Aug14
This Guy Loves Talking to Me, But Does Not Want to Be My Boyfriend
Pages: 1 2
Hi Evan,
I met a guy I really liked, whom I was physically attracted to, whom I had a lot in common with intellectually and creatively (we both write). We almost slept together. And then he stopped being flirtatious, but continued to contact me via email and text regularly, talking about film and writing.
I had a feeling he wasn’t interested in me other than as a friend, and gave him many openings for him to tell me so, but he never did. When I confronted him on the phone, he said he’d need a few days before he could tell me what was going on. This sounded so obtuse that I figured it had to be something more complicated than that he was seeing someone else. Two weeks passed, and he finally told me that that was the case - he’d been seeing someone.
Here’s the thing. He tells me he loves talking to me. He’s physically attracted to me and even desires me sexually. He remembers what I say and asks me about my life. He tells me his ideas and asks me about mine. But he does not want me as his girlfriend.
As I mentioned at the beginning, this is not the first time this has happened to me. So, what gives?
I had always thought that the ideal girlfriend/boyfriend is someone whom you consider a best friend whom you also want to sleep with. Am I wrong? If he treats me like a best friend, and also desires me, what’s missing?
Robyn
Dear Robyn,
Are you familiar with Occam’s Razor? It’s the principle that "All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best." I think you’re ignoring the simplest solution to what’s missing in your relationship.
Attraction.
Now I say this without knowing his side of the story. I say this despite your claims that he’s attracted to you. I say this because when you’re grasping for answers as to what went wrong, you deserve a logical answer.
So here’s my logic:
Most men just need to know that you have a pulse.
It’s easy for most men to find a woman that they’re attracted to.
It’s much harder to find a woman who we enjoy talking to, who we pay attention to, who we want to share our ideas with. In fact, most single men who value those traits complain that it’s the main reason they’re still single. Lots of women are hot. Few are hot and interesting.
Thus, if you’re meeting all of his deeper desires and he STILL chooses not to lock you up as his girlfriend, it stands to reason that there’s something fundamentally missing. My guess is attraction.
This may fly in the face of what you’ve experienced with him, so let me explain further.
Most women need to be attracted to a guy AND have feelings for him to take him home. Most men just need to know that you have a pulse. …
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice
Read More...
- How Can You Tell If Your Boyfriend Really Loves You?
- Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Tell Me That He Loves Me?
- My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend!
- My Boyfriend is Wonderful, but Not Ambitious or Successful
- Should I Marry A Man Who Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me?
x Aug 14th 2008 at 09:08 am 1
I don’t know about this one, there seems to be some mysterious X-factor in play when it comes to whether or not men will want to be your boyfriend. I’ve been in situations in the past where a guy will want me so bad he can’t stay away from me, we get along great as friends, but still not want to be in an actual relationship with me. It was really really frustrating. I guess the only thing to do is realize that if a guy wants to date you, he will be dating you, and if he’s not jumping to date you, forget him.
Loving Annie Aug 14th 2008 at 09:18 am 2
Basically, this man is a liar if he is saying he is attracted to you and desires you - and then just backs out and wants you as a friend.
That is cruel and selfish, and makes him untrustworthy.
It’s got to hurt to have confusing double messages like that, but I think you deserve better than to be used - and that’s what he’s doing now. Let him go be friends with someone else, and you go date someone who wants to make you number one in his life, and who makes love to you - and doesn’t just talk about it.
Evan may well be right that the man isn’t attracted to you - but then he should have had the decency to not ever say he did. You don’t change your minbd about having chemistry with someone - you either do or you don’t, and this guy misled you when he thought maybe he might want to get you into the sack.
When he decided against it, now he wants to be friends.
If you can’t trust him to be genuine about one thing, how can you ever trust him to be genuine about being friends either and not change his mind ? Get rid of him. Friends isn’t all you want, so don’t settle for crumbs/being/ second-best and have the humiliation of hearing him talk about other women when he meets someone else.
Honey Aug 14th 2008 at 09:23 am 3
What Evan says may be true, I don’t know (and, as he admits, neither does he). But he SAID he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend, so does it really matter why? As long as he’s treating you like a friend, treat him like one.
