Apr23
When a Man Criticizes a Woman - Not The Percy Sledge Version
Back after a long weekend in New York attending a close college friend’s wedding. They met on JDate. Had lunch with my best girl friend on Saturday. She’s moving to be near her fiance. Met on eHarmony.
I’m just saying…
Anyway, it’s time for a little reader mail:
Your honesty article hit close to home and made me wonder what your perspective is in regards to honesty in long term dating situations.
I recently ended a dating situation because although he was honest about dating other people, after 9 months of dating he still wanted to continue to see other people. After initally telling me he was trying to see where this was going, I waited patiently a few more months only to hear him say, “maybe I am not ready for what you are ready for”. It also seemed that his once complimentary nature had changed. “You look cute” and “I enjoy spending time with you” turned into “maybe you should start doing sit ups” and “your arms and thighs are beginning to look bigger”. If anything, I have lost weight since I began dating him.
I initially took these to be minor critiques and thought he may have a point and began doing the situp thing, but he was continual with his comments and it just seemed like I could do nothing right or there was always something wrong with my appearance. Anyway, I ended it and his response was that he never wants to speak with me again.
What do you think of these types of critiques in a relationship? When do they become criticisms?
Christine
Dear Christine,
Thanks for your thoughtful note and kudos to you from getting away from Mr. Critical. If there is one thing in the entire world that drives me nuts, it’s people like him. I know nothing about you, but I’m confident that you’re a lot better off without him than with him.
As far as how I feel about these types of critiques, I’ve written about this extensively, most notably in a chapter from “Why You’re Still Single” called “I’m Sorry, We Don’t Make Change”.
In it, I distinguish between constructive and destructive criticism. Constructive criticism is criticism that is being offered for the benefit of the other person. Destructive criticism is everything else. Unless you’re asking for genuine feedback - “Honestly, does this dress flatter me or not?” - your boyfriend’s job is to keep his mouth shut about things he doesn’t like. It’s not that he’s not entitled to his opinion; it’s not that his opinion is wrong - it’s that as your boyfriend, he’s supposed to be the one who loves you unconditionally. And part of unconditional love is keeping quiet about your partner’s perceived flaws. If he thinks they’re too great, he should get out of the relationship. But to be with you for nine months and tell you all the ways in which you could stand to improve? That’s unhealthy - for both of you. He needs to be with someone he feels less critical about. You need to be with someone less critical of you.
My girlfriend is extraordinary in a number of ways, but especially in her ability to live and let live. She doesn’t pretend I’m perfect, she just doesn’t call my attention to all of my imperfections all the time. I greatly appreciate her for that.
In fact, I just had lunch with a friend whose girlfriend is always trying to impose her will on him, and he’s had it. Too much tinkering. Too little peace. Sure, relationships may take work, but this stuff is the easy stuff. Be nice to your partner, the way you’d want your partner to be nice to you. That’s it. Yet the desire to mold our boyfriends and girlfriends seems to be stronger than the desire to be in a supportive, peaceful relationship.
Finally, the fact that he never wants to speak with you again speaks volumes about him.
Good riddance, Mr. Critical. Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
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- My Boyfriend Lies Right to My Face and I Want to Believe Him
Anonymous Apr 23rd 2007 at 11:41 pm 1
I was a bit disappointed that you didn’t comment on the nine month open relationship aspect of the question- particularly as the writer seemed to be holding out for an exclusive relationship.
Personally, I’m more then happy with the “seeing other people” thing in the early stages of an online relationship - the emailing, the first few dates, even the first couple of times having sex. But once I start getting comfortable waking up in her flat I don’t want to be looking for anyone else, and i don’t like the thought of another man staying over on the alternate nights.
Do you think its too soon to ask for this kind of exclusivity at that stage in a relationship
Evan Marc Katz Apr 23rd 2007 at 11:43 pm 2
Thanks for the reminder, Anon. But I didn’t even see what there was to comment upon. The guy was a jerkoff.
Factor in that he’s a jerkoff who can’t commit and it doesn’t seem like there’s much advice for me to offer. Christine did the right thing.
I wholeheartedly agree with you that “seeing other people” is useful in the first few weeks/months. But if you don’t have a commitment after, say, three months, you’re probably not getting one at all.
Nic Apr 24th 2007 at 04:27 pm 3
I can’t tell you how much this hits home. I’ve been the critical one in one relationship and the criticized in another. And honestly, neither side is a picnic.
Love is unconditional, so if you can’t love someone that way, it isn’t right. And if someone isn’t loving you that way, it isn’t right.
We all need to decide whether we’d rather be “right” or be loved…
Cricket Apr 24th 2007 at 04:27 pm 4
Amen Evan. Sounds like Christine was dating my ex. Silly me, I stuck around for 4.5 years. I entered the relationship confident, thin and pretty sure any man on earth would adore my quirky personality. I exited it 10 lbs. lighter, assuming I was irritating, lazy, mean and a little too chubby in the ass. And this guy ADORED me! 10 minutes after I finally ended it, I remembered why I was all those good things. 2 years later he’s still pining over me. People who are critical like that are just redistributing their own feelings of insecurity. His inability to commit is just the fact that he’s holding out for some imaginary better person who will take away all his insecurities. For the record, I found me an amazing guy who thinks I’m all the good things I am times 10. And so can Christine.
moonsical May 4th 2007 at 03:42 am 5
This gal made the right decision. Move with fleet feet away from anyone who makes you feel badly about yourself. While I appreciate Eleanor Roosevelt’s sentiment that no one can make you feel badly about yourself without your consent, it sure helps if they quit trying.
I argued with a beau over whether men really should be honest with regard to questions like, “Does this dress make me look fat?” (Which I think I have never asked! I mean, why would you?) I argued for the truth. He said, “You mean I should say, ‘Yeah, you look like a fat cow in that dress!’” (New York native) “No,” I said, “You say something like, ‘That is not your most flattering dress.’ Then quickly mention something she looks GREAT in. (i.e. ‘I LOVE that one blue dress you wear; it is such an elegant look.’)” I know this may be asking a lot from a guy (although I did have a verbally skilled boyfriend who used “elegant” for me.)
There’s always the warm embrace if you can’t figure out how to be verbally supportive.
Re: open relationship… Ask for, nay, demand, whatever your heart and soul need. I do not think I could do that. Yikes. In my 20’s, back when we were all looser, I would just tell my beau, “If you are sleeping with someone else, you are not sleeping with me.” That was clear enough, and they made adjustments accordingly. It’s not total “exclusivity” in that they can still be interested in other women, but uh, not swapping bodily fluids. That is just not safe or hygienic, in my mind.