Dec27
If I Have Herpes, How Can I Tell The New Guy I’m Dating?
Pages: 1 2
Hi Evan -
Really enjoy your blog. I found out a few months ago that I have herpes. After going through the normal flip out and that my dating life would now consist of Ben and Jerry’s and DVD’s every Saturday night, I’m ready to get out there again.
I have gone through "the conversation" a million times in my mind. I have seen men post on various dating sites where they come right out on their profile stating they have herpes. And before I found out about my little gem, I would immediately think, "not in my backyard". I think that is a TMI on a profile. I thought that if I meet someone, and there seems to be some sort of vibe, I would have the talk pretty quickly, possibly even the first date. And I wouldn’t be dramatic, just simply say, you need to know something, I have herpes. I control it with medication, but no matter how you slice it, it is what it is.
There are "herpes sites" but they kind of creep me out at this point.
I have enough common sense that I wouldn’t casually mention this as we are flinging clothing all over the room.
What are your thoughts? Is there a "right time or wrong time" to have this discussion?
If ok, want to jump on my soapbox for a second, if anyone reading this has herpes, do the right thing, let people know. One of the most difficult things I had to do was call former boyfriends I may have exposed (think it was dormant in my system for quite sometime, I honestly did not know). None of these guys started screaming at me, they THANKED me and said they would get tested - none of them had it -YAY!!!!
This is forever, don’t make it forever for someone else - have "the talk".
Thanks Evan, happy new year!
Jen
Important question, Jen. And while I’m not an expert in herpes, per se, I do know a number of people who have it, and continue to lead rich, happy, limitless dating lives. So don’t worry. It’s all gonna be okay.
I do know a number of people who have it, and continue to lead rich, happy, limitless dating lives.
I think all the readers should take a second to put themselves in your shoes for a moment. Because one second you’re saying “No way” to a guy with herpes, and the next, you’re praying that a guy doesn’t judge you for this one minor thing.
And let me be clear, it IS a minor thing.
According to Herpes.com, 50-80 percent of the American adult population has oral herpes. Ever had a cold sore? Congratulations. You probably have oral herpes. As far as genital herpes goes, we’re talking 205 of the population. That’s 50 MILLION people, a majority of whom don’t even know they’re infected. The scariest part of this whole thing is the staggering ignorance about herpes – a disease that undoubtedly affects someone that you know.
Don’t think so? Well, let’s just say that I have close friends, clients, and ex-girlfriends who have genital herpes, and none of them are traumatized, hospitalized or ostracized because of it. So let’s get past that.
Just know that if you have the disease, you may be entirely asymptomatic, which would mean that you could potentially transmit it without knowing. And if you do have symptoms, they are easily controlled with the use of drugs. The question is how do you explain this to someone else who is freaked out by this kind of stuff?…
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
Read More...
- Should I Disclose the Number of Sexual Partners I’ve Had In the Past?
- Should You Say In Your Profile That You’re Looking For Marriage?
Markus Dec 27th 2007 at 10:58 am 1
I’m saying this is a first-date convo but, let me understand this..it’s not contagious on medication?
Ron Dec 27th 2007 at 02:08 pm 2
I would guess there is legal liability involved if you know you have herpes and you do not tell a sex partner beforehand.
Let’s put it this way: If I had sex with a woman, got herpes, and later found out she knew she was exposing me to the virus without telling me in advance, I’d sue the the living daylights out of her. I would try to take every asset she had.
And this is coming from a guy who is not at all materialistic or greedy.
It doesn’t at all sound like you are irresponsibile like that. But, for anyone out there who is, get ready to deal with a lawsuit if you get ahold (no pun intended) of a partner who doesn’t play nice after getting infected.
Ron Dec 27th 2007 at 02:10 pm 3
And by the way, I wouldn’t call herpes “not the big of a deal.” It is a lifelong disease for which there is no cure.
I’d call that a big deal. The common cold is not a big deal.
Selena Dec 28th 2007 at 07:51 am 4
Given that 1/6 th. of the population has herpes, I wonder if anyone has actually sued a partner and won. How about the other 70+ STD’s? Since so many of them can remain dormant indefinetly, if someone has had more than one partner in their lifetime, how would you even know who to sue?
