Dear Evan,

I have been dating a man for nearly three months now and in the beginning everything was fine between us. He used to do things with me, but I was wondering why he never introduced me to his friends or why he never wanted to come over my house. After 1 1/2 months I realized that he started to change. He didn’t call me anymore and he started to see me less. I once broke up with him for a week, but we got back together again and now he has even less time for me. He doesn’t answer his phone automatically anymore when I call or he keeps it turned off. I’ve become real frustrated and mad with him. Now I haven’t talked to him for a couple of days to see if he would call me, but he doesn’t and I still see that he is online at a dating site. When I met him he was overweight, but started to lose so much weight. Now I have the feeling that he is not serious with our relationship and still wants to see and meet other women. Please tell me what to do.

Thanks,

Ingrid

Thank you, Ingrid, for the cringe-worthy email of the week.

Let’s quickly recap:

• 3 month relationship. Half of it, he’s been acting different.
• You broke up with him because he wasn’t seeing you enough.
• Now that you’re together again, he’s seeing you less.
• He doesn’t return calls. He doesn’t initiate calls.
• Has lost weight and is dating other women online.

And you need me to tell you what to do?

How about I refer you here?

And here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

See, Ingrid, you’re not wrong for being confused or feeling frustrated at this guy. But from where I sit, your issue is not that unique. In fact, it’s the most popular question I get from readers.

“I really like him, but he doesn’t commit to me/call me/treat me well. What do I do?”

So instead of saying “He’s just not that into you” for the 400^th time, I want to use your letter to illustrate a favorite concept that I discuss with my private dating coaching clients.

It’s called “mirroring”.

Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

If he calls you, call him back….

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As seen on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate:

The question posed to the panel: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

My answer: 

Sometimes it’s great to be the only guy on the panel.

This is not one of those times.

Because I have to admit, there’s definitely some hypocrisy being exhibited by men here.

We get annoyed when you expect us to read your mind, and we get pissed off when you ask us what we’re thinking. What’s a woman to do? Aren’t relationships all about communication?

Yes. Yes, they are. Which is why one of woman’s greatest challenges is to figure out how to talk to her guy.

A man could nail his foot to the floor when building a deck, or drive two hours off course before he asks for directions, but he’s usually going to do things his way, dammit! This general obstinacy and cluelessness is difficult to contend with if you’re his partner. Because while you’re just asking, “Um, where are we going?”, he’s hearing, “Stop telling me what to do!”

This leaves communicative women in quite a quandary. You want to feel connected; he just wants to be left alone until he’s ready to speak. Problem is that you’re not going to get a guy to speak until he’s ready to speak.

Which is why “What are you thinking right now?” is the worst of all questions. There’s no subtlety, no nuance, no attempt at even engaging him in a related topic to get him to open up.

As Linda Holmes, my co-author in “Why You’re Still Single”, makes an excellent point in a chapter called “My Ear Is Numb”. “Emotionally substantive conversations with men,” she said, “work best as low-pressure, straightforward, not necessarily linear events…While you have the right to ask a guy to sit down and have a conversation on your terms, you should also be willing to talk the way guys often talk with each other; that is, while doing other things.” She suggests that Nintendo and backyard hoops were both invented so that men could talk about their feelings. I would have to agree.

Put another way: A man can’t just go up to a woman and ask her to have sex. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to have sex; it’s that the approach is blunt and ungainly. The same issue arises with a direct question like “What are you thinking?” Women need to time to warm up in bed, men need time to warm up to discuss their innermost thoughts.

Approach your relationship discussions with subtlety and stealth, and you might both get what you want.
 

For a few smart women’s takes on this very same question, please click here:

Dear Evan,

What do you do when you hit it off with someone in an email correspondence and in phone conversations, and then when you meet you find them unattractive? It’s not the kind of thing you can just come out and say, “I didn’t feel the chemistry,” because it means you didn’t like how they look. It’s clear that’s the reason. Some photos are just not how people really look, and while I don’t think they are misrepresenting themselves, it creates a problem. Especially since before meeting they think you think they’re great.  What do you suggest?

Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Your question reminded me of a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, entitled “How Do I Blow Off Thee?”

