess is many women do this, and that is why the second date appears to go, “backwards.” Offer a second date to allow a second take, preferably different (setting, tone) than the first.
moon
Selena Nov 15th 2008 at 12:46 pm 19
I’d feel uh…fake doing the “fake reach”. I can’t imagine not offering a sincere “thank you” though. Whoever that woman was, she showed a notable lack of manners. If I were a guy I don’t think I’d want to ask her out again just on that basis.
hunter Nov 15th 2008 at 02:03 pm 20
on post #18,
“People act oddly sometimes(nerves, I think)”……….better name for that is “anxiety.”
hunter Nov 15th 2008 at 02:11 pm 21
to Paul on #17
Most of the time, if a woman is out with you, she is attracted to you, in some way. Very few women go out with a man, just because he asked.
moonsical Nov 15th 2008 at 02:15 pm 22
I have to say…I’m afraid to admit this, but when I saw the heading for this blog (”Do you know what a man expects out of a first date?”) the first thing that popped into my mind was: What, are we supposed to care? I’m showing you my dark side now. It’s horrible, I know.
Whether reality or perception I get the impression that women put A LOT more time into thinking about their date, their appearance, being prepared, etc. then men do. There was a man I liked in town that I asked to a dance a while back…I already had a little familiarity with him and did not meet him on-line…anyway, when he showed up, he was still tucking in his shirt, had not put gas in the car, had not gone to the bank, and so on. So, we had to RUN ERRANDS before going on our date! Fine, whatever, but really… Shower, shave, iron a clean shirt rather than just pulling on something from your work week, go to the bank, put gas in the car…c’mon people!
I TOTALLY APPRECIATE a man who is clean, clean shaven, and has a fresh shirt on, and (if we’re dating from on-line) looks like his photo. And I am eager to say so: “I so appreciate a man in a collared shirt.” “Wow! You’re so prepared.” Or, “You thought of everything.”
Men should expect and deserve appreciation for effort, when effort is demonstrated. It’s great when men pay (they deserve appreciation here, too), but really that’s easier than, and does not make up for, all the little things.
moon
PS
To me, the fake reach IS fake. If HE asked YOU on a date, then he can cover the cost and enjoy your company. Your job is to be good company. That’s it.
moonsical Nov 15th 2008 at 08:37 pm 23
A good reminder from hunter that if someone goes out with you, they probably ARE attracted to you in some way. I am always trying to tease that out (in myself) as I learn more about my date. But I get the impression that men expect a HUGE attraction, on day one.
moon
benh57 Nov 15th 2008 at 11:48 pm 24
Ok, the fake reach is fake. But, all i’m saying is, it’s better than nothing. And is appreciated.
“Showing some appreciation” is a subset of Moon’s being “good company”. Not even saying thank you to your date for paying is not “good company”.
Also, Ms. Moon, this post is for ‘what a man expects out of a first date”, not for women to post “What a man SHOULD expect out of a first date”.
hunter Nov 16th 2008 at 12:39 am 25
to Moon on post #22
Pink Floyd always said, the moon had a dark side!…..LOL!…..is that dry humor or what?……
You said, “Your job is to be good company. That is it.” I would suggest you rewrite that statement in bold letters and underline it twice!……..hhhmmhhh, yes!…..
moonsical Nov 16th 2008 at 12:38 pm 26
Lol…Ben wants everyone to stick EXACTLY TO TEXT, apparently. Gosh. Just trying to back up you guys that you deserve appreciation and should be able to expect as much, including app for paying. You’re hard to support, eh? Ben, since you’re sticking exactly to the question, what (besides the fake reach, which is down in the polls) can a woman do to ensure a second date with you?
hunter, if I were html literate, or however people bold and underline, I’d do it. Would you say a lot of women are not good company on dates? In what way(s)? Maybe they were flirting with the waitstaff!
