Nov02

What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit

08:00 am on Nov 2nd 2007 Evan Marc Katz

Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

Tags: commitment, communication, date, dating, dating tips, Hes Just Not That Into You, relationship advice, relationship tips

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27 Responses to “What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit”

1. My Ghillie » What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit Nov 2nd 2007 at 08:14 am 1

   [...] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerptDear Evan, I have been dating a man for nearly three months now and in the beginning everything was fine between us. He used to do things with me, but I was wondering why he never introduced me to… [[ This is a content summary only. … [...]

2. Zann Nov 2nd 2007 at 12:58 pm 2

   When I read Ingrid’s letter I got that knee-jerk kick in the stomach reaction. Ingrid, I have been there — probably way more times than you, because I’m way old, but when Evan’s right, he’s right. This mirroring concept is as ingenious as it is simple. And it’s pretty easy to remember, although I’m thinking of having it tattooed down my forearm for easy reference. Women are wise to be proactive when it comes to taking control of our lives, getting our share, fostering self-care and self-respect. But it’s easy (for me) to confuse proaction with attempting to take control of a situation that involves another human — more specifically, a human of the opposite gender. I, for one, resist the idea of being a reactionary. I would rather be the one to act, to initiate, to set the pace, because this is how assertive, smart women get counted — in the work world, the job market, politics, the arts, and even in our personal relationships, BUT when you’re first establishing a relationship which you hope will be intimate and lasting, this is one area where to NOT act, not initiate, to sit on your freakin’ hands if you have to, is actually what’s in your best interest. It’s also a loving thing you can do for yourself, if that doesn’t sound too cheesy. The behavior of your man is lame, substandard, or what I call hit-or-miss. I know if you’ve got feelings for the guy, it’s hard to see and there’s a tendency to explain it away, to try to figure it out. Thus, the tattoo idea. Please heed Evan’s advice and get your sweet self on a new path. Don’t waste one more second of worry or self-doubt on someone who brings you mostly unhappiness and who, for whatever his reasons, either can’t or won’t treat you with the care and respect you deserve from another human. You have better plans for yourself. Best of luck.

3. roberto Nov 2nd 2007 at 08:33 pm 3

   ok, but what if you’re doing the mirroring thing, and 1 day she hits you with “it takes so much effort to be with you. Why do I always have to initiate everything?” True story. What should one say then?

4. Evan Marc Katz Nov 2nd 2007 at 08:43 pm 4

   Mirroring is for women, Roberto. Guys have to take the lead. It SHOULDN’T be so much effort to be with you because it’s your job to make her feel secure.

5. lizzy Nov 3rd 2007 at 01:27 pm 5

   I’m kind of in the same situation. However, we’ve been together for about 6 months. Lately, I feel like I’m the one doing all the work. And if I didn’t call to make plans, we’d never see each other. Hell, we wouldn’t even talk to eachother. It sucks because he was my best friend and we finally decided, after 8 years of being really good friends, to give “us” a shot (at his prompting, not mine–but I was totally into the idea).

   I would have rather he said it wasn’t working for him than to completely ignore me for the last month.

   But now I know. And I *do* deserve better than this. I deserve someone who actually *wants to spend time with me*.

   Thanks for the tip Evan. Something to keep in the back of my mind.

6. roberto Nov 3rd 2007 at 02:46 pm 6

   ok, guys need to take the lead. Not the most fair, but that’s the way it goes, so fine. But if a guy doesn’t mirror even a little bit, then how’s he supposed to differentiate between when a girl is “playing hard to get” (for whatever reason) and “just not interested?

7. BK Nov 3rd 2007 at 06:12 pm 7

   I like the idea of ‘Mirroring’; it is an interesting concept and I believe somehow it will work with men. If a girl take the initiative to call me, then there is a higher probability of me calling her back and calling her more; especially if I am fond of her too. I would say it’s the ‘face’ issue as in man want to make sure or confirm that the lady feels the same way about them too before taking action.

