Jan14
My Girlfriend Wants to Get More Sexual “Experience” Before Getting Engaged. What Should I Do?
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If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who is five years older than you what they knew at age 27 vs. 22. Then try the same trick with 32 year olds. And 37 year olds. It is SHOCKING how little I knew five years ago when I first started this business. I had never been in love. I had never had my heart broken. I had never contemplated a future with anyone. But what I had done, Chris, is sleep with plenty of people. Which is a surprisingly important thing when you’re contemplating not sleeping with anyone else ever again. Your girlfriend has not had this experience.
For years, young kids got married so that they COULD sleep with each other. They’d get pregnant and since divorce was frowned upon, live a long, unhappy, responsible life with their large families.
Now that we’ve been able to separate sex and marriage, things are different. Women are more highly educated and are expected to develop their own careers. And while there’s still plenty of evidence of a sexual double standard, women are no longer under the illusion that their virginity should be saved for one man after holy matrimony. This is a double edged sword if you’re a guy. Because you should want someone experienced, you should want someone who knows what she likes and doesn’t, and you should want someone who doesn’t wonder what else is out there. Unfortunately, since you’re in such a serious relationship at such a young age, it would be impossible for your girlfriend to have that wisdom.
Because you should want someone experienced, you should want someone who knows what she likes and doesn’t, and you should want someone who doesn’t wonder what else is out there.
So you’ve got a real dilemma on your hands, my young friend. Because I would never tell you to dump a woman you loved to spare yourself the heartbreak. And yet I’d be irresponsible if I said that I thought you were going to have a happy ending.
If she’s determined to sleep with other men, you pretty much have two choices:
Break up with her and hope she comes back after some experimenting
Or allow her to fool around without telling you the details, and hope she hates it.
I think the first one will be hard to do, and the second one will be harder. But no matter what happens, remember, there are a lot of women out there – and you may just find that your girlfriend has done you a great favor by breaking up with you.
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Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
Read More...
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- Is He a Player or a Keeper?
- Does Life Get Duller After Marriage? Do Women?
Amy Jan 14th 2008 at 09:43 am 1
As someone who married her ‘first’ and realized later it was a disadvantage, I think you should let her go sow her oats. What you both have going for you is honesty. She told you she needed to experiment a little. Better she says that now than after you were married. And let’s face it, generally when someone feels that way after marriage, it rarely comes with such an honest disclosure. Perhaps discuss both of you being ‘open’ in terms of sexual experiences, but put a time frame down. At the end of that time you both can re-evaluate where you stand. And of course, promise safe sex in the meantime, and perhaps being tested when the oat sowing is done.
Damie Jan 14th 2008 at 10:07 am 2
I dunno. Maybe it’s because I did my fair share of “sowing” before I finally committed to the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. But for me, I cannot even fathom being sexual with another man because of my love for my future husband. I agree that she needs to go explore if that’s what she really wants to do. I just wouldn’t worry too much about waiting around for her while she does it.
Markus Jan 14th 2008 at 10:39 am 3
Chris,
I’m not trying to be an ass but, you are painting a bulls-eye on your head. If she loved you she would not want to be with anyone else, period. Put her shit on the lawn and set it on fire. Change the locks. Best of luck.
Paul Jan 14th 2008 at 10:42 am 4
Boy it seems to me that if she really loved you, then why would she be thinking of having sex with other men? People who are truely in love with a person don’t think that way. I agree with Damie, that she shouldn’t even be thinking in those terms. I think you are too young to be considering marriage in the first place, but I also think that a women wanting sex from other guys while claiming to be “in love” with you, isn’t mature enough to understand true love - committment, sacrifice, etc. What you most probably have then is just ‘heat’ and not compatibility, which in the end is a lot more important (even than sex). Remember, every divorced couple had great chemistry at first. I also think it says something about a female that wants to go out and have sex with a bunch of guys in the first place - probably not the highest quality person…so the question then becomes is that the kind of person you really want as your future wife?
verbosity Jan 14th 2008 at 11:21 am 5
to Chris,
“Look at actions, not words,” is a phrase I’ve found helpful. Here, at least she’s telling you what her actions are going to be. In effect, she’s telling you she wants to go bang other men. OK, that sounds crass, but go with it.
If monogamy is important to you, then you really have 2 options - (1) Part company now, or (2) part company later, once she’s already been unfaithful. Either one hurts. Guess which one heals faster & better?
