Aug29
Why Do Men Act Like They’re Interested If They’re Really Not?
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Evan,
About once or twice a year, I find myself in the position of coaching a female friend through the disappointment of a failed relationship that we all knew was coming. The reason we all knew it was coming? He’d unequivocally stated from the very beginning: “I’m not ready for a commitment at this point in my life. I’m too busy with work/school/exploring my bachelorhood/getting over my ex”. For whatever reason, I repeatedly see my women friends accepting the man’s terms and pretending they’re ok with the arrangement. While they’re in the happy stage of the relationship, they declare with satisfaction: "we’re having so much fun" or "he brings out this new, exciting side of me" or “he’s so affectionate” or “he wants to do something every weekend with me”. (I think, in their minds, they’re seeing this as evidence of an emerging commitment.)
Then, inevitably, the whole pretty illusion shatters when the guy is asked to perform one of the actions that signify a serious relationship. He may shrink from the invitation to a family gathering. He doesn’t want to sign up for a 6-week course in ballroom dancing. He wants a weekend to himself. He’s taking another “friend” to a wedding. He didn’t feel obligated to disclose that his ex-girlfriend was staying at his apartment.
It breaks my heart to see my friends so distraught when they receive one of these wake-up calls. It always comes as a shock to them, and it kills me to hear them agonizing over all the little things that had previously made them so certain that the man was falling head-over-heels:
“But he’d said I was like no woman he’d met before….”
“Just two days ago, he’d brought me flowers…”
“He told me all these things he wanted to do with me…”
“He’d said ‘casual relationship’, but I didn’t think there’d be other women involved…”
To console them, I find myself using the same explanations over and over again… that men are famously skilled at compartmentalizing - especially sex from emotion. That sometimes a compliment is just a compliment. That plans expressed as “we should one day do this…” were not promises set in stone. I’m surprised that, as sorry as I feel for my friends, I hear myself defending the man much of the time.
Evan, I’d love to hear you riff on this pattern of behavior. Why does it happen over and over again? What can women do to avoid getting into these predicaments? What culpabilities do men have to the women in these scenarios? What else can we say to our women friends when they’re licking their wounds?
Thank you from a loyal reader,
Christa
Dear Christa,
A wonderful letter, and a perfect opportunity to riff on the most common mistake that women make in dating. Failure to understand the hollowness of man-speak is the basis for “He’s Just Not That Into You” and 1000 other books. But since I don’t think most of the books go far enough in actually getting women to change their behavioral patterns, let’s do that today.
Last week, I published a piece on Yahoo.com entitled Ten Classic Online Dating Mistakes That Women Make. It was a compilation of some of the savviest advice I’ve ever given to my private coaching clients. Honestly, it probably took me longer to put together that list than it did to write my second book. What I especially liked about the list was that the pieces of advice at the top were the biggest “Aha” moments as chosen by women themselves. My hope was that readers would glance at that list and say, “Really? That’s a mistake?! I had no idea. I’ve been doing that my entire life, and, well, now that you mention it, it hasn’t been working. Hmm, I never saw it that way before.”
This, of course, is not how it played out.
The first mistake on my list touches exactly on your point, Christa, about men’s ability to compartmentalize:…
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
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Aussie Girl Aug 29th 2007 at 10:47 am 1
This was a great article Evan. I had been what ‘I’ called dating someone over the last 2 months. The chemistry was great, we had a lot in common and our compatability on all levels was incredible. He has been divorced now 10 years so I felt safe that he was over it and was ready to consider another person in his life. All of the advice I had received when we met was right on. They all said, ‘he wont commit, he doesnt want kids or doesnt plan on getting married again’. While I never planned on changing him (easy as it is to say), I took the relationship casual, as he indicated it would be from the beginning but hoped things over time may have evolved. Out of the blue, I am told this week that he has no spark and doesnt have the same intensity that I have towards our time together, telling me he doesnt want to pursue something as he cant see it working out. Hearing someone has no spark with you after 2 months really, but I give him 100% for his honesty, something that is very hard to find these days in any man. I am writing this in the hope that I will understand this kind of behavious and know what to look out for next time, I feel all of this dating activity must have a ‘learning’ element to it also. Really, though, he has done me a favour so that I can find someone else who will adore and love me like I deserve, someone who can truly find the ’spark’ that he believed wasnt there. Hey, you can have ’spark’ wiht everyone can you! Love shouldnt be so hard, you cant chase them. If they are not into you, you can only hope they do the right thing and say that in the early stages, this will save many tears later…..
