Oct23
I’m a Man Who Doesn’t Want to Have Kids. Who Is Left To Date?
Pages: 1 2
Hi Evan,
You frequently advise singles to reevaluate their list of deal breakers and to shorten that list where they can to increase their options.
How do you feel about applying that advice to parenting preferences?
I’m interested in dating women in their 30’s through early 40’s. I like children, but I am sure that I don’t want to be a parent. It seems likely that women who list exactly how many children they want on Match.com are pretty set on their preferences too.
I don’t want to date someone, grow attached to her and then feel hurt when the parenthood issue sends us off on our separate ways. The option of least risk would be to filter my searches to only return profiles of women who are sure they don’t want to be parents. My problem with that option is that it also returns a greatly reduced number of profiles.
I know you don’t have a magic wand, so I just have to play the hand I’ve been dealt. I’m willing to take a risk by contacting women who list that they are “not sure” about wanting children. I’m wondering if there are other types of women worth taking a risk on. Maybe women who may have listed a less than accurate preference about having children to not scare people away?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts,
Steve
Steve,
I’m running your email, not only because you’re a regular commenter, but because it follows last week’s question so neatly.
Steve’s a perfect example of a kind, relationship-oriented guy, who is extremely conscientious about the potential damage of two partners having different long-term goals. Of course, he’s more worried about getting hurt than he is about hurting the woman, but we’ll leave that aside. The point is that he is, as he pointed out, in a position of scarcity. Act with integrity and his pool of dateable women diminishes considerably.
Expecting your partner to share your rare passion cuts your dating pool by 99%.
This brings up a larger point that I’ve wanted to make for a long time:
People who are not “mainstream” have some very tough choices to make in dating. These choices mainly apply to two sets of people:
1) People who are in a minority in their preferences and insist that others share their preferences.
You’re in a minority in your preferences if you were into BDSM, or were an animal activist, or gave half your earnings to the Pentecostal Church.
There’s no judgment against minorities, but we must acknowledge that if you insist that your partner also have your non-mainstream preference, there are going to be far fewer singles from which to choose.
Simple exercise: Ask yourself what percent of people are ALSO (hardcore bikers, jobless backpackers, Buddhists who don’t believe in possessions)? Expecting your partner to share your rare passion cuts your dating pool by 99%.
My advice: find someone who is open to/tolerates your passion. Otherwise, accept the fact that it’s going to be a rare day, indeed, when you find the cute, kind, stable, age-appropriate, emotionally available person who ALSO eats only green foods.
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Online Dating Tips & Advice
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Holly Hoffman Oct 23rd 2008 at 12:38 pm 1
I just thought I would weigh in from the woman’s perspective. About a year ago I dated a guy who was dear-god near perfection. About a month or so into dating, he brought up something he said was important. He was 99.95% certain he would never want kids, and that he knew this was a deal-breaker for most women so he wanted to be upfront about it.
I had never really considered NOT having kids before. At first I was dismayed, but after some reflection told him we didn’t need to worry about that just yet and let’s just see how everything else goes. Not all women are looking for the One (or believe in the One for that matter), and not all women have considered the possibilities. He was such a great man in so many ways & his reasons for not wanting kids were so sensible that I was willing to imagine a kid-free future. I was surprised to find that I could be happy that way.
So, who knows? Why not view it as simply a difference? Besides, if you keep getting older you’ll basically be dating women past that age anyway.
Dana Palumbo Oct 23rd 2008 at 01:32 pm 2
I must admit I admire someone who knows what they want. And because parenthood is something no one should ever enter into unwillingly, because innocent children will suffer, I appauld those who decline.
That said, realize there are many younger women who already have children and may not desire more. Stick to your principles or you will regret it.
If you are worried that your dating pool will shrink, so what? It only takes one. The “one” is always worth waiting for.
Steve Oct 23rd 2008 at 01:41 pm 3
You’re in a minority in your preferences if you were into BDSM, or were an animal activist, or gave half your earnings to the Pentecostal Church.
Hey…, I never gave half my earnings to the Pentecostal church.
Honey Oct 23rd 2008 at 01:47 pm 4
Well, first I want to say that the BF and I are both in our late twenties and are atheist vegetarians who don’t want kids. By EMK’s measure, our dating pool was pretty small, and while we were both optn to dating outside our preferences, we found each other. So it can happen.