How do I blow off thee? Let me count the ways.
I blow off thee for weight and height.
For claims of age that don’t seem right.
For lack of chemistry and failure to praise.
I blow off thee any number of ways.
For photos proffered and deleted on sight.
For writing clichés, so hackneyed and trite.
I blow off thee quickly, at a wrong turn of phrase.
I blow off thee quietly, never meeting your gaze.
By hiding after saying, “I’ll talk to you soon”.
By calling during thy lunch break at noon.
I blow off thee after our very first date.
‘Fore your habits on my nerves ever should grate.
I blow off thee to show you who’s boss.
Then why do I sense it is I that has lost?

Yeah, it’s a little melancholy, but all the great poets of the 1800’s had a light case of the blues, as well. 

Oh, wait, you had a question. And I’m supposed to have an answer. Let me get out of poetry mode for a second.

Okay, I’m back. And I will resist all impulses to write my response to in iambic pentameter.

So, in response to your query about how to tell someone that it’s the lack of chemistry that’s the reason for blowing someone off, how about this novel idea: How about you don’t say anything? How about not hashing out the whys and the hows after only one date? How about not having a terribly uncomfortable and unnecessary conversation? How about writing a quick email that says, “I had a fun time last night, but didn’t feel that necessary ‘click’ to move things forward. You seem like a great catch, though, and I wish you the best of luck in your search.” That’s not too harsh, is it?…

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I met a nice guy recently online. We are both out of state and decided to meet. We spent a great weekend together and emailed each other after the weekend. He confirmed that he had a great weekend and wanted to visit me. He also mentioned that he wasn’t sure what the future will hold as it would be good to continue to get to know each other. But here’s the thing: he actually has not called since; just emailed. I’m not sure what to think. He’s often busy, but could he be that busy not to call to check in, or maybe the weekend was not that good and he was just being polite in saying he had a great weekend.

Marcie

Dear Marcie,

Hate to break it to you, but…

You’re the out of town girl.

You’re the woman who is out of sight and out of mind.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

In other words, you’re the perfect woman.

Once again, I speak from experience.

Years ago, when I was working in customer care at JDate (yes, I come from humble origins), I started flirting with a girl who called up to ask some technical question. She was in New York, I was in Los Angeles. We emailed back and forth a few times. We sent a few photos back and forth. We started talking on the phone regularly. Next came phone sex. Next thing you know, she’s flying out to see me.

We had a whirlwind weekend. Beach walks in Venice, shopping on Melrose, long drives on Mulholland, romantic restaurants in Hollywood. It was like a vacation romance. Lots of chemistry, nothing at stake, two young people who can’t keep their hands off each other for 48 hours.

When she got back home, she wanted to continue to talk every day. …

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Evan,

About once or twice a year, I find myself in the position of coaching a female friend through the disappointment of a failed relationship that we all knew was coming. The reason we all knew it was coming? He’d unequivocally stated from the very beginning: “I’m not ready for a commitment at this point in my life. I’m too busy with work/school/exploring my bachelorhood/getting over my ex”. For whatever reason, I repeatedly see my women friends accepting the man’s terms and pretending they’re ok with the arrangement. While they’re in the happy stage of the relationship, they declare with satisfaction: "we’re having so much fun" or "he brings out this new, exciting side of me" or “he’s so affectionate” or “he wants to do something every weekend with me”. (I think, in their minds, they’re seeing this as evidence of an emerging commitment.)

Then, inevitably, the whole pretty illusion shatters when the guy is asked to perform one of the actions that signify a serious relationship. He may shrink from the invitation to a family gathering. He doesn’t want to sign up for a 6-week course in ballroom dancing. He wants a weekend to himself. He’s taking another “friend” to a wedding. He didn’t feel obligated to disclose that his ex-girlfriend was staying at his apartment.

It breaks my heart to see my friends so distraught when they receive one of these wake-up calls. It always comes as a shock to them, and it kills me to hear them agonizing over all the little things that had previously made them so certain that the man was falling head-over-heels:

    “But he’d said I was like no woman he’d met before….”

