I agree that this is the best thing to do if you can do so. I did so as much as possible, and like many of you do, and as Evan suggested, I particularly made the effort if I could see that the gentleman had gone to a lot of trouble to write something “real” and especially if he mentioned specific things from my profile.

I got some very nice thank you notes in return. Some of which I kept because they were so nice. Also got some men who wrote back something rude or tried to convince me why I was wrong, or just took it as encouragement to keep writing.

I have corresponded with enough men now, and gone on enough dates with men of many diverse personalities backgrounds, ages, occupations, etc. that I have a pretty good idea of what types of things don’t work for me. I have read more profiles - really read them, all the way through - than I’d care to openly admit since I know there are times when I spent too much time looking, responding and/or deciding not to … and in a few cases, initiating contact. And also making sure to write a nice note after going out if it was me that didn’t feel enough of a connection.

I can count on two fingers how many men have extended the same courtesy to me after a less than stellar date.

But I don’t believe in “do as you have had DONE to you”. I believe in “do as you would want others to do to/for you”. In some cases, that isn’t prudent if you are dealing with a sexually explicit guy, one who is very angry, or what-have-you. Men come across women who are too grasping, too familiar, seem to be looking for a meal ticket, and any number of other things that might be turnoffs. My bet is that these are the women they might delete without replying if they either heard from them first, or found out these things after meeting.

I am not complaining - being overwhelmed is part of the deal if you are a girl on a dating site and have things in your photo and profile that attract guys. Not just looks ; ) because mine are fine, but not anything I would think anyone would write home about.

I think a lot of PEOPLE, both men and women do cast too wide a net and also, keep looking “for the next best thing to come along” and I think that hurts good people - both men and women - in finding one another and in having a better chance and finding/creating a really good, lasting relationship.

It does seem that the longer you write to, or date, someone when you aren’t honestly feeling it, the more unfair that is to them. I find I start getting angry - not at him, but at myself for continuing something when I know my heart (and/or brain or body) isn’t in it if he is a truly nice guy who just I’m just not into enough to warrant the attention I’m getting. He deserves to have the same (or close to it) interest and attention. Sometimes it sucks doing the right thing - being tactfully honest that it isn’t working for you and he deserves better. But then you can always say something that doesn’t make it about him or would leave him feeling bad.

I also feel really weird writing to a bunch of guys as far as actually corresponding - at one time. Things get too personal with too many people and I can’t help but almost feel like I am cheating or being disingenuous if I am talking to several guys at once.

So sometimes, even if something comes in that you are dying to respond to, but you already have someone you like and who seems to be interested in you that you have already established a rapport with, then you still don’t reply or maybe do, but not with the note you want to send. It sounds like an excuse to say you would love to talk to them, but are currently somewhat involved so can’t or won’t.

Have to give a real chance to whatever, and more importantly WHOMEVER, you already have going to see if something is really there.

I do believe some of the really obnoxious people in the dating world do a number on both men and women and that that too wears people down and makes them tired of trying to reply to many or to write to many.

I’ve even meant to reply sometimes, but wanted to wait until I could really think and write a thoughtful, and well-thought-out reply, and then lost track of time and the day’s date because other things (not people) came up or was in a not so hot place (figuratively) and wanted t be up when I replied.

I do read every email though.

The best is when you get an email from a guy who has emailed you before and it is clear it that he doesn’t remember writing to you before. Or in one case, having already talked to you on the phone and set up a tentative date that he then reneged on and didn’t call back (on Christmas Eve) and then he calls you up six months later. I remembered what his Ex-wife used to call her in-laws, what he did for a living, and what kind of dog he had and the dog’s name (from that phone call) and I immediately recognized him when I saw his screen name. Also received a couple of repeat emails - the SAME exact email - clearly a form letter from same guy within a couple months time.

There are still some of us out there who sincerely appreciate men who take the time to read our profiles and to write something that is clearly meant for us specifically and as such, we get back to them whenever possible. Not a slam on Janet or saying she doesn’t care! You do get a lot of junk mail too though - 20 yrs outside of your age range, Separated when you have made it clear in a polite way that separated is not your thing, or lives in another country, etc. And if we try to be polite and write back to everyone, we might well spend so much time saying no thank you to them that we still don’t get to the good men.

My personal tactic is that I want to make the online dating experience a little kinder for everyone and offer the favor of a reply. If a guy who winks at me is not a match, I click the automated “thanks, but I’m not interested” button. Done! If they’ve written an email, I’ll reply with a short, “thanks but I don’t think we’re a match. Good luck finding your girl–I’m sure she’s out there.” Does it get a little tedious? Sure. But I try to be kind and do more than the bare-minimum of social ettiquette.

I’ve been struggling with this in reverse, trying not to take it personally, but it really doesn’t feel good when guys ignore me. I almost NEVER make the first move of a wink or email, but on the few times I have, I got nada in response. Ouch. And for the record, I’m not trying to date out of my league. It feels bad to be ignored.

This dynamic has me feeling that the smartest thing is to make a policy of never making the first move. It doesn’t seem to work for me. But then it feels equally terrible to be passive, weeding through a million approaches for men, hoping one of them might be a match.

What’s the deal with this? Are women who send a wink or short email considered less attractive? I don’t get it.