I’m still glad I held my tongue and just broke things off. (I think I was fairly balanced in the way I told him that I was simply looking for something different in a relationship.) I believe it would have been an uphill battle to change the situation.

I think the other lesson I learned here was to listen to my gut, especially when it seems to have common sense on its side.

If anything, this might be a case of Valerie’s gut instincts being on target, but who knows? What if it had gone the other way? A cautionary tale to be sure.

“The original poster wrote that her boyfriend does not act like his friends and does not seem to be influenced by them”

You just gonna let this hang on out there? Still so sure this is the case?

Valerie, I’m sorry for what happened. I think women in this culture are so influenced to bite their tongues, and not comment on the anti-social (and often dangerous bordering on fatal, like the drunk driving thing) to avoid being branded “not nice”, or at worst, “the bitch”.

All for pointing out that someone else’s behavior might just suck, to the point of wreaking horrible havoc in other people’s lives. (People they care about, even! Frequently those people get the worst of it!) ‘Cause you can’t tell them anything; they’re always right, can’t tell THEM what to do!!!

I hope your dynamics are different next time.

Sometimes it can be confusing when it comes to a guy friends. Because as a general rule YOU ARE like the people you hang around.

My initial response to your post was actually .. you should accept his friends the way that they are .. or not date him at all.

And i was going to bring up a point about not changing him and what not.

I’m very glad that you did everything you could to respect who he is as a person and I’m glad that you had the self esteem to know that you deserve so much better!!

You go girl

Hot Alpha Female

htp://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

All told, I never once said a thing to this guy about his friends, because I was thoroughly paranoid that my doing so would be subject to the unfair speculation (a-la-Verbosity) that I was “engaging in some unconscious effort to see if [my] boyfriend would choose his friends over [me]“. I kept my feelings to myself entirely. I tried to have plans with my girlfriends
when it looked like I’d be spending time with his friends. I was cordial to his pals when in their company. Still, I started to notice my boyfriend’s behavior changing, presumably because he was starting to get comfortable and didn’t feel the need to be on his best behavior around me.

Here is the short list: He got behind the wheel and drove home stinking drunk after a night out with his buddies. He lied to help his best friend cover for
cheating on a girlfriend. He loaned the same guy “get-laid-with-someone-new”
money that he’ll probably never see again. He joined in when his friend ridiculed an opinion of mine (which he happened to agree with, by the way). Finally, we had to leave early from an expensive concert I paid for because his loud/drunk friend got
ejected; afterwards, he wasn’t the least bit apologetic about it.

Perhaps the mature thing would have been to have the discussion about his friends at least once to give him the chance to say something on his own behalf. But
I guess I just realized I really didn’t have the energy or will to make things work with this man. I didn’t feel it would be worth it to criticize him if I was just going to break up with him anyway.

So, if there’s anything to take away from this experience, maybe the absence of healthy friendships shouldn’t count against a potential mate. But from now on, I think I’m going to add the quality of one’s friendships (a subjective assessment, I know) to my list of Highly Desirable Traits In A Man from now on.

Fondly,
Valerie

But no matter what, these people still had value to us–we liked them flaws and all.

Did you ever watch the old sitcom “Leave It To Beaver”? The neighborhood kid, Eddie Haskell, was often the impetus of getting the poor Beav into trouble for going along with his schemes. The Beav was basically naive and didn’t catch on to what Eddie was reeling him into until too late. Again and again. The Beav ofcourse was a child.

As a adults we are more cognizant of our choices, good and bad, regardless of the influence of our friends. If Harry jumps off a cliff are we going to follow him? Mm, no. But if we did follow him for whatever reason, the we do so knowing it’s our on folly. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a number of diverse friends over the decades–and not all of them would I choose to be like, though I appreciated them as individuals anyway.

Valerie has said she doesn’t like her boyfriends friends, okay so she doesn’t HAVE TO hang out with them if she doesn’t want to–at least not often anyway. It’s her boyfriend she has choose whether to like or not, that’s the essence and I agree with Verbosity. If she thinks her boyfriend is going to jump off cliffs/cheat/get drunk/develop the habit of arguing controversial opinions just because his friends do then obviously he’s not the guy for her. This based on just what she thinks he MIGHT do.

Personally, I choose my boyfriends on how much I like them as persons. Some of their friends I can just enjoy laughing about.

The original poster wrote that her boyfriend does not act like his friends and does not seem to be influenced by them. Why is it dismissive to suggest a simple solution like her taking a girl’s night out with her crew when her boyfriend wants to spend time with his friends?