Aug14
Should I Date A Man Who is Still in the Process of Divorce?
<< Previous Pages: 1 2
So, Sara, like most situations that stymie my readers, the answer isn’t as obvious as “dump him” or “go for it”. It depends on the man, the nature of his divorce, his emotional availability, and his ability to get in touch with himself. Very reasonable men want to love again, and are shocked to find out that it’s not possible. On the other hand, you’ve heard tales of men who went seamlessly from one relationship to another without a break. You can listen to all these stories, but they won’t inform YOUR situation.
Here are the three points I’d like you to take away from this blog post:
A person who hides his separation online isn’t necessarily a bad person. He’s doing what’s practical not to scare people off. The relationship might have been dead five years ago, but the paperwork is still pending. That’s not his fault.
A man who says he’s ready to move on isn’t necessarily ready to move on.
You can never know if he is or if he isn’t. After all, he doesn’t even know if he is or if he isn’t.
Because of these contradictions, you have to do a reality check and assess whether a) he’s invested in you as a long-term partner, or b) whether you’re his transitional woman as he segues into single life.
Like knowing when to sleep with a guy, this is about intuition, not hard and fast rules. All you can do is trust your gut and don’t second guess yourself every step of the way. You’re doing the best you can.
And if you want the support of others who have been through the process of dating after divorce, check out DivorceNet.com, a site where I used to moderate an online dating forum.
Good luck.
Pages: 1 2 << previous
Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Online Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
Read More...
- I Still Sleep With My Cheating Ex-Husband
- Best of Evan Marc Katz’s Advice From a Single Dating Expert
- When Do You Begin Dating Again After a Long-Term Relationship or Marriage?
- I’m Not Sure If I Really Want to Be in A Relationship. But I Do. But I Don’t.
- Good News
Nicole Marie Aug 14th 2007 at 12:31 pm 1
Ugh. So not what I totally needed to hear. (ie Thank You) I think I’m switching teams for awhile.
Diamond Aug 25th 2007 at 10:33 am 2
I wish I had read this two weeks ago, it would have saved me from many headaches! It definitely helps going forward!
moving on Sep 3rd 2007 at 03:20 pm 3
I have had an on again/off again with my boyfriend of 11 years. We split 5 months ago and it appears this time it’s for real. I tried dating many times during our break ups, but only had one somewhat serious relationship and that took me 6 years on the roller coaster ride to even get to that. I feel like I have been alone more than I was with my boyfriend all those years and I’ve had a hard time letting anyone back in. I was happily married for about 4 years prior to that. Circumstances beyond my control changed that relationship and I cheated on my husband before leaving the relationship. I really hurt him and wish I had never ended it that way.
I recently started dating a man whom I have known for about 6 years. He and his wife have been physically seperated for 9-10 months and it is a very bitter divorce because it involved infidelity on his part. I could see the marriage falling apart about 2 years ago when he became obviously anxious, depressed, lost alot of weight and just seemed miserable. Having known his wife casually, my take at that time was that she was a high powered executive making all the money and he kind of became a Mr. Mom. It was obvious to me that he felt he had no power or control in the relationship and went from a very robust, happy, outgoing guy to an “emasculinated” shred of the man I knew. He has taken the last 9 months to heal and be with his kids.
He has admitted his infidelity to her and to everyone else and expressed his remorse and shame many, many times. However, he initiated the divorce as he was miserable.
Complicated little situation, but I have been there and done that. However, I have NEVER and would NEVER cheat on someone that I loved and respected and blow a GOOD relationship. It was a cowardly move on my part not to simply walk away, rather than cheat, but it is easier said than done. Perhaps that is why I can relate to and believe in what happened in their marriage.
I do not condone infidelity, even though I was guilty of doing it. I would have done ANYTHING to save my last relationship, but it just kept us in limbo for too many years.
Basically, here are two lonely people who knew and rspected each other prior to the demise of our relationships. We always liked each other, but were only friends.
