Comments on: What Do You Say After A First Date With No Chemistry?

By: Dating Tips

Dating Tips — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:48:45 +0000

ok, the best solution to this is not say anything. I usually say, I had a great time, thank you very much, drive safe. The guy should know that if I am in a hurry to take off, that means I am not interested. If he does insist on getting an answer from me on the spot whether I want to see him again, I say, “call me”. When I am interested, I am more open to the discussion about a second date. I say something like, sure it would be great. People need to be able to read between the lines

By: Stephen

Stephen — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 04:18:54 +0000

we were talking and before we said goodbye, our eyes met and we went in to kiss and our lips met and interjoined for about 2 seconds then we started to pull back - looked into each other’s eyes and it pulled us back again, we did the same thing again for about 3 full seconds this time with more pressure and then a third time same thing for full three seconds and i didn’t lead it…it seemed like i would screw it up if i had opened my mouth. then with glazy eyes, we smiled at each other. it gave me the impression in the moment things were good. in hindsight, this was really the goodbye moment and I didn’t get it. –anyway, you asked.

but we were on i think 4 drinks over three hours.

By: JuJu

JuJu — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 23:05:21 +0000

Stephen,

why were the kisses dry?

That seems to me the weirdest thing from your story.

By: m

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 20:49:26 +0000

“I’m far from where I want to be, and those I date know it.”

I don’t think they’re the only ones.

By: Stephen

Stephen — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:45:58 +0000

friends, friends—I used the inferior genes term to be harsh. rejection is harsh. nature is harsh. science says all the time that our attraction based on pheromones and other things draws us to those with very different DNA than our own and also what our chemical make-up deems to be the most superior genes. our brain does this by telling us—that man’s gate is not to be spawned. Do you understand? I’m saying we are human and don’t need to abide by these initial mind tricks.

(sigh) I’ll withdraw. I think it’s best I don’t respond to anymore about this. What I’ve said so far isn’t making any good points because you assume I’m shallow. I’m not, but my sense of humor might be considered by you to be shallow.

What I did learn about myself from this is that I should reconsider what is really the most important thing to me…falling in love or my own ego. It’s easy to say it’s falling in love, but hard for me in practice. I’m far from where I want to be, and those I date know it.

By: Stephen

Stephen — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 19:32:29 +0000

dear m-

it’s fair you took everything I wrote literally…I thought it was a little better written so as to be received universally as ironically humorous when I’m clearly asking for second chances and sensitivity while saying I think men and women need to look past idiosyncrasies and then I give examples in a way a person might at first perceive them to show I sympathize with someone who might be so put off by someone’s gate.

i tried to say without saying literally for emphasis that maybe what we initially perceive as inferior genes shows our own inferiority because of our own lack of larger vision…our instincts to see trees but not the forest

and the misspelling of gate didn’t require its own bullet in your response. you go from that to telling me you have much to offer on “physiological responses that go into triggering attraction based on movement” though you “won’t go into it” because you fear I am too shallow.

i don’t know if this conversation took a nose dive at my entry or yours. I think it started with mine.

what I am about to say is sarcasm intended for humor’s sake only—please stop reading if you are easily offended:

I thought about misspelling everything in this entry to prove you understand everything I say no matter what the spelling while at the same time giving you a brain aneurism. I’m sure it’d be an interesting case study watching you untangle Christmas tree lights.

By: Selena

Selena — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 18:06:20 +0000

Stephen–

You’ve slept with some of the “hottest lays out there” and you want so much more, but it will probably come from someone with “inferior genes”? Good God! If you really think that way I bet you are sending out a vibe that nudges women to run the other way. Fast. Ugh.

By: m

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 09:09:30 +0000

Stephen - a few things.

1) If you “monologue”, you’re not dialoguing. That means there is only 1 person in the conversation, not 2. Not conducive to chemistry with women.

(Plus, dude, you took up TWO WHOLE COMMENT BOXES to say what you had to say. Do you ever consider that you might be boring someone? Or do you not care ’cause you’re just so fascinating? /sarcasm)

2) If you monologued AT her, instead of talking TO her, just because she said “you’re brilliant; I love how you think” doesn’t mean she meant it.

(God, if the woman just looks like a 10 to you guys, you men will believe anything, won’t you?!?)

3) If you refer to women as the “hottest lays” and/or in possession of “inferior genes”, I’m wondering in what universe you believe a woman is going to feel chemistry for you.

4) It’s “gait”, not “gate”, when you’re talking about watching someone walk. There are a lot of physiological responses that go into triggering attraction based on movement, but I won’t go into it; I’m a little worried you’d be too shallow to be interested.

What you say to a woman matters. How you say it matters. (I know some of you guys have a tough time wrapping your minds around that one b/c you’re very blunt and insulting when you talk to each other. Between yourselves, you see it as affectionate. Women generally do NOT, not so much.)

Whether you behave like what the woman thinks — not just about you, either, dude, but about other things in life generally — matters to you, also matters.

If you really “want so much more”, as you say, you may want to ruminate a little on all that.