    “Just two days ago, he’d brought me flowers…”

    “He told me all these things he wanted to do with me…”

    “He’d said ‘casual relationship’, but I didn’t think there’d be other women involved…”

To console them, I find myself using the same explanations over and over again… that men are famously skilled at compartmentalizing - especially sex from emotion. That sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. That plans expressed as “we should one day do this…” were not promises set in stone. I’m surprised that, as sorry as I feel for my friends, I hear myself defending the man much of the time.

Evan, I’d love to hear you riff on this pattern of behavior. Why does it happen over and over again? What can women do to avoid getting into these predicaments? What culpabilities do men have to the women in these scenarios? What else can we say to our women friends when they’re licking their wounds?

Thank you from a loyal reader,

Christa

Dear Christa,

A wonderful letter, and a perfect opportunity to riff on the most common mistake that women make in dating. Failure to understand the hollowness of man-speak is the basis for “He’s Just Not That Into You” and 1000 other books. But since I don’t think most of the books go far enough in actually getting women to change their behavioral patterns, let’s do that today.

Last week, I published a piece on Yahoo.com entitled Ten Classic Online Dating Mistakes That Women Make. It was a compilation of some of the savviest advice I’ve ever given to my private coaching clients. Honestly, it probably took me longer to put together that list than it did to write my second book. What I especially liked about the list was that the pieces of advice at the top were the biggest “Aha” moments as chosen by women themselves. My hope was that readers would glance at that list and say, “Really? That’s a mistake?! I had no idea. I’ve been doing that my entire life, and, well, now that you mention it, it hasn’t been working. Hmm, I never saw it that way before.”

This, of course, is not how it played out.

The first mistake on my list touches exactly on your point, Christa, about men’s ability to compartmentalize:…

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Hi Evan,

This guy I had been talking to for the past couple of weeks called me last weekend. That day we agreed to go out that night. We planned to go out at 5:00. He left me a voice message around 3:00 saying that he was not going to make it at 5:00 and could he call me later. He has a heavy Dominican Republic accent so I couldn’t understand the whole message.  I don’t have is phone number but I do have is email address so, I emailed him saying I couldn’t really understand it. I waited for him to call for a couple of hours then I went out. He didn’t call me until 8:00. He left another message saying “I said could we make it later”. I didn’t call him back. He is one of my vendors where I work so I see him just about everyday. I saw him that Monday and he never brought up that night. I saw him on that Tuesday and again he didn’t bring it up. I also saw him on Wednesday. Wednesday night he called me.

I didn’t answer the phone he just said that he would see me tomorrow.  My question is: should I give him another chance? I would think if he really liked me that he would have been there at 5:00 the first time we agreed to meet. He never told me why he didn’t call until 8:00. Just some reason I couldn’t make it. We have been talking again but I’m not sure if I should waste my time. He asked me if we could try going out again and I told him yes.

Meighan

Dear Meighan,

Some random thoughts before we begin:

You were going out with a guy at 5pm on a Saturday night?

You were going out with a guy whom you can’t understand when he speaks?

You were going out with a guy who pretended for three days that he didn’t flake on you?

Okay, now that we have that all cleared up, let’s get to the meat of your question: should you give him another chance?

Yeah. Why not?

While I think it would be really easy to say from afar, “He’s just not that into you”, there’s nothing that confirms it definitively.

The fact is, he DID call you at 3 to tell you he couldn’t make it on time.

He DID call you at 8 to get together.

And he DID call you again on Wednesday to try and reschedule.

Sounds to me like a guy who is genuinely interested in you. Non-interested guys don’t follow up like that. They put you off until the very last minute and text you at 11pm to see if you’re around. It’s the least effort for the greatest return.

Still, I would proceed with caution, if only due to the fact that he was too immature to deal with the communication breakdown quickly. There’s nothing wrong with going out with an immature and unpredictable guy, per se. It’s getting your hopes up that is the great danger.

So for now, suspend judgment and see how he follows through on future dates – how quickly he calls, emails and texts to set up the next one. If he steps up and acts like a man, you won’t even remember that he screwed up on your first date.

Just don’t count on it.