Am I crazy to even think of continuing this even though it is in an early and casual stage???? Again, I feel like the only reason I don’t think badly of him is because I’ve been there. The “once a cheater always a cheater” does NOT apply to me. I loved my boyfriend and never so much as winked at another man until our first real breakup when I moved out of our home. Our last try lasted almost a year and even though I spent much of it alone, I still did not cheat. I only wanted him.
Advice, comments from anyone??
Collins Sep 30th 2007 at 09:38 pm 4
In the summer of 2006, I went on a date with a woman 10 years my senior (I’m 31 now). After we had dinner she revealed to me that she was separated from her husband but not officially divorced. I gave her the benefit of the doubt until she stood me up for a 2nd date. Then I decided I’d had enough, & now she’s out of my life. The lesson I’ve learned from this is that separation (as opposed to legal divorce) means one foot still in the door. A woman can easily use the “pending divorce” alibi to string me along & make me play 2nd fiddle to some guy I don’t even know. (Some men do this to women also; it goes both ways.) So I’ll make sure that the next gal I date has BOTH feet out of the door.
Dee Oct 30th 2007 at 07:49 am 5
Our marriage was over years ago. We were just waiting for the kids to grow up. Now we can be free, but after years of intwined finances, we can’t just file for divorce online and be done. With the housing market like it is, we can’t sell our joint properties without huge losses. As I restart my career, I don’t yet have a work history to enable me to refinance our homes in my own name. I’m stuck. Capital gains taxes mean that we have to proceed carefully and, sadly, slowly. Does this mean I can’t date?
downtowngal Oct 30th 2007 at 03:19 pm 6
Evan I agree that just because someone is willing to date doesn’t mean he’s ready. I know of lots of women who’ve gotten involved with guys who were separated only to have their hearts broken because these guys just weren’t ready to commit emotionally. For me hearing that a guy is separated is a red flag because I’m looking for something more serious.
A person who hides his separation online may not be a bad person but he’s a liar. Most marriages end before they’re over, but there IS a difference - emotionally and legally - between separation and divorce. If the person’s only separated but looking just to date, then fine, but don’t lie in your profile about your marital status. There is no “almost” divorced like there’s no ‘almost’ pregnant.
Zann Oct 30th 2007 at 08:31 pm 7
Like Evan said, no two people are alike, and no two situations are identical when it comes to the demise of a marriage or other long-term relationship. I was married for 20 years and had what most people would describe as a mature, amicable divorce. I’d seen it coming for several years, had given up begging him to do couples counseling with me, & just sort of went on automatic. Like many women, I wanted to get the kids raised before calling it quits. When my husband told me he’d become involved with another woman & wanted to move out to spend more time with her, well, that kinda brought things to a close. Still, there was little animosity, no drama, and I thought it would be a breeze. But when he physically moved out of the house, it was a very different story. I couldn’t believe how my whole reality seemed to shift, just having his physical presence, his domestic partnership with me, no longer there. A year later we were legally divorced and that was another shock — the finalization. That was 8 years ago, and I have had 3 exclusive relationships of a year or more since then, but I wasn’t ready, even though I swore I was. It wasn’t until about a year ago and a good chunk of time outside a relationship that I felt I was really ready to be an equal partner in a serious relationship….where I finally acknowledged my insecurities, accepted them, forgave myself (85%), and feel I can actually get outside of ME to where I can honestly say I’m available. I have been involved with men who sincerely believe, as I did, that they are ready for a new life, new love, because they “deserve it.” Well, we all deserve it, but that doesn’t mean it’s ready to happen. But a wounded divorced person doesn’t want to hear that. He’s hurting and he wants comfort, and what better comfort than the arms of a centered, solid, together, loving woman who’s NOT his ex-wife. As a woman who has been those “open arms” to a man, I can say that I will do everything I can now to avoid that not-ready man. Even though there’s no hard & fast rule for how long someone should be separated/divorced before seeking a new relationship, there are certain indicators that make my ears perk right up & acknowledge, out there on the horizon, the large red flag that’s waving at me. For me, the primary indicator is if he launches into a diatribe on your first or second date (or maybe even in a pre-date email!) about what a hurtful, cold, low-down, bitch his ex-wife is. Or she was too controlling, or she took him to the cleaners, or she wrecked his family, OR — and this is a real teller — he never saw it coming. Sorry, the man is still “reeling,” as Evan says. So, it’s not necessarily the length of time since his divorce, but what he has to say about it. I recently had coffee, a first meeting, with a man I’d met online, and when I asked him, “So, how long were you married?” his answer was “too long!” Haha. I chalked that one up to nervousness. So then I tried, “Well, how long have you been divorced?” “Not long enough!” Haha again. “Check please!”
