As seen on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate:

The question posed to the panel: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

My answer: 

Sometimes it’s great to be the only guy on the panel.

This is not one of those times.

Because I have to admit, there’s definitely some hypocrisy being exhibited by men here.

We get annoyed when you expect us to read your mind, and we get pissed off when you ask us what we’re thinking. What’s a woman to do? Aren’t relationships all about communication?

Yes. Yes, they are. Which is why one of woman’s greatest challenges is to figure out how to talk to her guy.

A man could nail his foot to the floor when building a deck, or drive two hours off course before he asks for directions, but he’s usually going to do things his way, dammit! This general obstinacy and cluelessness is difficult to contend with if you’re his partner. Because while you’re just asking, “Um, where are we going?”, he’s hearing, “Stop telling me what to do!”

This leaves communicative women in quite a quandary. You want to feel connected; he just wants to be left alone until he’s ready to speak. Problem is that you’re not going to get a guy to speak until he’s ready to speak.

Which is why “What are you thinking right now?” is the worst of all questions. There’s no subtlety, no nuance, no attempt at even engaging him in a related topic to get him to open up.

As Linda Holmes, my co-author in “Why You’re Still Single”, makes an excellent point in a chapter called “My Ear Is Numb”. “Emotionally substantive conversations with men,” she said, “work best as low-pressure, straightforward, not necessarily linear events…While you have the right to ask a guy to sit down and have a conversation on your terms, you should also be willing to talk the way guys often talk with each other; that is, while doing other things.” She suggests that Nintendo and backyard hoops were both invented so that men could talk about their feelings. I would have to agree.

Put another way: A man can’t just go up to a woman and ask her to have sex. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to have sex; it’s that the approach is blunt and ungainly. The same issue arises with a direct question like “What are you thinking?” Women need to time to warm up in bed, men need time to warm up to discuss their innermost thoughts.

Approach your relationship discussions with subtlety and stealth, and you might both get what you want.
 

For a few smart women’s takes on this very same question, please click here:

Dear Evan,

What do you do when you hit it off with someone in an email correspondence and in phone conversations, and then when you meet you find them unattractive? It’s not the kind of thing you can just come out and say, “I didn’t feel the chemistry,” because it means you didn’t like how they look. It’s clear that’s the reason. Some photos are just not how people really look, and while I don’t think they are misrepresenting themselves, it creates a problem. Especially since before meeting they think you think they’re great.  What do you suggest?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Your question reminded me of a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Blow Off Thee?”

How do I blow off thee? Let me count the ways.
I blow off thee for weight and height.
For claims of age that don’t seem right.
For lack of chemistry and failure to praise.
I blow off thee any number of ways.
For photos proffered and deleted on sight.
For writing clichés, so hackneyed and trite.
I blow off thee quickly, at a wrong turn of phrase.
I blow off thee quietly, never meeting your gaze.
By hiding after saying, “I’ll talk to you soon”.
By calling during thy lunch break at noon.
I blow off thee after our very first date.
‘Fore your habits on my nerves ever should grate.
I blow off thee to show you who’s boss.
Then why do I sense it is I that has lost?

Yeah, it’s a little melancholy, but all the great poets of the 1800’s had a light case of the blues, as well. 

Oh, wait, you had a question. And I’m supposed to have an answer. Let me get out of poetry mode for a second.

Okay, I’m back. And I will resist all impulses to write my response to in iambic pentameter.

So, in response to your query about how to tell someone that it’s the lack of chemistry that’s the reason for blowing someone off, how about this novel idea: How about you don’t say anything? How about not hashing out the whys and the hows after only one date? How about not having a terribly uncomfortable and unnecessary conversation? How about writing a quick email that says, “I had a fun time last night, but didn’t feel that necessary ‘click’ to move things forward. You seem like a great catch, though, and I wish you the best of luck in your search.” That’s not too harsh, is it?…

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I met a nice guy recently online. We are both out of state and decided to meet. We spent a great weekend together and emailed each other after the weekend. He confirmed that he had a great weekend and wanted to visit me. He also mentioned that he wasn’t sure what the future will hold as it would be good to continue to get to know each other. But here’s the thing: he actually has not called since; just emailed. I’m not sure what to think. He’s often busy, but could he be that busy not to call to check in, or maybe the weekend was not that good and he was just being polite in saying he had a great weekend.

Marcie

Dear Marcie,

Hate to break it to you, but…

You’re the out of town girl.

You’re the woman who is out of sight and out of mind.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

In other words, you’re the perfect woman.

Once again, I speak from experience.

Years ago, when I was working in customer care at JDate (yes, I come from humble origins), I started flirting with a girl who called up to ask some technical question. She was in New York, I was in Los Angeles. We emailed back and forth a few times. We sent a few photos back and forth. We started talking on the phone regularly. Next came phone sex. Next thing you know, she’s flying out to see me.

We had a whirlwind weekend. Beach walks in Venice, shopping on Melrose, long drives on Mulholland, romantic restaurants in Hollywood. It was like a vacation romance. Lots of chemistry, nothing at stake, two young people who can’t keep their hands off each other for 48 hours.

When she got back home, she wanted to continue to talk every day. …

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Evan,

About once or twice a year, I find myself in the position of coaching a female friend through the disappointment of a failed relationship that we all knew was coming. The reason we all knew it was coming? He’d unequivocally stated from the very beginning: “I’m not ready for a commitment at this point in my life. I’m too busy with work/school/exploring my bachelorhood/getting over my ex”. For whatever reason, I repeatedly see my women friends accepting the man’s terms and pretending they’re ok with the arrangement. While they’re in the happy stage of the relationship, they declare with satisfaction: "we’re having so much fun" or "he brings out this new, exciting side of me" or “he’s so affectionate” or “he wants to do something every weekend with me”. (I think, in their minds, they’re seeing this as evidence of an emerging commitment.)