Jaya Aug 29th 2007 at 11:17 am 2
Your posts are SO refreshing, Evan. I’m a new reader, and really enjoying how you tell the truth.
I’d like to add that another reason why a man might not give mixed signals is that he might not know how he feels about you yet! In otherwords, he sees you as a “maybe.”
If you’re the type of person who wants and needs a total “yes!” then move on. Like Evan says, if a man is a total “yes” you’ll usually know without ambiguity. If it’s ambigous, there’s your answer–maybe, not yes.
Same w/ women btw. I’m just starting to date, and I want to date and flirt some. Just because I’m having fun with you doesn’t mean it’s going to turn into an exclusive relationship, and I’d hate to have that expectation imposed on me right now. Though like most women, I’m comfortable talking about it. I’d hope that a guy who was unclear would ask if for clarity if he was harboring any uncertainties.
JimmyE Aug 29th 2007 at 11:34 am 3
The best paragraph in Ewan’s response is where you compare the male brush off to the female brush off. I think we understand these situations better if we get out of our ‘battle of the sexes’ mindset, and ask if the behaviour we despise is so different from our own.
Lisa Aug 29th 2007 at 12:33 pm 4
What’s confusing is when the guy does all the signals someone who’s interested does–calling you everyday, arranging to see you every week or more often– and then abruptly pops off the radar screen after several weeks, a month or two. Sure, a vanishing act after only 1 or a few dates will lead you to conclude he just wasn’t that into you, but it’s very perplexing when you’ve spent an appreciable amount of time getting to know each other, enough to establish a relationship. You’re left wondering how you misread him so completely. I guess maybe it just takes some people longer than others to decide it’s not a great match.
Isabella Aug 29th 2007 at 06:43 pm 5
I just read your last blog, why men act interested when their not… and I got to the end… felt defeated and just cried. Maybe it wasn’t defeat.. maybe it was acceptance. On some level I know what you are saying is true. Another part of me liked the denial and false hope.. maybe before I didn’t have to face how many men haven’t really wanted to date me by rationalizing and ascribing false motivations to their actions.
So fine. It is what it is. Maybe it will be cleaner to just accept that and not invest any more thought into things, the way “he’s just not that into you” freed up a lot of inner turmoil.
ABF Aug 30th 2007 at 05:47 am 6
OK Evan, I’ll give you the fact that guys stay more in the moment then women when dating. I also agree that women who pin their hopes on men who explicitly state that they are not interested in anything long term, etc. are kidding themselves and should walk away from those relationships if they want more. BUT . . . I do wish more relationship advice givers would tell men that they need to own up to their end. They should continually inform men that if they are spending a great deal of time with a woman and sleeping with her she is (more likely than not) going to think that there is a potential for more. They need to man up and be as kind to her feelings as possible. Even if that means walking away from a “fun time.” Anything less is just immature and cruel.
sheseizereason Aug 30th 2007 at 05:03 pm 7
Hmmm. I agree with Evan’s response for the most part, but I don’t think he answered the question about men’s culpability in the matter.
Let’s put it this way: A woman goes out with a man and unequivocally states she won’t sleep with him because she’s a Rules girl or doesn’t believe in premarital sex or whatever. But she shows up for the date anyway with her cleavage on full display, her tiny miniskirt to kingdom come, and 5-inch fuck-me shoes on. She looks at her date all night long from under her eyelashes and sips provocatively from her Shirley Temple. As she tips back the last of her drink, she picks the cherry with her french-tipped fingers and sucks daintily at the fruit through shellacked, swollen lips while eyeing her date meaningfully. Would you blame the guy for thinking “maybe….just maybe she’ll make me the exception to her rule”? And when the date ends and all he goes home with is a pious peck on the cheek and the world’s bluest balls, doesn’t he have the right to be even a little bit miffed?