   Evan is right about, “Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing”, at least it’s true for me. I am generous with words but end of the day, I am an action man that would rather do it than to say it. However, always practise flexibility. There is no one true case in every situation.

8. hunter Nov 4th 2007 at 07:13 am 8

   from one to three months is the “perfect” period in a relationship. Everything is just right. For some of us, there is nothing wrong with 90 day relationships, so, I am told…..

9. Zann Nov 4th 2007 at 12:40 pm 9

   Roberto - It’s easy to know if a woman isn’t interested in you. You simply take the initiative to call her, and if she never calls you back, then you know. For sure. As for “playing hard to get,” Evan isn’t suggesting woman “play” at anything. He’s suggested that if the man makes a woman feel assured and secure by taking the initiative to contact her, following up on their good times together, it shows her that you’re genuinely interest in her and, 99% of women are going to be very glad to hear from you and admire you for taking that step. What Evan is trying to discourage women from doing is taking the initiave, over and over again, to keep an otherwise lame relationship alive, when really there would be no relationship if she didn’t make the calls, set up the plans, etc. If the woman stops, the relationship stops, and then the woman feels humiliated by her own behavior and hurt because she wanted to believe there was more to it, etc etc.

   And Hunter, you are absolutely right. There IS nothing wrong with 90-day relationships. And think of how many of them you could have over the course of a lifetime! But here’s the thing, most women I know would like to have that kind of information right up front from a man, so by honestly disclosing in your online profile that you’re in it for 3 months, tops, then that’s a clear signal to all those women who also love 90-day relationships that You’re Their Man. Then the women who want something a little more indepth can concentrate on the other men who are also looking for something a little longer, a little deeper. Then everyone’s happy. I know it’s not as fun as turning a woman’s head in that initial “perfect” period, filling her with all that talk about how great she is & how you’re going to have great times in the future, then making your exit when your attention span starts to sputter & your mind to wander, but, well, we all have to make sacrifices. So, Happy Hunting, you 90-day wonder, you!

10. downtowngal Nov 4th 2007 at 05:05 pm 10

    Zann, I think Hunter was joking about the 90-day relationship idea. But let’s say he’s not - in theory it sounds good if someone says upfront that they’re only in for 90 days, but let’s be realisitic - most people aren’t that calculating, and if a guy says this there’s a good chance he wouldn’t get to sleep with her instead of leading her to think that he’ll commit for the long term.

11. WannaGetMatzoBalled Nov 4th 2007 at 06:11 pm 11

    Oy. That sickening realization that the relationship was limping along only through your valiant efforts. And that horrible feeling as you come to grips with it, and start to examine all the instances you should have read the signs, and the humiliation as you realize just how many there were. That’s exactly the feeling we should hang on to when we start to wonder what is going on in a relationship that is going south. Even if the first few slip by, being aware of the realities of the dating world should put it in perspective quickly enough. But we should also be nice to ourselves, because after all, the fact that we can give someone the benefit of the doubt or see the best in others is a strength, not a weakness. It’s not going to kill us that we overlooked some things before we caught on. I think keeping that in mind can take the sting out, at least a little bit, when these situations occur.

12. downtowngal Nov 5th 2007 at 03:54 am 12

    Roberto, I agree with Zann - if a woman complains to you that she’s doing all the work, perhaps you should ask yourself if you are truly interested in being with her or in a relationship at all.

    If a woman wants to be in a serious relationship she’s not going to want to waste her time with a guy who’s not taking the initiative - at least she shouldn’t, that’ what this post is about. And we’re not talking about playing games, it’s things like not calling on a regular basis, not introducing her to friends, mixed messages (coming on strong at first then going awol) etc. Too many of us have met guys we like only to be let down because they’re not committing.

    In my view this is why there are so many single people compared with our parent’s generation (I’m in my late 30’s). So much of the media points fingers to women who have more opportunities than our moms did, but I don’t see as much about men who for whatever reason are afraid to - or don’t want the responibilities of - being in a committed relationship.

