I am 41, divorced with two kids. Three months ago, I met someone, 38, no kids, never been married. We exchanged phone numbers, went out a couple times and ended up having sex on our second date. He has always been upfront with me about not wanting a serious relationship, which I agreed to because frankly, even though I’ve been divorced for two years I don’t feel that I’m ready for that either. He is the first guy that I’ve dated, let alone had sex with, since the divorce. Things seemed to be going pretty well, we were seeing each other a couple times a week, had a few incidents where I did things he didn’t like, one time I went to his house unannounced and he told me to never do that again. So we’ve had a few conversations about honesty, and about what each of us wants this relationship to be. I thought we came to an agreement, he told me he has gone out with other women since I came along and that he wouldn’t mind if I dated other people. He says he hasn’t had sex with anyone else, and if he did he would tell me and break it off with me. And he would expect me to do the same.

The last time I saw him was on a Wednesday almost two weeks ago, I called him the following Saturday at 10 p.m. and he was at a party, said he would call me later. Well, he did call at 4 a.m. and left me a voicemail saying he was sorry he didn’t call earlier, that he would’ve invited me but I wouldn’t have had any fun because it was mostly a bunch of guys.

So on Monday I sent him a text asking what he was doing, and he never responded. By Thursday (a week since I’d seen him last) he still hadn’t called so I called him and he did the ‘answer the phone and hang it up to make it look like a dropped call’ game twice before he finally answered the third time. When he did answer he was pretty rude, said I read too much into things, that he’s been busy and that’s the only reason he hasn’t called me. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. I told him that he could’ve at least had the courtesy to take two minutes out of his suddenly busy life to call me to say he wouldn’t be available due to being busy. (I don’t know what is keeping him busy, he never elaborated.) He did agree that he was pretty inconsiderate of my feelings, but never said anything about calling me again or anything. The conversation ended with me telling him to give me a call when he could find the time.

All I ask for is a little honesty, if he doesn’t want to see me anymore for whatever reason, just be a man and end it with a little dignity. Is that too much to ask? It’s not like we had only gone out a couple times, we spent a fair amount of time with each other and I thought that if anything else, he would always be a friend. But now I feel like I have to try to avoid him, I told my friend that if he shows up at the bar when we’re there I will leave, she says I need to just hold my head up and pretend I’m not hurt if I do see him. I guess I just want a little insight into the mind of a 38 year old man that behaves like a high school kid. It is really frustrating, a setback to the confidence and self esteem that I did have before I met him, which wasn’t much to begin with. I see now that he was only using me for sex, that he either met someone else or is just done with me. I would be curious to know how many other women my age have been in situations like this. It makes me want to just give up on men altogether.

Charlene

Dear Charlene,

Don’t give up on men. But please, for your own sake, read this very closely. Maybe print it up and put it on your bathroom mirror, where you can practice smiling in spite of what you’re about to hear.

Ready?

Okay.

He’s just not that into you.

But you already knew that. So let me continue with something that might not be as obvious….

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Dear Evan:

When I was younger (disco diva days), I used to have this (fun for me!) phenomenon of men just coming up and kissing me. Nice kisses, movie-style, lip lock but no tongue. Then they would smile and just walk away. I ‘ m verbal, but not that kind of quick wit and so would be left standing there with a silly grin on my face and my girlfriends or guy buddies asking me "Who was that?

It was never a guy who had asked me to dance; never a guy who I had approached or had knowingly flirted with; and never would they talk to me or ask me out. Just kiss and run. Anglo, Hispanic, sometimes I wasn’t sure of their ethnicity (disco lighting); but never an AA (which I am). Sometimes, they would just hug me.

Well, disco days passed, I got married and so for the past 20 years - nothing, as I was definitely on ‘ off ‘ . Well, here I am divorced, as of 05, fast approaching 50 and trying to turn it ‘ on ‘ and it happened, again, of all places in a Lowes! It was a kiss on the cheek. A lovely one and the gentle man gave me his business card - so some things have changed, but some have not, as I’m still not at all quick enough to follow up with anything.

And I was out, for the first time in years, with a girlfriend, having a fun time playing pool, and I got hugged as I was leaving the bar. The gentle man said bye and that he hoped I ‘ d come back to the bar soon.

Well, this has made my ego feel good, but, it got me to wondering. Have you heard of this before? I don ‘ t know what to do with this effect, but would like to turn it, safely, into a way to met guys and maybe, this time out, finally learn how to date well.

Thanking you in advance.

ML

PS: I ‘ m not a beauty - am described as ‘cute’ , 5′ 9", a little ditzy and a geek, don’t wear makeup, and no one has ever described me as being ‘cool ‘ . And I really like your blog.

Dear ML,

Rarely do I get an email that renders me nearly speechless, but you take the cake. Usually, something is shocking because it’s vulgar or dirty or embarrassing, but this is just…surprising.

You turn men into Kissing Bandits, and profess total innocence about how this keeps happening to you.

And while I’d like to think have a considerable amount of experience and knowledge in the dating arena, I have never heard of anything remotely like this in my life. Which is why I feel unqualified to weigh in as to what this means or what you can make of this.

But that’s never stopped me before.

So stick with me while I think out loud here…

You’re saying that strange men kiss you for no reason without ANY warning?

No smiles, no sideways glances, no conversation, just… SMOOOCH?
Wow.

Where I went to college, this could be considered battery. A unsolicited physical assault from a stranger? How is this any different than being flashed or being groped on a subway?

In fact, the more I think about it, I’m not sure which is more unusual – the fact that you have a penchant for bringing out the friendly freaks or the fact that you really seem to ENJOY being touched by these friendly freaks….

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