;~)
moon
Moral of the story: if you want appreciation, GIVE GOOD DATE! If the woman is a female version of a cad, better to know sooner than later.
benh57 Nov 16th 2008 at 12:55 pm 27
moon, you dismissed every person’s opinion in the entire thread with your dismissive “be good company. that is it”. Well, there are a lot of parts to being “good company”. That is the point of the question. How does a woman “be good company”, *in the eyes of a man*? Well, one thing, is to show some appreciation by at least saying thank you to the guy for paying. That is what a guy “expects”. That’s my input to answer the question.
moon gave a nice list of what a woman expects a man to do, but that was the previous thread. Running errands is pretty ridiculous.
I get the impression that some women here think dating is a one way street, that he only needs to impress the woman, and that the guy is the woman’s to reject. While this may well be true for some insecure guys, some of us have standards of behavior we “Expect”. The women is being graded too, and not just on looks.
thomas Nov 17th 2008 at 12:39 am 28
“good company”
All I can say to this is just do not sit there awkward and silent. I have walked away from plenty to chill with someone that I could have a conversation with. Simply just say, “hey this is not working out” and end the date. Keep it friendly and keep her as a contact. It is all about networking. Even if things do not work out, the woman is a door to others that you are more compatible with. Do not “use” women as a door to get to more desirable women, but do not close the door to keeping in touch so that you can meet others. A woman’s influence on her freinds is greater than any on-line profile or anything that comes to mind. Be nice to her and treat her with respect. In turn, she will introduce you to someone that you find more to your liking.
The more people you talk to, the more you extend your network.
As far as a first date, us men do expect something out of it. We don’t all expect the same thing.
If I sit with someone that is not “good company”, I might as well sit by myself and look at the wall. Watching television and drinking a beer in the comfort of my home should not be better than a first date.
The only thing that I can think of not to do is try too hard. When I am out with a woman and she tries too hard to impress me, that is kind of creepy, makes her look kind of desperate.
Do not give us too much information all at once and do not give us too much personal information. There have been plenty of times that I have first met someone, things are going good and they are relaxed. Then bam, they hit me with something so personal about themselves that it should have waited at least 5 to 10 dates on down the road. For some odd reason, within the first 30 minutes of meeting them, 25% of the women I meet tell me about the first time they had intercourse with a man. The more they go into detail, the more I want to push them away. It is too much personal information for the first I met you.
Again, do not give us too much information the first time we meet you. A few years ago, I made eye contact with a young woman. I am the type of person that if you make eye contact with, I am going to say hi or at least something. A few minutes later we were having lunch together and the conversation was silent. There were potatoes on the table, and I asked her what she thought about them, it was something to break the silence. She started crying. I asked why, she said because no one had ever asked her how she felt about potatoes before. She started sobbing and rambling on about stuff in her life. I did not know her name, I did not even know her. There were tears and snot all over the table. I did not say a word for an hour, she just sat there and cried telling me about a bunch of random stuff. In the end, it was a horrible first encounter.
Girls, they cry, they cry a lot. If it the first time that I have met you, try to keep it under control.
JuJu Nov 17th 2008 at 09:39 am 29
I have another question for everyone: how do you react when upon meeting the person for the first time you totally do not find them attractive?
Do you still go through the motions?
Do you say something instead of wasting your evening (or whatever time of the day it is)? If yes, what?
Cilla Nov 17th 2008 at 01:58 pm 30
Thomas, your potatoes story was like something out of a movie–LOL LOL LOL. I have tears in MY eyes!
Lou B Nov 17th 2008 at 02:08 pm 31
Re: #29
To be polite - I go through the motions and complete the date - tough when you have planned a nice dinner!!
I am a doctor and have contemplated getting paged out of the date - but I just think that is wrong (and probably bad luck - might get paged out of a GREAT date next time!!).
Ben Nov 17th 2008 at 02:13 pm 32
Lou– This is why you never plan a ‘nice dinner’ for a first meeting.
