I am taking a two week vacation (my first in 9 years!), so there won’t be any new blog posts until late May. Thankfully, there’s no shortage of reading to keep you busy while I’m gone.

First, check out the blog archive on the right side of the page to read older articles. And, by older, I mean a few weeks, not years.

And if all of my material isn’t enough for your insatiable appetite, I STRONGLY urge you to check out the Best Dating Resources on the Internet section on the right side of the page.

Christian Carter, David DeAngelo and Alison Armstrong are all personal friends with different styles who tend to arrive at similar conclusions about how men and women relate. (Alison gives incredibly illuminating live seminars as opposed to writing eBooks, so you MUST go if she’s in your city).

This brief hiatus is a perfect opportunity for you to post your comments on this blog and start up a lively discussion. Over 100 new people signed up to subscribe just yesterday and you’re the people I REALLY want to hear from.

And last, but not least, if you go ALL the way down to the bottom of the page, you can submit your own vexing dating questions, which I will be honored to tackle upon my return.

Thank you for reading. Have a safe and happy few weeks.

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. Here’s one for the road:
==========================
Originally written for Match.com’s Happen Magazine, this is a solid companion piece to yesterday’s post on when to dump someone.

After a breakup, it’s easy to despair…but there are many reasons you’re better off moving on. Check this list to feel happier and more hopeful, fast.

Make no mistake about it: Getting dumped sucks. You invest weeks, months, or even years with someone—then that someone decides that he’d or she’d be better off without you. Suddenly, there’s a hole in your life where a significant other used to be. Nights, weekends, holidays, vacations, everything takes on a new shade when you’re flying solo. And while it’s tempting to wallow in misery, keep the points below in mind, and you’ll realize hey, it’s not that bad. Actually, getting dumped can be good for you. Here are five reasons why:

Reason #1: This is a perfect opportunity to reconnect with your life
Sure, you had a good run with your ex—theater, travel, and sex (in particular), are best shared with a significant other. But think of all the things you used to enjoy that have fallen by the wayside since you coupled up. Like, say, your friends? “I didn’t realize howmuch time I spent with my boyfriend until we broke up,” said Sherry, 41, from Santa Monica. “That’s when I looked at my life, and I realized I only saw my closest friends every other month!” Sherry quickly set about changing that, and quickly realized how much she’d missed them. Your family will also always welcome you with open arms—and what could be more rewarding than spending some quality time with mom or a brother you usually only see during the holidays? What’s more, now that you’re single and have a bunch of free time to fill, you can indulge in all the things you’ve been meaning to try for years: redecorating your home, working out at the gym, taking adult education classes. While getting dumped may leave a vacuum, there’s an infinite world of things with which you can fill it….

Continued on next page >>       Pages:   1 2

From Match.com’s Happen Magazine

Sometimes, telling your dates the truth about how you feel about them might not always be the best idea. Here’s why—and a much better alternative.

by Evan Marc Katz

How lucky we are to be in an age where men and women alike are encouraged to express their feelings. We share what’s on our mind to our family, our friends, our co-workers, our therapists, and last, but not least, our dates. The thing is: While our family, friends, co-workers and therapists have all known us long enough to roll with some of our beyond blunt comments, our dates have most likely not had that luxury—which is why you may well have completely offended one of them without even knowing it. Such is the price of honesty: We think we’re just being candid; someone else thinks we’re just being a jerk. Let’s take a closer look at how to wrangle this tricky dating territory.

Why criticism is rarely constructive
The irony of honesty is that we usually feel 100 percent justified in our feelings. Well, he did need to stop complaining about his job! She would look better with longer hair! And, hey, that person did too need to lighten up a bit! Newsflash: Everybody could stand to undergo a little self-improvement. But self-improvement starts with yourself, not with a near stranger you’re meeting at Starbucks. It’s not that those gosh-darned honest people are inherently wrong, per se, but rather that they’re offering opinions that the recipient didn’t solicit. David, 35, from San Diego, recalls a first meeting in which he and his date got into an intense discussion about the Iraq war. “Instead of agreeing to disagree,” he said, “she couldn’t stop reminding me how argumentative I was. But I was the one who wanted to end the conversation!”

There’s a big difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism, one that David’s date couldn’t discern. Naturally, most of us think our criticism is constructive; when others take offense we cry, “I’m just trying to help you!” But in my opinion, most criticism is the destructive kind. We tell others what we perceive to be wrong with them for our own benefit rather than theirs, as if they’re instantaneously going to change. “I was really interested in this guy from our email exchanges, yet the second we sat down for dinner, he told me, point-blank, that I should let my hair grow longer,” said Jane, 49, from Seattle. “As if he had some sort of say in the process.” Janet’s story, unfortunately, is as much the rule as the exception. We offer our thoughts even if our dates don’t ask, even if they don’t agree, even if our words fall on deaf ears. It’s as if the criticism is a weight to be carried around, and we can only unburden ourselves by dumping it on our unsuspecting dates.

