Sep24
I’ve Been Hurt By a LOT of Men. Should I Give Them Another Chance?
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I just found your site and believe yours is the only answer I’ll really listen to. I’d really appreciate your help. I am only 22 years old. Not really looking to settle down anytime soon. But when it comes to dating, I’m completely naive. Even considering my age. I wasn’t allowed to date at all until I was 19 and even then, I was only allowed to date one creep because my parents fell for the nice preacher son routine. I of course jumped at the chance because I thought any date was better than no date. And at 19, he was my first kiss and my first sexual experience but he never meant anything.
During what seemed like a particularly hard time in my life, I met the classic selfish jerk that’s all talk and no follow through. He put me down and manipulated me every chance he got. Being as inexperienced as I was I just assumed that was normal and dealt with it. My confidence of course plummeted. A year later I moved with him to another state. However, when I was finally able to prove my suspicions of his cheating, I broke it off. I remained in the
About a month after that, I was raped. I was drugged and don’t remember much. My ex being the only person that I really knew in this state, was who I confided in. He told me that all I was good for was sex anyway and laughed at me. He was the only person I told. From there, I just started sleeping around. I guess some part of me believed him. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I didn’t feel like I was coping with anything. It was just sex and I cared about these men as little (sometimes less) than they did me.
During this time, I actually, accidentally stumbled upon a real tried and true nice guy. He didn’t let me use him. He was there for me. I realized I didn’t want to sleep around anymore. Well, it turns out this is a much smaller town than I thought and men have much bigger mouths than I thought. I’d slept with two of his friends before I met him. I understand him not wanting to be with me. He didn’t judge me. It was just a hard situation.
Since then, I’ve kinda sworn off men. I’m happy single and while I do one day want to meet a nice guy again, I’m terrified. I know I don’t have to give out my "number" but in this town, it seems inevitable. I don’t know how to explain my actions in the past without getting into the full story. Most people still don’t know about the rape and I’d rather keep it that way. I’d rather be gossiped about and called a whore than a victim. A friend of mine (more of a sister actually) for some reason has become really invested in my dating. She finds me guys that seem nice but I rule them out fearing I’ve found another jerk or another guy who will be hurt by my past. She begs me to just let them take me out but I don’t really see the point. I don’t feel wounded, just a little cynical I suppose. Is she right in saying I need to give guys a chance? Like I said, I’m only 22. It just doesn’t seem that pertinent.
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
You sound very intelligent and self-aware and I appreciate your honesty.
So let me tell you a few things that went through my head in response to your email. And remember, I’m not a psychologist. I’m a dating coach who tries to provide perspective when people are too close to their problems.
Here’s what I see:
You’ve been burned by men, which gives you every reason to be wary of them. Moving on is not as easy as snapping your fingers and putting trauma such as rape, infidelity, and emotional cruelty behind you. Your experiences are very real and very painful and they’re bound to shade your whole view of the world.
Just please don’t let them determine it….
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
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- Can I Get My Ex-Girlfriend Back By Stalking Her (With Kindness)?
Damie Sep 24th 2007 at 09:45 am 1
My advice is give YOURSELF a chance first. It seems to me that finding a man right now is the least of your worries. Of course we all want someone nice to snuggle up to, but there is a time and a place where you have to put yourself first. I agree with Evan about the therapy. It can help you see why you make the same mistakes over and over and help you avoid them in the future. Heal yourself first and find happiness within, then it will be a lot easier to pick out a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Good luck!
Dating » I’ve Been Hurt By a LOT of Men. Should I Give Them Another Chance? Sep 24th 2007 at 03:42 pm 2
[…] rody wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI just found your site and believe yours is the only answer I’ll really listen to. I’d really appreciate your help. I am only 22 years old. Not really looking to settle down anytime soon…. [[ This is a content summary only. … […]
empathetic Sep 24th 2007 at 06:10 pm 3
Amanda -
My heart went out to you as soon as I read your letter. So much of it resonated with me in that your experiences echoed many of my own.
I too came from a sheltered household. I started late & was particularly naïve about dating, and so after my first big relationship crash, I decided I’d “take control” and “harden myself” for the dating world.
I started experimenting with casual sex with just about any man who showed the slightest interest in me. I let men coerce me into sexual acts that made me feel uncomfortable, to put it mildly. I stayed in relationships with partners who were manipulative. One actually praised me on my ability to “take” his cruelty, and pathetic as I was, I ate the compliment up as though it were a Pullitzer prize.
The cumulative effect of all that behavior is a tortured history: I was date raped by one man, impregnated by another whose last name I can’t even remember, and psychologically abused by several. I once even found myself sleeping with a mentally ill man who stole things from me. It took therapy and learning to forgive myself before I was receptive to the idea that nice men actually exist.
Getting over the pain required that I learn how to be KIND to myself. Part of being that way involved CHOOSING good men as a way of rewarding myself and REJECTING bad ones that I used to punish myself with. It took a sort of retraining of my reflexes to the point where the men who used to set off wedding bells in my head became the ones who set off the alarm bells. (You have to take responsibility for having chosen these guys in your past, not that you don’t already. As soon as you do that, you’l realize you have the power NOT to choose hurtful partners in the future.)
I stumbled once or twice and broke promises to myself along the way, getting involved with one or two bad ones, even while on the path to reform. The key is that I learned to self-correct out of those situations more quickly and I stopped kicking myself for making mistakes.