Lastly, you also have to consider this - if she’s already telling you she wants to have sex with other guys now, how do you know she hasn’t? As they say, you’d be the last to know. If this option were true I concur with Markus’ sentiments, absent the arson.
In the end your choices are all the same….
Jennifer Jan 14th 2008 at 11:54 am 6
I think you are in a rough position Chris. I think your girlfriend’s position is understandable, and its a testament to her character that she is being completely honest and upfront with you. I don’t have the feeling she wants to go out and bang the whole town, but she’d like to be with at least ONE other man. I may be in the minority, but I don’t think it means she doesn’t love you.
It may mean, though, that she doesn’t love you enough, or the way you want her to. Life is about trade-offs. She’ll have to decide what’s most important to her: gaining experience or risking ruining her relationship with you. I can understand her dilemma, as you can too or you wouldn’t be writing to Evan. I think it’s a tough situation with no easy answer: you just have to learn what you are and aren’t willing to accept and go with that.
Selena Jan 14th 2008 at 01:57 pm 7
She’s telling you she wants to be with other men, to get “experience”, but she doesn’t as yet have anyone in mind? She’s in effect telling you she’s with you until someone else she’s attracted to comes along–she wants to keep you around meanwhile, and perhaps if things don’t work out with the new guy.
Chris, people who are really in love don’t think this way. They certainly don’t PLAN this way. Either breakup with her now, knowing this about her, or wait until she DOES find the new guy and sleeps with him–up to you.
Jill/Twipply Skwood Jan 14th 2008 at 02:52 pm 8
“If this option were true I concur with Markus’ sentiments, absent the arson.”
Well I partially concur with Markus’s sentiments, sort of. I think. But I say DEFINITELY go for the arson!!!
KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m definitely kidding!!!!! I think you sort of leave out WHY she wants to be with other men. Have you talked to her about why it’s so important to her? I think it would make a difference if it was because she wanted to be more experienced so things could be better between the two of you (in which case, I believe they make instructional books for that purpose…) or whether she wanted make sure she you measured up (so to speak) or what…
verbosity Jan 14th 2008 at 02:56 pm 9
I agree with Selena, particularly the 2nd paragraph.
Zach Jan 15th 2008 at 02:02 am 10
I think the main question you need to ask yourself is: When will she decide she’s had enough “experience” to be completely confident and comfortable with getting married? Also, will the answer she gives you be satisfactory (or low) enough for you to still be comfortable with being with her?
There is no other jealousy in the world like the one that will surface when you begin to think of your wife being sexually intimate with another man. If you think oral sex has you in flames, wait until you imagine her and her new lover.
If you are not the jealous type, then by all means keep her around, but understand this: by doing so your basically permitting her to cheat on you. If she was completely in love with you and ready for a permanent commitment her mind wouldn’t be wandering.
It has actually made me a little sick thinking that you would consider keeping her around after she made such a statement, but hey, that’s just my 2 cents.
Zach
Marc Jan 15th 2008 at 03:52 pm 11
If her blowing some guy devastated you, what do you think her having intercourse with 5, 6, or maybe 50 or 60 guys (or whatever number qualifies as “adequate experience”) will do to you? Dump her!
Ron Jan 15th 2008 at 05:26 pm 12
OK, here’s the solution:
Tell her that you will allow her to experience other men, as long as you can supervise.
Sounds to me like this gal wants to have her cake and eat it too (no pun intended). She’s not ready for marriage. You cannot just turn off the spigot like that after you’ve spoken the vows.
I’d dump her like driftwood.
Ron Jan 15th 2008 at 05:42 pm 13
I will say this in defense of the young woman - she probably doesn’t like the thought that Chris has slept with other women. Not that this can be held against Chris, since he did so before he went with her.
But, still, there’s an imbalance there and she might feel a little disadvantaged, perhaps even jealous that she has not had the same experiences.
I don’t want to make the gal out to be a demon or anything. Timing is everything, and it just sounds to me like she needs more time to be single and Chris probably needs to move on.
BTW, it is possible to deeply love someone and allow and even welcome them to have sex with other partners. It’s called an open marriage. I’m personally not in favor of it, but there are some people that can separate sex and love. There are couples that invite strangers into their bedrooms for a threesome (or moresome).
And there are undoubtedly thousands (if not millions) of wives that look the other way when they know their husbands are fooling around on long business trips.
