May07
How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?
Pages: 1 2
Hi Evan,
I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting - through his actions and emotions - is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.
"Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week."
The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.
He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.
I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.
Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for "friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.
Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!
Thank you!
Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (see The Best of Evan Marc Katz – If You’re Seeing a Man Who Won’t Call, Commit, or Make an Effort For You). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Uncategorized, Dating Tips & Advice, Online Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
Read More...
- Best of Evan Marc Katz’s Advice From a Single Dating Expert
- Don’t Call Us, We’ll Call You
- I Compare Everyone to My Ex, But Nobody Gives Me The Same “Feeling.”
- Listen To The Sound of My Voice
- What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit
Steve May 7th 2008 at 08:36 am 1
Jennifer;
Evan wrote it before and I agree based on my own experience. People who are truly interested act interested, in straight forward & obvious ways.
If I was set on someone as girlfriend material I would certainly disable my online personal ads. I wouldn’t need to be asked and I wouldn’t use a dating site to find “buddies”. I probably wouldn’t be ready for matching grave plots after 3 months either, but I wouldn’t dodge the issue if it was brought up. I would also be making and taking week night calls, even as cranky as I get by the end of the work day.
Lance May 7th 2008 at 09:48 am 2
Agreed on all points. Despite the past, he should know pretty quickly if the girl is girlfriend material. Personally, I can have that decided in 3-4 dates, although I might not take action on it until the 6-8 weeks…my personal buffer space.
Dude, it costs money to maintain those match and yahoo dating accounts. Give me a break. He’s looking for different/more tail. If you’re not into the weekender FWB thing, then walk.
Here’s a thought. Re-activate your own match account and tell him you’re getting 100 emails a day from lawyers, doctors, and pilots who want to take you out. Then schedule a few dates. And go on them. That’ll suss out pretty quick what he’s up to.
Steve May 7th 2008 at 11:36 am 3
3 months may not be enough for a commitment with a capital ‘C’, but it is more than enough time for a man to know if he wants a woman as full time girlfriend and for him not to dodge a conversation about dating exclusively.
Lexi May 7th 2008 at 11:52 am 4
I have to say Evan is right. But then again, he’s always right. Off the topic, I read your article about mirroring. That is gospel. Its so simple yet so complicated. Thanks. Now, I’m spending my time with a guy who wants to spend time with me on the weekend and during the week. Mwah!
sara May 7th 2008 at 12:07 pm 5
Wow. have to totally agree with Evan’s action plan.
This situation is benefiting the guy 100% and not you. What a great situation for him. He gets the best of both worlds. He can have great steamy weekends with you and keep shopping around during the week for something better. Wish I could have though of that in my younger days!!!
You simply choose to either put up with it or walk away. Staying with him ensures that 6 months or more into it, he will probably have met someone else that likes enough to be calling/seeing/dating during the week and he will drop you and spend his weekends with her.
Seem to me its better to suffer through walking away and seeing what results now, rather than months down the road when you are even more attached.
Honey May 7th 2008 at 12:08 pm 6
Not only do I agree with Lance, but I would also like to add that if those dates that you go on happen to fall on the weekend…so be it. Start living YOUR life again, and if he wants to be in it, he will. If he doesn’t, don’t make excuses. Make dates with guys who are willing to put their money where their mouth is (who came up with that saying, anyway? Money is ewwwyyy…).
JB May 7th 2008 at 12:34 pm 7
Yeah, I agree with the other guys. If a guy is in love and wants to be exclusive ALL online profiles on dating sites get deleted not just hidden.
Since all of us men on here know if you put your profile back up you’ll certainly have more choices and action then he’d have on 5 sites it would be an interesting way to play “chicken” and call his bluff and see what HE does.
Steve May 7th 2008 at 01:08 pm 8
Lexi;
Whose article on mirroring? Can you provide a URL?
m May 7th 2008 at 01:11 pm 9
It only took me one key phrase.
That’s one of the perqs of being a regular reader of Evan’s.
You learn faster.
Li-Ann May 7th 2008 at 01:30 pm 10
I think the key thing here was your comment “that he is just looking for friends”. I’m pretty sure that men don’t look for female friends on match websites just so that they can have a platonic friendship and talk about their day at work.