Can herpes, chlamydia, HPV be detected by a blood test like HIV, hepatitis, and syphyllis? It’s a bit scary to think no matter healthy you may think you, or a partner are, there may be something lurking, ready to pop out.
Also, the commercials say medication doesn’t prevent passing herpes to a partner. Condoms don’t claim 100% effectivness against the spread either.
Big deal I suppose is defined by one’s own perception. The common cold can kill people with a weak immune system. That could be considered a big deal to those affected. While having a herpes sore could be considered more of an annoyance.
Jane Dec 28th 2007 at 08:19 am 5
I’ve had herpes for many years and have had to have the conversation. Not one time was it a deal breaker and each time I was thanked for letting him know in advance.
Having herpes is personal information and you are not required to tell anyone until you know that you want to take that next step into the wonderland. If you know that soon, then tell soon. Absolutely.
I have never given it to anyone. I have always been careful and respectful of my partners. I was very unhappy to get it but I have a lot to offer and what I have to offer by far supersedes herpes.
I have told my partners with a face to face convo, letter or email titled disclosure. The usual response is–not an issue–if he knows something about it or he may ask questions to know what he can expect.
It is unfortunate thing to have, no doubt, but, as time goes on it lessens. I have an outbreak every 2 years or more. So, look at it this way: you have coldsores in an unfortunate place that puts you out of sexual contact for a week or so once a year, or two years, more. geez. And, if you care to, there are certainly other adventures you can provide that your partner can enjoy during that week.
Be strong, be sure. The guys who would not see beyond this and care for you anyway, in fact, appreciate what it says about who you are as a responsible woman, aren’t the guys you want anyway. Who wants to be with someone who can’t be rational about his fears?
Leah Dec 28th 2007 at 10:32 am 6
Well, I’ll tell you about one experience I had. I went out with this guy, things started to get hot & heavy, and he says “before we do this, I have to tell you something.” Let me say, I was GRATEFUL that he had said something, but it also was NOT the right moment! At that moment, it was a deal-breaker for me because I was not able to find out anything about it before I took that step with him.
When I did do some research, I found out that it *can* be transmitted, even while properly medicated. The chances are slim, but still there. I decided I didn’t want to risk it, with him. The perfect guy out there for me may have herpes, and I may see things differently. But for now, and with that one particular guy, I’m not willing to risk it. That’s just my opinion.
zann Dec 28th 2007 at 01:34 pm 7
I think the most critical phrase mentioned in this post is that of “staggering ignorace.” I am relatively symptom-free “carrier” of herpes and was unknowingly infected by my ex-husband, to whom I was married and faithful for 20 years. He was also unknowingly infected, because he was symptom-free when he met me. This was in the early 1970’s when not as much was known about herpes. If you didn’t have symptoms, you were told by vd clinics that you were not infected and therefore could not infect others.
But I’m always amazed by what many people think herpes is, with some even thinking it’s a life-threatening, “flesh-eating” disease. Even more amazing is the hypocrisy — singles will have non-safe sex, trusting a new partner’s word on being HIV negative, and yet launch into a victimization freak-fest if they later find out their new partner may have herpes. This ignorance of facts makes the most rational people become very judgmental about the ethics, morals, and even hygene of those with herpes. It’s ridiculous, it’s demeaning, and I’m tired of it.
I do disclose early on if I think the relationship has any potential in moving into sexual intimacy. I’m ready with accurate information but also advise that the man not take my word for it and that he gather independent information, on-line or through a doctor, if he feels at all ambivalent; however, be aware that there is contradicting and mis-information out there.
I would like some clarity, though, on this issue of whether I can infect someone else if I am symptom-free and on medication. According to my own physician, if I plan to be sexually intimate, I should start medication; otherwise, I would take medication only if I am symptomatic. I have read differing opinions on this.
And to Ron — who posted earlier — and anyone else who follows his line of indignant, self-righteous thinking: Get over yourself. Good luck trying to sue anyone for possibly spreading herpes symplex to you. And before you do, get yourself tested just in case (horror of horrors!) you, yourself are infected and unwittingly spreading it to others. The majority of people with herpes have no idea where they got it, and you can be pretty sure they didn’t choose to be infected.
