Apr27
On the Rebound
I have a friend who’s recently widowed. He’s in his mid 40’s, not ready to get into another relationship, but wants to meet someone online for some companionship, hanging out, maybe even sex. Have you ever written anything on the subject of looking for something “light” online, not necessarily looking for love? Thanks. Barbara
Dear Barbara,
I’ve never written anything about this before, which is why I’m writing about it now.
Part of the reason your question is particularly useful is that it punctures a big fat hole in the concept that there’s something deficient in a man who isn’t looking for love. Nobody can blame this man for just wanting to keep it light after a period of mourning. The truth is, he probably has very little to give right now, and having a casual relationship would be the best course of action for all parties involved.
This echoes a conversation I had yesterday with someone who is involved with a man who is separated from his wife. Both of them have strong feelings for each other, but they recognize that the situation is fraught with danger. Not because he’s going to go back to his wife (he’s not), but because the guy hasn’t had any breathing room since his failed marriage.
Alison Armstrong talks in her seminars about how men need decompression time after work. You can’t expect them to just turn off their brains and instantly focus on relationship conversation - which is why he’ll often be silent in the car when you want to talk. I think the same thing applies to decompression time after a relationship, and not just for men.
People need time to be single. People need time to reassess their lives. People need to make the stupid mistakes that all of us single people have made before - acting like a fool on an online dating site, trying too hard to impress someone, worrying about whether you made a good impression, waking up in the bed of a total stranger… Only when they’ve gone through that process can they reach the place where they’re ready to settle down again. Otherwise, you end up as the serial monogamist who goes from relationship to relationship and can’t forge any identity as a single person. Not that this is a crime, mind you, but I think it’s safe to say that healthy single people make for healthier couples.
No matter how you look at it, a widower is bound to be damaged by his loss, so give him his space to figure himself out.
Once again, I’ve diverged from the original question to make a point. A person on the rebound isn’t radioactive, but should be approached with caution.
As to how this gentleman should present himself in a dating situation? I would say that he should do pretty much everything that I advise people who are looking for love to do. I mean, if he wants to go to AdultFriendfinder and SexSearch, that’s one thing. But if he’s just looking to date on Match.com or whatever, he should give himself the greatest chance of finding happiness. And if his happiness is three dates a week and a regular booty call, so be it.
The ONLY way, Barbara, that your friend can really screw up is by misrepresenting his intentions. He should never say that he’s looking for love and marriage. He should never waste a woman’s time if she has a ticking clock. In short, he can be a serial dater and still act with integrity. As long as both parties know exactly where he stands - he’s a widower, on the rebound - he’s not doing anything wrong.
Is he obliged to write in his profile, “Just looking for a good time. Nothing serious. Reeling from the death of my wife and want to play around.”? No. That would not make for a very successful ad campaign. But there are no shortage of women on the rebound - young divorcees, for example - who are in the exact same boat as your friend. If I were coaching him, I’d have him focus on dating someone in a similar life position as he is. It’s safe for both of them and could be both healing and fun. And, frankly, I wouldn’t be too surprised if, in the act of casually dating, your friend found someone he really started to care about.