I agree that 3 months is not a long time. However, as the other posters have pointed out, I think you usually know if you really like someone by then. I think he is just keeping you in reserve. He can have a great weekend with you, and then still be open to meet someone new if just the right person comes along on the dating site. It doesn’t hurt him at all, but it has the potential to hurt you a great deal. In the case of spending lots of months and years on relationships, women suffer the most as men prefer younger women.
I don’t buy the friends thing at all. It’s just an excuse. Can’t he make friends at work? Male friends?
As for saying he needs time, and he doesn’t want to move too fast - well, that is an old technique for stalling.
Of course, if you are still in your 20s, and have time to wait around, you can wait around another 6 months and see if anything changes. I would recommend that if you are in your 30s, you don’t have a lot of time to waste. I have a funny feeling that things won’t chase much if you put 6 more months of your life into it, but I wish you the best. Good luck!
downtowngal May 7th 2008 at 06:11 pm 11
” He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, …. ”
Oh, pu-LEEZE!!!
Jennifer, I was in your situation once. Met a great guy, total connection, blah blah, but he kept making excuses for keeping me at arm’s length, similar to what this guy was telling you. I knew he was going through a tough time so I gave him his space, but after 5 months of this (after he got through his tough time, which didn’t make him any more willing to commit) and hearing all my guy friends were saying ‘what are you DOING??” I moved on.
If a guy can’t recognize a good thing he’s not worthy of you.
Michael Ejercito May 8th 2008 at 07:36 am 12
You have to move on, girl.
Evan Marc Katz May 8th 2008 at 07:38 am 13
Here ya go, Steve. You can always use the “search” function on the right side to find an article you’ve read before…
What To Do When The Guy You’re Seeing Won’t Commit
Steve May 8th 2008 at 07:51 am 14
In response to post #13:
Thanks Evan!
It’s called “mirroring”.
Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.
This sounds really cool. I wonder if I can make it in reverse. You know, show up at a woman’s home wearing a negligee and holding a bottle of mine. Then she will mirror my behavior and show at my place
BeenThruTheWars May 8th 2008 at 07:55 am 15
I couldn’t help thinking of the other frustrated women this guy is using during the week. You know, the ones he is out having dinner with every Tuesday and Thursday nights unbeknownst to you, then going to back to their places afterwards (so he doesn’t have to go through the hassle of kicking them out of his bed on a work night)… but dammit, they can never seem to get a Friday or Saturday night date out of this guy, so they are writing letters to advice columnists and complaining to THEIR friends about this guy’s lack of commitment because he is always mysteriously busy or “has to work” on what the world acknowledges are official “date nights” for couples who are at all serious about each other.
Also: Any guy who is still active on dating sites isn’t looking for “friends.” If you buy that one, you are being naive. Evan’s advice is spot on. Walk. Now. And don’t look back. He has already answered your question of “where is this relationship going?” with his cowardly, immature refusal to even discuss it, while continuing to accept your sexual favors. You can usually halve the time you are in a sexual relationship with someone you have bonded with to get an idea of how long it’s going to take you to get over the heartache. At this point, it’s going to take you only about a month and a half to get over this guy if you leave now. I wasted 7 YEARS of my life with a guy who wouldn’t commit; it then took me a full 3 1/2 years beyond that to get to the point where I wasn’t bitter, wasn’t hurt, wasn’t angry with him anymore, and basically never thought about him or cared what he was doing anymore. Don’t do that to yourself.
Rachel May 8th 2008 at 08:36 am 16
I think I could have lived with a lot of this scenario since 3 months is still early in a relationship, that is until reading the part about active dating profiles. Here is the thing, if you are getting to know someone as a friend and potential weighing them as more in the initial dating period, doesn’t it speak volumes that he is still out there looking to acquire other “friends” on dating sites?
Sounds to me that he is keeping his options open in case he didn’t realize something he may find more appealing is out there and in all honesty you should be too.
Don’t invest more of yourself then he is willing to and by all means move on if he isn’t meeting your needs. You can try and talk to him, discuss it, and explain it all you want, but if he isn’t invested to the level you feel you are all you will be doing is wasting your breath. It will fall on deaf ears because emotionally he is not there yet and judging by his actions he is never going to be there with you.
Sorry.
Bev May 8th 2008 at 08:46 am 17
Evan was right on target. I actually was in the same situaltion and I walked when I realized it. Best decision I ever made. Keep up the good work, Evan!!!!
