I can see it the way you do too. I just see other possible ways as well. Who knows? Too much information is missing and the whole “very casual” comment is perplexing anyway. What exactly does that mean in context to everything else she wrote?

Oh well. Not our problem fortunately.

I think we just have different “stories” for what happened. Neither of us knows just exactly how those “conversations” went on and how he actually treated her. I chose not to make him the bad guy because I just know too many women (and I am one myself) who ignore what men actually say and do and try to make a guy (or a relationship) into something he just isn’t and then we want to blame the guy when we finally realize he isn’t going to give us what we want.

You and I just see things differently. But, hey, that’s what make this blog go round.

I think there is alot missing. First of all, define ‘very casual’. In the 8 + months they had a long distance r’ship going did they ever spend time together in person? Did they have sex? Was this a r’ship that existed solely electronically until she moved to his city?

Cassie seems miffed that once she got there he didn’t have sex with her - as well as not seeing her very often and seeming a bit resentful when he did come by. Could it be that when meeting in person he wasn’t sexually attracted to her? That could explain the behavior above.

Does she know for sure this guy is even single? We’ve all heard the stories of bored, dissatisfied, morally deficent married and otherwise committed people conducting internet relationships. Maybe he was “the sweetest guy” when the contact was just a game. When it got closer to her actually moving to be near him…uh oh!…distancing. Now that she’s really there it could be a case of, “Oh shit! I can’t let my wife/girlfriend find out about this.”

That could also explain the change in behavior.

Anyway, just a thought.

Here’s what I think he did wrong:
In her letter Cassie writes, “had been seeing someone long distance for a little over 8 months” and then, “After graduation, I decided to move to the big city that he lived in. We talked about the decision for months and all the possible concerns that we had. In the end, we both agreed it seemed like a good decision.”

While Cassie might have expectations she wasn’t wholly acknowledging it certainly seems that this guy was indeed encouraging her in her move to his city. A long distance relationship of 8 months? Many months of talking about the decision and all possible concerns about it? And then when she is actually there he doesn’t spend much time with her and acts a little resentful when he actually does? I can’t say that this situation is all Cassie’s fault. How can you? His actions DO seem inconsistant with his words. WTF.

Fact his he seemed to back off the closer it came time for her to actually move. And he didn’t say anything to indicate he wouldn’t be around much once she was there. Hell, even a casual friend of over 8 months would help you settle in your new city, show you around, introduce you to people if they had talked to you at length about moving there. Wouldn’t they?

I don’t think your defense of this guy has much merit. His *actions* are consistent with those of a man who realized he preferred Cassie as an out-of-town girl to a local one. Too bad he didn’t deign to use his words to that effect before she moved.

There was nothing in the letter to indicate that the guy’s words and actions were inconsistent. She never actually said that HE wanted her to move or that he loved her or that he even considered her to be his girlfriend. She herself defined the “relationship” as not just casual, but very casual and that’s how he treated her. She on the other hand was the one who said one thing but really wanted something else. Again, she acknowledged that relationship was casual and she said that she told him she was an independent woman who didn’t want a commitment, but then she complains that he’s not treating her like a girlfriend. Now, if I were that guy, I would actually would have been thinking WTF — you don’t want to be my girlfriend, but I have to treat you like a girlfriend? Wow, women are just plain crazy.

Some have criticized this guy — calling him a jerk or a loser and I honestly don’t understand what exactly he did wrong — based on what was in her letter. Evan even said that he wasn’t letting the guy off the hook. Personally, I don’t think the guy should be put on the hook in the first place. It seems to me that she was the one who wanted the relationship to change because she moved. We have no indication that he felt the same way. Moreover, I don’t think it was his job to encourage or discourage her from moving — and I bet he didn’t.

I really feel that women have to take responsibility for their own actions and I think blaming this guy for what she did to herself, will not help her in the future. She will continue to blame guys for her choices — there is no power in that. Say what you mean; mean what you say and let your actions match your words.