The secret to treating your date with tact
So how can you tell if your negative comments are constructive or destructive? Simple. If your date didn’t explicitly ask you how he/she could improve, you’re being destructive—yes, even if you’re completely correct in your assessment. It’s not your job to tell the person how he or she can be better. It’s your job to smile, be generally pleasant, and decide if you want to see this person another time. That’s it. Andrew, 27, from Miami, recalls a woman who laid into him for showing up late and failing to open the car door for her. “It’s not that she was wrong,” he said, “It that her tone was something I’d only take from someone who was already a girlfriend. Getting yelled at on a first date doesn’t give me much incentive to come back for a second one.”

Now, this doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat on a date or carefully monitor every word that comes out of your mouth. Nor does it mean that you can’t talk about anything interesting or provocative. It just means that the cliché you heard from your mom when you were six is still applicable today: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.”

A road paved with good intentions…
We — real, human, flawed people — take a risk every time we go on a date. We hope to impress, yet half the time, we fail to. And that’s OK. The problem is when, for our own selfish reasons, we offer free analysis with each venti latte. Unadulterated honesty may not cost a thing monetarily, but being candid at all times is expensive in terms of connection and compassion. After all, why would anyone want to date you if they’re only going to be made to feel bad about themselves?

Let me give you an example: Karen, a 33-year-old psychologist from Los Angeles, believes in full-tilt honesty, and she feels that, if everyone were a little more like her, this dating thing wouldn’t be that bad at all. “Some of my dates probably think I lack a bit of a filter, but the way I see it, if a guy can’t take my honesty, he’s probably not the right guy for me.” Although I respect her integrity, I couldn’t disagree more with Karen’s approach. “Honest” may be the label that people like Karen grant themselves, but others (who may be a bit less honest) probably use another word to describe their behavior: tactless.

Having restraint doesn’t mean you’re a liar. It just means you’re not saying every single thing that crosses your mind. There’s tremendous grace in being courteous, and what you gain from being kind to a date is far greater than what you gain from being honest. So, next time, try a little kindness…and watch as your dates warm up accordingly.

Subscribe to Advice From A Single Dating Expert

(by Elise Nersesian from Match.com’s Happen Magazine)

These days, should a woman have sex with a guy as soon as she wants…or hold off? Here, three single gals discuss the pros and cons.

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

Keep reading:

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex and then blame women for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with him quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. Which lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience, that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined to not be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals that I do. I love women with loose morals.

This question is a popular one because it comes up all the time. However, there’s no answer, no timetable, no magic bullet that is going to let women know that it’s the right time to have sex. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. Which is perfectly fair. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Hold it out like a carrot for a horse and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number, like the U.S. coming up with an arbitrary pull out date for Iraq. A woman’s sole responsibility before having sex is to ascertain if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX. If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, have sex, and he doesn’t call, you made a mistake. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making the occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years - no committed relationship, no sex - and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts?

Subscribe to Advice From A Single Dating Expert

A piece in today’s Happen Magazine brings up a topic familiar to most online daters - the concept of being geographically desirable.

Writes the author, Bob Strauss: “Did we live a continent away from each other? Not at all—she hailed from the upper west side of Manhattan, while I lived on a less fashionable part of the east side, perhaps a twenty-minute ride by bus or subway. Was she telling me the truth? That’s a more difficult question. On the one hand, perhaps she genuinely thought her life was so busy that she couldn’t afford to date someone who lived more than a few blocks away. On the other hand, maybe she wasn’t really that interested or was a neighborhood snob and was looking for a way to let me down gently.

“Geographic undesirability” is merely a shorthand way of saying that you are only as valuable as your options. The world’s perfect man - tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, kind - might just be residing in a palace three hours outside Nome, Alaska - and if he wrote to you on Match.com, you’d still dismiss him as geographically undesirable - PRESUMING that you have some potential local options. This is the hardest thing for geographically undesirable people to fathom. They figure that if THEY’RE willing to fly cross-country to go on a date (because there’s not many Hispanics in rural Pennsylvania), then any woman in Los Angeles would be willing to do the same. But why would she? She’s surrounded by a 50% Hispanic population. She doesn’t NEED rural Pennsylvania.