Fortunately, I have only had one negative reaction from a man I’ve disclosed to, but it was so extremely negative and shaming that it stopped me from dating for quite a while because I feared a similar reaction from the next guy I might get close to. But I’m heartened by what I read here, and I believe that if a man refuses to seek a relationship with me based on my disclosure of herpes, it’s certainly his right, but it’s also his loss, because judging anyone based solely on factors out of their control (like color of hair, height, ethnic background, etc.) is going to eliminate someone who may potentially be a very good partner for you. But if you do decide against an intimate relationship with someone you’ve met, based upon their having herpes, at least do as a result of having all the correct information and without condemning or being judgmental.
Thanks to all who’ve shared their experiences.
Selena Dec 28th 2007 at 01:54 pm 8
Leah,
You make a very good case for getting to know someone at least fairly well before being intimate with them. Conditions of any kind, sexual or otherwise, are more easily accepted with someone you’ve come to care for, rather than just barely know.
sallynyc Dec 28th 2007 at 02:33 pm 9
I would have to agree with the guys ….herpes IS a big deal. This is information I would want to know by the third or fouth date…b/c if you’ve made it that far you probably have good chemistry and want to take it to the next level. Even if you can’t catch it when on medictaion you have to disclose it!
Ron Dec 28th 2007 at 03:30 pm 10
zann-
there was nothing in my post that made a moralistic judgment about those who have herpes. Obviously, you are projecting onto others by calling me self-righteous.
Perhaps you have some issues you are dealing with. If you want a self-righteous post, I’ll be happy to give you one. But that comment by me earlier was not self-righteous.
T Dec 28th 2007 at 03:40 pm 11
What are the risks to a man who is performing oral sex on a woman? If the woman does not have a visible outbreak in the vagina, is it OK?
downtowngal Dec 28th 2007 at 06:04 pm 12
“He will not catch it since you take drugs ….” Evan can you confirm whether someone with herpes on medication CANNOT infect a partner? There seems to be some confusion over this, esp given that this is a public site.
Also, does anyone know the ratio or men to women who contract herpes? I heard that women have more frequent outbreaks and/or have a greater chance of being infected than men because of our physiology but men are more frequently carriers. I know this is true with genital warts… not that this will change anything but I’m just curious.
Bennie Dec 28th 2007 at 06:31 pm 13
For the great majority of people, Herpes is as big or as little a deal as you want to make it. Technically its a skin condition that often, but not always, is spread sexually. I found out that I was infected w/ type 1 & 2 herpes many years ago, no idea for how long because although I had taken batteries of STD tests several times over the years, these had not previously included the herpes test.
Never had an outbreak, so for me its not a problem. Never had a lover reject me because of it either. And to my knowledge I’ve never infected anyone else either.
To T and anyone else that wants to know what the risks are, what is the % chance you can catch it from a particular sex act, the truth is no one can tell you. I’ve gotten greatly different answers from different doctors (some have even told me that since I don’t have symptoms I don’t really have herpes, I’ve just been exposed to it, whatever that means), so even the experts aren’t clear on it. Any skin to skin contact with friction can potentially spread herpes; do a Google search for “Herpes Gladiatorum” if you are curious.
For most people sex is important enough to take some risks; if you really care about the person you’d be a fool to let an annoying skin condition come between you.
S Dec 29th 2007 at 12:47 pm 14
Jen,
Great question. You are not alone. I also have genital HSVII. Since testing positive I have told 3 men. All 3 were fine with it. Despite my anxiety, the conversations took a few minutes. I found some advice on telling at the website http://www.racoon.com/herpes/. Evan got it right. It’s about your attitude while telling and about having accurate facts.
Since others have asked, below is some basic herpes info. There is a lot of misinformation out there and many doctors are not up to date. (Bernie you have herpes—there is no such thing as being a “carrier”)
There are 2 different viruses. HSV1 and HSV2. As Evan wrote 50-80% of the population has HSV1. HSV1 most commonly presents itself orally as a cold sore. It is possible to have HSV1 genitally.
1 in 5 people have HSV2. 80% of those infected do NOT know!! When you ask your doctor for STD screening, you will NOT be checked for Herpes. This is because it’s so common the medical community has decided to not routinely screen. (if you want to be tested ask for a type specific herpes test- this tests for type 1 and 2)
Transmission Summary:
Female to male Transmission
No condoms, No antiviral 4% chance of transmission.
