I dated my ex for 16 months. We broke up with no hints of getting back together. 2 weeks later I had a one night stand with someone I don’t know. 1 week later, my ex calls and indicates we should try to get back together. In subsequent discussions, she asks me if I had slept with anyone. Being an honest man, I reluctantly told her yes. She is furious and hurt and is accusing me of cheating and lying to her. I want to be with her, never wanted to be without her (she pushed the breakup), and am disappointed that I hurt her, BUT, do not feel like I cheated or lied. Where do I go from here? Lay low and see if time helps or go all in again and try to win her over again?

Thanks.

Brian

Dear Brian,

You did nothing wrong.

You were broken up.

You had no hints of getting back together.

You did what pretty much any guy would do after a sixteen month relationship.

That doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods yet, but it does mean you’re technically “right”. The problem is that having truth and logic on your side matters very little when discussing emotional issues. This, by the way, is the main reason that I blog. I try to inject a little male logic into the largely feminine realm of relationship discussions. (This does NOT mean women are illogical – I’m just making a generalization here). I don’t actively hope to change the world, but I do hope to observe the world AS IT IS, as opposed to how it SHOULD be.

She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman.

Your girlfriend is caught up in how it SHOULD be. After a long, serious relationship – one in which she still had feelings for you - she was clearly hoping for some dating moratorium. She probably wanted you cry your eyes out for a few weeks, paralyzed, unable to imagine yourself in the presence of any other woman. And then, when she came back to reconcile with her beloved, she was shocked to discover that you had drowned your sorrows in the cleavage of another woman during - GASP! – a meaningless one-night stand. The gall! The disrespect! Did your relationship just mean NOTHING?

It feels pretty ridiculous to type those last few lines because they make no logical sense. You were broken up. You did when men do when they’re single – look for other women. When my serious girlfriend dumped me in 2004, I left her house, red-eyed, drove ten minutes home, and reactivated my JDate account instantly. Would I want to be the first woman to date me after my heart had been shattered? Hell, no. But I certainly wasn’t going to repair my wounds by sitting at home by myself for a month….

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Dear Evan,

I have been married for two years. I am 26 years old and my husband is 12 years older than me. He is very nice to me and always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. He loves me. He seems to know what to say to me most of the times.

Now, here is the problem… We are both going to separate colleges.  The problem is that at the end of the day when he tells me about his daily class events, he goes on and on about this hot, extremely hot, f#$$g hot, sultry looking girl in one of his classes… His friends tell me how “he is married, but not dead” and “there is nothing wrong with noticing other women”!! He also tells me that he can fantasize about his cute 30 years old teacher… I asked him if he ever found me ’sultry’? His response was just plain ‘NO’. He told me that I was beautiful and very sexual, but never sultry. 

What is your opinion about this whole mess? I AM a jealous person, but I try to control my jealousy. I try very hard to not show anger, but I really don’t feel loved. I don’t want to tell him that he can’t come talk to me about other females (well, I see other guys too in my school but I don’t go on and on about them when I get home. I desire my husband and no other man)

What do I do?  How do I talk to him about this?

Jazz

Dear Jazz,

Your husband’s biggest problem isn’t that he’s a loser who will most certainly cheat on you one of these days (although an argument can certainly be made). No, your husband’s big problem is that he has an extraordinarily big yap which lands him somewhere in that gray area between insensitive and stupid.

I’m going to take this moment to strike a hard line in defense of LYING. Yes, LYING. Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, you are hearing a first-hand account of the devastation wreaked by a man who can’t help but to TELL THE TRUTH. Because, to be perfectly blunt with you, Jazz, his friends are 100% right. He IS married but not dead. There IS nothing wrong with noticing other women. Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Now, we’ve tackled this before at Advice From A Single Dating Expert. And my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain the same. Flirty people flirt. It’s a personality trait, not a choice. Still, there ARE societal boundaries to be maintained, and there are certainly sensitivities that have to be considered. And your husband is failing on every account. Factor in your innate jealousy and your husband going on and on about his f#$$g hot lab partner, well, you’ve got a recipe for disaster on your hands. And it ain’t going away all that soon.

Because what you might be surprised to learn, Jazz, is that your husband probably feels that he just can’t help himself.

Which is why comparing your attraction to other men is irrelevant. Leering is somewhat accepted among men, and, to a degree, even encouraged….

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I’m dating this man, who on many, many counts is really wonderful. He’s a very intelligent man, classy, generous, loving and not a womanizer. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and sexy, etc, and how lucky he is to have found me. He says almost every day that he wants to marry me, and how he misses me terribly when we are apart. That’s all wonderful to hear! I feel the same way about him.

