Jun15
Can You Dress Sexy Without Seeming Slutty?
Dear Evan,
What is a good way to get a guy to back off on the physical stuff when you first start dating? I dress very sexy and have a nice figure, am attractive and feel like guys are always all over me right away to get physical. I feel stupid saying, “it
Natalie
Dear Natalie,
Let’s see if we can agree on one thing first:
If Britney Spears hates the paparazzi, you certainly can’t blame her. But if she can’t deal with having her every move scrutinized, she shouldn’t have become a celebrity. That’s the unfortunate price of doing business. If she doesn’t like it, she can become a fry cook or a flight attendant or a neurosurgeon. Right?
So if Natalie insists on dressing sexy to show off her nice figure, she can’t be too surprised when men want to get a premature sampling of the merchandise. I’m not saying “you’re asking for it”. I am saying that dressing sexy has that effect on men. If you don’t want to have that effect on men…don’t dress sexy.
Assuming a guy is just putting his arm around you (as opposed to physically assaulting you), this is all pretty normal behavior. And the reason for it is not simply that men are obsessed with sex (which is true), but rather that they’re tantalized by the possibility that they can get it right away. And although you describe yourself as a fourth date girl, every guy knows one thing: Rules are meant to be broken.
Which is why we don’t pay much attention to them. This works both ways. He tells you he’s never getting hitched, but he marries the next woman he dates. She says she never dates short guys, but ends up with a dude who’s 5’6”. For the right person, all bets are off. And nowhere is this more obvious than with sex. No might usually mean no. But it can also mean maybe, and very often, yes.
And when you’re showing off your curves, Natalie, you’re bringing sex to the forefront of men’s minds and giving them the hope that they can convince you to break your rules. Because for every woman who says she never goes home with a guy on the first date, there’s another one who’s waking up next to him the next morning.
If you want to keep better control of your date’s behavior, you need to be a bit more conscientious about how you’re coming across. Listen, I don’t know any guy who isn’t tantalized by a hint of cleavage and the suggestion that there might be some risqué costumes in your closet. But if you find this is consistently putting you in an uncomfortable position, who’s job is it to change tactics? Them? Or you?
I’d say scale it back a little bit. You can look sexy without looking slutty, and you can talk about sex without seeming to come onto them. Just sit on the other side of the table, don’t have too much to drink, and make it clear that you’re interested with your words, not your body.
Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
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Shimrit Jun 17th 2007 at 03:51 am 1
You said “I’m not saying you’re asking for it” and then went on to basically saying she’s asking for it and telling her how she can stop asking for it. I’ve not seen the way this woman dresses so I can’t comment on the particular case, but surely a woman should be allowed to have her own sense of style and wear clothes that make her feel confident, without having men pounce on her at every turn. In some countries, having uncovered arms or face is seen as a sign that the woman is asking for sex and I’ve even heard some men in such countries say that if a woman is out on her own after dark she deserves to be raped. So the solution is to cover up, not go outside after dark and basically succumb to the fact that men have such a skewed idea of women they think a woman who is aware of her physical attributes or one who wants a bit of independence is by definition cheap and easy. Or maybe the solution is for men to get it into their heads that sometimes a woman’s need to feel sexy is nothing to do with her wanting to have sex with just anyone.
To the woman I would say, never feel bad about saying you’re not the kind of girl who has sex on the first date. Tone your dress sense down if you have clothes that still make you feel good about yourself but if it’s a matter of personal style, learn to deal with the idiot men who think less of you for it and see this as a test of their personality so that you know whether they’re worth dating in the first place. A respectful man would not assume anything and would definitely not make any moves if you’re not comfortable.
flirting tip Aug 23rd 2007 at 09:42 am 2
flirting tip…
Pick me up in the middle of a hectic work day. I love your writing and your thoughts — both are so sophisticated, yet at the same time casual and comfortable. Thank you for the entertainment and the inspiration to challenge myself to find more \’hap…
Kris Jul 13th 2008 at 03:27 pm 3
Hi there,
My experience is that men already have decent (or indecent, as the case may be) imaginations and that keeping some things to yourself is not a bad idea with men you don’t know. They have the ability to fill in the blanks themselves. Once you know a man’s character and you want sexual attention, it’s the time to, “let it all hang out,” so to speak.
Especially if you dressed in a sexy manner *and* are talking about sleeping naked and dominatrix outfits (how this comes up in conversation in the first place is worth giving some thought to) on date numero uno, it offers the impression that you are trying to provoke a sex response in the man. And then they touch you. They may even think they are supposed to, at that point. You have your results. If that is not the desired effect, perhaps consider a different approach.