By: Stephen

Stephen — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 03:04:45 +0000

and one more thing, I’m totally with JuJu on criticisms like the way someone runs and it just being such a turn-off—I feel them too, but come on…is it worth throwing him way? Sometimes a funny run is just that and not actually representative of who he is. Perhaps he’s one of the few who is not self-conscious about his appearance. I mean what is really in our poker hand? I’m goodlooking, many consider very goodlooking, some say I’m hot - my date even said I was hot!—But I’m not Brad Pitt, and I don’t have his money either, hence my squirrelliness when I like someone. Unless you’re a 10 out of 10, I think you’re going to be single if you let yourself focus on a man’s gate…his gate won’t be what makes a lasting healthy relationship. and even if you are a 10 out of 10, beauty fades fast and money can’t buy you love. I’ve slept with the hottest lays out there–I want so much more and I think it’s going to come from someone of inferior genes who developed other good qualities.

Also, in order to address the conversation, I would have preferred to hear, “This didn’t go in a romantic direction for me and I can’t see how it will.” This makes it about the you and leaves out the other person’s possible faults. No chemistry made me feel like I have cooties or something–only for a nanosecond =)

By: Stephen

Stephen — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 02:42:29 +0000

Every one here seems to be honest with good additions to this conversation. I admit I am biased as I’ll explain in a moment, but it doesn’t surprise me at all that Tom seems to be one of the only ones in this discussion who got what it seems we all want–a good relationship so we can stop having these first dates. This idea that a couple should want to feel joined at the hip right away is immature. I used to feel that way, but I don’t anymore. 90% of the best and lasting relationships I know of did not start with strong romantic chemistry, just good company. I’m biased because I was recently told ‘lack of chemistry’ several days after a second date. We met online and chatted for hours. I am considered by my friends to be a very confident man, but I have built this reputation because I need it. During real vulnerable moments liking walking in to the restaurant and seeing my date and realizing I am very attracted–I crumble. As Leslie stated above about what she is not attracted to–I couldn’t have been fussier or more squirrelly. And again, I’m considered to have a very masculine gate and dignified appearance and am graceful…not with this date. And it’s always the ones I like. I monologued for hours to which my date responded with intrigue and fascination and encouraged me with ‘you’re so brilliant–I love how you think’ Then a second date and I told myself to chill out and remember to keep the conversation a ping pong match like our initial online chats. I arrived first and when my date got there, again I crumbled. More intense conversation never going toward flirtation although we touched each others legs and gawked at others together. My date said, next time we get together, I want to be alone with you, watch a movie with you –yes, let’s get a movie. I was ecstatic. At the end of this second date, we (I thought) magnetically kissed three times, dry but slow and interlocking lips. My date texted me later with ‘Going to sleep alone again =( Sweet dreams.’ My date reciprocated all of my text messages with the same warmth. Then a few days later the dreaded Valentine’s Day was approaching and my date just stopped responding to me. I didn’t know why but could feel it was over. I texted asking my date to consider dinner that night (days before V-day) and my date texted back ‘I have plans tonight. I’ll call you later though.’ Obviously this was a nail in the coffin but my date did call and I asked why the sudden lessening of interest and my date said ‘I was hesitating because I think you’re so brilliant, I’ve never met anyone like you and I still want to watch movies with you and be your friend, but I don’t feel chemistry.’ My date had also (so you understand why I couldn’t understand the change) had asked or made weird jealous comments and questions always asking where I was every phone call, suggesting that the place I said I was didn’t sound like it. And the no chemistry conversation started with ‘Where are you?’ I said, ‘In my car.’ and to reciprocate to show I cared (although I think where are you is innapropriate unless you’re committed and understand eachother), my date replied, ‘Parking with someone on Mulholland.” –uncomfortable pause. Then said, ‘Ha, I’m joking. I’m at home.’ And that was the conversation where I was told no chemistry! Because of the mean streak keeping me dangling, when I was asked, ‘So where are we now, how do you feel, can I still see you?’ I said it didn’t make sense because we weren’t friends, still just aquaintences with things in common and that adding this conversation to the mix, it wouldn’t feel right. And inside I was wishing I had treated this whole thing like a hook-up wishing we had had sex right away and then I could be just a friend–but I didn’t say anything because this one wasn’t just a hook-up for me but because the of the no chemistry conversation which I took very badly–all I heard was, ‘I don’t want your juice any where near me and certainly not inside me!’ I was not forceful in these meetings–as stated, I was a squirrel. In time, I would’ve been able to be my better self and we could have been friends. I feel like the immature expectations of butterflies in the stomach and the lack of imagination for the future and feeling like I was hoping for romance nearing Valentine’s Day made this one want to fend me off but keep me around too and I just think saying no chemistry wasn’t necessary and I feel it ruined something that could have been really good, if even platonic. I’m dating 5 others and I don’t think it’s ironic that I don’t feel chemistry for them, although I still have sex with them because it’s so easy to be around them and they’re attracted to me physically because I’m not a squirrel around them. I’m just saying that I’m with Tom and recommend that if you like your date, if you have common goals and compatible lifestyles and they intrigue you and you find them attractive but have a hard time envisioning sex with them (you think of them as a sibling), why not keep them on your radar? I didn’t have passion for this one either, but think we would have made good companions and it made me nervous. (sigh) rejection sucks.