13. Zann Nov 5th 2007 at 09:44 am 13

    Yahooo! Thank you WannaBeMatzoBalled. It’s nice to have that reminder about forgiving ourselves when we feel the sting & humiliation of being “fooled yet again” …..realizing, in retrospect, we were blind to the red flags. (Besides red flags are not always red; in fact, sometimes they’re an endearing shade of pale pink, and, thus, appear harmless, maybe even cute…. at the time.) And you know what they say about hindsight. But I’d rather be a person who gives the benefit of the doubt than be paranoid, constantly suspicious, and bitter. I do wonder, however, whether women are more prone to feel empathy than men are, because sometimes it seems this works against us in the minefield of relationships with men.

14. Erika Nov 5th 2007 at 11:01 pm 14

    What I always ask myself in situations like this one is, “Is it reasonable for me to expect x, y, or z?” And I consider the kind of behavior that one could expect in a healthy relationship, and I compare my situation to that. I think it’s so easy for us women to justify the bad behavior of men–in fact, “He’s Just Not That Into You” is full of stories of women who justify the bad behavior of men.

    But if you ask yourself, “Is it reasonable for me to expect someone who loves me to call me a few times a week? Is it reasonable for me to expect them to return my calls in a timely fashion? Is it reasonable to expect to see him every couple of days?”

    Yes! It’s reasonable! It doesn’t mean you’re clingy or dependent. Too often I think we allow this bad behavior because we’re afraid of looking needy.

    There’s nothing wrong with having needs. We all have them. And it’s reasonable for us to expect our partners to try to meet them.

15. Kitty Nov 6th 2007 at 09:33 pm 15

    It’s almost funny that Ingrid has to ask, but I guess when we want to believe something is other than it is, we become blind to the obvious. It’s easier to see it in others than in ourselves. Right on Ev.

16. Xtremely miserable Nov 7th 2007 at 05:57 am 16

    Hi,
    I am in a similar situation except that I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 years. We have been through alot together including 5 years of long distance relationship. 2 years back my boyfriend has the same issue where he just doesn’t return calls or smses when he was studying abroad, i don’t hear from him for weeks and he grew distant. That’s caused our break-up. We got back together 2 months later when he returned to the country. The relationship improved, he calls me regularly without fail, met all my family members, and he was there for me this March when my dad passed away being extremely supportive and even took me on a holiday. My birthday just passed and he planned my birthday celebration with my friends and even mentioned about saving money for wedding funds. But two weeks ago, he started his dissapearing act again. He doesn’t return calls or sms. I emailed him and he will email replies only few days later saying he is busy. I have not seen him for 2 weeks. I rang him and smsed him today he didn’t answer again or return my calls. When i emailed him, he briefly reply he is going away for the weekend for work. When I asked him for details he didn’t reply. Why he is not answering calls but replying emails? This is a public holiday weekend and I am devastated that he didn’t even bother to ring me to tell me he is going away until i emailed him. How can someone’s feelings changed so suddenly? Based on your replies, I know he is not into me anymore and no one can be too busy to not call or answer calls for two weeks. I am devastated especially I have spend 11 years with him, am dying a slow death feeling. Help!!

17. downtowngal Nov 8th 2007 at 04:45 am 17

    xtremely, it sounds like your bf is getting cold feet and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. After 11 years if he can’t return a phone call then imagine what it would be like if you were married to him. He won’t change, the only thing you can do is cut your losses, as painful as it seems now.

18. HopelessRomantic Nov 9th 2007 at 12:57 pm 18

    I agree with all of you and thanks for posting all your thoughts here.
    It helped me at this point with my situation.

19. Illinoisgirl Nov 13th 2007 at 06:16 pm 19

    Hi Xtremely,

    My heart goes out to you. I agree that it sounds like your bf has a bad case of cold feet. After 11 years of dating, he probably feels a little pressured and realizes the only logical next step in marriage, but he is not going there for his own reasons.

    Frankly I am surprized you have hung in there this long! I should talk, I was in one relationship for seven years. The jerk ended up walking out on me two weeks after my mother died and marrying someone else a year later.

