Sep25
I Love My Ex-Boyfriend, But He Only Calls Me When He Wants Phone Sex
About four months ago, I reconnected with a college boyfriend on the Internet, and we began talking over the phone. Although we currently live 400 miles apart, I will be moving back home, near where he lives, in about six months to be with my family.
He has just recently gone through a hurtful divorce and is now battling to see his daughter. In the beginning, he and I just kept it pretty casual, venting, chatting and catching up. After a while, there were a couple of times he tried to seduce me over the phone. I asked him to not go there, because I was not comfortable going there just yet. He was persistent, and one night, he caught me at the right moment. I normally won’t allow myself to invest in a sexual relationship (if that is even what you call it) unless I am very clear of the boundaries. Also, I have never had a sexual phone relationship before.
I have noticed since this has happened that he is different with me. He still calls; however, now he tries to discuss sex often. And he complains that he has to sleep alone and doesn’t get to have sex because I live so far away and haven’t come to visit him. He’ll also go for periods of time without calling.
In a month, I am planning to go home for a week. I’ll have a chance to visit with him then. I find that I am pulling myself back emotionally many times because I am not sure what is happening. At times I want to just go the other way….far away and fast. However, I really feel like I could (and even think that sometimes I already do) care deeply for him. Yet, I do not want those emotions to cloud my reasoning or judgment. So here I am seeking your advice… can you please help me make sense of all of this?
Laurie
Apparently, it’s Sex Month on Advice from a Single Dating Expert. And Laurie, I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you.
You’re the phone sex girl.
It’s sort of like being the out-of-town girl, except, well, you never actually see each other, you just make noises on the phone.
If you don’t recall or are too lazy to click on the above link, this is the definition of the out-of-town girl: If you’re an out of town girl, you have a guy who lives at least two hours away who has been sweet talking you for weeks or months. Finally, you let him visit you and you have an amazing, memorable, erotic weekend together. The second he goes home, he does the slow fade. No more inquiries about your day. No more cute text messages to say he’s thinking of you. He got what he wanted, and maybe, just maybe he’ll call you again the next time he’s in town. More likely, he’ll call you when the girl in his area dumps him and he needs a quick pick-me-up.
It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.
If you’re reading this and it’s sounding familiar, look in the mirror. You’re being used right now. Which is fine, if you’re using him as well. However, if you’re anything like our sweet, original poster, Laurie, you probably have feelings for this cad, which are not being reciprocated. It’s time to cut bait.
Does this mean a woman should NEVER have phone sex with a guy, or NEVER sleep with a man after months of long-distance courtship? Not at all. If phone sex and long-distance never amounted to anything, the only businesses left standing would be AdultFriendfinder and some Russian mail order operation. Listen, I’ve driven to
As a woman, all you have to do is observe a man’s behavior and determine whether it’s the behavior of a man who desires a relationship with you. Exhibit A: he’s recently and bitterly divorced, he goes long periods of time without calling you, and when he does call, he goes straight for dirty talk. Does that sound like Mr. Right to you?
I think your solution is obvious, and the lesson goes out to anyone else reading this.
The problem with being the phone sex girl is not the phone sex. It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.
Put it this way: while you’re emailing me about how you’re rekindling long-dormant feelings for an old flame, he’s probably bragging to his guy friends that his ex is getting him off on command.
Want better results in your love life? Click here to read my FREE eBook "7 Secrets for Dating Success" and receive news about all my new articles, products and seminars.
Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice
Read More...
- How Do You Convince Your Cheating Girlfriend That She’s Really In Love With You?
- What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit
- Would You Rather Spend 20 Minutes on the Phone Discovering Your Date’s a Loser?
- Should I Give Him Another Chance if He Rescheduled our First Date at the Last Minute?
- The Wisdom of Experience
Honey Sep 25th 2008 at 09:20 am 1
I agree with EMK. The nice thing is you don’t even have to run…you’re already far away! However, be careful when you move back. He may interpret this as a call to use you in what will eventually prove to be more hurtful ways. Remember: you’re not moving back for him.
Selena Sep 25th 2008 at 09:21 am 2
I’m curious as to what happened when you went home - if you have already made the trip. It rather does sound like he is using you as phone sex girl, but I can’t help wondering about possible reconnection when you are actually able to see each other in person. For one thing, you have had an emotional relationship in person before. And for another, exactly how much besides “talking” can you do with someone 400 miles away?
If he were my ex, I might not be so quick to dismiss him, but I would certainly proceed with caution.
Jojo Sep 26th 2008 at 02:17 am 3
I agree with Evan! I was seeing a guy who lived about an hour away from me. We would have phone sex, but weeks would go buy without us seeing each other. We saw each other uner 3 months, went out about 4 times and 2 of those times we had sex. Of course we spoke a lot on the phone and had phone sex. When I told him that I wanted to spend more time with himhim, he told me he does what he can. I told him I didn’t want a phone relationship and ended it.
I guess, as Evan puts it, i was like the out of town girl. I was feeling that maybe he was seeing someone that lived closer. Don’t let yourself be used. When you go home and do see him, I would not have sex with him or at least right away. Take care of yourself emotionally!
downtowngal Sep 26th 2008 at 07:01 pm 4
Evan ’s right. You’re obviously not getting what you want from him. Also, it sounds as if he’s going through a transition, relationship-wise (divorce, custody battle) so he’s probably not in a place where he’s ready for a serious emotional committment.
I thought it was interesting how he mentioned that you “haven’t come to visit him” - if he were interested in something serious I’d think he’d offer to visit you.
It’s too bad about this one but best thing is to cut your losses.
Shari Sep 27th 2008 at 07:33 am 5
Laurie,
I wasn’t the out of town or phone sex girl, I was the sex girl…period. I had a very deep and intense connection with a man who could only see me every other week due to his work schedule. That every other week we saw each other was for sex. I’d hear from him the next day, then only here and there for another week, until Monday of the week we would be seeing each other when he’d suddenly become attentive until the day after we got together when the pattern would start over again.
Before we had sex he communicated with me all the time, was constantly around, but maybe a month into the relationship having turned sexual, he gave me a line about how even if we couldn’t talk to each other as much as we would like, to know that didn’t change his feelings for me at all. Then I stopped hearing from him every day, then it was every few days, until it was only really that day after we had sex, and the Monday of the week we would be having sex again.
I let this go for nearly three years, off and on, telling myself it was okay because a) I did have real feelings for him and to this day I think he did for me too but he’s a player who doesn’t want to change; and b) for quite a bit of those 3 years, I was using him too. He was a great fallback guy when the dates with other guys didn’t turn out like I wanted, or yet another man thought I was the best thing to come his way - until that next best thing walked by. He was a real ego booster and I’ve never had sex with anyone since that was a good as what I had with him.
What finally happened is I decided I was worth more than what he was giving me, whether I was mutually using him or not. I turned myself around, and a year ago met the most wonderful man who’s not a player, who calls and e-mails and sees me because he wants to be with me no matter what we’re doing, and I couldn’t be happier.
Only you have the right answer to the question of whether or not this man is worth it. But I can say, regardless of strong connections, if you aren’t getting what you want, then walk away and find what you need.