But, I’d advise Chris to move on. Doubt means don’t. Don’t in this case is referring to walking the aisle with the little missy.
Selena Jan 15th 2008 at 08:21 pm 14
Ron,
Maybe she is a bit jealous, or resentful that he has had previous partners and she hasn’t. But I don’t know of anyone who was in love who felt they should go out and get laid to “catch up” before getting married.
I suspect the girl just isn’t ready to marry Chris and the desire for more “experience” is just a cover for any number of reasons. Like not really being in love with him for example.
Ron Jan 15th 2008 at 10:10 pm 15
I will say this about this blog site. Not only does Evan provide good advice, but the contributing commentors here do as well. They are usually spot on.
For all those thinking about writing in their questions, look upon it as free therapy…with a whole panel of therapists. And who says there ain’t no free lunch…
Markus Jan 16th 2008 at 04:45 am 16
Chris,
Make sure to make a trail with the gasoline and then light the trail. You don’t want her pile of crap to singe your hair or burn your eyebrows off or anything. Peace.
Lance Jan 16th 2008 at 08:42 am 17
Evan, I really liked your take on this. Everyone else, esp. the guys, you’re missing the really important stuff.
I totally respect and agree with her decision to get more experience. For her to self-actualize herself as a woman and as a sexual being, I think dating and having several partners is REQUIRED. I not only agree with her decision, but I deeply admire her for opening her eyes and embracing this at a young age. Young men are typically not able to get to this point.
The reason you’re feeling so much jealousy and negative emotion is because you have too much of a sense of OWNERSHIP over her. You don’t own her, just like she doesn’t own you. You don’t own her sexuality or her right to emotions. Release your ownership and allow her to explore what she needs to become a fully realized person. Sex and blowjobs are no big deal. Her giving a blowjob doesn’t make you a lesser man. You should be secure enough in your manhood and your position in life that this shouldn’t affect you. If you’re not, get to that point.
Your best solution, if you’ve got the stones, is for both of you to enter a dating phase where you BOTH see other people…this includes sex. My guess is you could use the experience too. At the same time you would also be cool with each other and see each other. It’s possible after a certain length of time that you’ll get back together and get married, although it might very well not happen. You’ll have to release all feelings of ownership and jealousy for this to be possible.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her wanting what she wants; in fact I think it’s quite normal. I think it’s YOU who needs to sort out his inner game issues. If it’s true love, then you’ll be capable of getting past the sex thing and see each other on the other side. My recommendation is that you both sleep with 10 other partners and then in a year see where you stand. Always use protection and get tested regularly.
verbosity Jan 16th 2008 at 09:10 am 18
Markus,
Don’t you mean kerosene? Lower ignition temperature…
Honey Jan 16th 2008 at 10:14 am 19
I agree with Lance, in a way. I don’t think it’s possible to truly commit to another person unless you’re a) self-actualized and b) know exactly what you want in/from another person. Personally, I don’t think that in your early 20’s you are capable of either of those things. Like Evan says, they are gained through time and experience.
The phenomenon of ownership that Lance talks about is what I call the “pee effect.” As in, when you take your dog on a walk he pees on things to mark them as his territory. If you’re into water sports that’s great–it’s the *metaphorical* pee that I have a HUGE problem with. It doesn’t make the girlfriend a slut to want to have more experience with men; it just makes her young. It doesn’t make the boyfriend “not enough” that she doesn’t want to be exclusive; his interpretation that it does makes HIM young.
Dude, you are not a dog, and she is NOT your territory. Do NOT metaphorically pee on her. If she is not willing/able to give you what you need to be happy in a relationship, then she is *almost* what you want, not what you *actually* want. The difference between almost and actually is, all too often, divorce. Like Lance says, both of you should absolutely date other people. Keep dating each other only if you think it will add more happiness to your life than it will detract from it. Otherwise, decide that almost isn’t enough and move on.
Steve Jan 16th 2008 at 12:28 pm 20
It would be interesting to hear how some of the people who write in for help eventually resolve their problems.
Selena Jan 16th 2008 at 03:50 pm 21
Lance–
What if they didn’t find 10 people they wanted to sleep with in one year? (Or wanted to sleep with them?) I never have. If I did, seems like it would be a rather unhappy year. And what about the feelings of these 10-20 ‘conquests’? You think they’d all feel okay about being just a check off on someone’s list of “getting experience”?
Not to mention if you really wanted to be safe, that would mean going for STD testing at least 10 times in that year. Ugh.