The people at the top of the dating totem pole are women in their late 20’s/early 30’s - as they are coveted by men from 25-60. An attractive woman this age, in a densely populated area, has hundreds if not THOUSANDS of men writing to her, all of whom feel they have a reasonable shot at her. What these men haven’t necessarily considered is that she has so many options that she can choose a man who fits all of her criteria. In other words, she’s got no incentive to date a wealthy older man fifty miles away when she can date a wealthy man her age who can deliver her latest gift from Tiffany’s to her doorstep in ten minutes. And since most men get really caught up in writing to hot, young woman, I feel it’s my duty to report that the odds are long BECAUSE of the number of choices she has. Find that same sexy 27-year-old in a more remote area, you may have a better shot at getting a reply. Same thing goes for women contacting men. If you’re a woman who lives outside a major city, you can assume that any attractive, articulate, successful man has the option of dating other amazing women who don’t require him to gas up his car. And you can’t be too surprised or upset when he exercises that option.

People without tons of options need to be more flexible. People with tons of options can afford to be choosy. As long as they have the perception of choice, they’re going to choose to trade up for someone a little bit cuter, a little bit richer, a little bit closer. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it just is.

You can’t change anybody else, nor can you change what they desire. All you can do is attract a catch with better essays, better email technique, and a better approach to dating.

And if you want to do that, you know where to find me:

Subscribe to Advice From A Single Dating Expert

My latest piece for Happen Magazine was originally called “Just Being Honest”. It talks about how saying everything on your mind (i.e. being yourself) isn’t always the best policy for a first date. The article is directed towards women, but can apply to men too. Listening is an incredibly powerful and underrated tool when you want to get someone to like you; it may even be more persuasive than talking.

====================================================

When it comes to off-putting dating behavior, men commit plenty of dumb moves. He wears sneakers at a nice restaurant. He goes on and on about his boring job. He asks you pretty much nothing about yourself… and still tries for a good-night kiss at the end of the date (as if). If you find yourself on a date like this, I don’t blame you for passing on another encounter. But what about those cases where the guy does win you over… and yet never calls? Have you ever stopped to wonder what went wrong? While you might think a man’s favor largely boils down to your looks, you’re wrong. Below are five key things that well-intentioned women do that make men bail. Keep them in mind as you search for your Mr. Right.

Reason #1: You talk, but don’t listen
Women are sharers. It’s culturally ingrained. You may talk to your best friend or mom five times a day and think nothing of it. Every detail is relevant, and nothing can be left out in the telling of a story. Problem is, men don’t generally communicate that way. So try to consider the ebb and flow of a normal conversation. If he hasn’t spoken in awhile, ask him a question (and not a vague “So tell me about you” which will make feel self-conscious and put on the spot). If he’s telling a story, try doing a follow-up query instead of refocusing the spotlight on yourself (“You like to travel? Let me tell you about how I backpacked through the Amazon!). And if it’s occurred to you that you haven’t yet learned a thing about your date, try listening for a bit. It’s not that we’re not interested in getting to know you, it’s that we’d be thrilled if you were interested in getting to know us, too.

Reason #2: You see conversation as therapy
Talking about your evil ex-boyfriend. Talking about your hatred of your job. Talking about your strained relationship with your mother. It’s not that the bad stuff is irrelevant, it’s that it’s inappropriate. Being negative might be an effective way of winning an election, but it’s not exactly endearing on a date. Even if you feel compelled to touch on such subjects, consider your tone in doing so. And consider how you’d feel if a man were to share his inner turmoil with you too soon.

Reason #3: You’re a little too enthusiastic about him
It’s normal to get excited about a date with potential. It’s normal to consider what kind of husband that date might be. It was also normal to write your grade school crush’s name on the back of your notebook… but you wouldn’t show it to him, would you? Of course not! There’s an unwritten rule in dating that governs the energy flow between a man and a woman: When one party tries too hard, the other party pulls back. If a stranger has ever bought you a costly gift on the first date or called you seven times the day after you had coffee, you know what I mean. We’re not saying you should act cold; just don’t get carried away in front of him. Keep your projections to yourself until you have a better idea your affections are reciprocated.

Reason #4: Your idea of chit-chat is politics, religion and other heavy topics
So you don’t complain about your ex, your boss or your Mom. But you have a bone to pick with the President, the U.N. and the Pope. Hey, if your date is up for a surprise appearance on Meet the Press, that’s cool. Just know that not everybody likes to swim in the deep end of the pool so early. Sometimes, you’re better off sticking with banter about favorite travel spots or good movies or even funny online dates from the past. It’s not that intellectual topics should be off-limits, but until you know where someone lands on the political spectrum, you may want to tread lightly.

Reason #5: You’re not relating to him—you’re testing him
Dating should be fun. Getting to know a fascinating stranger, sharing information about yourself to an interested date… these are the things that keep us optimistic about the process. Where it all goes wrong is when you inadvertently turn him into a defendant and yourself into the prosecuting attorney. “How long was your last relationship?” “Where do you see yourself in two years?” “Do you want kids someday?” The answers to these questions are really important — they may well determine whether you choose to see him again — but great dates do not occur on a hot seat or under a microscope. Try reading between the lines instead of asking him these things point-blank.

Subscribe to Advice From A Single Dating Expert