Then, inevitably, the whole pretty illusion shatters when the guy is asked to perform one of the actions that signify a serious relationship. He may shrink from the invitation to a family gathering. He doesn’t want to sign up for a 6-week course in ballroom dancing. He wants a weekend to himself. He’s taking another “friend” to a wedding. He didn’t feel obligated to disclose that his ex-girlfriend was staying at his apartment.

It breaks my heart to see my friends so distraught when they receive one of these wake-up calls. It always comes as a shock to them, and it kills me to hear them agonizing over all the little things that had previously made them so certain that the man was falling head-over-heels:

    “But he’d said I was like no woman he’d met before….”

    “Just two days ago, he’d brought me flowers…”

    “He told me all these things he wanted to do with me…”

    “He’d said ‘casual relationship’, but I didn’t think there’d be other women involved…”

To console them, I find myself using the same explanations over and over again… that men are famously skilled at compartmentalizing - especially sex from emotion. That sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. That plans expressed as “we should one day do this…” were not promises set in stone. I’m surprised that, as sorry as I feel for my friends, I hear myself defending the man much of the time.

Evan, I’d love to hear you riff on this pattern of behavior. Why does it happen over and over again? What can women do to avoid getting into these predicaments? What culpabilities do men have to the women in these scenarios? What else can we say to our women friends when they’re licking their wounds?

Thank you from a loyal reader,

Christa

Dear Christa,

A wonderful letter, and a perfect opportunity to riff on the most common mistake that women make in dating. Failure to understand the hollowness of man-speak is the basis for “He’s Just Not That Into You” and 1000 other books. But since I don’t think most of the books go far enough in actually getting women to change their behavioral patterns, let’s do that today.

Last week, I published a piece on Yahoo.com entitled Ten Classic Online Dating Mistakes That Women Make. It was a compilation of some of the savviest advice I’ve ever given to my private coaching clients. Honestly, it probably took me longer to put together that list than it did to write my second book. What I especially liked about the list was that the pieces of advice at the top were the biggest “Aha” moments as chosen by women themselves. My hope was that readers would glance at that list and say, “Really? That’s a mistake?! I had no idea. I’ve been doing that my entire life, and, well, now that you mention it, it hasn’t been working. Hmm, I never saw it that way before.”

This, of course, is not how it played out.

The first mistake on my list touches exactly on your point, Christa, about men’s ability to compartmentalize:…

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Dear Evan,

Is it my imagination, or are women, generally speaking, much more likely than men to expect some sort of lightning or magic on a first date for them to consider going on a 2nd date? I’m not talking about chemistry, which everyone wants, but some sort of overwhelming emotional response that causes “butterflies,” etc

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard women say that they had a nice first date with so and so, but there were no butterflies, no shooting stars, and therefore they have turned down a request for a 2nd date. Yes, there was chemistry, but no visceral reaction.

I find this a bit difficult to comprehend, because I personally never expect to see shooting stars on a first date. And if I do see stars on a first date, I push them aside because experience has taught me that in most cases those stars were just a temporary thing and my first impression of a woman from just one date is always incomplete. I mean, a first date is not the real world, it’s not the way people usually are most of the time. If nothing else, both parties are usually a bit nervous and on their best behavior, so you don’t get to know the real them. (I start feeling butterflies after a few dates, when I get a more complete picture of the woman, and I like the picture that is emerging.

Anyway, is my take on this whole thing wrong? Are men, generally speaking, also expecting lightning from the first date in order to consider a second date? Or, on the other hand, are women generally more rational about this than the impression of them that I have?

Roger

Dear Roger,

First of all, thanks for writing such a thoughtful and articulate question. Your insight about “shooting stars” being temporary is a priceless one, and we’re going to get back to that shortly. But as to whether women are more rational than you’re giving them credit for, the answer is yes

Despite your very mature view about how one date is only a glimpse of the whole person, what your question misses is a broader perspective on “how women are”. Instead, it’s only reflected through your views, your experiences, and your eyes. You go out with a bunch of women, they tell you that they didn’t feel the “click” or the “chemistry”, and you determine that women are looking for magic on the first date. This is a logical conclusion, except for one thing: you’re not going out with any men. And men, in my experience, do the exact same thing and more.

True, women dissect men on dates like frogs in ninth grade labs. From how he talks to the waiter, to whether he tucks in his shirt, to how quickly he reaches for the check, the details are generally quite important to women. (As always, I’m generalizing here, so cut me some slack). As for men, our needs are a little simpler when we determine if we want a second date. As I see it, there are only two main criteria: 1) Did I have fun with her? And 2) Is she attractive enough to sleep with? As to how she dresses or whether she’s late or talks with her mouth full…yeah, we notice, but we’ll pretty much forgive such things if she’s both cool and sexy. SO……

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Was at Coachella Music Festival this past weekend. Catching up on work before my big vacation with the girlfriend. Will try to crank out some more blog posts before I go. But first…

Check out Chemistry.com’s Blog, “The Great Mate Debate”. Sorta catchy title. But what makes it really worthwhile is that they sought out the opinions of five relationship experts not named Evan:

Helen Fisher, the mastermind behind Chemistry.com
Dan Savage, the superstar sex advice columnist
Wendy Shalit, who calls herself the Modesty Maverick
Ed Young, pastor and founder of Ed Young TV
and Greg and Amiira Behrendt of He’s Just Not That Into fame

It will probably come as little surprise as to which of these pundits have a similar take as I do. Actually, I take that back. I think most of them give really sound, commonsense advice, although some are a little funnier/blunter than others.

Check it out and decide for yourself.

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