Markus Jan 16th 2008 at 06:32 pm 22
“Self-actualization”. Give me a freaking break. I guess it’s a good thing my parents and grand parents and every other goddamned generation before them were self actualized. She wants out and she’s trying to do it without the risk.
downtowngal Jan 16th 2008 at 06:35 pm 23
Sounds like she’s not ready. Either that or she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
Yeah, it’s nice that she’s being honest but don’t make excuses for her. Chris, your feelings are real, it’s not about having a sense of ‘owenership, it’s having a sense of commitment and feeling hurt.
If the tables were turned and my fiancee said, ‘I love you but I really want to experience being with other women before I commit” I would tell him to take a hike. And I’m sure everyone else on this board would feel the same.
She very well could love you. I suggest breaking up….if it’s meant to be then get back together after a year or two. But until then it doesn’t make sense to have a relationship where one party is dating/sleeping/blowing other people.
Lance Jan 17th 2008 at 04:34 am 24
Reply for Selena…
10 partners was an exaggeration, but even 2-3 would probably do them a world of good. I happen to agree with some of the other comments, she’s lost/losing attraction for him but I ALSO think she needs the experience. That’s legit.
For Chris, if he also dates and has sex with other women, it’ll help him get over his gf and ALSO create a jealousy affect with his ex, with might actually bring her back. I’ve seen this happen plenty of times.
Selena Jan 17th 2008 at 06:52 pm 25
Lance-
I don’t see it as about getting sexual “experience” per se, but rather, “seeing who else is out there” before settling down to marriage. Not an unreasonable thing to do in your early 20’s–as long as you’re not stringing someone who loves you along in the process. Which is what I think this chick is doing to our guy Chris.
Lance Jan 18th 2008 at 08:26 am 26
Selena: I agree with you. I’d really like to see Chris (or anyone who is in Chris’s position) date around if the gf is going to date around, and I’d really like to see him not be devastated by the fact that she’s looking for another experience. He’ll only do that by “getting back in the saddle,” which we all know means additional partners/relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Incidentally, I do believe that you can desire more sexual experience AND be in love with your current partner. IMO those two items can exist at the same time, although you have to be a very mature pair of individuals to handle the relationship permutations that come from it.
Kim Jan 18th 2008 at 10:08 am 27
The one thing I have not heard anyone say to or ask Chris is WHY does she want more experience? Is Chris lame in bed? Has she had a really good orgasm, or several in a row yet? Does the gf have unresolved fantasies that need to be explored? If any of the above are the case, I would suggest couples therapy and a good book on how to really please your woman. I think one of the reasons most women break up with guys after being with them for a while, even if they have strong feelings for them, is that the sex sucks. Let’s face it, men are going to orgasm pretty much every time, but if the woman isn’t being “self-actualized” (to borrow Lance’s phrase) sexually, and many women cannot orgasm unless there is both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, then she IS going to look elsewhere. The key to keeping a woman happy is to make her feel like a queen, both in and out of bed, and that means satisfying her. If you do that Chris, she will be with you forever, and won’t care about any other guys. Indulge her fantasies, get out the massage oil and blindfolds, and give her the orgasm of her life. Trust me … she won’t be able to keep her hands off of you and the other guys will be a distant musing.
Lance Jan 18th 2008 at 11:37 pm 28
Kim, that’s an awesome comment, and something we all sorta skirted around. I was sorta hinting at it with my self-realization thing, but I should have said it straight. Chris, are you mediocre in the bedroom? If your gf isn’t getting off, you’re done for. Hey, most early 20’s guys suck in the sack. They just haven’t been taught what to do.
I have a great ebook recommendation for you that changed my entire perspective about sex. I can’t rave about it enough, and no I’m not a paid affiliate or anything like that. Try Daniel Rose’s Sex God Method. It’s excellent, and will increase your bedroom game tenfold: http://www.sexgodmethod.com/
ebook costs $39, but if you poke around you can download for nothing.
Steve Jan 28th 2008 at 02:30 am 29
It may be heartbreaking now, but dump the bitch. She sounds like a slut and you are worth being with someone much better than her. Someone who you can trust.
Get rid of her and don’t look back.
verbosity Jan 28th 2008 at 02:26 pm 30
Run, Forest! Run!
Mattie Jan 30th 2008 at 10:39 am 31
Kim’s point is great, Chris: buy a copy of the Kama Sutra or similar, and offer to, er, work through the whole book with your girlfriend!