NewWrldYankee Aug 14th 2008 at 10:03 am 4
Whoa, Evan, that was so deep…Sorry, had to be said =p.
But I really do think you are right, If he is not starting a relationship with you and is dating someone else, that is a pretty clear signal. I would suggest be happy that you have such a great friend to talk to and get “guy advice” from and find someone who wants you just as much as you want them. It is what you want, and more so, deserve
Cathouse Teri Aug 14th 2008 at 10:06 am 5
Even is right. There is no way to anticipate or manipulate attraction. And there is also no reason to take it personally when someone is not attracted to you “in that way.” (He’s obviously attracted to you intellectually, etc.) For whatever reason, he has chosen to become involved with the other person he has been seeing. And yes, it could be that it is just the path of least resistance. Who knows?
If this keeps happening to you, it’s only because everyone struggles with finding someone they connect with on a number of levels. And then hoping that this same someone is willing to do what is required to develop a relationship. A lot of hope involved, and a lot of failure. But again, take none of this personally.
Move on. TONS of great guys out there to share the pleasure of your company with.
Kris Aug 14th 2008 at 11:43 am 6
If these assertions have actually been made by the man, “He’s physically attracted to me and even desires me sexually.” then he just doesn’t want to risk changing horses in mid-stream. Many men, and women, will play it safe with what they’ve got. Some, also, are attracted to relationships where they are manipulated to hang in there. If all you want is a friendship with this man, great! You’ve found a great friend. If you want more, end it. Maybe that sounds severe, but you will get what you settle for. When I was a more “prolific” dater I found men were more interested in a woman who had the courage of her convictions. Think about what your own relationship goals are and how you can care for yourself best. Moving toward those goals will either cause this man to make a choice in your favor, or he will drift out of your life, which is as it should be with someone not willing to commit to you, but who keeps jerking your chain making statements like the above and paying a lot of attention to you. Sounds torturous.
Good luck!
~Kris
JuJu Aug 14th 2008 at 12:09 pm 7
Then what exactly is pushing him to say that he “sexually desires” her? It’s not the kind of thing you just say when prompted.
I am not claiming that this must mean necessarily that he IS attracted, but there might be a possibility that he really isn’t the wonderful person she thinks he is.
zann Aug 14th 2008 at 12:39 pm 8
Robyn — Wow. This letter could have been from me. Thanks for putting it out there. And Evan: thanks for your answer, but I’m still baffled. I would love nothing more than to figure out why so many guys seem to enjoy writing to me, reading my writing, talking to me, meeting up with me, going out with me to a wide variety of cultural events, complimenting me, flirting with me, and seem to enjoy being seen with me, and yet. . . . when it comes to choosing me as an intimate other, a girlfriend, a partner, it’s “gee, I just don’t think so.” BUT they are quick to tell me how much they value our friendship and want to continue it because I’m so fun, interesting, cool, smart, creative, yada yada yada. I’m to the point where I feel like my fate is to have lots of interesting guy friends but no boyfriend, lifemate, significant other or whatever you want to call it. So, Evan, are you saying a guy can find a woman to have depth, personality, intelligence, warmth, and generousity, and even also find her physically desirable, but still not be “attracted” to her as a partner? Is this mysterious “attraction” you speak of really that elusive & impossible to define? Or could it be that men fear having the whole package — you know, the woman who’s got her shit together and is secure about it, who also is warm, funny, optomistic, interesting AND whom he also finds physically desirable?? If so, would a man ever admit to that fear? Even to himself?
LJ Aug 14th 2008 at 01:52 pm 9
Or it could be that he just can’t “get it up” and he doesn’t want to admit it.
JB Aug 14th 2008 at 02:21 pm 10
I have a lot of women I “love talking to” but have absolutely NO desire to kiss them, touch them or see them naked under MOST circumstances …lol They ARE and for the most part ALWAYS will be in the “friend zone”. And it’s the opposite for a few women & me and there’s nothing I can do about it except not give them any of my valuable time etc… I say “hello” then move onto women that DO show interest.
Believe me if I or any other man has REAL interest in a woman they will KNOW it.