Gail Nov 15th 2007 at 04:52 pm 8
Hi Evan,
I could swear you’ve been hiding in my closet. What you describe is weirdly similar to something I’ve been going through. I’m a 49 year women who’s never been married but has had some significant relationships in my life. Enough to know what I’m looking for in a man and in a relationship.
When I met Brian he said he was divorced, but legally he was separated. It’s been my experience that once the women files for divorce (she left him for another man), the man considers himself divorced. But that doesn’t mean he’s ready for a relationship.
So I fell into the classic “He thinks he’s ready for a relationship but hasn’t figured out he’s not”. We had a marvelous 2 ½ months together before he disappeared into the “I need time to think” mode leading to minimal email contact ending in no email contact.
Five months later he reappears stating that he’s slain his personal dragons and wants to try again indicating a long-term relationship. He took full responsibility for his actions. Of course our timing is off when a close family member of his dies before we can have our second 1st date. Suffice it to say we did have our second first date a few weeks later, with total understanding on my part for the time lag.
The date went well, although in hind sight, I wished we spent less time making out and more time talking. We ended the date with him saying he’d call about which night to go out the following weekend. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been about 10 days. I know short time, but perhaps indicative (after reading your other postings).
Perhaps even now he’s not ready, perhaps he’s still grieving for his recent loss, perhaps he should at least call to say these things. Perhaps I’m asking too much.
In the mean time, I’m trying to stay balanced, and prepare myself to let go of him and move on. Even though I thought I had finally met my near perfect match. Surely there’s another one out there.
peggy rush May 15th 2008 at 09:50 am 9
WOW this is so scarey to here becauce i’m waiting for him(wes) to figure things out.. I pray its not over and i no everyone and every relationship is diff.. I felt and (so did he) that we are perfect for each other.We enjoy each other company so much laugh together enjoy doing things like laundry and grocery shopping and we have so much fun with this.
His been away from his wife for nine years and goin thru devorce for almost two years and the end is coming..By the way it was a 36 year marrage and things have been wonderful he’s so good to me in every way and now thet he’s weeks from he final ending of this marriage he came to me and says he dosn’t trust himself???? what dose this mean and i love him so much afraid to find out.. I no he needs space i have no problem with this he needs to greave the death of the marriage but now i feel my life with him is ending..I have NEVER enjoyed someone as much as him and by reading these other storys/blogs i fear this is the end.. We live next to each other and its come to texting and emails becauce he no’s how painful this is for me and i just don’t no what to do..
I wish there were a book that would tell me wat to do..I’m 52 and he’s 53 and at our age this whole dating thing is just not easy..
I wish someone could help me and i PRAY that months down the road i can tell someone to hang in and give them there space but i’m not sure thats what i need to do.. I don’t want to hurt and wait for someone thats not going to be ava to me again.
HELP if you can.. My family loves me and can’t be abjective becauce they want to pertect me.Need advice or just encouraging word or just truth….Sorry for some spelling not my best subject and no spell ck on the comment area
Michele May 18th 2008 at 07:00 pm 10
Very true that emotionally a divorce can be dreadful and I do concur with EMK that individuals tender their feelings in different ways….countless variables to consider.