    There should be an expiration date on dating, like sour milk. If BF doesn’t ask you to marry after a year, you toss the relationship!

20. Julz Jan 8th 2008 at 10:23 pm 20

    When I waited for the man to call me he said that it was rude to expect the man to call first. I waited a week and he said “Hi, so you do remember me? and “I thought you found someone else”. He was the one to stop the relationship! What do you do then? What if you wait and he is expecting you to call?

21. Selena Jan 9th 2008 at 06:42 am 21

    “It’s rude to expect the man to call first”? Where did he get that from? I don’t know what to tell you Julz, I’ve never met anyone who thought that way.

22. Julz Jan 9th 2008 at 01:21 pm 22

    He really is different. Isn’t he? I think he expected me to call him first but I didn’t. I never met his friends or family but he called me recently from a mates house. They are asking him about me while we are on the phone together. I asked him what his friends were going to say about me and he said he’ll tell them to mind their own business. I don’t think so! Why did he call me when he was with them? Was it to boost his ego?

23. BK Jan 9th 2008 at 07:50 pm 23

    Hi Xtremely, on a positive note, he might be really busy or something really cropped up and he does not know how to tell you. He might be preparing something since he planned with your friends for your birthday and talked about wedding fund.

    On the negative note, as what downtowngal said, “cut losses.”

24. verbosity Jan 10th 2008 at 10:16 am 24

    I read Ingrid’s letter and thought there was no ‘relationship’ to start. Since ‘relationship’ means different things to different people, I define a relationship as beginning when BOTH parties agree they are to see each other exclusively, not simply when you first date someone several times before agreeing to a relationship.

    Analytically, according to Ingrid, the relationship can be broken into 2 six week segments. After a six weeks, he bailed, stating by action what perhaps he could/should have said by word.

    While Ingrid’s story omits many hard facts, this situation looks like one where Ingrid and boyfriend, met and dated for several (6) weeks. I suspect, but cannot prove, that Ingrid felt they were ‘together’ exclusively during this time. However, the pattern of behavior described by Ingrid (keeping in mind this is only Ingrid’s version) doesn’t paint a picture of a guy enthralled with a new girlfriend.

    I suspect that boyfriend did not view the ‘relationship’ as exclusive or with nearly the same importance as did Ingrid. Based upon the time frames and his behavior I suspect boyfriend simply viewed this as a potential exclusive relationship for the first six weeks. It appears that, based upon Ingrid’s story, he decided not to pursue the relationship any further.

    Whether his manner of parting ways (make no mistake, not calling backs and turning off his phone is definitely communication) is the best, that is another topic. I offer that Ingrid should have bailed after the 1st unreturned call.

    BTW, what I’ve said above applies to both genders equally.

    After this six week evaluation period, he basically bailed.

25. BK Jan 10th 2008 at 05:12 pm 25

    I agree with verbosity to a large extent. In relationship, whether it is between family members, between friends or between partners, a different point of view or perspective in a subject can cause argument. Maybe one party could view it as in a relationship while the other party feel it as trying out to see if things work out.

    I read a story once about a boy and his father. The boy was planting an acorn seed with his father and after he planted the seed, he watered the seed. On seeing the worried look on his son’s face, the father told the son not to worry as by summer, the acorn seedling would have grown to his knee length height. The boy turned his face and asked his father, “Your knee or my knee?”

26. Selena Jan 10th 2008 at 07:03 pm 26

    I wonder-since we know infatuation can blind us to red flags, or cause us to ignore them–might it also not persuade us there is ‘more’ of a relationship than there actually is? When someone backs off after a month or so we wonder what happened? How did we misread their interest? Could it be that some of the ’signs’ we interpret as a growing relationship are often the exaggeration of our own attraction? The other person isn’t feeling it the same way, but we just can’t see that?

27. hunter Jan 10th 2008 at 10:13 pm 27

    to Zann,

    …according to research and studies, we don’t see the red flags for the first ninety days….due to infatuation, chemistry, etc…

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