Condoms, no antiviral 2% chance of transmission
Condoms + antiviral
S Dec 29th 2007 at 12:56 pm 15
continued…
Condoms + antiviral
Angel Dec 29th 2007 at 02:43 pm 16
Jen…
You ask a great question, one that I have dealt with myself. I am a 43-year-old woman that has had herpes for over 15 years. I *always* told my partners about my “gift that keeps on giving”. Evan is right… the bigger deal you make of it, the more likely you will freak out the person you are talking to.
Most of my partners were very grateful to hear what they would be exposed to, and there were no adverse side effects. Only one man was hesitant - to the point of breaking it off with me - but he still thanked me for letting him know before we got physical.
It all comes down to this… we both have a disease for which there is no cure. It isn’t an ideal situation, but it could be so much worse - and you are deifinitely not alone. Above all else, please know that it is your absolute responsibility to let potential partners know about your condition, and let them make that final choice without judgement.
Peace!
Kat Wilder Dec 30th 2007 at 11:47 pm 17
When it comes to any kind of STD, you have to let a potential partner know. Period. He/she needs to have the right to decide what’s OK and what’s not for him/her (and any sexually active person should already know all about STDs and HIV so there are no “how do I handle this?” moments — that’s just being smart and safe.)
If it’s a deal-breaker, so be it.
But this speaks to the bigger issue of getting to know someone before getting intimate. Sharing something as complicated as “I have herpes” involves a level of trust and honesty, and that takes time.
CB Jan 6th 2008 at 08:11 am 18
Thank you to Jen, Evan, & all of the fellow herpes carriers who were brave enough to share their experiences and advice. I found out that I had herpes over a year & a half ago. I told my ex-boyfriend, who did not react well, but was also tested & did not have it. I have finally met someone who I like & need to tell, but it is not easy. After reading Jen’s letter & all the responses, I am prepared to tell this guy at our next date and not make such a big deal out of it. Thanks again & happy new year to all of you!
CN Jan 8th 2008 at 02:09 pm 19
I have had herpes for over 20 years. My ex-husband transmitted it to me early in our marriage. He was unaware he had it. As noted above, the most reliable information does not come from the medical community who I have found to not be up to date.
For those of you who were confused about the “antiviral”, there is an antiviral gel that has been developed for use with a condom and can protect areas not covered by a condom for both men and women. Please see the following website:
http://www.oceanusbrands.com/home.htm
This can also protect against other STD’s not just herpes. Also, herpes can be transmitted even when on appropriate medication.
lilmiss Jan 29th 2008 at 07:16 am 20
Telling is what you make it. I’ve had this over 25 years and always had a positive results.
Herpes is NOT part of the standard STD tests…Many that have it don’t realize they have it. The idea of suing is ridiculous as one would need to PROVE they never had sex with anyone else and show for a fact they did not have it. Herpes can lay dormant for years.
To me it is NOT a big deal and only a minor irritation. It is INCORRECT to say there is NO chance of spreading it while on anti-virals. There is ALWAYS the risk.
J Feb 7th 2008 at 04:51 pm 21
I have herpes and had sex twice with someone I want to continue to have sex with. I just can’t tell him. This is a purely sexual relationship, he’s much younger than me. I just can’t do it I’m too embarrased and the fear of him rejecting me consumes me. The fear of giving it to him is great also. I’m torn.
J Feb 7th 2008 at 09:29 pm 22
Please Note: The person who posted the last comment - #21 - is not the “J” who has posted voluminous comments under other subjects. There is nothing wrong with what this person has posted using the same “Name” as me - and certainly “J” is not an original name on my part -but given that theirs is a very personal comment that is theirs alone and does not reflect my experience or my health condition (in this case, that would be lack of, for me) I felt the need to clarify. Guess I will need to find myself a different moniker to post under … I do hope the person who posted comment 21 figures it out. Though I don’t believe you can have something like that and not be upfront. Difficult as that would be, if he finds out and he knows you knew and you didn’t tell him, you may well lose him anyway and chances are he will be angry. Then you will be hurt and embarrassed and rightly so on the embarrassed front for not telling him something that clearly affects his health and welfare (for now and his future) too.