An honest assessment (REAL REALITY CHECK) is the only way to determine when a/o if one is prepared to enter singlehood again. Prepared in a manner so as not to hurt others or her/himself.
Since most of those who have replied to Sara’s dilemma are members of the female gender, my humble agreement is on point with EMK. Put all aside and listen to your gut. Took me a lot of “practice” dates to reach the point of being able to trust my gut. And I still slip up every so often. It’s simply a human thing and I do feel that continued practice might just make it perfect (one day).
Sigh May 19th 2008 at 01:19 am 11
Evan - I think you hit the nail right on the head. I have been separated for 21 months now…living separate lives in different states. I have filed for divorce months ago. But legal technicalities, like my ex currently being out of the country, has left me in a legal bind, so the divorce continues to be pending. He has moved on about a year ago and started dating other people (but choosing not to tell them about the marriage/divorce issue). I needed some “me” time, so I went date-free for about a year and a half since the separate, and I started dating about 3 months ago. I choose to tell the guys that I date either before or no later than on the 1st date.
But the reaction have been mixed. I’ve gotten anything from:
1) “That’s okay, I still want to date you,” but then they never even ask about the circumstances surrounding the divorce. That, IMHO, is a very bad sign. I think it shows that the guy is maybe a little emotionally too desperate and may have some self-esteem issues. What if the girl is an emotional wreck? What if she just filed for divorce like a week ago? What if she hasn’t even filed, but thinks she separated because her guy cheated on her? Or it could be she has been separated years ago. Filed divorce a long time ago, and for whatever technical reasons (money, kids, legal technicalities, etc), the judge just hasn’t finalized it. It could be any of those, so you’re taking a chance by not asking questions.
2) “I like you, but I’m not comfortable dating you in your situation.” And never ask about the circumstances surrounding the divorce. This is also bad. What YOU think my situation is, could be completely different than what my situation REALLY is. For example, what are you concerned about? That they have one foot in the door? What if that’s not the case? What if it’s like me where BOTH people want to move on, but it’s now a legal issue and not an emotional one? Again, another unformed decision. Maybe this guy has the pick of the lot, so he doesn’t have to “deal” with women going through a divorce. But, IMHO, he might be missing out on a really great girl who is emotionally available and ready to date again.
3) “I like you, but let’s talk about your divorce.” Now, ideally ALL guys would choose this option. Find out about their exact situation and make an informed decision and go from there. If you just take the time to ask and find out what’s going on, most people will tell you honestly and openly. “Oh, I just got separated a couple months ago and I haven’t really filed any papers yet.” Might be red flag. Or it could be “Well, the divorce is pretty drama-free. We both agree on the divorce and have pretty much hammered out a neutral settlement. I filed the papers a few months ago and it’s just pending a judge’s signature now, but that could take a few more months. Here is the name and number of my divorce attorney just in case you want verification.”
I mean, your answers can run the gammut, but until you get this answer, I don’t believe you should jump to any conclusions either way.
No one situation is the same, and it’s your job to do your homework. You don’t want to end up dating someone who isn’t emotionally available. But you also don’t want to end up losing a great person just because you might *think* all people going through a divorce are emotionally unavailable either. It’s up to you to find out about the exact person YOU are dating and their divorce situation.
Michelle Dec 24th 2008 at 11:50 am 12
I’m going to reply as the wife. My husband and I have been separated for over a year and we both use that papers excuse for why it’s not final. But truth be told it’s not because we don’t want it to be. He has a girlfriend 10 years his junior also. He still tells me he loves me and right now we are talking about getting back together. I have always come first. I have been in the same room with her and he won’t even introduce her to me. Noone in his family knows about her especially not his mother. Those two things alone should let her know how important she is to him in real life, not just the bedroom. The reason is because she’s not who he really wants to be with. We have 11 years together, children together and we have too much history together to let a short fling keep us from being together if we’re still in love. I feel bad for her but my family comes first. I know that if I was single I wouldn’t set myself for emotional heartbreak by being with a married… oops separated man.