Kris
Kris Jul 13th 2008 at 03:42 pm 4
Oh, and I agree with Evan re: body language (his last words.) If a woman is dressed sexy, talking sexy, and also oozing sexy, a man may think she wants the sexy!
Cilla Jul 13th 2008 at 05:13 pm 5
All right, and now for the parry and riposte…Wanting “the sexy”–what’s wrong with that?
I find it absolutely fascinating that so many posts from women on this blog represents the point of view that they do not want sex (or even much physical contact beyond a chaste peck), or only want it within the confines of a committed relationship, etc. Perhaps I’m mistaken, and this is probably going to rub some people the wrong way, but I get a somewhat puritanical vibe from a lot of the posters here, and it makes me wonder if that’s why they’re looking to this site for advice in the first place. I’m not saying you gotta give it away on the first date, but there is an AWFUL lot of talk here about how to avoid sex, when we know that most men consider it to be a defining element of any romantic relationship. Realistically, there needs to be some meeting of the minds.
Again, I’m not advocating behaving like a slut, but doesn’t anybody but me ever WANT to provoke a sex response in a man they’re attracted to? And I don’t mean married women with their husbands or people in long term relationships. I mean women who are new to a relationship but thinking it may be headed in a physical direction, and they’re not opposed to that. In a previous post, I mentioned I have a general three-date rule for getting physical with a man, but that can vary one way or the other depending on the chemistry and my overall intuition about him. I’ve pushed men off past three dates and slept with a few on the first or second date. By the time I met the man I’m seeing now, we couldn’t have kept our hands off each other if we tried, but there have been guys in my life with whom all I’ve exchanged is a handshake on the first date (again, just so I don’t get painted as a slut in the comments to follow).
Also, the idea of women dressing in a sexy style to please themselves is really an oxymoron. It’s nice to think we can do this, but it’s just not reality. The definition of sexy is to be arousing, exciting, appealing, etc. If you don’t want that sexiness to be imparted to another party, don’t leave the house. Put on your sexiest outfit or better yet nothing, and dance around in your living room. The minute you present yourself in public, for better or for worse, you are inviting anyone who sees you to make a judgment about your appearance based on the local cultural norms. To think you can wear a low cut top and tight pants out to dinner strictly for yourself is ludicrous. Society just doesn’t work that way, whether you’re in the Middle East or the Upper East Side.
Cilla Jul 13th 2008 at 05:18 pm 6
Sorry, should be “posts”…”represent”–little subject/verb agreement problem tonight–blame it on the mojito!
Sahaja Jul 28th 2008 at 08:38 am 7
I suppose that sexy clothing is all subjective - growing up, I was told that wearing sleeveless clothing was inappropriate - which is complete non issue to other people.
Living in Europe now, there is an overwhelming that American girls are too friendly and sluttier than European girls. I actually knew a guy friend who told his friend to get with this girl bc “She’s America - she’ll totally have sex with you” I don’t think Evan is trying to insult the sender or demean her or women , but is being consistent with how he is. He is simply stating how things are - we can’t change what other people think or do, so the only thing we can do is change ourselves. My dad always said that if you do the same thing all the time, to not be surprised if you get the same results. So if you want something different to happen…do something different! She asked for his opinion, and he gave it, so why crucify him for it. I personally hate the double standard that women and men have in dating and have debated this sexy v slutty thing - but it exists - so what can we do?
AlekNovi Aug 31st 2008 at 05:20 am 8
Poster above said:
“but surely a woman should be allowed to have her own sense of style and wear clothes that make her feel confident, without having men pounce on her at every turn.”
What you said above is the equivalent to saying.
“I want to flirt with men, without them thinking I am interested. A woman should able to flirt with men without having them pounce on her”.
Here’s the deal… Scientific fact. Several different studies so far have proven there is an EXACT objective correlation between a woman’s sexual desire and her “skin showing”. In the exact most fertile 2-3 days of the month, the woman is showing the most skin, and the least in her least fertile period.
The kicker? She doesn’t know when she is the most fertile/horny. This is a subconcious decision. The scientists measure this with different electronic markers on the inside. All the woman gets is a feeling of “I just feel like wearing *this* today”.
In other words, dressing in more form fitting and skin revealing clothing IS an objective, biologically built in marker telling people “I want sex”.
Not all women who dress that way do want sex. But in general its a viable indicator.
In other words, not only are you miss-advertising… But now you want TWO ENTIRE genders to change, so you can just dress differently?
You want both women to stop using that marker to indicate sex, and men to stop reading that indicator, just so that YOU can use it when you’re not horny?