Formerly J Feb 7th 2008 at 10:22 pm 23
Hi - also left comment 22 (about not being the poster in #21) - I did want to clarify that I am not dissing people who do have herpes - I think it may well be more people than not it is so hard to detect and is so prevalent now. It is the no disclosure policy of someone that does know they are infected who doesn’t inform someone they are intimate with - preferably ahead of time - that I don’t condone. I give anyone who is upfront about this a great deal of credit- especially anyone who has also notified past partners upon diagnosis. And I think the posts on this topic were very helpful as well as informative. I appreciate the candor of these folks.
Devon Feb 26th 2008 at 09:46 am 24
I have had HPVII since I was 19, the very first time I had sex. After I was diagnosed, I talked to my “first” boyfriend and he denied it. He said I got it from some one else! Yeah what a jerk! He knew he had it and then denied it when he given it to me.
Since then, I am 37 now, I have only had one man that didn’t want to be bothered. You may ask yourself when do you tell someone…well the answer is when you feel ready to. ALWAYS BEFORE SEX!!!!
At first, I would tell a potential lover that I had it on the first date. All of them were cool with it. Then internet dating came along. I had been talkin to Tim for about 6 months. We met, great chemistry, only kissed. After we met, he wanted to see me more and explore other levels of our relationship. I told him. He broke up with me over a text message. I was hurt for a while, but I got over it.
Now that I am internet dating, not just looking for sex, I disclose it in my first email. I look at it this way, no time is really invested in him, if he isn’t comfortable with your “situation” he can dismiss it and you can move on. However, it ultimately comes down to preference. I have told potential lovers in person as well, it almost seemed as if they were saying to me….ok, can we move on now.
Yes HPVII is uncurable, it can still be transmitted even when you are on medication and no signs of an outbreak. Always practice safe sex PERIOD!
The chances of some one suing your becuase you have HPVII is slim to none, but, if you are involved in a realtionship and it ends up in marriage and you did not disclose that information about you beforehand, YOU CAN BE SUED and divorced in a hearbeat!!!
There are also special dietary supplements that can keep your HPVII at bay along with Valtrex and Famvir, and of course a lower stress level! Good luck with the latter.
Don’t be afraid to have an “adult” conversation about your HPVII, it is only RIGHT to tell a potential partner. Be there for them when they have questions, sending them to a website can freak them out! Yes you may have to modify your sexual repitoire, but, your partner will have respect and trust for you in the end.
Ed Farnsworth Mar 9th 2008 at 08:02 pm 25
Speaking as a man who has never had a cold sore. The reason 1/6 of the population has herpes is because of the attitude of some of the carriers on this site. I always ask potential partners before any sexual contact if they have ever had an std. If they answer affirmatively… fine, I’m gone and they have my sympathy. But I was lied to once by a woman who thought that putting me at risk for this incurable disease was “no big deal.” What scum! A warning to the healthy. Women who have herpes will lie to you when you ask them if they have it.
Jared Meyer Mar 9th 2008 at 09:52 pm 26
“Drug and Disease Free”
I’ve had my eye on the profiles of single woman online and I’ve never seen any of them include the notation of “drug and disease free.” Then again I’ve rarely be proactive and searched for them.
Are addictions and health conditions so personal that most people don’t share this intimate information until after hopes have been built and care has been developed?
From a romantic/love development standpoint, it makes sense to wait until it’s right to talk about health. From a humanitarian standpoint, however, to me - it makes sense to put all the cards on the deck to determine the best match of two candidates. We’re often not as selective as we really could be and our efforts are sometimes extended due to lacking information we “could have used yesterday.”
Within our online profiles, we share income, religious beliefs, our diet, and smoking habits. What’s holding us back from sharing more information like addictions and health conditions? Fear and embarrassment.
Imagine a nation where most people provided more understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance - essentially more love. We’d be less angry, ignorant, and mean-spirited, and could make better decisions with regard to all areas of our lives beyond health and love.
I hope to read more posts with less ego and more compassion. Have you ever considered that no one is right and no one is wrong? We just are who we choose to be and that we want to know or believe whatever we feel is best for us.
Cynthia Apr 9th 2008 at 02:16 am 27
Jeez. I am *so* envious of those of you who have had decent reactions from those you’ve told. I have told three men now since I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. All three have had varying levels of poor reactions to it. I’m starting to feel like a leper.