Coffee dates (or other similar low investment meetings) can always be ‘extended’ into dinner, if desired..
I haven’t gone out with any women yet that i wasn’t at least a little bit attracted to. Certainly, less attracted once i met them, but not bad enough to end the date. If i did, i’d probably have a nice chat for an hour and get to know them anyway.
-Ben
art_racer Nov 17th 2008 at 02:36 pm 33
A-number-one suggestion for women… DON”T tell me ANYTHING about former boyfriends/fiancés/husbands. I’m imagining how it would feel to kiss you and they really get in the way.
moonsical Nov 17th 2008 at 03:40 pm 34
Ben, I am deeply offended at your perception that I, ‘dismissed every person’s opinion in the entire thread with your dismissive “be good company. that is it”.’ That is very harsh. Though that is your perception, that is not at all what was happening as I wrote.
moon
A-L Nov 17th 2008 at 04:16 pm 35
RE: #29. Yes, go through the date, but don’t just go through the motions. As Evan might say, “be in the moment.” Be your most interesting, engaged, polite self and see if things improve. Even if things don’t things might turn around or he doesn’t end up introducing you to someone great, it’s still the polite (and right) thing to do.
As far as some of these first date stories (ie, crying lady in #28)…where do you meet some of these people? I’m not saying this as an insult to the posters, but thankfully none of my dates have been anywhere near as bad as some of y’alls’. I can’t imagine any of my friends behaving in such a way, so I have a hard time imagining others doing so. Guess I’m lucky.
A-L Nov 17th 2008 at 04:17 pm 36
Oh gosh, that first paragraph was terrible. That’s what I get for not double-checking it. Here’s the redo:
RE: #29. Yes, go through the date, but don’t just go through the motions. As Evan might say, “be in the moment.” Be your most interesting, engaged, polite self and see if things improve. Even if things don’t turn around or he doesn’t end up introducing you to someone great, it’s still the polite (and right) thing to do.
Kenley Nov 17th 2008 at 04:35 pm 37
When I met men I didn’t think were physically attractive, I always continued the dates. And with few exceptions, I had a pleasant time and didn’t view the date as a waste. I think that in the quest for finding the right one, treating the wrong ones along the way poorly is not good for the soul. Just because someone doesn’t appeal to you physically there is no reason to be rude to them…even if they deceived you. The only time I actually regretted continuing a date was when I went out with one guy that had a really, really, really bitter attitude about women and the world in general. A negative and defeated view on life is 1000 times more difficult to tolerate than an unattractive face or body.
On the occasions that I have had pleasant dates, but no physical attraction, I use to suggest let’s be friends, but the guys wanted romance or nothing. I guess some men are insulted by the offer. When a guy made the “let’s be friends” offer to me, I turned him down because I felt that he just wanted to use me for networking connections — he wanted to transfer to my field. In general, I have no problem helping people out, but for some reason, I just felt like he was being deceptive about his true intensions so I told him no thanks. Sorry for rambling.
JuJu Nov 17th 2008 at 05:04 pm 38
Why, Kenley, I find every response very interesting. Wish more people “rambled.”
I am not sure, though, that at this point I will even want to be polite in a case of outright deception on my date’s part - he was obviously disrespectful of my time and effort when he did that, so why should I be respectful in return?
Kenley Nov 17th 2008 at 08:16 pm 39
JuJu,
I guess I try to be respectful because the times when I’ve been rude or mean to other people, I’ve never felt good or gotten any satisfaction out of that type of behavior. In my on-line experience, a few guys did send me misleading photos — the ones from 10 years ago when they were younger and lighter. I still treated these guys respectfully because I felt sad that they were not confident enough in their appearance to be truthful. Now, would I date the guys long term — probably not because if a man is deceptive at the beginning there is a good chance he will be deceptive right to the end. So, even though I wouldn’t date them long term, I could still be polite and try to enjoy their company for just for an hour or so. Being nice doesn’t cost me anything. Being mean costs me a little bit of my soul.