MC Aug 14th 2008 at 02:27 pm 11
I’ve had a similar experience to Robyn’s recently, although we never were close to go to bed together. He would spend most of his time with me, enjoying my company, laughing at my comments, convincing everybody around me he had romantic feelings for me…
Well, he didn’t and he said it very clearly. He thinks I’m cool, I’m great, he feels very lucky for being my friend but… he doesn’t feel “that way”. I think Evan is right here, and it’s hard to accept. But Robyn: once you understand this is the only way things are you’ll be happy, because you’ll be closer to understand (or accept) that men are just different.
As for me, I’ve decided to not try to analyze as before. If a guy has feelings for me, according to Evan, he will let me know in time. Oh, and for the record, he is still single, so am I, and he keeps calling me and seeing me as much as before… But I’ve promised myself I won’t let any other guy confuse me!
Jennifer Aug 14th 2008 at 04:41 pm 12
When a man really likes you, is attracted to you and wants you to be his girlfriend, you don’t have to ask, you will know because he will let you know. Think of how much easier a relationship is when you don’t have to feel insecure, wait for him to figure out his feelings, feel like you are being lied to, etc. It sucks that he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend, but he doesn’t. And you shouldn’t try to change his mind because even if you succeed (very slim chance) you still won’t have what you really wanted: someone who is into you enough that you don’t have to chase them down and convince them that you are right for them.
Now, all of the interest that he’s taking in you, talking all the time, asking your opinion etc. i can see how that would be confusing for you. You are probably constantly on the lookout for ’signs’ that he’s changing his mind, or over analyzing his words and actions. That’s gotta be exhausting and disheartening and if I were you, i’d take a break from him.
Ruby Aug 14th 2008 at 06:13 pm 13
I don’t quite agree with Evan’s assessment. Sounds pretty straightforward to me - the guy was already dating someone. He may feel an attraction to you, but I think he’s simply not really available. Keep him as a casual friend if you like, but find someone who is truly unattached. Perhaps he wants to keep you around just in case the other relationship doesn’t work out…I say don’t fall for that. Don”t be so available for this guy to chat with. I’ve been there - trust me, you will be wasting your time.
B Aug 14th 2008 at 06:48 pm 14
I have found that if you really want to meet someone, it is best not to pursue a friendship with these types of guys, as nice as it migh be to be “friends” with them. You waste too much time trying to figure out why this guy who you get along with so great doesn’t “like” you, AND it takes an unneccessary toll on your self esteem. It’s better to focus your “friendship” energy on your girlfriends and your guy friends who you are not attracted to, and also spend your time putting yourself out there to meet someone available who is attracted to you.
hunter Aug 14th 2008 at 06:52 pm 15
Sounds like a sensitive man to me, and he was turned “off” by something she said.
downtowngal Aug 14th 2008 at 07:23 pm 16
Evan you’re making this sound waaay more complicated than it actually is.
Remember that letter you posted recently about the woman who was dating this incredible guy but he wasn’t fully committing to her, only calling sporatically, seeing her once a week and sending mixed signals? You said he was using her.
Robyn’s guy’s doing the same thing to her. It doesn’t sound as if she’s fallen into the ‘friend zone’, because he said he ‘desires her sexually’. It sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. Perhaps there’s somethig missing from his relationship that’s causing him to seek friendship from Robyn. Or he has intimacy issues and for some reason doesn’t want to have a relationship with a woman who is his intellectual equal.
If a guy is happy in a relationship he’s not going to want to spend so much time with another woman.
Bottom line is that this guy’s being a selfish asshole. Robyn, if you’re not getting what you want from this guy then move on, there’s nothing you can do to change him.
A-L Aug 15th 2008 at 03:23 am 17
I’m wondering, did the guy tell her he found her sexually attractive, or is this the OP’s opinion? Let’s read what she says:
Here’s the thing. He tells me he loves talking to me. He’s physically attracted to me and even desires me sexually. He remembers what I say and asks me about my life. He tells me his ideas and asks me about mine. But he does not want me as his girlfriend.
The only thing it’s clear that he’s said is that he loves talking to her. It appears that everything after that statement is the OP’s opinion. That first statement does not make him some sleazy, using guy. It makes it seem as though Evan’s point is that much more likely. He enjoys talking to her and enjoyed the time that she was “available” but is not attracted to her. And he now likes her well enough that he doesn’t want to use her in a friends with benefits way, as he doesn’t see it ever becoming more than that.