None of the three expressed any regret that I had H, concern for my well-being, nor respect or appreciation for the fact that I cared enough about their welfare to tell them. It was all about them! *Their* risk, how this would effect *them*. If someone tells you they have a disease, for god sake part of your reaction *should* be to say that you’re sorry to hear that! I can’t imagine someone being told that their friend has cancer, and omitting any sense of concern for that person and just focusing on how it would effect them (”Damn! I guess that means I’ll have to be inconvenienced by spending time at your sickbed!”).
A couple of the men I told immediately took intercourse off the table, without asking question one about H (and they weren’t educated about it) but just presumed I would do other sexual activities with them. Hello?! I am a partner in this relationship as well. You don’t just get to dictate to me what we’ll be doing and presume I’ll be fine with that. And if someone isn’t even open to the possibility that I am worth taking a small risk for (and having protected sex with a person who is not having an outbreak IS a small risk), if I’m so unspecial and unimportant to them and our relationship is not meaningful enough to be worth it, then I don’t want to be with them in any capacity.
One of them initially said he was ok with it, but then got cold feet *without telling me* (couldn’t be bothered to reciprocate my honesty) and instead of having intercourse and/or cunnilingus as we’d talked about, I just gave him a BJ, he fingered me, and that was it. Leaving me confused until I pointedly asked if that was the reason.
One of them actually critiqued the timing of when I chose to tell him! The way I see it, you cannot win. If you tell someone “too soon” they may consider it TMI; if you wait too long, they may feel strung along (the actual words used were “left it waiting like a time bomb”). And there is no getting inside that person’s head and knowing exactly when they’d want to be told. Critiquing someone’s timing is an unbelievably tacky way to respond to someone who has been caring and daring enough to have this difficult conversation.
In short, I am still waiting to be treated as honorably as I have continued to treat my potential sexual partners.
Yes, it’s important for those with Herpes to tell their potential partners, as this article points out… but I’d like to see it stressed that it’s just as important for those potential partners to react with compassion and open-mindedness. The reason there are people out there who don’t tell is because they are tired of being made to feel like lepers. Respect and concern is a two way street. Or should be!!
Michael Ejercito Apr 9th 2008 at 07:50 am 28
Cynthia,
Have you met any other men with herpes?
Dave Jun 7th 2008 at 07:13 pm 29
I got it from my girlfriend. She didn’t tell me she had it when we started dating, she didn’t tell me she had it when we moved in together. When I found a bottle of Valtrex she had stashed, the sores on my package made sense and I visited my doctor. He told me yes indeed I had the Herpes. At which time I confronted her about her Valtrex bottle, and she denied it was for herpes, she attempted to tell me she had Valtrex for shingles and the occasional oral outbreak but no way did she have genital herpes. She even tried to push it back on me and say how did I know I didnt have it and gave it to her. Now I am not stupid but for a moment I pondered the idea. I have stayed with this woman for 4 years since finding out, more or less I am afraid to try to find someone else. Those Valtrex commercials are complete lies for a guy to have it and a woman who doesn’t? He might as well have AIDS. So recently, this nasty woman decides she isn’t getting her way and we should break up. I want to take her to court, she has ruined me. Just to make sure, I called my ex girlfriend I had before this woman and guess what? No herpes–never had it she is even going to go get tested and send me the results to take to my lawyer.
SUNSHINE Jun 8th 2008 at 02:20 pm 30
Hello, I am 28 year old female. I am pretty much scared. I’ve known I’ve had herpes for about 2 years now and as much as I read about it, it freaks me out and scares me because I plan to have kids. I’ve only been with 4 guys my whole life. I have friends who sleep around often and can never quit figure out “why me”. I have child hood friend of mine, more of a friend of the family. I’ve known for years that he was interested in me however, we just never connected. I was always with someone and so was he. Recently I found out he’s in the army and we’ve connected. We’ve been talking every day and I can’t believe I never got to know him better. We have grown very close and he talks alot of us moving to be together after If finish college at home. He will be making a visit in a few months. I don’t know if I am to tell him via email, over the phone or face to face. I am soo scared he will look at me differently and hate me.
