Oct02
I Still Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband
Pages: 1 2
Two years ago, I discovered that my husband had a mistress, and they were working together in the same company. When I asked him to leave, he became physically violent with me in front of my son, and the police had to remove him from my house. It was a very painful time for my son and myself, and I cried for a year after.
I was also always checking to see if my ex-husband was still with his mistress. They were together on and off. He told me that he tried to break it off many times but she would somehow find a way to sleep with him again.
A few months ago, I gave him a chance to get back together, but I realized I cannot trust him and he needs help, which he refused to get. Knowing his mistress will always be after him, I finalized my divorce and got sole custody of my son.
Since our divorce, my ex-husband and I have been having sex, and it is really great. We were always very much in love with each other, and our sex life was great except for some activities that I think belong to only prostitutes.
Since our divorce, I don’t care that he had a mistress, since the feeling that he still wants me so much gives me comfort and I feel secure with him. Is it because he is the father of my child? I have tried to date another man, but I couldn’t see the same stability with him. I know I don’t have stability with my ex-husband right now either. I want to be free of him, but it is very difficult. I would like to have my small family back together, and I am afraid that other men might take advantage of me or not care for my son. Please tell me if I am doing the right thing by sleeping with my ex-husband and hoping for a better future with him or should I let him go forever and look for a better future with another man? Thank you.
All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!
Misha
Is anybody else sensing a strong recurring theme from these last few months of reader emails?
You’ve got elements of the jerk who promises to commit, but never follows through.
You’ve got elements of the jerk who treated you poorly and couldn’t help the people who came onto him.
And, of course, you’ve got elements of the jerk who is so good in bed that he still commands your attention even though he’s a toxic bastard. In fact, I’m not so sure you’re not the exact same writer.
All women with cheating ex’s who still sleep with you on occasion, and still own your heart, say “Aye”!
This advice column is a joy for me in so many ways, and yet I find each email like this so painful. The reason I’m running this one is because I’ve had just about enough of these letters. …
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Uncategorized
Read More...
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- My Girlfriend Broke Up With Me. I Slept With Someone Else. Have I Done Something Wrong?
- My Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex-Mistress. Should I Be Jealous?
Honey Oct 2nd 2008 at 09:15 am 1
Clean break rule should be implemented immediately. Do you want your son taking your ex-husband’s treatment of you (and your acceptance–nay, embrace! of that treatment) as his primer of what a relationship is supposed to be?
If you can’t convince yourself that you are worth more, then break it off on behalf of the women who will someday date your son–women he will potentially cheat on and physically abuse unless you take unequivocal action to show him that this is unacceptable behavior that no self-respecting woman would ever put up with.
Karl R Oct 2nd 2008 at 11:12 am 2
“Please tell me if I am doing the right thing by sleeping with my ex-husband and hoping for a better future with him or should I let him go forever and look for a better future with another man?”
This should be easy to answer.
“he became physically violent with me in front of my son”
At this point, the answer to your question should be clear. You should let him go forever.
“I am afraid that other men might take advantage of me or not care for my son.”
So you continue to have sex with the man who has proven that he will take advantage of you and act inhumanely in front of your son….
“the feeling that he still wants me so much gives me comfort”
Stop feeling comfortable. He wants no-commitment sex.
“I was also always checking to see if my ex-husband was still with his mistress.”
You’re still obsessed with him. See a therapist. That will make the difficult process of getting free of him much easier.
Single Mom Seeking Oct 2nd 2008 at 11:22 am 3
Great response Evan.
Thank you for putting this so straight.
Think about your son: your ex has a pattern of cheating and violence, he will do this again. Your son is getting older. He will only mimic what his father is doing to you. Is this what you want?
No.
Arvi Oct 2nd 2008 at 11:33 am 4
To be very blunt - you are very stupid and you deserve what you got.
Any man who physically abuses you for any reason is not worth it. The problem here is that you want a nice guy who is a jerk. Well your ex is a jerk but not a nice guy.
If you want the comfort of sex with someone you know without any commitment - then find someone who also wants that and be done with it.
Move away to a different city if you cannot stay away from him.
Steve Oct 2nd 2008 at 12:26 pm 5
Who are you going to believe? Me or your own eyes?
- Groucho Marx
It seem like a large number of the problems that Evan deals with are situations where the course of action is obvious, but people aren’t ready to accept that answer so they ask an expert. Maybe they are hoping for some magical answer they missed seeing or a way to find the strength to do what is obvious
Steve Oct 2nd 2008 at 12:32 pm 6
I don’t mean to demean the original poster. Many of us have problems where the solution is obvious but we don’t have it together enough to accept it and DO it.
Dump the guy, permanently.
There are nice guys out there who can rock your world and treat you nicely. Find one. No, it will not be a quick or an easy task. Get counseling if you find that you are too weak to pull off this advice on your own.
