I met a nice guy recently online. We are both out of state and decided to meet. We spent a great weekend together and emailed each other after the weekend. He confirmed that he had a great weekend and wanted to visit me. He also mentioned that he wasn’t sure what the future will hold as it would be good to continue to get to know each other. But here’s the thing: he actually has not called since; just emailed. I’m not sure what to think. He’s often busy, but could he be that busy not to call to check in, or maybe the weekend was not that good and he was just being polite in saying he had a great weekend.

Marcie

Dear Marcie,

Hate to break it to you, but…

You’re the out of town girl.

You’re the woman who is out of sight and out of mind.

You’re the person he doesn’t have to call every day because you’re not close enough to be his girlfriend.

In other words, you’re the perfect woman.

Once again, I speak from experience.

Years ago, when I was working in customer care at JDate (yes, I come from humble origins), I started flirting with a girl who called up to ask some technical question. She was in New York, I was in Los Angeles. We emailed back and forth a few times. We sent a few photos back and forth. We started talking on the phone regularly. Next came phone sex. Next thing you know, she’s flying out to see me.

We had a whirlwind weekend. Beach walks in Venice, shopping on Melrose, long drives on Mulholland, romantic restaurants in Hollywood. It was like a vacation romance. Lots of chemistry, nothing at stake, two young people who can’t keep their hands off each other for 48 hours.

When she got back home, she wanted to continue to talk every day. …

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Evan,

About once or twice a year, I find myself in the position of coaching a female friend through the disappointment of a failed relationship that we all knew was coming. The reason we all knew it was coming? He’d unequivocally stated from the very beginning: “I’m not ready for a commitment at this point in my life. I’m too busy with work/school/exploring my bachelorhood/getting over my ex”. For whatever reason, I repeatedly see my women friends accepting the man’s terms and pretending they’re ok with the arrangement. While they’re in the happy stage of the relationship, they declare with satisfaction: "we’re having so much fun" or "he brings out this new, exciting side of me" or “he’s so affectionate” or “he wants to do something every weekend with me”. (I think, in their minds, they’re seeing this as evidence of an emerging commitment.)

Then, inevitably, the whole pretty illusion shatters when the guy is asked to perform one of the actions that signify a serious relationship. He may shrink from the invitation to a family gathering. He doesn’t want to sign up for a 6-week course in ballroom dancing. He wants a weekend to himself. He’s taking another “friend” to a wedding. He didn’t feel obligated to disclose that his ex-girlfriend was staying at his apartment.

It breaks my heart to see my friends so distraught when they receive one of these wake-up calls. It always comes as a shock to them, and it kills me to hear them agonizing over all the little things that had previously made them so certain that the man was falling head-over-heels:

    “But he’d said I was like no woman he’d met before….”

    “Just two days ago, he’d brought me flowers…”

    “He told me all these things he wanted to do with me…”

    “He’d said ‘casual relationship’, but I didn’t think there’d be other women involved…”

To console them, I find myself using the same explanations over and over again… that men are famously skilled at compartmentalizing - especially sex from emotion. That sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. That plans expressed as “we should one day do this…” were not promises set in stone. I’m surprised that, as sorry as I feel for my friends, I hear myself defending the man much of the time.

Evan, I’d love to hear you riff on this pattern of behavior. Why does it happen over and over again? What can women do to avoid getting into these predicaments? What culpabilities do men have to the women in these scenarios? What else can we say to our women friends when they’re licking their wounds?

Thank you from a loyal reader,

Christa

Dear Christa,

A wonderful letter, and a perfect opportunity to riff on the most common mistake that women make in dating. Failure to understand the hollowness of man-speak is the basis for “He’s Just Not That Into You” and 1000 other books. But since I don’t think most of the books go far enough in actually getting women to change their behavioral patterns, let’s do that today.

Last week, I published a piece on Yahoo.com entitled Ten Classic Online Dating Mistakes That Women Make. It was a compilation of some of the savviest advice I’ve ever given to my private coaching clients. Honestly, it probably took me longer to put together that list than it did to write my second book. What I especially liked about the list was that the pieces of advice at the top were the biggest “Aha” moments as chosen by women themselves. My hope was that readers would glance at that list and say, “Really? That’s a mistake?! I had no idea. I’ve been doing that my entire life, and, well, now that you mention it, it hasn’t been working. Hmm, I never saw it that way before.”

This, of course, is not how it played out.

The first mistake on my list touches exactly on your point, Christa, about men’s ability to compartmentalize:…

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Hey Evan,

I met a really nice guy. We are going out for a month now. And as all women do, I’m falling in love. But how do I know if he is feeling the same way about me without having to ask him directly?

Antonella from Holland

Dear Antonella,

I wrote about this in a chapter of Why You’re Still Single called “Diminishing Returns”.

In it, a woman wonders why a man would invest time, energy and money in somebody he might not even care about.

There was originally a great joke about oral sex here that was later removed by editors, but the point remains the same:

A guy can want to fall in love, tell you you’re beautiful, treat you like a queen, and ravish you in the bedroom, and it still doesn’t give any indication that he’s actually interested.

So how will you know that he’s interested in you?

He’ll call you as soon as possible to make plans to see you again. That’s it.

Any other excuse – as pointed out ad nauseum in He’s Just Not That Into You – is meaningless.

You’re not wrong, Antonella, for wanting to find some clarity in your relationship. It’s normal that, over the course of a month, your feelings would start to deepen and develop. But one month is still a short period of time and unless you’re quite positive that he’s on the same love track as you are, I would lean back and play it cool.

Instead of forcing him to have a potentially uncomfortable conversation before he’s figured out his feelings, why don’t you just wait to see him reveal his feelings? Believe me, if he’s calling you every day and wants to see you four nights a week, you can be pretty sure that he’s serious about you. On the other hand, if you see him once a week and he only communicates with you by text message, I wouldn’t get too excited about him.

And when you reach the point where you simply can’t live without the knowledge that you’re in a committed relationship – most likely, in a month or two – that’s when it’s time to have a real conversation with him.

But ultimately, you shouldn’t have to have ask him how he’s feeling. You should know how he’s feeling based on the effort he’s making for you. And if he’s not making an effort, you don’t have to look very far for your answer.

 

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