I think what EMK conveyed to Sylvia is that by trying a different approach, that will enable her to be more selective. Selective to the point of attracting men who she would like to date.

You have your criteria for a partner as do I. What appeals to me may/not appeal to you (other than the fact that we are members of the same gender).

Presently I am at the in-between dating stage and could sure jump on the bandwagon of going slightly insane. Instead I am convincing myself that this break will help me to further reflect my criteria. Last week I made some significant changes on my profile and the results have been amazing. I have received more emails than ever. And I credit that to actually reading and attempting to learn from what Evan writes.

Jersey, don’t let it get you down. You are the one in control of those who put a reference number in front of a profile/photograph….a person that he does not even know. Furthermore you cannot be everything to everyone. Only a select few and hopefully the select ONE in the not too distant future. Chin up, JG.

What I check is the feature “Who’s viewed me,” since it means a woman actually clicked my profile to read it. Often they will get turned off when they read that I think “Sermon on the mount” is saying not to marry a divorcee’. But at least she looked, and to her, I will send an e-mail.

Regarding this post and the concept of “winks”, I often just “wink” to a girl who has been inactive for a long time just because it’s a time waster to write an email. For example, if someone has been inactive for 3 weeks, I’ll just wink to get their attention. If someone has been active within the last week, I almost always write an email.

And not to brag, but I do pretty well online, and think your advice is generally solid. I could get 2 coffee meetings a day every day of the week if I wanted to. The only problem is scheduling them all in!

When you\’re looking for cheating girlfriend articles and websites, be sure to tap into everyone of the resources available….

I agree- I know that most men who contacted me had not read my profile, or they are in blatant denial of the differences and distinctions that would render them unsuitable and vice versa. On querying, most would admit that the photo is what caught their eye and provoked their desire to seek contact.

Yes, research supports men’s visual preferences in general. More experienced and particular men will look beyond to assess other qualities after that.

For myself and many women- we are attracted by visual appearance too, but I have checked and confirmed that many will be quite considerate and give badly photoed men a chance if they
1. appear at least decently groomed
2. do not come across as psycho killers
3. do not seem too hostile or angry - read dangerous

and especially if they come across intheir profile with qualities or interests that seem attractive to the particular woman

Men-
this is no excuse to continue to post quick and badly taken photos- dark photos with frowns and just back from the bar looks.

If you come across both as attractive, considerate and caring of your own appearance, and have many more redeeming and distinguishing qualities (intelligence- literacy- and humor that is demonstrated) you will for sure stand out!

Confidence and humility-(kind eyes) as shown in your photos and revealed in your words will help.

Speaking of puzzling common behaviour on dating sites, I am often surprised by the dreadful, unflattering, grainy, indistinct photos so many people attach to their profiles, especially women looking for men, since everybody knows that in mate selection, human males are extremely responsive to visual stimuli. Not to say women don’t care about physical appearance in assessing men, but for men it’s even more fundamental and is the starting point for any further exploration of relationship possibility.

In other words, a crappy picture will badly hurt anybody’s chances on a dating site regardless of gender, but for women it’s an utter death knell for their prospects, and in my view spending time to get the best, most attractive possible picture for their profile should be a top priority for women, even though it’s also very important for men. A man might be able to make up for a mediocre picture with exceptional textual content in his profile, but a women’s profile will never even be glanced at if the picture is bad.

There are no doubt evolutionary and cultural reasons for this male visual bias, and it doesn’t mean men are superficial or see women only as sex objects or anything like that. An interesting recent study using eye-tracking technology found that men spend much more time looking at women’s faces than women do looking at men’s faces. Women pay more attention to the body in forming their overall impression of a man’s physical appearance, according to the study.

My impression is that this male visual filter is very much a first-pass system that mainly influences who a man will initiate any form of contact with, or respond to if the woman initiates contact. So if a woman can find and upload a single image showing her face alone in its most flattering aspect, that’s really all she needs to get past this filter. Full-body swimsuit or kinky leather outfit photos in a woman’s profile are of relatively minor importance compared to one good picture showing her face to the best possible advantage. A pretty face is really all a woman needs to get a foot in the door, so to speak, and avoid being eliminated by the male visual filter’s instant and powerful decrees.

That’s my secret tip to women on dating sites — what do you think, Evan, based on your deep experience and learning in the realm of online dating?