What does cause a question mark on this guy is his behavior while he was still seeing someone. He’s texting, e-mailing, flirting, and almost sleeping with another girl. Granted, it sounds like his relationship may have been on the rocks, but at least end it before you move on to someone else.
My $0.02.
Jennifer Aug 15th 2008 at 04:45 am 18
One thing in the letter to me that stood out to me, ‘he desires her sexually’ yet they stopped short of sleeping with each other. And haven’t found themselves in that position again. Either he doesnt’ want to cheat on his real girlfriend (possible, but i don’t think it’s the true reason with this guy) or he doesn’t ‘desire’ her all that much. Guys who ‘desire’ women don’t spend all of their time talking to them and no time trying to see them. Not a lot of romantic stuff for Robyn to hang her hat on here.
Marc Aug 15th 2008 at 07:50 am 19
I’m with downtowngal. Sounds like he’s using you to so he can feel like he has options. Even if he has no intention, or even desire to cheat on his girlfriend, he wants to know that he can….Yeah, guys do shit like that.
Loving Annie Aug 15th 2008 at 04:59 pm 20
LJ and downtowngal - thank you !!!!! Robyn, they are probably BOTH right !
BA Aug 15th 2008 at 05:12 pm 21
It could be as simple as the guy was casually dating two women (nothing wrong with that), slept with one and then put the brakes on with the other afterwords. He doesn’t want to completely break it off because he likes you and wants to keep you as a friend. You and he might share a common bond of some type but he has a sexual bond with her. It’s apples and oranges - the two can’t be compared evenly. She might be absolutely amazing in bed. I can’t speak for women, but as a guy, if I’m having really great sex it would take a lot to get me to break up with a girl. Actually, if I’m getting any sex at all I would be reluctant to break up.
If you’re truly interested in this guy, I would keep your distance and limit your contact. As long as he’s sleeping with her and getting his intellectual stimulation from you, he has no reason to date you exclusively. Once you’re out of the picture for a while he might get bored with her and realize what he’s missing. My parents started dating about 45 years ago under very similar circumstances.
hunter Aug 17th 2008 at 12:24 pm 22
Loving Annie on post # 20
You maybe right, not all women give guys erections!……….LOL!…..OMG!….
Lance Aug 17th 2008 at 05:46 pm 23
The letter isn’t really about the guy being available, unavailable, or a douche, it’s really about Robyn the letter writer. Notice she mentions in her second to last para that “this has happened to her before.” What she really wants to know is how to attract the right men and what to do to find them.
We know virtually nothing about Robyn, but I’d guess there are issues there are holding her back from attracting them she wants. She should examine her presentation (looks and dress), how she projects herself sexually, and what kind of connection she forms when initially meeting men. If you want to attract a man as a sexual partner, then you need to establish a sexual tone at some point. Also, is she going out to meet the right guys? Just a couple of thoughts.
Lance Aug 17th 2008 at 05:49 pm 24
Also wanted to respond to Teri’s comment #5. Attraction CAN be anticipated and manipulated. That’s the bread and butter of any pickup or social artist.
Jojo Aug 17th 2008 at 08:38 pm 25
At least this guy was honest about the other girl. He didn’t have to say anything about her and could have kept talking to you and misleading you. It seems that he likes getting sex from the other girl and likes talkking to you. Since you like this guy, I would keep my distance because talking to him will keep you from looking for someone that really wants to be with you. I was in a situation where the guy loved talking to me and we would talk for hours on the phone. We went on some dates and we did have sex. It didn’t seem like he put effort into spending time with me even though he lived an hour away from me. I felt like I always had to initiate when we would see each other. When I finally talked to him about it, he told me that he does what he can. I never undrstood how he liked talking to me and even enjoyed sex with me, but would not make the effort to spend time with me. I just called it off and told him I didn’t want a phone relationship. When someone lies you, they will make the effort. I stopped speaking to him all together because I didn’t want to set myself up. It’s best to keep your distance and if he cares, he knows where to find you!
downtowngal Aug 18th 2008 at 05:05 pm 26
L J, I think you’re right, it could be that Robyn’s allowing her expectations to get in the way here. Not that this guy is a saint, but that it seems to be a pattern with her. Perhaps Robyn’s being too giving and having expectations about the wrong guys.