NYC Aug 22nd 2008 at 09:07 pm 31
I think it’s not fair to say “If a man can’t see through the herpes then he’s not really someone who cares, etc.” Guys, herpes is not medically serious, but for a subset of people it really adversely affects their life. Someone made a comment saying that it’s not fair to judge someone based on height, ethnicity, hair color, etc, so similarly it’s bad to judge someone based on having herpes. I don’t think people are judging or looking down on others. But look - if I marry someone with brown hair or with different color skin, it doesn’t result in painful sores. Herpes usually is mild or not even significant, but nobody knows how their body will react to it. I understand that it’s easy to rationalize “if he loves me then he won’t care too much about me having it” but I don’t think it’s that simple. It’s not simple because it’s something that affects the other partner for their whole life. I would say DON’T JUDGE someone who considers it a dealbreaker.
George Sep 1st 2008 at 06:00 am 32
I was a virgin (by choice) tll my mid 20’s when i got married. A few years later that went south, and after the divorce was final, on the rebound I started having sex with just about any cute chick I met at the bar. I was the epitome of the male slut… I tried a comdom the first time, but after years of never wearing one, I hated it and was stupid enough to stop wearing them. You’d be surprised how many women out there don’t care, or if you try to wear one, don’t want you to.
Anyways, then I got into a serious relationship, and we both got checked and were both clean. Then after we broke up, i had a one night stand. Eventually me an my ex got back together, and about a week later I told her I had had a one night stand while we were broken up. Well, we both went to the doctor, again, and yup, i got it from the one night stand. So my gf called my one night stand and it turns out the one night stand knew she had herpes and didn’t tell me. (She thought she had been ‘cured’ of it) Yeah, we thought of suing, but it wasn’t worth the time or hassle. So far the absolute worst part of all of this has been that I gave it to someone else, not knowing that I had it. I can only imagine how it would feel to give it to someone knowing I had it. I would never ever risk it now that I know that i have it. My gf felt like she had just become a second class citizen or a leper and it was all my fault. Try imagining how it would feel to tell the person you love as they sit there crying that you gave them herpes! (I reiterate I didn’t know i had it at the time, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it).
Well, now I”m not with my ex anymore (Not because of that, other issues), and am now back into the dating scene, but this time with my new “little friend”
The first outbreak I had was painful as hell, lasted like two weeks and made peeing burn like hell. Now that I’ve learned to deal with the it sin’t so bad. I pop a few valtrex, rub some acyclovir (you can get the creme in mexico for $5 a tube) and it is gone in two to three days tops. As far as having herpes, I could have been a whole lot worse. HIV will kill you, and other stuff like cyphalis will really mess you up if you don’t treat it . To be honest, my getting herpes might have been a good, thing, cause now that I’m single again, I’m not the male whore I was last time I went through a bad breakup. I could have gotten something a lot worse last time, and didn’t. So far I’ve been single for a few months and havent’ met anyone worth more than a one night stand, and thus havent’ had sex since my break up either. And when I do meet someone I’m interested I absolutely plan on telling them before we are intimate that I have it. It is hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to date me after they find out, but the alternative of infecting them and then them finding out the hard way is a whole hell of a lot worse.
hunter Sep 1st 2008 at 10:09 am 33
On post #32,
You started having sex with almost every cute chick you met at the bar?….You lucky dog!…..You must be very good looking………..Seriously, I have only known one woman who admitted having sex with a man that had herpes. She was a RN, and knew he was infected. She said she never caught it. I never tried to find out if she caught it or not….
Anon Sep 1st 2008 at 10:42 am 34
George
You will find an understanding caring soul, who won’t judge you for having herpes. My sis married a guy who had it, and after yrs of marriage she never caught it. If there’s an outbreak, you don’t have sex. You take the Valtrex or whatever to help prevent outbreaks. (Right? I’m not an expert) You don’t use the same towels, etc.
I’m probably judged just as much for being a curvy girl, and having 2 kids at home.
Bella Nov 4th 2008 at 08:53 am 35
As a carrier with no symptoms, I try to be open to whatever reaction I may get when I disclose. Yes I’m on medication and yes I’m honest and upfront. Is it easy? Hell no. Is it uncomfortable and nerve racking? Absolutely. It has never been a dealbreaker and it has never stopped a man from pursuing a relationship with me. I’m sure for someone at some point it won’t be worth the risk and I respect that (although it may hurt and be dissapointing). These are the choices and the realities of dating. The conversation is never easy but it is necessary.
moonsical Nov 5th 2008 at 07:16 am 36
Good lord, what a loaded topic. Of course you MUST tell a potential intimate partner. Of course it is NOT first date material (duh.)