Also Evan puts the matter into pithy proportion - and Lance’s contributions, from a similar standpoint, offer very sensible and helpful solutions.
At least your girlfriend has been completely honest, which has got to be an advantage as it demonstrates respect for both you and herself. Frankly, more power to her for wishing to explore and develop her own sexuality; God knows, nobody can do that for her - just with her (nuance)! This constitutes taking responsibility in my book - and, in this case, doesn’t appear to suggest that your young woman is even remotely sluttish (if she were, believe me, she’d be enthusiastically and energetically transforming herself into the village bike without reference to your finer feelings let alone knowledge!). Which would you rather have: a partner who’s frustrated in bed thanks to her real or perceived inexperience (and either blames you or herself with equally emotionally-disastrous results for your relationship in either instance) OR one who is relaxed about the whole thing, happily familiar with her own needs and how they are best met, and knows how to please a man?
But bear in mind that, while it is certainly possible to feel desire for lots of other people when in a committed relationship as it is also possible to love more than one partner - it is NOT possible to be wildly in love with more than one person at a time! Being in love fixes one exclusively upon the love-object and has a terrific effect on the libido, so maybe this is what is lacking?
If someone’s not ‘wildly in love’ at/near the beginning at your age, then perhaps you both ought to agree to look elsewhere sexually - and definitely live apart. Nothing lost, as you’ve obviously established a good friendship which is a considerable and valuable achievement.
Why not see what happens, while you both separate as lovers and look around - after all, time is very much on your side: what’s the rush? Just don’t play games, or manipulate other partners.
Buy the book, anyway, or take up Lance’s referral - and start working your way through it safely, with new partner(s). At least you’ll have an awful lot of fun before life gets too serious - as it will do, I fear, sooner or later. [Oh, and if you DO buy the KS, you can ignore the section which calls for two yaks, a gallon of yoghourt and a bungee-rope (Ha! Only joking, honest!).]
Now, where did I park my yak …?!
Mattiex
Dee Feb 2nd 2008 at 09:15 pm 32
Chris, I understand your GF’s position sort of. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years. We’ve lived together for 2 of it. We are committed to each other and plan on eventually getting married after grad school and stable jobs and such. He has slept with past girlfriends before me, but he is the only one I have been with ( by choice ). We are in our twenties.
I’ve thought about this situation over and over again. Yes, it does get to me once in a while when I think about the fact that he has been able to experience different things with different people, and that sexually I have only been with him. It isn’t the fact that I was lacking experience but more that we hadn’t gotten the chance to experience the same things. I don’t think he knows that I think about this suject, because if it were an issue I would tell him. You see, I love him with my whole heart and would never do anything to hurt him. If I didn’t love him, I would have left already OR I would’ve tried pulling what your gf tried to pull on you. A relationship is a relationship. If you even have to question this 1) you’re a great guy for thinking about letting your women sleep around ( dumb, but you’d have to be great) and 2) you are going to get hurt because she is going to end up leaving and breaking your heart.
Bottom line: sleeping with other men would have probably benefitted me I guess, but if she really wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of your lives, she would feel the way I feel and would be proud that she’s only been with the man she fell in love with and spending the rest of her life with.
Best of luck-Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.
Dee
hunter Feb 3rd 2008 at 11:25 am 33
to dee,
…sounds like you are married, most women marry from the neck down….men we need a certificate to be married…
fokoyo Feb 12th 2008 at 10:02 am 34
MY GUY IF YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE DOMP THAT ASS SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU IN ANY WERE THERE A LOT OF GIRLS IN THE WORLD SO DUMP DUMP DUMP HER
Kaylie M Feb 17th 2008 at 12:42 pm 35
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We dated for about 2 years before we decided to have sex, the first time for both of us. We are still very much in love and would not even consider having sex with other people just to gain more “experience.” If she really loved you, she wouldn’t want to have sex with anyone else. It seems like she is afraid to be alone. There are plenty of other girls out there, you just need to look. Best of luck to you!
ANA Feb 17th 2008 at 07:51 pm 36
Hi Chris
Well, from a personal experience let me tell you my ex-boyfriend, who in fact I was going to marry until he left me. He is the only man I have ever sleep with I am 21 and I never had the need to sleep with other men or experiment with. But everybody has different ideas, the point is that if she really love you, she would not feel the need to sleep with other men. Real love comes with fulfillment, commitment, faithfulness, and above all respect. I don’t think it means that she doesn’t love you at all, it just means that she is not ready to be completely into you.