Robyn, I suggest you decide what you want and act accordingly. Easier said, I’m sure, but if this guy’s not giving you what you want, he won’t change so you should move on.
Cute Redhead Aug 18th 2008 at 06:04 pm 27
In a way I’m just thinking “who cares what’s going on with this guy.” Really — he probably doesn’t even know himself. People do and say all kinds of weird things, especially where sex and romance are concerned. What’s troubling is that the OP even cares enough about it to write in. I do understand that mixed signals are maddening and, in an odd way, fascinating. An analogy: If you were struggling on a trek through a desert and spied an Evian bottle in the distance you’d be all excited. But if when you reached it and it were empty, would you keep trying to get drops out of it? And then obsess about why it was empty?
“Maybe it evaporated. But the cap was on! Can that happen?”
“I bet someone else drank it. People in the desert are so selfish!”
“Maybe when it came out of the bottling place in France it was empty and the QC person didn’t notice!”
“Now why don’t they have watering stations here in the desert, like they do at marathons. Life would be so much better!”
Except that it isn’t any better than what it is — it just what it is. The guy is a desert.
hunter Aug 18th 2008 at 08:10 pm 28
I like the Evian water bottle analogy…..
hunter Aug 18th 2008 at 08:15 pm 29
Many of us guys are the desert. Most of us remain there, ’cause the average man does not study relationships/human behaviour. And to top off, the few of us that do, rarely find answers…..
LJ Aug 19th 2008 at 11:39 pm 30
Post 27 Cute Redhead,
Isn’t that the definition for insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. We ALL do this occasionally because we want a different result so badly, because we can see ourself being really happy with this person, etc. It’s a very normal experience to have.
And if it troubles you so much that the OP wrote in about it, then why do you read a dating advice column? Just sayin…
The Baltimore Babe Aug 20th 2008 at 06:16 am 31
All very good advice above. Keep the guy has a contact, but pull back on the communication and go out with the girls for a couple weekends in a row. Go out to dinner with the gals and just keep too ‘busy’ for this guy. Along the way, Robyn will regain her confidence, have fun, and may meet someone new and interesting…
C. Crestwood Aug 20th 2008 at 10:13 pm 32
I think really whats going on here is two things: The man she had the attraction to probably already was courting the other woman. I myself find that although I may have a woman I’m dating I will still find that there are a lot of interesting attractive women out there I love to be around, and yes I am intersted in going physical. However I have the respect to the girl I’m dating that unless the second option is a lot better and possibly easier than what I have then there is no reason to get rid of what I have. Lazyness drives all of us to a point and its nothing personal.
Second, is it possible you came on as desperate? After only a little time you confronted him on the phone with the horrible phrase “What are we?” I personally find this as a red flag. I want to be somewhat casual with a girl and if she brings that up too soon I will cut ties, because then I know she will want to rush into everything else, moving in, getting married, and having kids. Personally if thats not what I want right now I don’t want someone trying to pressure me into it.
-C. Crestwood.
Cute Redhead Aug 21st 2008 at 07:14 am 33
LJ: It doesn’t “trouble” me.
Rynn Aug 21st 2008 at 11:10 am 34
Relationships between guys and girls are always complicated. It never fails that one person is always more into the relationship than the other. The situation varies either one is feeling the chemistry while the other is feeling the friend vibe.
I constantly was encountering this in the dating world. I just recently joined one of those dating services and men and women are open about what they want. Before you meet someone you get a look at them - personal life - what they want out of relationship. From there you say yes or no to meeting them. If you aren’t interested after meeting them your open and honest about it before it goes further. It seriously eliminates the heartache.
LJ Aug 22nd 2008 at 05:36 am 35
Cute Redhead…go back and read your post, these were your words…
What’s troubling is that the OP even cares enough about it to write in.