Jennifer Oct 2nd 2008 at 01:57 pm 7
Your ex doesn’t want what you want. He didn’t choose you. I’d go so far as to say he doesn’t want you (i’m sorry i know that sounds harsh) but you are merely convenient. He’s not a good guy, even though he may have a good trait or two. If he wanted you to be a ‘family’ he wouldn’t have left and/or he would do what he needed to do so you guys can get back together. It’s not your fault, he likely has issues he is dealing with, you aren’t to blame. He doesn’t not want you cause you aren’t good/cute/nice/whatever enough. But sleeping with him isn’t going to change his mind, and it’s risky for you and just prolonging your grieving process if you think it is.
And as an aside, just because you didn’t want to do what he wanted to do in bed doesn’t mean that he was wrong for it or it was activity only for ‘prostitutes’. It just means you weren’t well matched. And i’d go so far as to say that he hasn’t changed his mind about wanting those things done and is sleeping with someone else right now that will accomodate him, even though he is sleeping with you too. Don’t end up procreating again with this guy; it won’t turn out differently this time.
Ruchi Oct 2nd 2008 at 04:57 pm 8
Misha,
First of all, let me say that I’m sorry for all the heartache you’ve endured and continue to endure. Though I’ve never been in your situation, I’ve been in similiar ones. I understand what you mean when you say it is comforting to know he still wants you. I’ve been there.
The thing is… I bet you knew the answer to the your question way before you ever wrote to Evan. I completely agree with Evan’s response…and I bet you do too. Its just hard to accept….its easier to follow the pattern you’ve always followed.. it IS comfortable, after all. It’s harder to take a deep look at where you are and how you’ve gotten yourself here and to step up and make a real life-changing decision to make a break.
Misha, YOU are WORTH it….you are WORTH having a good man who is completely committed to you and treats you and your family with the respect you deserve. Going thru a divorce and becoming the lone caregiver to a child is a trying experience and difficult…I’m sure. It sounds as if those few moments of comfort you may receive from your ex are bliss. I get it. But, is it worth ALL the heartache/regret you feel the other 23 hrs of the day ?
I know it sounds so ‘cliche’ …because all the self-help books preach it…but it does seem to be true …that once you start treating yourself better and with love, others will follow. Once you find a way to love yourself, UNDOUBTABLY, you will find a man that loves you in the way you truly deserve.
Counseling may help you take a in-depth look at what is really going on behind this ….It is, of course, up to you..its your life. Just know..you DESERVE to be happy.
I wish you the best of luck.
KAREN Oct 2nd 2008 at 08:15 pm 9
MISHA:
Please, Please let go! You are in a very abusive relationship. There is no love here at all! Wake up, and smell the coffee. You sound like a very beautiful woman who is chasing a dream. Please let go of this destructive relationship. This will, in the long run, affect how your son feels towards you. Stop being used. Let go of your ex-husband. I, was like you. I finally let go. I had to for my daughter’s sake. She is now happily married to a very wonderful man. I am also loving every minute of my life now!!
You and your son deserve so much better. You will only achieve a better life if you let go of this very undeserving ex-husband. Please let him go. A much better life is waiting for you. You deserve so much more. Please, please get rid of bad rubbish (your ex-husband)!!
Much luck to you in the future!!
Karen (:
Shawna Oct 3rd 2008 at 09:25 am 10
“He told me that he tried to break it off many times but she would somehow find a way to sleep with him again.”
“Knowing his mistress will always be after him . . .”
Let’s just look at these two statements – NO woman makes a man sleep with her. It takes two. She is a jerk for sleeping with a married man, but he is ultimately TOTALLY responsible for his actions and his choice to sleep with her. Never let him off the hook for this. Don’t place responsibility on someone else – it’s his decision. Period. Nobody makes you do anything you don’t want to do.
JuJu Oct 3rd 2008 at 09:43 am 11
What *are* the acts reserved for prostitutes, I wonder?
Jennifer Oct 3rd 2008 at 11:48 am 12
@Shawna- Excellent point. Lots of women tend to forget that it’s not his mistress that made vows to them, it was THEIR HUSBAND, and they should try laying the blame where it belongs. Not to mention the mistress is clearly being told a different story by the husband and, I have to say, the act of divorcing the wife does send a crystal clear message and it’s not ‘mistress, please stay away from me…
@JuJu- I’m wondering the same thing…
Lance Oct 3rd 2008 at 06:53 pm 13
@JuJu: I asked the same question! What are we talking about here, reverse cowgirl? Anal? I far as I know, sex with hookers is pretty straightforward. What she probably should have said was acts reserved for PORNSTARS.
Obviously, she should leave the guy. A letter like this makes me think two things:
1) She should never have gotten married to him.
2) They shouldn’t have had a kid. Neither of them were ready for what they got into.