moonsical Nov 18th 2008 at 03:56 pm 40
Hi JuJu,
I also practice keeping the date, regardless of physical attraction, even in (the few) cases where the man had obviously not posted near recent photos and had added a few things (waistline, jowls) in the physique area. I guess I believe along the lines of Kenley that you pay every soul that respect and keep the commitment of the time. I don’t linger or drag it out though. It seems to me it is even more painful for the man, to see how into him you are not, and realize the that part of those results were caused by deception on his part. Perhaps lesson learned for some.
moon
thomas Nov 20th 2008 at 02:01 am 41
A-L, # 35
As far as some of these first date stories (ie, crying lady in #28)…where do you meet some of these people?
It is all about getting out and just meeting people on the street where ever you go. You would be surprised what happens when you say hello to a random stranger while walking the streets. So when you ask where do I meet these people, I meet them everywhere.
I do not know why, I just meet a lot of people at random. The more you get out, the more people you meet. I am just the type of person that will say, “hey, what’s up, how you doing” or something to that effect when people make eye contact. Guy or girl, if you make eye contact with me, I am going to let you know you exist. That is just the type of personality that I have. Typically, when I am traveling, I get a lot of people that ask me for directions for this or that. They are lost and are wanting to go some place. Since I say hello to them, they are more likely to ask me how to get some place versus someone who looks at the ground.
On the other hand, there are those women that take it above and beyond a friendly hello. I remember one time I was in an elevator when someone made eye contact with me. I said hello, and the women went into detail about how she just found out about her best friend and husband were sleeping together. She would not stop, and I frantically pushed buttons so that I could get off at the next floor.
I have ran into a few women that were just having a bad day. When all I said was hello after they had made eye contact, they proceeded to unload unto me. I have had 4 that wanted to hug me after unloading for 10 minutes. It is always creepy. I remember 2 of them would not let go when I tried to pull away. One in particular would not let go after 20 minutes, no matter how times I tried to pull away.
They are everywhere and on every continent. I remember traveling with a young mother from Kjøbenhavn to Århus. Within 15 minutes of the trip, she unloaded on me how her boy friend had just left her. When we parted, it was awkward. She would not leave and stood there not saying a word in stead of getting back into her car and taking off.
I meet a lot of people like this all the time. For some odd reason, people will share deep things about themselves upon the first time that I meet them.
It rarely happens on date, but it does once in a great while. But it still does.
That is how I meet most of the women that I date, it is all at random and when I do not expect it. I have never had a family member or friend set me up. It is always a complete stranger that I run into. Sometimes you find out later that you know some of the same people.
When I am constantly meeting new people, it is not hard to run into people like this.
A-L, just put yourself out there. When someone gives an inviting look, say hello. After awhile, you will run into some of these same people.
moonsical Nov 20th 2008 at 06:22 pm 42
thomas,
Are you (also) the one that every woman you ignore gives her apartment keys to? I think truly you must be a special case!
A-L, yeah, my dates aren’t nearly so dramatic/traumatic, either.
moon
thomas Nov 21st 2008 at 10:29 am 43
I have only had 2, maybe three women give me the key when I tried to push them away.
“I think truly you must be a special case!”
Reminds me of a time when I had a young lady take me back to her place. The next morning she kept repeating how she had never done it before and she paranoid that I was going to rob her. Every time she mentioned something about, I would ask her how I would fit a television into my pocket or her coffee table into my jacket.
John Dec 5th 2008 at 08:10 am 44
What do I expect on a first date…?
After 20+ years (off and on) of dating, here’s my list.
1) Be ready to go when I arrive to pick you up or if we meet somewhere, be there on time (no more than 5 minutes late). Anything more is rude.