Take care
Erik Feb 18th 2008 at 04:36 pm 37
Chris, your girlfriend has lost attraction and interest in you. Move on!
Mike Mar 6th 2008 at 04:16 pm 38
I think if she wants to have sex or do anything else with another man you should just leave her. You are just setting yourself up for a live time of trouble. What if she sleeps with a guy that as a STD or something and you catch then your fuckeT!
sameer Mar 15th 2008 at 07:59 pm 39
i am amresh 20 years old.my girlfriend is pooja whose age is 20 years.
i have kept all the physical relations with her.
but her interest is to keep physical relations with other man and also with me.
so in which way i will tell her dont keep relationship with other man.
now i am under tension.
plz give sugeetion imediately.
skitzo May 5th 2008 at 02:07 pm 40
sadly i wouldn’t know what to say to you hun, since I’m in the same situation, I’m not ready to marry but i do want this girl to make up her mind. i tell her that i feel she’s keeping me around for incase she doesn’t find someone and I’ve been stupid and just blind myself of the truth. she was a virgin when we got together, then she wanted more a relationship with other guys, since thru out high school she didn’t have that. She claims to love me, yet tells me she loves my brother, well a friend that’s been like a brother to me(though not much of one since they’ve kissed while i was around) Luckily i wasn’t sober and didn’t see, but i had my feelings that something had happen.. trust me when i say this isn’t going to end well, your insecurities will kill you inside, if not drive her away. I’ve tried ending it but I’m weak and she wins, always getting me to forget at least for a while well till i see the txt on her phone. there’s no easy way to say this but i think we both need to just let go. not only for our own sake but since you love her I’m sure you don’t want her regretting you being the 1st and the last one she’s with, maybe she wont now but its very possible that later in life she’ll tell you she’s unhappy and that its all your fault for wanting to keep her trapped. or for possibly keeping her from the one that would make her complete, but if you let her go she might just tell you that you’re giving up on the one that truly loves you. We know that it should end, the answer isn’t hard to figure out. What’s hard is admitting to yourself that its really over. We purposely blind ourselves to keep from hurting, feeling like a failure, worthless. Etc. there’s only so much one can keep bottled, eventually that bottle will burst, and you’ll have to deal with it then. The question has never been should you break it of? Its when will you decide enough is enough!?
Kris Jun 5th 2008 at 10:07 pm 41
I can see how she could be afraid of not having the single life experience but in my eyes according to what youre saying you two are married. You have your lives together the only thing is that you aren’t married on paper. What would honestly change when you two got married. probrably nothing you would just maybe decide to have kids but your relationship is at marriage level.
Sahaja Jul 30th 2008 at 12:42 am 42
To all of you guys who have gfs who want more experience or vice versa, please take note of all the ppl commenting above. You can not stop what he/she does, only what you do. If they want to do something outside of the relationship, 1 - there is not saying they havent already and 2 - you are not in the relationship that you want and deserve. And neither of you will be happy in it. So get out now - You can hold up hope they will change their mind, and some do - but the likelihood is not high. I feel like Im restating a lot of what is said - but bottom line - open communication, figure out what you want and WHY , both of you, and if you can not reconcile both, you’re going have to end it and move on and hope for the best. Thats all I can say - you’d save a lot of pain that way.
Kris Sep 6th 2008 at 11:57 am 43
Dude I’m going through the same thing… except I was with the girl 8 years engaged for 1.5 years, then she is to start university and she’s heard all the helpful ‘advice’ from other women who tramped around while in school and it’s causing her to have massive doubts.
I’ll tell you what I went through and you can make your own mind up of what to do buddy but you’re damned if you do and damned if you dont.
Year 6 she had an affair with my friend. It was an emotional affair nothing physical but it was totally traumatic and probably would have gotten physical if I didnt find out. The guy was fat, dorky, married with 2 kids and wife was pregnant, plus he was 16 years older than her (I’m 7 years older than her) so it was an ego-killer.
I worked with her on it and we toughed it out and then a year later we got engaged (hey if you can make it through that you can make it through anything, right?) Well six months of being engaged go great then she starts to get a little ‘off’.
