Jul31
How Do You Know If It’s Worth It To Try a Long Distance Relationship?
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Not unless you have a choice. I may link to it every other column, but it’s important to remember that you’re As Valuable As Your Options.
If you can find a guy who lives closer to you, it will be much easier to establish, maintain, and/or drop the relationship quickly. As it stands, everything gets slowed down when a guy’s overseas.
Back to your question:
So how do I know if it’s worth it or if it’s all gonna be like a giant bomb exploding around me because what we have online or the phone just can’t be sustained "in real life".
Well, let’s look at it logically. If 99.9% of the men you’ve ever met are ones that you don’t want to marry, what are the odds that the guy who spends hours on the phone with you in another country IS the guy?
Probably pretty slim.
That doesn’t mean he’s NOT the one, and it doesn’t mean you should suddenly stop returning his calls. I just think it’s important to not get too excited about ANYBODY before you’ve, say, met in person. In fact, it’s dangerous. Because it leads to things like your letter. Or like the “bomb” that explodes around you. Or, more likely than not, the realization that phone chemistry is different than “real-life” chemistry.
Listen, nobody stresses establishing trust over the phone more than I do. Except I’m usually talking about two phone conversations in a week before you meet. When you let anticipation build up for a month or three prior to meeting, you set yourself up for three scenarios:
You see him, the chemistry is not there. You’re very disappointed. Crushed, even.
You see him, the chemistry is there. It’s on. You live happily ever after.
You see him, the chemistry is there. You throw yourself into it headlong. But due to the distance, all you ever have are week-long trips that seem like vacations. You never know what it’s like to just be normal together. So if either of you are to turn this into a regular relationship, someone’s going to have to uproot his/her life and take a big leap of faith that chemistry is a good precursor of compatibility.
Frankly, I think chemistry is just chemistry. There are lots of people I’ve had the hots for. There are very few I could spend my life with….
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Filed Under Online Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
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Carmin Wharton Aug 1st 2007 at 09:24 am 1
My opinion: if there is an option between dating someone in close proximity versus someone long distance, always, always go with the person in close proximity.
Why? Isn’t the reason we date to get to know someone better, perhaps to explore a long term relationship? Or, to simply have companionship. How can you really get to know someone better and have companionship at a great distance.
I believe to “be there” one has to “be there.”
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
Author, “Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces”
www.carminwharton.com
becci Aug 19th 2007 at 04:43 am 2
A year ago i met a man online , in May of this year we met for the first time, and have been together ever since. Its hard been in a long distance relationship and i miss him terribly when were apart. We talk everyday on the phone, usualy 2/3 times and we email and chat online, we also try to meet up for long weekends at least 2 times a month. It i hard but worth it, we know that eventually one of us will have to move so we can be together but we are also being sensible and taking it slowly to ensure that were both ready when it happens. Honesty is the most important thing in a long term relationship, without it , it will not work. When your apart from the person you love for 80% of the year, you have to have trust.
hope this helps you, but it is worth it, plan and discuss what you want for the future together, but dont rush
Sue Aug 23rd 2007 at 03:57 pm 3
About 2 years ago, I met an incredible man playing an online game. Had been doing the online dating thing for a long time and had poor results. Not all dates were bad, there was just no interest in anything other then friends (and that was fine with me as well). Then along came the man of my online dreams. He lived 1800+ miles away. We spent over a year getting to know each other, bickering, out-right fighting and one of us ignoring the other. Our mutual online friends listened to us bemoan our bad luck and listened to us say how miserable we were when not playing together. 4 times I had planned to move to meet him and everything. 3 times he changed his mind and just wanted to be friends. I found other people to play the game we enjoy with and decided that enough was enough. Last December he told me that he was miserable without me even in a virtual world. Last Feb, he asked me to marry him. Keep in mind that we had never met in person. We had talked on the phone, written dozens of emails, talked on the computer with VoIP. I FINALLY packed everything, got on a train and moved 1800+ miles to meet the man of my dreams for the first time. Now, as the train grew nearer to the final stop where he was waiting to pick me up, I imagined all sorts of things. I was imagining him taking one look at me and sending me right back. He had seen pictures of me and me of him, but pictures don’t always tell the whole story. I thought “What if I am in love with a troll?! What if he thinks I am a troll?!!”. Needless to say, 5 months later, we are deliriously happy and plan to marry soon. So, depending on how much time you put into getting to know the person before actually meeting, it can be very rewarding and so very worth it.
NIKKI Aug 23rd 2007 at 06:05 pm 4
I meet this guy on a phone dating service..Its been 2 years, and i spent 4 days and plus Christmas with him last year.. But we haven’t seen each other since..Although we talk every day at least 2-3 times …His told mehe loves me and can’t live with out me..What’s the caught is that he lives only an hour and 30 minutes away…I not sure if i am in a relationship or just a penpals..I do care for him and he told me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me..Am i crazy for thinking things will change and we will be together..what sure i do? Very confused…