2) Be well dressed to make a good first impression. Showing up too casual send me the signal that you are not interested in making a good impression. There’s years for us to hang out in our sweats on the sofa, this ain’t one of them.
3) Leave the cell phone off….please. If you are expecting an important call, let me know in advance, then keep it short. All other calls…leave for voicemail. Just because it’s okay for your teenagers to be connected 24/7, it’s not okay for a first date.
4) Be ready to PARTICIPATE in the conversation. If I have to ask EVERY question and you ask nothing about me, I assume you have poor social skills, aren’t interested in knowing anything about me, or worse…both. And I will probably end the date early. I’m not the Cruise Director here, this should be a friendly two-way conversation, as we are here to get to know each other.
5) Please avoid any controversial and highly-charged topics such as politics, the election, the war, religion, etc., regardless of how passionate you are about a subject. If it’s politics, chances are half your dates will totally disagree with you.
6) Don’t complain about your ex, bore me with angry and bitter details about your divorce or mention the word “soulmate”.
7) Don’t tell me about your medical history. It’s simply gross, unless you have a really funny story to relate.
9) If you have kids, mention them, but please, unless I ask, don’t spend 15 minutes telling me about every detail regarding her part in the school play or his recent football game. And if you must relate the details, wait until after the date, call the kid’s Grandparents and tell them all the details.
10) At the end of the date, if it didn’t go well or there was no connection, don’t look at me with those sad doe eyes. Not every date goes well or do both people feel a mutual attraction. If it did go well, I’ll definitely ask “Would you like to do this again?” And please…. have an answer ready.
hunter Dec 5th 2008 at 07:20 pm 45
I sort of disagree with you on number 4, many single nice people, have a hard time conversing, with someone they don’t really know.
moonsical Dec 6th 2008 at 09:27 am 46
hunter is right, but this is an IDEAL of what is wanted, after all. Of course if a person is on a date, they might expect to TRY to be conversational. Or, one would think! Plenty of time later to spend hours together, not talking!
moon
hunter Dec 6th 2008 at 10:49 pm 47
hi Moon,
Yes, I agree with you, we do have to converse, somehow, on the first dates….I suppose, I need to add on, that(for many singles) it takes several dates to do some talking.
thomas Dec 7th 2008 at 04:37 pm 48
Do You Know What a Man Expects out of a First Date?
It would be nice to get a first name. I have had way too many women get too close too soon and then get pissed when I have no idea what their name is.
A few weeks ago, I met a young woman, and we went back to her place. It was the first time I had ever met her and it was at random. The next morning, she was giving me back rubs and such, it was nice. She gave me a lift home and came to the conclusion that I did not know her name, she was right. We had never been introduced.
If I ask you early on and you ignore me, do not get pissed the next day when you realize I have no clue who you are.
Joe Dec 9th 2008 at 07:28 am 49
Dude, that wasn’t a first date, it was a pickup.
hunter Dec 9th 2008 at 06:35 pm 50
Check it out!….Sounds as if Thomas is a “Natural”.
thomas Dec 10th 2008 at 03:11 pm 51
I guess that I have never had a real first date with any woman. I meet them once and they always get pissed off at me and never want to speak to me again. Well, 99% of the women I come across get pissed off at me with 24 hours of meeting.
This reminds me of a time when I was traveling in Europe. I met a Polish woman in her mid to late 20’s. I had never had a conversation with her, just some of the guys she was hanging out with. She stuck around me and waited for the guys she was with to leave. Once they were gone, she handed me some rock and told me to never forget her. They story gets a bit intimate after that…. Then poof, gone and to never hear from her again.
I always have women that I meet at random, then poof they are gone. Typically they are pissed at me because I have no idea who they are.
Over a decade ago, I met a really sweet young woman. We were chilling for a few moments, then after two hours she hung herself on me and made the comment, “I can not believe I have only known you for two hours and I already love you.”
I really have no idea what I am doing. Most of the time I am doing nothing at all. I am just there.