The stupid “experience” crap comes up again with the helpful women in the family, friends. Comes back to haunt us. We work through our issues and both of us are trying like crazy for 16 months, but nothing made her happy, she always found reasons to complain about the life we shared together. None of the complaints really mattered, she would forget about them and each time they would be different.
In the end she packed up her crap and moved out and says she “doesn’t want to committ to a relationship right now”, needs to “figure herself out” and all that bull. She, like your girl, totally loves me and sees herself spending the long years of life together and raising kids and wants to stay friends and kind of have a no strings attached on and off relationship but it’s bull, she obviously wants to take up the advice and try it out with some other men, even though she loves me. Its like she is pushing herself to do it, there’s no other guy in the picture and she’s not even going out trying to meet any.
And because someone asked, yes I can please this woman. I almost always make her come at least 2 or 3 times except maybe when I’m having an off day. My record score with her is 14 times in one session, second record is 9 times which was after we separated. I’m not some adonis we just click.
Honestly your best bet is to put it to her real plain, I just had to do it after 2 months separated and this on and off crap and it’s super duper hard to do but it’s the only option you have. Tell her, you’re with her and she’s with you and there’s no other guys, or she doesn’t get to have you and you’re going to go off and find someone else and live a life without her.
Don’t close the door on her entirely or anything, because there is the odd chance that she may change her mind after a while and come running back, but don’t count on it at all. Actually, live under the assumption that she never, ever, will and it will do you more good than anything, it may actually encourage her to come running back.
But the key is this: don’t be a doormat. Don’t be that guy that she can come and have sex with when she can’t meet someone else to have sex with. Don’t be that guy who will always take her call and always hang around with her when she’s lonely. Don’t be the guy who will help her fix crap. Don’t be the “fallback man” because then she will associate you with feeling guilty and you may never get her love back anyway. You will keep letting both yourself and her enter some half-assed relationship with no committment and feelings of guilt and neediness and each time her “romance clock” will reset back to zero for you.
If she’s ever going to come back to you 110% she needs to feel what it’s like to truly be without you. Sorry bro. See as I was typing out this crap my ex called right now because she needed help with something. Murphy’s law works. Trust me on that one, as counter intuitive as it feels.
Peter Nov 6th 2008 at 10:49 am 44
Nobody can say what to do, but I can share my experience.
After ten years of marriage, my wife asked me permission to have sex with another man, because she wanted to have the experience once in her life. She felt that she had the right to do that, because I have had sex with another woman before our marriage. I did not sleep that night. The next morning I gave her permission because of the following reasons:
- I knew that she would do it anyway.
- I was sure that she would not leave me.
- Thinking of her having sex with another man turned me on.
- I loved her so much that I did not begrudge her the pleasure.
One month later she told me that she had slept with another man on a tour with her choir. Although the sex was very satisfying, she would not do it anymore. We are still happy together.
Cilla Nov 6th 2008 at 01:30 pm 45
Take her to an adult lifestyle resort and let her get her freak on with whomever she pleases. While you watch. If she truly just wants the experience, that will fulfill the requirement.
Derek Nov 13th 2008 at 10:50 am 46
Chris,
Since this you have probably already made your mind up what to do by now and have done it I’ll make my post anyways.
I dont believe that she is necessarily saying she wants to be sexual with another man but more or less that she is unhappy with the sex life the two of you share together. Have you experimented with toys? Are you out of shape? Do you use the same ole same ole sex positions? These I believe are the trully important questions you have for yourself. If you trully gave her all she disired in the bedroom then there is no way she would want another man, regardless of her inexperience with other partners. Those questions I listed abover are a few that you have control of that can make the difference.
Good luck!
patty Dec 20th 2008 at 04:20 am 47
She just wants to get her score even with what you have. Imagin the pain she feels when she thinks of the experiance you have. God she just feels the only way that she can ever feel right about this is if she has sex with someone else too. She doesnt want to. Its you. Its because of your past.
She loves you. And you most definatly please her.
Seductress Within Dec 21st 2008 at 08:45 am 48
She’s telling you that she is not ready for such a serious commitment at her young inexperienced age.
She wants to date other men. She’s using the “excuse” that she wants more sexual experience because it’s convenient. It works because you have had others and she hasn’t.
But I don’t believe a women wants to increase her numbers for the sake of numbers. I believe it goes deeper than the sex issue.
I think she wants the freedom to date/and have sex with other people because she is young and not sure that you are the one.
Maybe she thinks that using the “I need more experience” excuse will hurt you less because then it’s not about you.