One thing that neither Steve nor EMK mention is where Steve lives, which is a HUUUUUGE factor. If you live in mapdot, KS, then you’re probably SOL. However, if you live in a major metropolitan area, then your odds go WAAAAAY up, just because dating is a numbers game. So if Steve lives in an area where the dating pool is pretty small, then perhaps he needs to consider relocating to an area that would give him more options.
Tough in this economy, I know. But them’s my two cents
Steve Oct 23rd 2008 at 01:56 pm 5
@Holly Hoffman, post #1:
Not all women are looking for the One (or believe in the One for that matter), and not all women have considered the possibilities.
Holly, I didn’t get any surprises with Evan’s answer. You can only cut things so many ways once you look at reality with your eyes open.
The reason why I sent my email in and quoted your comment above is that I am a bit confused by women on match.com who list themselves as “not sure” despite being in their late 30s or even mid 40s.
Aside from issues of the “biological clock” adoption is a significant expense and often requires years of bureaucracy. That isn’t even considering the time it takes to raise a child to adulthood….and fit a romance in before doing that.
Evan pointed out that I’m an oddball ( I am, no sweat ), so perhaps it is silly/hypocritical of me to be amazed that there are women in their mid 30s - mid 40s who have never REALLY gave the issue serious thought.
Since it is less common for someone, especially a woman not to want to be a parent I was wondering if these women who are at a more developed stage of their lives put down “not sure” to avoid seeming like odd balls?
A-L Oct 23rd 2008 at 03:10 pm 6
Here’s part of my post (#7) on the previous thread about the girl whose boyfriend wasn’t sure he wanted kids I wrote:
“I’m one of the “not sure” people concerning having kids. I don’t feel any burning desire to have kids, but at the same time I think I’d make a good parent and if the dad was super-involved, it could be fun My future spouse’s feelings will probably be the determining factor as to whether or not I end up having children.”
I’m not in my 30s or 40s yet, but I’m 28 and I don’t see myself changing my position in the next 5-7 years. But the older I become, the less likely I think I’d be to want kids. Then again, my older sister was like me and she ended up really wanting them. Go figure.
Claire Oct 23rd 2008 at 03:12 pm 7
Steve
Having myself put “not sure” in my profile, I can assure you it is not because I haven’t thought about it. I would definitely like to have children but ONLY with the right man. It’s a big decision and one that should be made jointly.
Kenley Oct 23rd 2008 at 03:41 pm 8
I don’t think that “not sure” necessarily means these women haven’t given the issue serious thought. It could mean that the woman will decide based on the circumstances she finds herself in…she’s flexible.
I also think that some women may opt for “not sure” for different reasons. Like you suggested, if they really don’t want children, they might say “not sure” so as not to seem like odd balls or worse cold-hearted woman. However, women in their late 30’s and 40’s who actually do want children may say “not sure” so that men won’t think they are the desperately seeking motherhood type of women and avoid them/write them off.
As others have said, I just think you should try to find out what the deal is early on so if she really does want children, neither of you would have much invested time in a relationship where on such an important matter both partners can’t be fulfilled.
Glenda Oct 23rd 2008 at 03:53 pm 9
Steve,
You don’t mention in your letter whether your searches also exclude women who already have children from a previous relationship or not. If so, then that would further narrow your options, especially for women in their late 30’s/early 40’s.
As for myself, I’m in my early 40’s, and I have put “not sure” or “maybe”, since I have two teenagers and currently do not plan on having more children. However, if I were to meet someone who felt strongly about us raising a child together, then I would definitely consider adoption.
Selena Oct 23rd 2008 at 03:57 pm 10
I had my son when I was 22. In my 30’s I dated men around my age, older and younger. Many said they were unsure if they wanted kids of their own, or thought they would want them “someday”. The older my son (and I!) got, the more I felt I didn’t want any more. I didn’t want to start all over with pregnancy, birth, diapers, spit up, babysitters, daycare, school and the whole long process involved in raising children to adulthood. Fortunately, in the last 10 years my 2 serious relationships were with men who already had kids of their own and didn’t particularly want any more either.