Liza James May 8th 2008 at 09:19 am 18
If anyone’s interested, my company is calling for submissions of “reality dating” experiences…
we just want stories of the good, the bad and the ugly
feel free to check us out if you feel like sharing your journey!
-Liza
(we’re paying!)
Debra May 8th 2008 at 09:24 am 19
I agree that you aren’t getting what you want and that he is not ready to give that to you. It seems that he’s not sure you are the one for him since he is still looking. I can understand that he really might not want to commit to a relationship with you if you aren’t the one for him. It’s up to you to decide if you are willing to wait is spite of this lack of commitment that might never come.
I am a woman on that man’s side of the fence right now. I have a great job, my own home (not paid for yet, though), and am a widow of two years. It probably looks like I don’t want to “commit” to the great guy I’ve met even though we like to do similar things and we are physically attracted to each other. I get tired during the week so I like to get with him when I am fresh on the weekends (and ours are “electric” as well). We talk briefly on the phone almost every night during the week, but like I said I’m tired from work or not sleeping well and I don’t want to get his hopes up that we can see each other, then have to cancel.
More complications with my situation, we are both over 50 and he is divorced, doesn’t have a job right now, had to move in with his elderly mother, and he hasn’t told her about us so we aren’t going into his house, and I am not having him over to mine. While I enjoy his company and we both said we aren’t seeing anyone else, I don’t want to have to take care of anyone right now and I think seeing him more often would spoil things. He’s made it pretty clear that he would love to be with me at my house but I’m seeing “golddigger” flags on that. And, I’m still looking online, but I’m not pursuing anyone else online and I would let him know if things were to change in that respect. Evidently I’m not typical for a woman. Just my 2 cents worth.
Zann May 8th 2008 at 09:28 am 20
Unbelievable! I loved every single word of it, Evan….every comma, colon, and paragraph break were: Right. On. The. Money. I wish I’d had this tattooed on my brain about 30 years ago. But, as they say, better later than never. Thanks.
Steve May 8th 2008 at 09:42 am 21
Bev; Post 17.
Did you tell the guy why you were walking? What did he say? After you left did he ever try to contact you again?
dadshouse May 8th 2008 at 12:04 pm 22
Three months with you, and he’s still doing online dating? People don’t online date to meet “friends”. And he never calls or sees your during the week? You are his booty call, his friend with benefits. It’s clear you want more than that. Walk away.
KAREN May 8th 2008 at 12:14 pm 23
WOW! I love this site! I am having so many questions answered. Evan, you are a prince and wise beyond your years. Like EF Hutton - when you talk, everyone listens!!
I am learnig and growing so much from all the answers you all have given. A million thanks to you all!!
Good Luck and much success to us all!
Kitty May 8th 2008 at 04:30 pm 24
Ev,
It’s so funny bcs as I was reading this letter, I was formulating what you’d say and I was right. Am I finally getting it?
You’re amazing!
Joanna May 9th 2008 at 03:47 am 25
Evan you have helped me so much. I just cut off a guy I was seeing for under 3 months because he wouldn’t make the effort to spend more time with me. He would call me alot and spend hours on the phone but weeks would go by without me seeing him. He lives an hour away from me, but that shouldn’t be an excuse. What do you guys think about this situation? I wasn’t asking to see him everyday, but I didn’t want to wait weeks to see him either. My situation is the reverse and I wonder if I acted to soon?
Joanna May 9th 2008 at 03:54 am 26
I forgot to say that in my conversation with him, when I told him I wanted to spend more time with him and that I didn’t think he was very That didn’t feel very nice! interested in me; he told me that he does what he can.
Margaret May 9th 2008 at 04:57 am 27
OT
Debra #19
You can do better! This guy sounds like a loser.
Dana May 9th 2008 at 08:09 am 28
Excellent Advice Evan!
I always wonder what the outcome is, we alway hear the situation and the advice, but I would love to hear what the person ultimately ends up doing (the result).
Love reading your site!
Steve May 9th 2008 at 08:15 am 29
Joanna;
To answer your question in post #25 I don’t think so. I live in a congest metropolitan area. An hour is considered nothing for a commute to a job, even less to go to something really special. Like most guys a new woman in my life I am excited about is special. An hour’s drive, over black ice, while it is raining? No problem….