Don Miguel Ruiz - same guy who wrote The Four Agreements - wrote in another book that the key to letting go of pain is to FORGIVE those who have hurt you in the past. Just do it in your head. You don’t do it for their sake, but for yours. You do it because if you don’t, then every time you remember what those bastards did to you, you make yourself suffer through the pain as though living through it all over again.
Evan’s right. A complete reboot of your life is what’s in order. You could stick it out in your present town, but recovery will come faster if you physically/geographically get away. The further you can distance yourself from your past, the better. Don’t think of it as running away from your problems; think of it as running TOWARDS your new and improved future.
I jumped at the chance to respond to your letter because I want you to know you’re not alone. Also, I want you to have hope. I did meet a wonderful man and we are happily married today- ready to start a family. I dated a handful of other nice men along the way.
There’s no rush to start dating again (maybe try being just friends with men to restore your confidence in their goodness?) But whenever you’re ready, approach each new one with an open mind, and with caution too.
Good luck!
stella Sep 25th 2007 at 10:09 am 4
Amanda, your ex is an INSECURE entity. He just couldn’t accept the fact that YOU LEFT him! What a pity:( So girl if anyone tells you that you’re worthless, don’t believe them because they are just unconsciously vocalizing what they think of themselves.
I’ve never been raped and don’t wanna be either but I believe being a “victim” is nothing to be ashamed of. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak or whatever you think you are. You are a sweet, trusting person and it’s not a sin to be this way. It is just that there are lots of “evil entities” roaming around the earth in human form. So sad and sorry for the experiences that you’ve gone through.
Mr. Katz really does give great advices. You can learn a lot too from Damie & empathetic.
Life is difficult and very complicated that’s why I analyze it in the simplest way I know how or else I’ll go crazy. Sometimes life is very cruel too and you know what’s my greatest weapon, prayers.
Jes Sep 25th 2007 at 10:24 am 5
Amanda,
Evan was right when he said “You are not your past. You are your future. You are whatever you choose to be…Choose confidence. Choose optimism. Choose therapy. Choose to dump men who don’t give you what you need.” I hope you take his words to heart, seriously.
I haven’t been in your same situation, but I have had things that are little road bumps, but they felt like mountains. The best thing I ever did was start over. I stopped looking at the past and feeling broken. I started looking at the future. I perged like there was no tomorrow. Most of it was stuff, material and emotional, that I had been hanging on to for so long. I thought that it was a badge of honor. But it wasn’t, it was the thing that was holding me back.
Therapy has helped signifigantly. I promise you that it’s not going to be easy. You are going to have to face somethings that you might have been supressing. But once you do it, you will feel so much better.
Once you know you can, learn who you are again. I forgot who I was, and i didn’t like the person I had become. I went back to my roots and started doing things that I once loved, but had dropped.
No one can give you the perfect answer. No one can wave a magic wand and make it all better. But with a little work on you and a little time, things will be good again.
Good Luck!
Barb Sep 25th 2007 at 01:54 pm 6
Amanda,
You *deserve* to be happy. I know that may sound trite coming from a total stranger but it is true and I hope some day you will acknowledge that. I hope more people tell you that each day.
Good Luck!
Mark Firehammer Sep 27th 2007 at 07:59 am 7
It’s a beautiful thing to see how much compassion strangers can show toward others, who have just shared difficult details about their life and experience. Our hearts and positive thoughts go out to you Amanda.
At Compatikey we are in total agreement with the final advice Mr. Katz gave you.
“Choose confidence. Choose optimism. Choose therapy. Choose to dump men who don’t give you what you need. ”
“We’re all the sum total of the choices we make. Keep choosing wisely and nobody can stop you from fulfilling all your dreams.”
When you are ready, Compatikey is a tool that will help you to identify the wisest choice possible on the invisible levels. The levels that make up the part of attractions we feel known as chemistry. Stop by when you’re ready, I will arrange for my wife Patty, the originator of the Compatikey system, to personally guide you in the use of this powerful tool. It’s on us.
Sincerely,
Mark Firehammer, CEO Compatikey.com
Amanda Sep 28th 2007 at 02:00 pm 8
I just wanted to thank you for your advice. While moving isn’t an option I do feel I can get past this. I’m doing more things I love and doing them with people I love. I feel more confident already just having a plan and a goal. I was completely blown away with peoples comments as well. Thank you so much for your stories and support. I didn’t expect that at all. While, I never lost faith in people, I feel like less of a freak knowing that, even people that haven’t been there, still sympathize with me and take the time for encouragement. Thank you!
Ryan Hilario Sep 30th 2007 at 12:59 am 9
Focus your energy on other things that matter. What really matters at this point is your well being and your mindset. Change it and overcome certain obstacles that your facing. What you have doing is going into something and doing a take away. Taking away something was taken from you when you were taken advantage of. Don’t get back at men rather get back at what makes you happy excluding men. once you have won and conquered yourself the right guy will come. don’t search for men search for those inner desires and passions that make you happy. failures and mistakes are good but repeating them leads to a downward spiral. you will have self realizations but its really up to you if you want to move forward or look back. qualify yourself and stop qualifying men.
Amelia Oct 8th 2007 at 07:59 am 10
Yes! If I were you, I cannot survive without men’s love.
LNY Oct 9th 2007 at 01:17 am 11
Dear Amanda:
Try doing EFT: Emotional Freedom technique. I know it works miracles.Or get yourself a pet. You will experience loyalty, love and regain faith in the universe through them. Truly.
Pat Oct 10th 2007 at 02:59 pm 12
You need therapy