Steve, are you open to dating women who already have kids? Would you consider someone whose kids are in their teens, or college age? Less years spent helping ‘raise’ them the older they are. I think you are about my age 47, no? The women I know in their 40’s have already had all the kids they want to give birth to. For some, (like me) their kids are already grown and out of the house.
If your preferred age range is 30’s to 42, you may be limiting yourself. Expanding it upward would give you more choices. As certainly would dating women who’s children were older, grown, or nearly there.
Rani Oct 23rd 2008 at 05:31 pm 11
I’m another “not sure”, early-30s woman. As a few others have mentioned, it really depends on the potential daddy. In someways I do envy my friends who have always known either way. I’m a little concerned that at 40 I’ll change my mind and desperately want kids. Or meet the right baby daddy too late. But, either way, and unlike most choices in life, I’d rather regret not having kids and being the fun, involved Aunt (bio or honorary) than regret having kids.
Right now I’m dating someone with a 10yo daughter who lives in another state. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to have anymore kids (he’s 45 and worried about being too old, plus, he may not want to go through all that again). So, we’ll see where that goes. There are good and bad points about being childless (and perhaps wanting to stay that way) and dating someone with a kid.
Steve Oct 24th 2008 at 05:49 am 12
@Glenda & Selena.
Yes, I am open to dating women with grown children or children who don’t “live at home” as match puts it. As I wrote, I like kids, my preference is simply to not be a parent.
barbara Oct 24th 2008 at 05:50 am 13
At my age, 63, I get 3 or 4 new hits per week. I respond to 1 or 2.
I usually date one new person per week. I have been dating a couple of the same people for 6 months and 2 months, respectively.
I think this is good since most men my age are dead or married, and if not, why not??
barbara
lisaq Oct 24th 2008 at 06:19 am 14
I’m an ‘older’ woman who prefers to date younger men. That doesn’t mean I’m not open to meeting someone my age or a year or two older. It does mean someone significantly older isn’t even a blip on my radar. That being said, I realize it significantly lowers my potential matches and I can accept that. It just means I have to be patient as it will probably take longer to find just the right guy that’s into older women.
Robyn Oct 24th 2008 at 11:35 am 15
Hi Steve,
Absolutely nothing wrong with being upfront about not wanting your own children. Because having children / not having children is not one of those issues/topics where you can compromise easily - it is pretty much one of those “you both have to be a YES or you both have to be a NO” situations in order for things to work out.
I’m 43 and as much as I do love children (I have a horde of nephews, nieces & god-children) I never got around to having any of my own, and at this stage of the game I’ve pretty much decided that I won’t be having any of my own.
So if you live in the Boston area & are partial to tall blondes with a foreign accent, we should talk…
Steve Oct 24th 2008 at 01:08 pm 16
@Robyn post #15
I live in the D.C. area, but if you find yourself traveling down here or find me traveling up there you are entitled to one free night out
Susan Oct 30th 2008 at 10:36 am 17
Steve,
I’m totally late answering this because I don’t drop by regularly these days. However, if you think you’re an oddball–I’m a 39-year-old woman who has never for one moment wanted to have a child. My online profiles state this clearly. I think it’s far more acceptable for a man to want to remain childless than it is for a woman. As someone mentioned above, it’s perceived as cold. Whatever.
I tend to agree with you about not wanting to go down the path with someone who’s stated goal is to be a parent. It IS the ultimate deal-breaker. Perhaps I could learn to live with a smoker, but you don’t bring a human into the world just to make your man happy. You might be surprised how much this limits my dating options. At this point, I’m just ticking off the years, waiting for the childbirth thing to be off the table. Or at least for no one to expect that from me.
Incidentally, I live in San Francisco, but will be flying home to DC for two weeks in November. I might suggest getting together, but it would make my mother too happy.
Good luck to you, Steve!
Susan Dec 29th 2008 at 04:24 am 18
Hi Steve,
I am looking to date men who don’t want kids. I like them but due to lifestyle choices, I do not want to take the traditional path.
And let me tell you, a woman who does not want kids is judged twice as harshly as a man who does not, in the dating scene.
Having said that, parenthood is something that is a life time commitment. To be anything less will be unfair to all parties concerned. So I hope you keep your stance and persevere.
