Oct31
I’m Not Sure If I Really Want to Be in A Relationship. But I Do. But I Don’t.
Pages: 1 2
Okay, Evan, here goes. I find men and they want to get serious right away, i.e. marriage! I have been divorced for 18 years. I was married for 13. I am alone, my daughter is grown. I love doing my own thing, such as watching a race, rather than doing what HE wants to do. I know it is selfish, but yet I keep them hanging on, hate to let go, and then miss them when they do go!
What is wrong with me? Am I afraid to commit? I don’t want to be alone, but yet I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. I know, I have to give, and I do. But the way I handle this is by just not answering calls. Caller ID was the best thing that ever could have happened to me! I was engaged 3 times and backed out. I did have one serious relationship for 5 years after my divorce and would have married him, but he left me because I was working for a band and going away on weekends. (I did ask him to go also but he worked a lot). It was too much of an experience for me NOT to do it. Now, I find myself pushing them away when they want to be close and wanting them when they do finally start giving up. HELP.
Barb
Barb,
I know a writer who was aimless in his career. He was a hard worker who had a lot going for him, and after years of toiling away in the wrong jobs, was determined to land the right one. A friend hooked him up with a bigwig in the life insurance biz and he decided to give it a shot. A year later, he quit. Took another job in life insurance. Quit. He continues to look for work in sales and yet I see no indication that anything is going to change.
It’s easy to see that this guy should not be selling life insurance. Yet it’s what he knows; it’s what he thinks he wants. It provides security and comfort and structure. The problem is that it’s ill-fitting. He’s trying fit a square peg in a round hole.
So are you.
Based on what little you shared with me, it seems pretty clear that you think you want a relationship, but you don’t actually want one.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Being single is great – if you want to be single. The problem is that you – and lots of people - spend their lives chasing things they don’t want.
In failing to clarify our goals, we create a cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment. As stated in this blog entry, happiness is when your goals and actions are aligned. And if your goal is to be free to do whatever you want, whenever you want, guess what?
You’re going to be pretty damn miserable as part of a couple.
No matter what you’re creating, it helps to have a plan. …
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
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JimmyE Oct 31st 2007 at 01:34 pm 1
btw way evan, where’s the post on shallow men you promised us?
WannaGetMatzoBalled Nov 4th 2007 at 06:29 pm 2
Sorry Evan, I am calling bs on this woman. She is not confused about what she wants; she loves the attention and is stringing men along knowing full well that she does reciprocate their feelings. You should have read her the Riot Act instead of playing along with the ‘damsel-with-so-many-suitors-my-pretty-head-is-spinning-oh-and-maybe-I’m-just-afraid-to-commit’ schtick. Engaged a bunch of times and then weaseling out with Caller ID? Completely selfish behavior all around. So she wants to be alone? Guess what–she’s well on her way there.
downtowngal Nov 5th 2007 at 04:38 am 3
WGMB, seems that Evan is projecting a non-committal guy’s point of view onto this woman. Doesn’t mean she’s doing the right thing…but lots of guys do the same thing that this woman is doing. I agree with you, she’s selfish, and so are a lot of guys who act the way she does.
Kitty Nov 6th 2007 at 09:28 pm 4
I have to agree with Wanna–it sounds like she enjoys whining about how hard it is for her to commit. I think she’d do well to find a guy who has the same attitude as she does and they can be alone together and be just fine.
just saying.. Nov 7th 2007 at 04:10 am 5
…and on that point, I dated a guy once who had the exact same attitude. Kept whining about how lonely he was, ho much he wanted to get married to a nice normal girl, but every time he did he managed to sabotoge the opportunity.
Gabe Jan 18th 2008 at 08:30 am 6
Sometimes the confusion we feel is based on the pressure that we have to conform to what our society dictates us to do.
Beans Mar 24th 2008 at 10:25 am 7
I disagree.
I know how this woman feels.
Society says if you are single especially as a woman you are a misfit. However, for me I dont really want to be alone, but the thought of settling down fills me with dread. I got engaged a couple of years ago and when I thought about getting married, I’d wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe overcome with fear. Ive been proposed to three times since. I meet guys but then do dumb stuff to push them away while at the same time I dont want to be single forever.
mitcat May 13th 2008 at 04:41 pm 8
Hi all I can say is that at 43 I’ve been in relationships and out of them, at the moment out of one and desperate to be in one. but it it always the grass is greener. in a relationship you think the opportunities and possibilities are there, somethings really good could come along. But in a relationship that is not there but there are things that the relationship give you like comfort, companionship and shared history that is important. Do you really want to star a relationship with a man who has no connection with your kids. how complicated is that going to be? At my age it isn’t as simple as we
when we were young. nothing is perfect no man will ever be perfect but can you live with it or not. that is what you have to ask yourself because I hate to tell you but dreams do not mostly exist sorry to be such a cynic but that is how I feel.
Christine Jul 7th 2008 at 07:42 pm 9
I can completely relate to this. As I get older (just turned 40) I really like my life, the flexibility, the freedom, and yes sometimes the autonomy. That being said - I would also love to find a special someone to share it with, someone who makes it better than it already is by being part of my life.
Internet Dating Tips Jul 7th 2008 at 11:26 pm 10
Greener pasture? Maybe. Not knowing what she wants? I don’t think so. I think what this woman wants is the attention from men in a form of marriage proposal. It’s like self-validation for her. She wants to feel desireable. I don’t think she was really interested in any of those men. Perhaps those men were not even remotely attractive to her, yet she enjoys the conquest. Can a woman be what we call a “player” in a relationship? Absolutely! I have noted that a long time ago and even wrote an article about it http://internet-dating-guru.blogspot.com/2008/03/who-plays-games-guys-or-girls.html