The problem is, that whenever we go out, he looks at other women. Not just the average-guy looking. He’s staring at them. He gets so caught up in it, even while holding my hand and walking past shops, he’ll head into one, if he sees someone attractive inside. He’ll sit with me at restaurants and look. He’s even go so far as to look behind me to see someone again, and has looked long enough many times to make eye-contact. Seems to try to make eye contact, too.

He’s a very sociable guy. Says hello to most people (men and women). But he does have a shy side and is uncomfortable in large groups where he knows no one. He is also extremely clever with humor, and easily silly and good with the come-backs that are hysterically funny.

But it’s these long-looks, or just about forgetting that I’m there right next to him, that are really bothering me. I’m not enjoying this. It’s starting to ruin the relationship for me. It makes me question his feelings for me, and his comments that I’m so beautiful, and here he’s looking at all these other women.

I know he’s proud of how I look. He’s told me many times that he feels that men are envious around him of me. I do get looked at often by men, but I don’t make eye contact like he does. I think that it’s rude to my partner, although I am tempted to show him how it feels! But I don’t want to play games. That is not my style.

I’ve only once made a comment about what he was looking at recently. I couched it in a joking form, to make the comment, but let him know that I’ve noticed his staring. He got immediately defensive. I didn’t ask him why, just said something to the effect of: "oh, it’s the beer in her hand you were looking at?!" He bristled. I could feel his shock at my comment. He was completely silent and had no response. He must have stared at this woman for 10 minutes before he said he wanted a beer. Other than that, he seems oblivious to his behavior.

How do I let him know I’m insulted that he does this so consistently?

How do I avoid an argument that will be simply denial on his part, and be productive to let him know this really bothers me, that he goes out of his way to look/stare? How do I let him know that I don’t trust his words, then, that he thinks I’m beautiful, etc., if he’s got to look at every woman we pass by?

It’s made me not want to go places with him anymore.

I look forward to your response!

Thank you,

Karen

I appreciate all the details you provided, Karen, because they paint a fully-fleshed out picture of your relationship. It would easy to demonize your boyfriend as evil, but you bother to mention that he is sociable, that he praises your beauty, and that he wants to marry you.

Which is why his over-the-top leering is so highly inappropriate….

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Dear Evan,

I’ll start from the beginning. I met this girl 11 months ago when she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me the first night we went out together on my birthday and we were together everyday for 10 1/2 months. She felt guilty for what she did to him throughout the whole relationship but gave me a chance. 6 months ago, we started fighting what seemed like everyday. She broke up with a month ago because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and because of her ex. 2 weeks ago, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she had agreed to go back out with him. Last weekend I was desperate to see her while she was on vacation in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. I had a cute idea of going down there from King of Prussia, PA with flowers and no idea of what to say to her when I saw her except to reconsider her relationship with her boyfriend. I asked her mom for directions and her mom refused to be a part of my idea. When she came back, her parents sat her down and forbade her to talk or see me. She told me this and I panicked. I sent her 2 dozen flowers and a teddy bear, which her mom refused the package. I picked up the package and decided to deliver it myself.

But when I showed up, her mom called the police on me. I’m not allowed to call her house or come to see her unless she agrees to meet me elsewhere. I know this sounds ridiculous but I still love her. I want what I can’t have and I have done just about everything wrong in a relationship you could without cheating on her. The day I sent her flowers, she called me crying to tell me she wasn’t the one who refused the gifts and that she didn’t want to do this, but that we wouldn’t work out, considering she has a boyfriend now and doesn’t want to hurt him and doesn’t want to disobey her parents. She agreed to meet up with me the other night to tell me the same thing, but I was so happy to see her, I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I have since then written her a poem called "Angel in my Bed" and today is her birthday. I’m not allowed to see her and I have a diamond ring waiting for her. I know it was wrong for me to get a promise ring for someone who doesn’t want to be with me but I get so irrational when it comes to her. I guess that’s why I have lost her. But please help me anyway that you can.

Matt

Dear Matt,

There is only one way to tackle this letter, and that’s line by line. Please reserve judgment until the very end – where Matt explodes from embarrassment at his lovelorn behavior.

I met this girl 11 months ago when she had a boyfriend. She cheated on him with me the first night we went out together on my birthday.

Okay, STOP!

Not that everyone who has ever cheated deserves to wear a scarlet letter, but let’s just say that infidelity is not the most promising start to a relationship.

She felt guilty for what she did to him throughout the whole relationship but gave me a chance.

That’s sweet of her. When does the Vatican finally approve her for sainthood?

6 months ago, we started fighting what seemed like everyday. She broke up with a month ago because she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore and because of her ex. 2 weeks ago, she called me while I was at work to tell me that she had agreed to go back out with him.