 

A few years ago, I went out with a woman three times in a couple of weeks. We had great chemistry, and despite the fact that I was a customer service representative at JDate pulling in barely $30K, I’d paid for everything. First date was $60. Second date was $90. The third date was brunch the morning after the second date. She’d ordered a dozen bagels and then realized she’d forgotten her wallet. No big deal. An innocent mistake. She generously offered to pick up our next date. 

She called me at work the following day to tell me of a play that sounded like fun. She said she was busy at work and asked if I could find out if there were tickets available. No problem. I called the theater and learned there were only six left. What’s a guy to do? No big deal, I bought a pair of tickets and figured she’d pick up dinner before we went out. 

After our $40 meal, she put down her credit card and went to the bathroom. When she came back, she noticed that I didn’t put in my credit card to pick up or split the check. Upon which she glared at me and said, with a ton of venom and not a shred of irony: "What am I, your sugar mama?!"

Yeah, being a guy isn’t always the most rewarding thing in the world. But what are you gonna do? I’ve stopped wondering about what’s "fair" and have decided to embrace the system I’ve inherited. In this system, a guy pays unquestionably, and if a woman offers to pay, he is supposed to say no. At least on the first few dates. Or as long as she’s being courted. Or maybe always. It depends on the woman. We can never know unless we let down our guard and allow her to pick up a check. And by then, it’s often too late to justify your behavior.

This is a quandary all right and there is no one right answer. Until now. As your friendly neighborhood single dating coach, I’m going to give you the definitive rulebook on how to negotiate this tricky territory, once and for all….

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I am a 33 year old woman and I work as a Clinical Manager for a TMJ doctor. I have a 10 year old daughter who lives with me, and a 13 year old son who lives with his father. I travel twice a month to meet him half way to drop off/pick up one of our children.

I haven’t met a man in over 3 years, unless I am late up one night chatting on MySpace. And even then, I am not so inclined to go and actually meet them.

I don’t like the club scene, and I do not trust my family’s judgment when it comes to setting me up.

I began to date one of my friends around October of ‘06, and well, he has TOO MUCH BAGGAGE! And he won’t let it go.

And it’s true, I did want to be with him because it was much more simple to be with him than looking for someone new. Also, I have to admit the sex was okay, until he went all religious on me and "SEX IS A SIN" came out of his mouth. (I thought it was the woman’s role to say that).

I thought I wanted to be with this man, but his negative outlook on love and life brought me down. I was more depressed than when my ex-husband left me for someone else. (That is a HUGE story…look for my book) (Just kidding about the book)

But how does someone (ME) look for a good man? I have heard to just wait and it will happen. I have been divorced 8 years. I haven’t lived with a man since I was married. I have only dated men, and well, as far as relationships go, I guess you can say I haven’t really had one.

I know there are good men out there, but with my schedule, how do I start?

Cheeky

Dear Cheeky,

I’ve written about this very issue before, but not on this blog. So I’m reprinting that material (originally found on Yahoo! Personals) below, with a little post-script for you afterwards. The statistics in this article come from Harlequin Books’ Romance Report, for which I was the spokesperson in 2006.

Meeting new people, especially those who actually pique our interest, is a challenge for most of us. We may all hope to stumble upon our perfect match in a serendipitous twist of fate, but as an online dating coach my work has led me to agree that it doesn’t always work that way. In fact, finding that combination of best friend, lover and partner-in-crime is about the hardest thing in the world.

So, how should you go about it?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

An impressive 85 percent of men and women said they do not have trouble meeting people. Yet, two thirds (61 percent) admit to not following their instincts when first encountering someone to whom they are attracted.

When you’re unemployed, you do everything in your power to find a job. Why? Because finding a job is vital. Yet, when you’re single you…wait for the right person to trip over you on the street? Your love life should be just as important as your professional life. The same energy and effort you put into finding work should be put into finding love.

Making an effort to create more encounters, whether they are online or in person, doesn’t mean you’re desperate and it doesn’t diminish your vibrant single life. It’s simply about creating time to search for love — and it is a search. So many people want to cut to the chase and just find someone, like turning over a rock and finding a golden nugget. In fact, the quest for love is far more like panning and prospecting – a lot of effort, not as much immediate reward. The point is, there’s always the potential to hit it big.

Missed encounters?