Well that’s analogous to what’s going on in the minds of many a woman who feels she had her heart strings tugged by a guy who had no intention of committing. She feels manipulated.
Miss Miniskirt knows what she’s doing, and I wager 99% of guys who successfully string women along - even after openly admitting no chance of a relationship - know exactly what they’re doing too. And if a girl can be blamed for being a “dicktease”, what does that make one of these guys?
Evan Marc Katz Aug 30th 2007 at 05:15 pm 8
Thanks, SheSeize. This is a great analogy (and some very purple prose)!
But here’s the thing about male culpability: it just doesn’t matter.
Yes, I get it: Men are wrong. Men lie for sex. Men string women along. No argument here. But there is no power in pointing out the obvious. You know why? Because YOU CAN’T CHANGE MEN!
We can complain to the high heavens about guys and their immoral behavior, and guess what? Tomorrow, some douchebag is going to sleep with a woman he doesn’t care about and never call her again. And around and around we go.
So…since we can’t change HIM, how can we make sure that she either a) doesn’t put herself in that position anymore, or b) understands that this is the way men are going to be, no matter how much we wish they were otherwise.
My blog isn’t about assigning fault. Men lie. Women are teases. Blahblahblah. The reason to keep reading here is to better understand how people ARE and then figure out how to proceed from there. Complaining about how we’re constantly wrong teaches us nothing. Our power comes from making different decisions in spite of a harsh reality.
Thanks again for your very insightful comment.
Jonas Aug 30th 2007 at 07:55 pm 9
I think it’s sometimes helpful to discuss the ethics of situations and even to ascribe blame. Reading your article helped me reaffirm my decision to stop sleeping with women I don’t care for in ‘that’ way. I don’t know - maybe as I got older I just started to feel more empathy for these women. Or I lost my taste for dealing with embittered ex-es. Who knows? Maybe there are other guys out there reading this who will take an extra second to think of the consequences to a girl’s feelings before they open their mouths (or flies).
ABF Aug 31st 2007 at 07:01 am 10
“You Can’t Change Men?” I call bullshit. Men aren’t capable of telling the truth? Men aren’t capable of understanding that women view sex and intimacy differently? That is an enormous cop out, Evan. I am willing to do my part in getting what I want (keep the relationship going at a pace that allows me to learn the guy’s motives, understand that a couple of fun dates are nothing more than just that; etc.) But I think it is completely disingenuous of you to suggest that men shouldn’t take responsibility for their actions and leave the developing of relationships squarely on the woman’s shoulders. Would you advise a male client any differently? A close friend or brother? Would you want your potential sons to act any differently?
Evan Marc Katz Aug 31st 2007 at 08:55 am 11
Appreciate your note, ABF. And since I keep getting notes like this, I’m writing a special blog post next week to address them.
But for the record, I have never said that “men shouldn’t take responsibility for their actions and leave the developing of relationships squarely on the woman’s shoulders”.
I do not advocate poor behavior or lack of integrity for men.
I don’t even excuse it.
I observe that IT HAPPENS.
So if it’s going to happen - if men are going to continue to separate sex and love - how can you, as a woman, be careful, smart, and not get involved with a such guys?
This is why I write. To explain men to women, and women to men. I hope you feel that this is a valuable forum. Thanks for reading and commenting.
JimmyE Aug 31st 2007 at 04:04 pm 12
I think there should be an online discussion between all the women who think Evan doesn’t criticise men enough, and the men who think that he’s far too soft on women (from the previous blog post, Why is Evan so critical of men?)