If it is the first time we have met, if it is a pick up or a date, please tell me your name before you tell me that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. That is what I expect, but it rarely happens.
Perhaps , it is not what I expect on the first date, but what I wish would happen on the first date. Maybe if more women had their business card stapled to their forehead, I would have better luck getting that second meeting. Heck, I would even be open to receiving a resume, that way I know a little bit about you as well.
cinnamon Dec 11th 2008 at 01:57 am 52
Thomas,
So far I suspected your posts were just a kind of sophisticated provocation. You know, describing what looks like one-night-stand situations, calling them “date” and wondering why they don’t lead to a relationship.
I’ve done the “poof” act a few times myself, though not in relation to one-night encounters, but weeks- or months-long acquitances. Therefore I’ll just share a few loose thoughts in relation to your posts.
First of all, if you believe something is too much, too soon you have a right to say “No” or simply back off from it. Now, that’s difficult if someone is splitting their guts in front of you, but if it happens that they do and you “do nothing” in response or even distance yourself afterwards because you feel it was too much, then they’ll probably feel they made a fool of themselves and not want any contact with you anymore. I’m not saying you should sit and do therapy for girls who start telling you about their more or less traumatic experiences just after they met you, and I’m not saying you should blame yourself, but just be aware that opening yourself to someone so much does create a kind of a feeling of intimacy and if you do nothing in response the girls would most likely disappear.
Same goes for getting intimate physically. Too close, too soon? Couldn’t agree more that getting intimate with someone you I’ve met an hour ago and basically know nothing about is too close, too soon. An alternative would be to get to know the person gradually over some time, and then get intimate.
I know there are many people on this forum who would not agree with it, but since it seems the other scenario has so far only resulted in short-term encounters for you and a herd of pissed-off women, then I would say trying to build up intimacy with someone gradually would be worth trying if you are interested in a relationship.
And the last thing, the “Most of the time I am doing nothing at all. I am just there.”, which strangely reminds me of something…. For me, it is simply not enough for a man to be there, do nothing and wait for the woman to take all initiative. I think, even if she likes you enough to take it at the beginning, if you keep doing nothing and just being there it may just look like you are not interested in her.
I find it extremely confusing when I meet someone, it seems we have good contact, talk a lot, I feel I’m starting to fall for the guy, but time goes and he does noting to bring it any further. Then I usually disappear. As I said, this is related to acquitances spread over longer span of time, weeks or months, but maybe it could be a clue for you as well.
By the way, asking questions is generally a good way to find out information about the other person and show interest in them.
thomas Dec 11th 2008 at 04:06 pm 53
cinnamon, that is interesting…
Most of the time, when I first meet someone, 95% of them pull something that kind of throws me off balance. Then after that, I kind of go with the flow.
come on kids, story time. Lets get some hot coco and gather round.
Many moons ago… I do not want to say how many, I do not want to feel old… I was standing in a shopping complex in the middle of the day with some people. I kind of knew one or two, but the others, not really. These were all white collar workers as well. We were all standing around and the guys were talking while the women were just standing there. The guys were kind of introverts, yet would ramble on about work or star trek or some other sci-fi crap.
I made the comment that we were outside of work and that is was a nice day. I said it was best to leave work in the office and just enjoy the sunshine. Overall, I hate when people can not leave the shop talk back at the shop. The guys kind of ignored me and went on about how it was a great time to rebuild computers and all the parts they were going to add to their computers over the weekend, completely treating the women like they were not even there.
I am ignored, the women are ignored, I decided to talk to the women. I asked them what they like to do on nice days. At first they kind of looked at me, not saying a word. Then I asked if they liked to go for a bike ride in the park, go for a walk with the dog, ….
As soon as the women started to talk to me, the guys stopped and got quiet. Within 5 minutes of conversation, one of the women licked the side of my face. I was not expecting it and it threw me off. I stood there confused and asked “did you do what I think you just did?” She took two steps back, looked at the ground and made the statement, “I can not believe that I just did that.” She ran off and has not talked to me since.