When asked what’s preventing them from meeting the right person, men and women agree that: “no time” (38 percent) ranks highest, followed by “no good places to meet” (28 percent) and then “all the good ones are taken” (20 percent).

Spending 60 hours a week at the office may pad the bank account, but it also creates a few problems. You have less time at night to go out. You spend your weekends running errands. You barely have any spare time to catch up with your friends and family. While you can’t change your lifestyle cold-turkey, you do need to create space for the encounters that may change your life.

If you work in a big office, social opportunities abound, and if they don’t, you can create them. Your colleagues probably feel isolated as well and would jump at the chance to blow off some steam at a happy hour or a softball game. Putting out the vibe that you want to be social will attract similarly social colleagues. Plus, making new friends at the office opens up worlds that you couldn’t possibly foresee: card games, pick-up basketball, dinner parties – all just by being proactive about your social life at work.

The one that got away

Nearly 40 percent (38 percent) of both men and women say that they’ve turned someone down and regretted it later.

For those who protest that they literally have no time for anything beyond working, eating and sleeping, all is not lost. Needless to say, “The One” is not going to bust down your office door, knock on your bedroom window, or show up on your doorstep out of the blue. You must be open about the fact that you are single and looking, even when you’re not actively looking. Tell everyone that you trust — your friends, your coworkers, your hairdresser — that you’d like to be fixed up. Contact a matchmaker in your area. Or, easiest of all, post a profile on an online dating site.

Whether you spend an hour a day or an hour a month browsing the personals, at least you’re making an effort. The kind of chance encounters we see in the movies are amazing, but they’re rare and certainly not the only way to meet someone.

Put yourself out there and see what happens. Look for opportunities to meet new people. A successful encounter can lead to The Coffee Date, The Fling, The Torrid Affair and yes, even, The One. But nothing will ever happen if you don’t take that first step.

To sum up, Cheeky, judging from your email, “just waiting ‘til it happens” isn’t a successful strategy. If love is truly a priority for you, you’re going to have to be more proactive, and probably less judgmental as well. That doesn’t mean you have to date a relentlessly negative man who thinks sex is a sin. It does mean a reality check, however….

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Evan,

I recently read your blog entry regarding dating non conversationalists. I consider myself a very outgoing person, and can usually carry on a conversation with anyone. My problem is that I freeze up when I talk to guys. I can’t seem to come up with anything to say, I become shy, quiet and introverted. I think it is that I am afraid to look or say something "un-cool". I had a little self confidence until a few years ago, and didn’t "date" anyone until I was 23. I feel like I am now going through what most people go through in High School or College, but at a later time.

Is this a common problem? If so, any advice on how to overcome dating shyness?

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

There is never MORE to talk about than when you know absolutely NOTHING about someone.

However, your question is an important one, because it’s something that my coaching clients ask me somewhat regularly.

”What should I talk about?”

And, as I see it, unless you’ve already covered the topics of his work, his family, where he lives, how long he’s lived there, what he aspires to, how he enjoys dating, and his various tastes in movies, literature, music, and travel, you should probably have plenty to say. Especially if he’s kind enough to ask you a few questions as well.

Granted, I have a little diarrhea of the mouth and could probably use a few kicks under the table to shut me up at times. But the point remains the same. You can talk about pretty much ANYTHING on a date. Yes to politics. Yes to religion. Yes to sex. Yes to ex-boyfriends. As long as you’re not putting down another’s opinion, or pining for a former lover, you should be pretty safe.

As you can tell from your own expreience, the worst thing you can do is worry about what you’re going to say. Fear being uncool, and you may actually become uncool. The coolest people I know are those comfortable in their own skin. Nerds who embrace being nerds? Very cool. Average guy posing as a "cool" guy? Uncool.

And let’s face it: occasionally you’ll stick your foot in your mouth and say something stupid. That’s life. You just need the confidence to play it off afterwards. Hell, that’s what always kept me going. I can literally write a book on all the foolish things I’ve said or done on dates, and I’m sure my ex’s can write another two volumes about my idiocy. All you can do is recognize your mistakes and attempt not to repeat them. Just know that the more you tie yourself up with worry, the less likely you are to be your authentic self. I can’t help but to think of a baseball player overthinking a big at-bat, or an actor freezing on an audition. The only way to succeed in something this visceral is to turn off your brain and get out of your own way.