About post #26, after that comment of his I don’t think it matters whether he was interested or not. Based on his answer, you weren’t in a very important position in is life.
smartcookie May 9th 2008 at 09:14 am 30
Evan rocks! He hits the nail on the head EVERY time.
Selena May 9th 2008 at 12:02 pm 31
Joanna,
You posted the same questions on the thread, “Why do men act interested if they’re really not”. There are some responses there to you.
Michele May 9th 2008 at 07:22 pm 32
Jennifer, in my opinion it doesn’t matter if you are in your 20’s, 40’s or 60’s. Three months is a fairly significant period of time to learn about a partner.
I was with you in every sense of what you wrote including his former failed relationships…..hey that happens. BUT when you mentioned that he’s still active on dating sites - that’s more than a RED flag. And he allows you to know that….another even bigger RED flag.
Yes, you like him - well, you’re crazy about him and to dismiss him will hurt. You enjoy his company (when the two of you are together) and apparently “some” connection has been made - in spite of his deficiencies.
Personally I would give him one more diplomatic ultimatum as per Evan. Observe how he reacts. If his behaviour is positive — great. If his behaviour is indifferent — even GREATER. You will then know that it’s time to re-activate your profile and keep in mind there are a lot of fish in the sea (however inadequate that seems at this moment).
Allow for some grieving time and consider him yet another life experience. You will be an even better person with more practical savvy about life. And I know these things from several closely related personal “relationships” or lack thereof, that parallel your present dilemma.
Please consider letting us know what happens, Jennifer. I think you know we are forthright with interest especially since the majority seem to share the same option(s) in your case.
Eda May 10th 2008 at 08:23 am 33
Like everyone else, I think Evan’s advice was perfect as it allows you to be in control, respectful, and dignified. No matter what the outcome, you will be proud of yourself for being so classy and he’ll probably be impressed too (not that impressing him is a goal, it’s just a nifty side effect.)
One thing I’ve learned from this type of situation is that as women we really have to listen and believe men when they tell us right from the beginning what type of relationship they are seeking. When a man says he’s been hurt and he wants to take things slow and not jump into anything too quickly, I intrepret that as he only wants something casual. He’s not ready for a serious relationship, and I think it’s ok to not want a serious relationship as long as you are honest. All too often, however, when a man tells a woman he’s not ready to be serious, but she really likes him and it seems that he really likes her, a woman will think that he might change his mind — or that she can make him change his mind, but many times he won’t. So, now, the woman is left broken-hearted and the guy is confused because he thought he made his intentions clear. It’s a lose lose for everyone.
So if you want a boyfriend, don’t spend anytime on a man who tells you early on that he only wants something casual — especially if that man has all the qualities you want in a boyfriend. Move onto the next man who is seeking the type of relationship you are. You’ve got a much better chance of having all of your needs met because you won’t have to talk him into giving you what you want — he’s already there.
Selena May 10th 2008 at 11:43 am 34
Jennifer,
Have you ever dated someone who was ‘crazy about you’? Even if you found you didn’t return the same feelings? What characterized that? I bet the guy wanted to see you often, no? Not just week-ends, but week days as well. And if he was busy, didn’t he call to say, “Hi, how’s your day going?” Did he invite you out often? To his home? To meet his friends? To do things with him that he might otherwise do on his own? Like running errands, meeting up at a sports bar to watch a game, making a brief appearance at an event he really didn’t want to go to, but was expected to show his face?
When someone is really interested they make time to be with the person they are interested in, even if it’s to do things that may seem mundane. The “fun” is in simply spending time together, even if it’s hanging out together not doing a damn thing. (Great fun with the right person.) Contrast that with this guy.
It would appear you have a guy who likes you. But he likes you *causally*. The fact he is still active on dating sites pretty much slams that point home. After 3 mos., he’s not going to suddenly fall madly in love with you because you’ve been “patient”, it’s either there or it’s not, and enough time has passed for that determination to have been made.
Confront him if you need to hear it words, otherwise go about your life not expecting anything more from Mr. Casual than he has thus far offered. Being patient for 6 mos., a year, isn’t going to change anything. Except perhaps a feeling within yourself that you have wasted your time.
Andrea May 11th 2008 at 07:08 am 35
This reads like a letter from someone who already knows the answer and needs/wants it validated.
I echo Evan’s advice and the replies here. It sounds that you two want different things and so it’s best to break up and move on. It could encourage him to commit. However, don’t give your hopes up- and don’t tell yourself that you aren’t giving your hopes up if you are. If reconciliation happens it happens.