I see her from time to time. Once every 6 months to 2 years, I will come across her. If she sees me coming from a block away, she does everything to avoid me. She will not even let me get close enough to say a word.
For me, the first time I meet a number of women, it is like they drop a bowling ball in my lap. I never expect anything to happen, and there is always the unexpected that happens. Sometimes, I find that women a just plain offensive and go over board with their comments or actions.
To this day, I still do not know her name, nor will I ever.
Before I meet you , please staple a business card to your forehead. That way I can find out your name without talking to you. So many times, talking does not solve anything.
From this day forward, what I expected on a first date is a card on the forehead.
Seriously, I find that some women have a lot of walls put up. If you can get them to talk for 30 minutes about themselves, those walls come down, but then they go overboard with their actions.
First date, please keep your hands, tongues, and anything else to yourself. What I expect is just some relaxing conversation. Simple, that is it.
If it the first time that I have met you, please keep the comments to PG 13.
hunter Dec 11th 2008 at 05:47 pm 54
Thomas!….you lucky dog!…….Somehow I sense you are conquering women, because of your good looks…….not by what you say…..then also, white collar job environments, are target rich/more possible encounters/females most everywhere you look…
hunter Dec 11th 2008 at 05:58 pm 55
Thomas,
Yes, I read your post again, the options you describe are only available to very good looking men..
moonsical Dec 11th 2008 at 06:46 pm 56
I find if I want to learn someone’s name, asking is a reasonably direct way to go. So far I have had 100% success, I believe.
moon
Slim Pickens Dec 12th 2008 at 05:34 am 57
Moon I have the exact same success rate! This is amazing considering that I am only average looking, still own a TV, and occasionally can be found perusing online dating sites. I have tried aimlessly walking the streets, waiting for strange nameless women to pick me up and take me home, but my success rate was on the low side.
hunter Dec 12th 2008 at 07:24 am 58
Hi Moon,
It may have been he had that woman on her back so fast, there was no time for details……OMG!……
thomas Dec 12th 2008 at 09:00 am 59
Hunter, I do not know if looks has anything to do with it.
I use to have this friend years ago that had would always ask me to be his wing man. He was younger than me, more physically tone, better looking, and came from a better background.
When we would go out, he would always try to dominate the conversation with women. He would always talk about something way off in the distance, like he was trying to show that he was smart and could talk above the woman. It was as though he was trying to show that he was dominate in all aspects of life.
Do you remember the movie “back to the future”? There is a part in the first one where the scientist is talking about flux capacitors.
When my friend would try to talk to women, he would always talk down to them and try to impress them by talking over them. I would always turn to him and say, “stop talking about flux capacitors. If you are going to do it, at least let the chick get a word in once in awhile.”
Do not get me wrong, he was a great guy, he just took women too serious. He always had a list that he would check off in his head. One of the things is he had to do was show them that he was a dominate male and could provide for them. He was never relaxed around them.
The one time he actually listened to me, he got laid. I spoon fed him a woman that happened to be walking by. I kept telling him to relax and talk to her about certain subjects. The two of them sat across from me as I told him what to do. I pretty much took a vagina, wrapped in plastic, and handed it to him. She actually made contact with me first. She made eye contact with me and came over to the table with me and my friend and started a conversation. That was when I pointed my friend out and said that he had a background in the subject, then I just kept the ball rolling from there.
For me, I am not that good looking. Guys 10 times better looking than me can have poor social skills and never have the chance to have a conversation with any woman.
I usually do not put any effort into it, I am just there chilling, having a conversation. I might be 100 pounds heavier than the other dudes in the room, but I am not going to look down and talk to my shoes when you approach me. The same can be said for anything else. You might have a nice car that costs $100,000. Yet, if you can not make eye contact with a woman, I am more than likely to ride off with her into the sun set with her on the handle bars of my Schwinn.