Cute Redhead Aug 22nd 2008 at 11:19 pm 36
LJ: Maybe we’re just parsing words here, but I don’t see how you got from my saying something is “troubling” (to me a minor throw-away comment) to the OP’s contribution being something that “troubles me so much.” It doesn’t “trouble me so much.” It doesn’t trouble me at all. You exaggerated my degree of discomfort with the situation and I felt sufficiently troubled by that to correct you.
Anony Mononny Aug 26th 2008 at 07:54 pm 37
I’m a young woman who has a tendency to over-analyze things, big or small, to the point of exhaustion (and the exasperation of my peers). If I were Robyn, I’d cut the bastard loose; if he wants an intellectual equal to talk to, he should go find someone where attraction doesn’t even fit into the equation (i.e. a male friend).
Selena Aug 31st 2008 at 06:00 pm 38
I agree with the posters who have suggested he was casually dating Robyn and someone else (perhaps more than one?) at the same time and picked the other one for romantic purposes. I’ve been in situations like this before–both as the one who was “picked”, as well as being the one who wasn’t. Always a disappointment when you think the guy really likes you and you find out –uh, well, he likes someone else more.
Robyn, I think all this “talk”, intellectual stimulation, is merely this guy’s way of keeping you “on the back burner” in case his current relationship doesn’t work out. If you are okay with that, fine. If you can ‘just be friends’ with him, fine also. But if you are really attracted to him, your sanity is better served by making yourself unavailable to him. And as far as this having happened before–it really is simply a matter of finding that person who connects with you on ALL levels and that can mean getting 10 -20 “No’s” before getting a “Yes!”. Try to be patient. You will find the guy who picks you over anyone else.
Julia Sep 29th 2008 at 05:57 pm 39
I think that guy is attracted. I just think he is keeping his options open. probably flirting around, trying to find the best match for him…trying to figure out things before he commits to you. he is quite smart, you should do the same!!
enjoy the friendship, it is how the greatest love stories grow…why look for a ridiculous label for it “boyfriend-girlfriend” & “dating” are notions that didn’t even exist back in our grandparents days. just enjoy the friendship, go out, live your life and see where everything leads. stop having expectations!! learn to love someone without expecting something in return from them, without it being necessary to fit into a description of something you have to label and must explain to others.
victoria Sep 30th 2008 at 02:24 pm 40
Oh Julia, what a lovely thing to say ” ..learn to love someone without expecting something in return from them…” that is so soothing a comment, oh it is…
lisa Oct 3rd 2008 at 12:19 am 41
Yeah I’m in the same sitation, except we are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship , however I can tell there’s no future for us as getting married one day, having kids etc. He just isn’t attracted to me enough…
Julia’s comment is plain ridiculous, absurd. Personally I don’t think you attitude is healthy. Everybody wants and needs to be loved back.
As for my situation, I’m ok now, but once I or my boyfriend meet someone special ( I’d say the One ) our relationship will have to be terminated.
You can’t make someone to love you.
Zann Nov 18th 2008 at 03:06 pm 42
After reading more of these comments over the months, I’d like to add another. I don’t think there’s anything ridiculous OR absurd about Julia’s comment (#39). It’s a healthy, mature way to look at all relationships. But it may be a matter of your age, experience and where you are in your life. At my age (50s), I’ve learned I can be friends with a man who, for whatever reason, is not attracted to me — for whatever reason — the same way I am to him. If we click enough to have a respectful, fun friendship, it’s worth it to me to remain friends, because true friendships are hard to come by. In the meantime, though, I don’t stop looking for a man who wants more with me. I don’t see this as making myself too available or disrespecting myself. I benefit from it, and I know that if this particular friendship didn’t evolve into something intimate, then there’s another, or many, out there that will. But I want to point out one added perk I’ve discovered in staying friends with a man I thought I wanted more from, and that is that the more time I spend with him, the more real he becomes — less of a romantic icon or fantasy and more of a human, flaws exposed. And in a couple of cases, it was during that friendship that I realized he was not the romantic match I thought he was, and I can be happy for him if he finds love with someone else. I never thought I’d get to this point in my life, and it probably won’t work for everyone in every situation. But I don’t feel tortured, used, or longing for more in these friendships. I just feel satisfied. Go figure.