This reminds me of a personal anecdote. It was 2004. My first book had come out and a Match.com prospect had gone out to get it in advance. Research, I suppose. When we were talking on the phone prior to our first date, she confessed that she was really nervous about meeting.

“Don’t you get nervous before a date?” she asked.

I paused for a second, considering.

“No…actually I don’t.”

I thought about it some more.

“I just figure that if I’m being myself on the date, and you don’t like me, there’s not much I can do about it. Why spend any time worrying beforehand?”

And it’s true. Worrying has never helped anybody become a better date. Being on time does. Asking questions does. Staying positive does. But what can I possibly gain by going into the experience like I’m a nervous college graduate interviewing for a job?

My advice to you, Jessica, is to create a subtle shift in your thinking. Instead of thinking that you’re the nervous college graduate, pretend that you’re the boss – confident, secure, not determined to impress. Trust me, you’ll be more impressive.

The best advice I can give about how to "be" on a date is this: Think about the people in the world with whom you’re most comfortable. Your mom, your high school friend, your sister, whatever. How are you when you’re around them? Comfortable. Honest. Vulnerable. Silly. Real. Try bringing that same persona and energy to a date. If that’s you at your best, why would you choose to be any other way ?

I know there’s a big difference between talking the talk and walking the walk, but I’m telling you – if you go into each date with the assumption of success, you’re more likely to have real success.

 

Hi Evan,

Had a date that I met on-line a few weeks ago. Just went for coffee and a muffin (first date). However, I have run into this situation many times and do not know how to handle it. The date (male) spent the whole time talking about himself. Asked nothing about my life. Had two conversations with him on the phone prior to our meeting, and all he did was talk about himself. (There was "the writing on the wall”.) He was attractive and polite and seemed decent but there was this issue.  I was not his type anyway, so he is out of the picture. However, this problem still needs to be addressed. I also dated someone for a few months and he, also, talked about himself only. Was thinking of seeking professional help with this one since it is common. Thought of saying, if it comes up again, "How about we spend the time we have dividing the conversation between half of the time about you and half about me?” Is this a realistic tactic or should I just write the person off? 

Please advise.

Jackie

Dear Jackie,
Did I ever tell you about the time that I was out with this woman from JDate? We had talked on the phone for a little bit before meeting, did a bunch of IMing, but when we went for drinks, she must have had a three hour monologue prepared. I couldn’t get in a word edgewise. The fact that I ended up making out with her that night couldn’t disguise my utter contempt for her disinterest in me. Her four minute long voice mail when I never called again was an instant classic.

And then there was the time that I met a JDate girl on the phone who had recently broken up with her boyfriend of six years. And when I asked her if she was really ready to date, she gave me a very detailed explanation. It was more of a dissection, really, of everything that went wrong between the two of them. Finally, when I sensed that my “uh-huhs” and “yeahs” didn’t seem to matter much, I put down the phone and went into the bathroom. From there, I proceeded to take off my clothes, brush my teeth, wash my face, take out my contacts and return to the phone, where this poor woman was STILL talking about the demise of her relationship. I never ended up making out with her, since I told her that I put down the phone on her. True story.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you ask a question? That was so rude of me.

So enough about me. What do YOU think about me?

My apologies for all the jokes, Jackie. But what else can you do but laugh when your dates go horribly awry?

Thankfully, you’ve already taken responsibility for your minor part in the bad date; namely, that you shouldn’t even have gone out with the narcissist after your one-sided phone conversations.

But I do think you’re sort of missing it if you’re going to try that clunky line about dividing half of the conversation. Honestly, you’re not splitting a cake here; you’re supposed to be getting to know each other.

Conversation is like a tennis match – it’s back and forth and it takes two people to take a game to the next level. If you’re hitting volleys and he’s hitting the ball to himself, well, it’s no surprise that your matches haven’t been particularly memorable.

But you already know this. What you may not have considered is that good conversationalists aren’t necessarily the best talkers. They’re the best listeners. And sometimes, by being a good listener, and asking the right questions, you can create an opening for your date to be a better listener as well….

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