With that being said, during the next go-around they both might want to consider OPEN relationships, since they both seem to be okay with their partners seeing other people.
mic Oct 4th 2008 at 10:19 am 14
slightly facetious Single Mom Dilemna:
Good-looking ex
Less attractive new guy who would accept the package deal
It’s kind of annoying to have to point out that many relationship problems involve “thinking with your eyes.”
Andres Munoz Oct 4th 2008 at 02:51 pm 15
Misha
The fact is he’s not a real man. You do deserve better in your life and more importantly you owe to your son.
Leave him and move on with your life! You happiness isn’t dependent on your husband, you make your own happiness.
Andres
A-L Oct 4th 2008 at 10:25 pm 16
When Evan first posted this entry I was thinking, “Not again!” I, for one, had enough of all these posts that were essentially the same. Lo and behold, a few days later, I find I may be in the same boat as these women.
My boyfriend:
Left me a few months ago
He recently came back and says he:
Still cares for and is attracted to me
I’m now:
Making out with with him again/Getting those strong feelings back
Yet he still won’t:
Make a commitment to me
What should I do, Evan? I’m so confused.
When put in these terms, it’s rather obvious. Except that during the time we were together, he always treated me very well. The relationship ended because I wouldn’t have premarital sex (a position which most guys here can understand). He’s honest that the sex issue is still barring him from wanting to have a committed relationship with me and that’s not likely to change. Plus we’re not having sex, just making out and cuddling. But the way he describes me, and the way he describes the woman he’s looking for, are the same. I guess I’m just hoping that by continuing to see him he’ll see how compatible we are and decide he wants to be with me.
I guess I’m trying to figure out if I can handle the friend with benefits thing (though the benefits in this situation are not as…extensive as those more commonly discussed), because that’s all it appears he’s offering. Just don’t know if it’s healthy for me or not, and that’s where the problem lies, as I would still be interested in getting back together with him. Then again, many people seem to believe wholeheartedly in the friends with benefits phenomenon.
Don’t really know where I’m going with this post but just wanted to add that there’s one more silly girl who thinks her situation is unique when probably no one else does.
Michael Ejercito Oct 6th 2008 at 08:09 am 17
A lot of women are desperate.
This explains why they sleep with cheating ex-husbands.
mic Oct 6th 2008 at 01:13 pm 18
There’s a shortage of men who are physically attractive and available for commitment.
Lance Oct 6th 2008 at 01:52 pm 19
@A-L: What kind of commitment do you need to have sex with the ex-bf? Marriage? If that’s what it will take, you both should probably break it off. He doesn’t want to marry you, and you don’t want to give it up, so there’s a basic conflict there. Both of you ought to date other people.
The FWB can be a perfectly cool and healthy relationship, but you both have to play by the rules and should make an effort to date other people. Otherwise, you’re just settling for each other when the attraction/compatibility just isn’t there.
downtowngal Oct 6th 2008 at 05:13 pm 20
Evan, I can’t agree with you more. And I’d like to add that Misha should really seek professional help. She’s making the same toxic choices over & over, but doesn’t see it that way.
Misha, it’s great that you’ve taken the first step by questioning what’s going on. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through as nobody deserves to be treated that way. There’s probably a lot more to what’s driving you toward your ex that goes beyond loneliness, etc. Many communities have centers that provide counseling for women who’ve been in abusive relationships, and often times the assistance is subsidised so it can be affordable.
Your ex won’t change, but you can.
You have a lot to sort out - for the sake of your child and yourself you should speak with a professional therapist.
mike yuen ken paahana Oct 7th 2008 at 03:10 pm 21
sex with my ex wife is great now that i no need hide that i sleeping with other girls
hunter Oct 9th 2008 at 05:39 pm 22
on post #18,
…can’t have them both, its either one or the other……LOL!…
Cam Oct 10th 2008 at 04:29 am 23
Misha, please listen to what these people are saying. I would recommend reading “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. Your ex-husband doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved, not all men will mistreat you and you should hold out for one that will treat you and your son right.
It is also okay to be single in the meantime. Treat yourself with love, ditch the ex, take good care of your son and try to model for him what a healthy, stable relationship is, as a single mom and as someone in a relationship. Best of luck.
A-L Oct 12th 2008 at 06:00 pm 24
Just as an update on my previous post (#16). I’ve come to the realization that though I might be able to have a FWB relationship with some guys, I like my ex too much to remain detached if we had that kind of a relationship. I think we’re going to try and remain just friends, and if either of us change our positions in the future, then we’ll see how that goes.
AvisBailee Oct 16th 2008 at 04:12 am 25
No you are not being selfish, selfish would be to punish him by way of your children. Sometimes it is possible to be friends sometimes it isn’t - he hurt you badly and why would you want to be friends with someone who disrespected you?
Tell him you will be civil for the sake of the children, but there is too much water under the bridge to even want to be friends again.
Selena Oct 17th 2008 at 04:54 pm 26
The more time you spend trying to hold on to a crappy relationship is more time you have wasted toward finding a good one.