This is one of those cases of if it’s meant to be it will be. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you.
BeenThruTheWars May 13th 2008 at 07:02 am 36
Selena, re doing those “mundane things” together when someone really digs you: my husband loves telling the story of the moment he realized he had fallen in love with he. He had just asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend, about 2.5 months in. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s and he was off of work. He wanted to buy a new toilet seat because his old wooden one had a crack in it and he was worried it would pinch my butt! (Apparently, getting his own butt pinched hadn’t been a big enough incentive to replace it prior to that.) He invited me to go to Home Depot to pick out a new toilet seat. He was going to get a plain white one, but I talked him into a clear blue one with plastic tropical fishes embedded in it. Totally kitschy and wacky. He loved it. We laughed ourselves silly picking it out. He said later… that looking around at all the couples shopping together for boring, normal household things together made him realize that “you don’t invite ‘just anyone’ to go toilet seat shopping.” That’s when it hit him — he saw us being a real couple, one that was going to last. An epiphany in the Home Depot plumbing parts section. See, that ol’ lightening can strike anywhere! P.S. When he sold his house, the toilet seat came with us to our new home. It’s currently hanging on the wall in the garage like art; when we remodel our bathroom, it undoubtedly will occupy a new place of honor.
Selena May 13th 2008 at 11:37 am 37
Great story Beenthruthewars! Yeah, I’d guess you wouln’t “invite just anyone to go toliet seat shopping”. Thanks for sharing that. And it’s true, in early dating, sometimes doing the most mundane things actually creates some of the best memories.
Li-Ann May 13th 2008 at 01:34 pm 38
Selena - an excellent post about being patient. I found (in my history anyway) that through my dating years in my twenties and thirties, I thought the right thing to do was to be increasingly patient. After all that time I now realize that if he “isn’t that into you” after 6 months, it doesn’t get any better with time. I think it was because when I liked a guy, I therefore wanted to believe whatever excuse he gave me as to why he could only see me infrequently. I would wait patiently, and it didn’t get me anywhere. The guys that truly liked me were all over me with calls, visits, etc. The guys that were stringing me along frequently did give me the speech that they “wanted to take it slow”, but I didn’t listen. My fault there. “Wants to take it slow” always translated to the eventual speech (or slow fade) where he would tell me he’s met someone else, or I’d never here from him again as the absences grew longer and longer.
With all the technology out there to keep in touch, it is harder to explain that you are too busy to make contact. I’m sure you don’t expect an hour long phone call, just a quick hello. Nobody is too busy to do something they want and that gives them pleasure.
Joanna May 14th 2008 at 05:13 am 39
Thanks guys! After reading all of the comments, I know I did the right thing by letting go of a guy that couldn’t make time for me. Why does it feel so wrong?? In the bback of my mind, I wonder if he misses the friendship we had or me?
cinnamon May 14th 2008 at 11:21 am 40
Joanna,
I’m compelled to quote something I’ve read recently:
“In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry. (…) Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work? We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.”
This basically sums up the wise advice that I received years ago when I was staying in a “should I stay or should I go” situation too long. If you feel you’re doing all the work in a relationship, in a couple of months you’ll start to feel “tired, worn out, needy, and angry” and this will for sure not help to build a healthy relationship with your guy.
BTW, I believe this is gender-neutral.
Joanna May 15th 2008 at 03:05 am 41
Thank you Cinnamon! That is so true. Letting go is the hard part and finding someone new seems even harder!
Li-Ann May 16th 2008 at 01:44 pm 42
Joanna, you wrote “…I wonder if he misses the friendship we had or me?”
That really resonates because I went through those emotions so many times in the past . I would think I had something special with a man. I would convince myself that he must find something unique and special with me, and that he needed this. I would delude myself once he left that one day he’d miss me and come back. However, in so many cases I would just get the “you are really special…but I need to see other people”, or “I’m not ready” speech.
Sometimes another person just isn’t seeing things the way you are. They may really enjoy your company, so it may look that way to you. You have to remember that you can only know what is going on in your head, but you have no idea what he is really thinking.