Herpes, to my understanding, is much more serious for women, putting us at greater risk for cervical cancer. I’ve only had one partner (that I know of) with herpes and he DID NOT feel the need to tell me about it, because he had no outbreak at that time. A mutual friend who had gotten herpes from him told me! Nice, huh? Lucky for me (ever vigilant with the condoms, for one thing) I seem to have dodged that bullet.
Wait until the time is right but yes, TELL YOUR PARTNER. ALWAYS.
CB Nov 5th 2008 at 04:42 pm 37
Actually, it’s Chlamydia that puts women at greater risk for cervical cancer. I don’t think Herpes does, but it still is an awful thing to have. By the way, do you use condoms with oral sex, moonsical? I believe it can be passed on that way as well.
I was honest with the guy that I have been dating about having Herpes. At first, he said that he did not care (which was wonderful…), but now we think he might have gotten it on his face. Now, he’s afraid to have any kind of sex with me. I think I am going to have to go on the preventative med, Valtrex. I did not believe it would be that easy to pass on, if I didn’t have an outbreak, but I guess that shedding thing really happens, big time. Ugh!
Cynthia Nov 6th 2008 at 06:33 am 38
CB, it would be nice if you didn’t “correct” someone else’s post without doing your research first. YES, Herpes increases a woman’s risk for cervical cancer. As a first step you can Google it; then it would probably be a good idea to talk to your gynecologist. Here’s a link to get you started: http://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/guide/20061101/herpes-virus-linked-to-cervical-cancer
CB Nov 8th 2008 at 09:06 pm 39
Sorry if I was wrong, but it would be nice if you weren’t so condescending, Cynthia. I have done research and talked with my gynecologist. Also, look more carefully at the 3rd and 5th paragraphs of the article you sent. It actually notes that HPV is what is associated with the increased risk of cervical cancer, while herpes is often an accomplice. Regardless, it sucks to have any of these conditions and I am in agreement with moonsical that partners should respect each other and tell.
The InBetweener Nov 9th 2008 at 01:37 pm 40
I think we would ALL agree, no matter what the outcome or the risk of losing a potential partner, it’s ALWAYS best to inform the partner before hand. (even if it’s RIGHT before)
The worse thing anybody could do, no matter HOW minor a deal you think it is, is to omit that type of information before hand.
I think Kat Wilder nailed it, always give the potential future partner the FACTS and a choice to decide for themselves. It really could be a deal breaker for some people but I think they have a right to decide on whether it is or not, even if you feel you were not given that same right to decide.
Truth 1st Sex Later Nov 10th 2008 at 09:50 pm 41
Hi ALL,
I read all the comments and I’m glad I did before sharing my story with the internet world. I’m 100% negative as of today (3 yearly PAP and Blood Tests) from any STDs but I still think that one day I will eventually get a genital outbreak even though I’ve been sex free since my last relationship.
Here is my story:
I dated someone for several years and prior to dating them I always tested negative for HPV/Genital Warts and any other STDs including HIV (yearly HIV tests and PAP Tests). During our relationship, about 5 yrs into it she was diagnosed with HPV and had visible warts. She went to OBGYN and it was confirmed. She stated that her OBGYN said it is very common that I could be the carrier and didn’t know and have an outbreak yet. I went immediately for testing the following day.
I was 100% negative of all STDs including HIV. I continued dating her for about 6 more months and tried not to have sexual contact with her until I could confirm that she was being unfaithful. It eventually caused problems and we broke it off. I still can’t confirm if she was ever unfaithful during our relationship.
Since our breakup, I have found out that she has had 2 sexual partners (no protection used) and did NOT inform them of her Genital Warts/HPV. I confronted her and she admitted to it. I also threatened to out her which I haven’t as of yet. I feel as though I’m condoning her to continue this behavior and putting others in danger.
I would like to say to Jen:
Please share your STD with all potential partners. You need to do it before sex and it has to be at your comfort level. No one should tell you when or where. Only you will know when it’s the right time. After all this, I would consider dating someone with an STD if they were honest and how they approached me with the news. Btw…men can’t be tested for HPV until an outbreak occurs. So are we ever certain?
Please comment replies are welcome!