Oh, by the way, I am a heterosexual male humanoid myself, and that is the basis of my authority on this question. And in all my comments above, keep in mind that it’s mainly a question of relative priority and the weight given to various factors that differentiates men and women in the matter at hand, rather than any sort of vast quasi-metaphysical divide between the sexes rendering them mutually unfathomable to each other in the “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” kind of way. I personally am convinced that men and women are absolutely and unshakeably Earthlings first and foremost, and much more alike than different, which makes the differences all the more fascinating and compelling.

Another very distinct possibility is that the guys who “wink” or “hotlist” are not paid subscribers and don’t have the ability to write back. About the only thing you can do is to wink back and hotlist them. If they’re really interested, they may actually subscribe.

Working on your profile/pictures is one way to get them really interested.

and many, including Evan, have responded with the same understanding and suggested behaviors I would have.
Mainly don’t take it to personal, yet do evaluate this in terms of your personal preferences.

I have been on and offline for many years and had a chance to observe myself and others in this process.

First of all, if it is not fun, I ‘d recommend not doing it. Dating may be awkward but should not be so painful.

I’d recommend therapy and counseling or coaching to look at one’s own issues around relationships and self-esteem, image, need for approval and approach.

I’d also say that being uncomfortable and awkward and maybe having some fear around the process is normal. Evan and others more experienced (I include myself in this group now) can help provide some guidance.

Think of it as an interesting challenge, like traveling in a foreign land. One get’s more familiar with time and used to the culture.

What I found interesting was hearing about men who experience women who ‘dissappear’ after seeming very eager and engaging in several solicitous email exchanges.

I thought this was more a behavior of men (my experience). I think many get caught up in the immediate, and when one of the scouting options becomes potentially viable- they just drop all the others. I agree it is rude behavior and a quick email or call to let one know that you are pursuing a possiblity is all that is needed.

Sometimes I have said this in as direct a way as possible without rancor, sometimes with humor, because I believe for some it is unconscious and not intended to be malicious. I hope they might learn and not continue this hurtful behavior.

It is true that later, if a situation doesn’t pan out, it is easier to renew the conversation left off if one has been kind and communicative.

When a man has just ‘dissappeared’ and then recontacts me months or years later, I am less likely to be eager or excited. In fact I am downright wary because his behavior has shown lack of consideration. I have at times given this ’suitor’ another chance and then had the exact same thing occur. Rude - ridiculous and potentially hurtful. I don’t let it get to me.

2 strikes and they are for sure out.

Interestingly I see some of these same men cruising continually. They don’t seem so successful and their selfish focus may be one reason. No innder substance may be another.

So I don’t worry about the ‘rejects’ or the rejected and find that being direct, humorous, and yet caring has been a good approach. I can feel I act with integrity.

Many have thanked my for just sending a quick, kind, email reply saying I am not interested and good luck or that I am giving time to see what develops with one man (or more! : ) ).

I think so many could use lessons in communication and etiquette and so Even, Christian Carter, and others have very good advice.

Also, about favoriting… I sometimes favorite profiles I find interesting and amusing even if not actively interested in the particular person. Sometimes I realize dating this person would be impractical. These profiles may help me to discern what I prefer, rethink how I’d express that and I can also later share this with others.

I have learned LOTS about men - or at least how many men like to present and think of themselves.

I also favorite female profiles that I like and have learned lots about women. I have become able to place myself as distinct among them-

This can be a very interesting learning experience and place for research.

Keep an open mind and heart, and if you get tired- take a break!

Good luck,
Alison

All the points are valid, but have you ever considered that perhaps that dream boy is simply not a member of the website, thus making it a) impossible for him to read your great message to him and b) impossible for him to message you to tell you he’s not a member!

Sure, most people on these sites ARE paid members, and you could even say, “Why should i bother with someone not serious enough to become a member?” Well, all I know is that I belonged to a website and never became a paid member, and I’m sure women became very frustrated when I would hot list them and never write, or they’d write me and I wouldn’t write back because I couldn’t read it… But the times that the woman sent me an instant message when I was on, sometimes it incredibly paid off. Don’t put the ball totally in his court… If you are interested in him, send him a direct message if your site allows you to do it without someone being a paid member… I had been a non-paying member, and got an IM from a beautiful girl almost 7 months ago who I am glad took it upon herself, because we’re happily together in love… So take a chance… If it’s one more thing for him to ignore, then you’ll really know he’s not the one