I do not think that looks has anything to do with it. I just find that there are so many people that have poor social skills today.
moon…
It is kind of weird, but for some reason, I never get a name, or rarely. When ever I meet a woman, I treat them casual, like she is a person, not pursuing her. I treat her like a chum, a buddy, like one of the guys, but within reason.
With guys, I am the same way. I start out meeting them and just engage in light conversations. I can go on for weeks or even months without knowing a guy’s name. I do not go up to guys the first time I meet them, shake their hand, and then ask them what their name is.
Believe it or not, I have seen way too many guys approach women like this. It is not a business meeting, it is out of the office and in public.
I always keep things relaxed and chill. Yet, I have too many times where I have a woman straddling me, with her shirt and brawl around her neck; and I ask, “before we go farther, can I have your name?” I am always clueless when it comes to the opposite sex. I never have women kind of ease into it, they always lunge at me.
I just have a real bad time making that transition from person sitting beside me on the bus to someone that I go on a date with.
It seems that I find myself thinking about filling my belly with food while the other person is thinking about filling her belly with my babies. By the time I find out and realize that she has interest in me, it is as though it is too late and she is expecting me to be further along than what I am. I constantly find myself in the position where I am wanting to find out her name and she is wanting to go and get matching walking outfits.
thomas Dec 12th 2008 at 05:29 pm 60
Slim Pickens
You must be doing something wrong. If you are out walking around, there is always going to be a handful of women at random that are going to give you the look. If you are confused, watch for the head movement. When she walks pass and she makes eye contact, her torso will be pointing one direction while her head will be pointed another. Sometimes, it seems like her head has turned 180 degrees on her torso.
I feel that the woman always makes the first move, and it starts with the eye contact. If you notice something pretty looking at you from across the distance repeatedly, go talk to her.
I have had a number of freinds make the statement, “lets go out and get some chicks”, to have no courage to go talk to any chicks. If something hot is walking her dog, ask if you can pet it, well ask if you can pet her dog. It will get the ball rolling. If the two of you clicked, as you are walking away, she will want to talk to you more. She will make an effort to talk to you.
Overall, do not force it. If it is not natural, it will fall apart. I can go 6 months where nothing happens, then I can have nights where a dozen different women buy me drinks at the bar.
Slim Pickens Dec 15th 2008 at 07:28 am 61
Uh, I was being faceitous Thomas. Actually I don’t know what my success rate would be, until recently I was happily married. Technically still am for a couple more months. And then I’ll be both available, but I’ll also be 50. I have a feeling the random pickup thing works better for younger folks. We’ll see.
thomas Dec 15th 2008 at 02:24 pm 62
slim, just keep your eye out
When a woman locks eyes with you and will not let it break, go for it. I have been out where the woman knocked people over, ran into poles, and crashed into other objects because she had locked eyes with me and was not paying attention to where she was going. Her body maybe pointed one direction, but her head and eyes will always be pointed at you.
50, who cares. The only one that cares is you. Nobody else cares. Go out and have a good time and be happy with the way things are. Do not fake the happiness, just be grateful with what you got. When others see that you are happy, they want to join in. Be happy that you have lived to be 50 and look forward to the next 50 years and the things that you will accomplish.
Now, I hope that I have the same attitude when I reach 50 that I have today.
hunter Dec 16th 2008 at 07:20 pm 63
Half a century old women are fun to have around!…
Slim Pickens Dec 17th 2008 at 06:16 am 64
Heh, I can honestly say I’ve never in my life had a woman knocking things while staring at me. But occasionally someone has stared at me. Since I’ll soon be in a position to stare back we’ll have to test your theory there Thomas.
I’m with hunter, I will be looking for someone around my own age when I’m set free. I don’t quite get guys my age who chase 20-somethings. I love women my age. That’s a topic for a whole new thread.