You’re fighting.

She broke up with you.

She didn’t want to be in a relationship.

She went back to her ex-boyfriend, whom she prefers over you.

This is sounding suspiciously like Dan’s painful email to me last month, in which I let him know that his girlfriend WASN’T HIS GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE. It’s amazing how guys are the last to realize this….

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Infidelity might be my favorite subject in the world.

Favorite is probably the wrong term. Fascinating is more like it. I’ve written about infidelity in a bunch of screenplays, touched on it in both of my books, and, needless to say, have considered the impact of cheating as a dating coach.

In fact, it was quite predictable when I realized that all of my favorite authors have dealt with infidelity in both painful and comic fashion: John Updike, John Irving, Philip Roth, Jonathan Franzen.

If I had to explain why, it’s that infidelity cuts to the core of who we are, and who society wants us to be.

We know that we’re supposed to be honest. We know we’re supposed to have integrity. We know what The Ten Commandments say about adultery. We know what our spouses say about it. And yet…

And yet… well, you know “and yet”…

People are people. We mean to do good, but we do bad. We preach one thing but live another.

Studies show that anywhere from 80-95% of Americans feel that extramarital sex is always wrong. Those same studies show that between 20-40% of married individuals have had extramarital sex by the time they reach their sixties.

Such is human nature. We act on emotion, lust, and passion. We kill and lie and screw – all for selfish purposes. And we find a way to justify it or explain it away or deny, deny, deny.

We are a society of hypocrites.

And that brings me to my greatest fear.

I’m not kidding. I’ve never written this down or said it like this before, much less in a public forum.

The scariest thing to me is not that my future wife is going to cheat on me, but rather, that I’m going to cheat on her.

That I’m going be become all the things that I, and the rest of polite society, decries.

A liar.

A hypocrite.

A disappointment.

Now, for the record, I’ve never cheated on anybody.

Unfortunately, for a 35-year-old guy, that’s not quite as sterling a record as it might seem.

I’m a serial dater. I’ve gone out with hundreds of people during my adult life. It was never by design, or for research. It was the process by which I was searching for true love. My parents were married for thirty years and I always wanted to emulate them. If I didn’t feel a relationship had a chance to meet that high standard, I pulled the plug on it quickly.

Which means that my relationships have been measured in terms of months as opposed to years. And staying faithful for five months at a time doesn’t say anything about my ability to resist temptation for five years. Or ten years. Or thirty years.

Which is why I’m afraid….

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Dear Evan,

Have had the most exciting relationship in years with a girl named Tonja. We truly have/had a wonderful relationship that was progressing magically. But Tonja had her heart broken 3 months before by a prior love named Chris. After seeing that Tonja had moved on and was apparently SO happy, he began calling, stopping by, texting, emailing, etc. Tonja told me about it but after some time she became confused and felt like she now had strong feelings for the both of us.

What’s the right thing to do in this situation? Pull back and give her space with the risk of losing her forever (or at least until this relationship fails again with Chris) or fight like hell to win/keep her in my favor? There are other dating "experts" out there that go from one extreme (i.e. NO contact for a month and make her miss you) to others that recommend the flowers, cards, phone calls, compliments, reminders of special times. Right now, Tonja is on the fence and cries everytime she sees me but seems to be gravitating toward him. What is the right thing to do? I AM MISERABLE!!!

Dan

Dear Dan,

Tonja doesn’t love you.

Hate to be the one to tell you, but, well, you did ask.

And even if she does love you – even if your relationship was as great as you said it was - you’re clearly ignoring some pretty big stuff.

Namely, that Tonja is a terrible girlfriend.

Now don’t get all defensive on me. I’m sure she’s a charmer. But it seems to me that there are a few things that are supposed to differentiate a girlfriend. Here’s a very simple list I came up with:

• A girlfriend is committed to you.

• A girlfriend tries to make you happy.

• A girlfriend makes you feel special.

• A girlfriend spends a lot of time with you.

• A girlfriend sleeps with you.

• A girlfriend allows you to feel vulnerable and safe at the same time.

Okay, so if that’s what a good girlfriend does, let’s look at what a bad girlfriend does. Just for the hell of it, let’s name her “Tonja”.

A bad girlfriend…

• Responds repeatedly to emails, calls, and texts by an ex-boyfriend.

• Maintains feelings for an ex-boyfriend while she’s supposedly in a committed relationship.

• Makes her ex-boyfriend seem like more of an attractive option than her current boyfriend.

• Cries every time she sees her current boyfriend.

Are you seeing it yet, Dan?

You have a bad girlfriend….

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