I‘ve been seeing this girl I met online for about two months. Things are going well and I want to be her boyfriend, but I still notice her logging into the dating site where we met. How can I get her to take her profile down without seeming too pushy?

Jason

Great question, Jason - one that affects everyone who dates online. The thing to realize is that you can’t change anyone else’s behavior. She’s gonna do what she wants to do, same as you are.

The best way to see this clearer is to flip the situation over. If some girl is into you, but you’re not into her, you’re gonna keep browsing online. Doesn’t mean you don’t want to see her, just means you’re looking to trade up. She’s Miss Right Now, not Ms. Right. However, if she refuses to be Miss Right Now and makes it clear that she’ll accept nothing less than a commitment, that’s okay. You’ll wish her the best of luck in her search and you’ll both move on to greener pastures. You have different needs, different goals, different perceptions - no reason for anyone to get hurt.

You’re the girl in this situation. And if you’re unsure of where you stand, the best solution is to bring this to the surface in a confident way. How do you do that?

Take down your profile. Unilaterally.

She’ll notice. She may even say something.

If she does, just let her know that you don’t want to see anyone else. She’ll either think that’s sweet and offer to remove her profile, or she’ll remind you that you’re just “seeing each other” and that she’s not ready to be exclusive. Either way, you have your answer.

I did this three years ago and it worked perfectly. Was dating two women casually. Met a third and was blown away. I dumped the first two and instantly took down my profile for #3. When #3 saw my profile was down, ske asked me why. I told her, matter-of-factly that she was why. What’s the point of me looking for other people when I was into her? Of course, such an admission can be a little intimidating for someone you’ve known for a week.

Which is why I reassured her that she didn’t have to remove her profile. Removing my profile is what I wanted to do. And if she wanted to go out with twenty other JDate guys before taking her profile down, she could. As far as I was concerned, going on a bunch of dates would only reinforce why she should be exclusive with me. Yes, a little ego goes a long way.

Now if you take down your profile and she doesn’t say anything, you might want to step up your efforts to see her more. There are two possible scenarios: 1) she reciprocates in kind, and you become her boyfriend, and 2) she backs away, and you move on. No need to have an uncomfortable “Why is your profile up after two months?” conversation. Actions speak louder than words.

To sum up, the reason her profile is still up is basically one of the below:

1) She’s playing it cool and trying not to act needy. She’s waiting for you to make a commitment to be a boyfriend.

2) She’s just not that into you.

The latter is the more likely scenario. But you never know until you take action.

The good thing is that there’s no downside to pushing things forward. Better to get an answer now than to wait another two months to find out where you stand.

 

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