As I mentioned, I had my hopes that men from the past would return to me because of something that was unique to our relationship - that they’d miss me. It didn’t happen. I’m not the only woman out there. Lots of other women can be just as interesting, fun to be with. You might think he’s the only one, but he might find you, and a whole lot of other women looking interesting to him. If a man doesn’t want to settle down yet, there is a good chance he has his reasons, or that he wants to be open to other possibilities, just in case. It is sad, and I’ve been there, but I wouldn’t hold out hope.
He may call again. Sometimes the guys that tell you they need to see other people do return after a while, often because they’ve had trouble finding someone. I had to decide that I wouldn’t accept that - why should I be the last choice after all other options are exhausted? When they return there is a good chance they’ll soon go back to pushing you to the sidelines. The old patterns will re-appear. Don’t get fooled if he calls again after your break up, unless you see some really significant changes.
Lindsey May 27th 2008 at 06:18 pm 43
Thanks for the post! I am glad to know that I am not alone in this kind of situation.
I am dating a guy for 6 months now. I really like him. He is a workaholic and he put his job in front of everything. I only see him like once per week which I don’t really mind because I know job is his priority. When we were dating for 3 months, he told me he liked me but he didn’t fall for me. He told me normally he fall for someone pretty fast. I told him it may take time because I didn’t fall for him at that time as well. Therefore we continue dating.
Now, 6 months later, I don’t see any improvement. He still calls me almost every day but normally we only talk for 5 minutes because he is tired after work. He only gets one day off per week. In the past 2 months, he told me he works too much and all he wants to do on his day off is stay home and play video game or watch movie. Therefore, normally we just hang out at his home and watch movie. He will go out with me only if I ask him to. He doesn’t make plan and ask me to do stuff outside of his apartment anymore.
Yesterday, he told me he is going to Italy this summer for vacation but he didn’t invite me to go with him, even I mentioned to him before that Italy is one of the countries I want to visit. He also told me some of his future plans; however, I am not included in his plans. It makes me think he may never fall for me.
Both of us are in our late twenties. He always tell me how much he likes to live by himself and how much he enjoy his alone time at home. At this point of my life, I feel like I want a family but he doesn’t seem like he wants to settle down, at least not with me.
Is 6 months long enough or should I give him a little bit more time? I don’t want to misjudge him and regret in the future.
Selena May 28th 2008 at 06:24 am 44
Linsey,
You have been dating a man who is content just to see you casually. He told you after 3 mos. he hadn’t fallen for you and another 3 mos. hasn’t changed that. In fact, it would appear he’s made even less effort to “date” you than before. Not taking you on vaction with him? Seems rather obvious he does not consider you his girlfriend.
You don’t need to give him any more time. Move on to someone who really IS interested in you and leave this guy to his video games.
Lindsey May 28th 2008 at 10:26 pm 45
Thanks, Selena!
I broke up with him today. This week is a slow week for him. I suggested to go to a Jazz club tonight, which used to be one of the activities we both like to do. However, he made it clearly to me that he doesn’t want to hang out with me during the week. He will only see me during the weekend. He told me if I want more, I should look for someone else. Therefore I told him I am done with him.
I am heart broken now, however, I am not going to look back. I don’t need someone who doesn’t care about me in my life.
Selena May 29th 2008 at 09:29 am 46
I’m sorry you are hurting Lindsey, I hope you start feeling better very soon. But you are quite right that you don’t need someone who doesn’t care about you in your life. And it’s actually a good thing this guy was honest enough to tell you if you wanted more you should look for someone else. Think about how much more time you would have wasted had you gone through with “giving him more time”. I suspect you would have been even more disappointed than you are right now. 6 mos. was indeed enough.
Lindsey May 29th 2008 at 01:36 pm 47
Thanks Selena, you were right. I actually did thank him for being honest with me. Actually I saw the red flags 3 months ago, however, I kept thinking maybe I was just being too sensitive, he was just too busy at work. Now at least I won’t have to make any more guesses, kind of a relief actually.
I am sure I will feel better eventually. Time heals everything.
Tara May 31st 2008 at 05:23 pm 48
I’d be interested in what Jennifer ended-up deciding…
Rachel Jun 7th 2008 at 09:59 pm 49
EMANCIPATE YOURSELF, LADY. Hey, if one of your girlfriends told you about the same kind of situation, what would you be telling her? Give yourself the same advice. Of course, it’s easier when you can step back and take an objective stance. But look at what everyone is saying here. Why are you giving away your power and letting him call the shots? This guy is clearly a loser, and you can do better.