Raindreamer Sep 4th 2007 at 11:24 pm 13
I think I understand Ewans point here. This was a posting about how to avoid getting hurt - instead of about being of moral. Yet I don’t think all the men are like this nor that men could not understand better - as Jonas’ comment show to us (raise my hat to you). Yet I have to admit that I’ve been saved by a lot by being slow with my moves.
Not all the men are players and not all the women are teasers. I don’t wear short skirt and a lot of make up. I don’t like to tease - I thik it is misleading men. I feel one should not. And I am sure there are men who don’t lie. Yet there are players in the dating world - both men and women - and no one should ignore that.
sesaria Sep 6th 2007 at 11:39 pm 14
Evan is so wise. For one so young, yet so integrated. It helps that you communicate perfectly, that you’re able to articulate what need be said. I admire your generosity and big heart, really, when you give you advices. Don’t worry about what they say about you harsh on men/woman….. you say it like it is– and you say it so well, for both sexes. And you take it from the high-end.
Lejic Gunes Oct 3rd 2007 at 11:42 pm 15
Great article. I’d just like to add my two cents to it.
Well, even though I wouldn’t go out and say “Miss Miniskirts knows what she’s doing”, I do believe that women flirt a lot. I AM a woman, and I flirt a lot. I only realized how awful the situation was after my boyfriend’s childhood friend asked me out. I was shocked. I have fun with him and everything - but I never thought I’d given any hints about liking him that way, surely not enough to try and take his childhood friend’s girlfriend!?
After that I talked with my male friends, which I have a lot of because I’m kind of a tomboy - and they all said that I flirt a lot. They said that while they did eventually figure that I wasn’t into them, they all at some point thought I wanted them in a sexual way.
Women don’t do this to be teasers - it’s not just our dates (maybe the dated we tease sometimes!) it’s our male friends even. We just are used to the hugging and kissing on the cheek and talking about sex openly with our girl friends - so we if we get a guy friend we don’t understand that these everyday things become messages to them, sometimes. I wouldn’t have thought that kissing a man on the cheeks to say ‘hello’ was flirting - my friends have told me otherwise.
In conclusion; men might seem to “give hope” sometimes but… It’s not because they are evil or mean. It’s just that they want to have a good time: That’s the point of a date. I do the same thing - I laugh and I smile and I try and make it a good evening, even if afterwards I decide that I don’t want a second date. You want to be on your best behavior, you want to look good and give your date a good time - what else is he supposed to do anyway? I mean, he’s asked you on a date so obviously he at least wants to give it a shot. Halfway through it, if he decides he doesn’t want to date you again, he’s supposed to just say “Yeah that fancy restaurant after the movie thing? I don’t really feel like it, let’s go to Burger King” ?
What everybody, man or woman, needs to know while dating is that dating is done to have fun. If it was a commitment, people would just get married before dating like in the good old days. Dating is something you do for fun, and if you feel you connect with the person, you keep doing it. Like getting a friend; do you instantly become best friends with everyone you meet and chat with? Or just because you work at the same place and seem to have fun - do you invite a woman for a slumber party and be “BBF”? No. You laugh, maybe have coffee, and if you connect, you start calling each other and meeting after work to have fun.
Just like that, dating is something you do for fun that sometimes ends with two people “clicking” and grows into more. Dating isn’t “the thing you do right before you’re in a relationship”.
Because of this, both men and women try to make the most of it. Women flirt a) because it’s simply how they are with their friends too and b) society tells us that men like sexy women. How many men have expressed how hot they are for Hewlett Packard’s female CEO? How many people have expressed how they’d “bone” ? It seems to women that being sexy will get them a man. What they don’t realize is that the man isn’t proposing to that hot actress, he just wants to sleep with her, not marry her.
That said, it is also true that a lot of women, like me, enjoy sex. Not many can have it without emotions being involved - but maybe if she’s wearing a miniskirt, she really did think about sleeping with you that night. Yet, just like how you can arrange a romantic first date and end up not calling her because you didn’t find her to be a good fit, she might decide the same thing by the end of the date.
One more thing to end this too-long post:
It’s not just women who get “misguided” - I’m talking about sex/emotion. I’ve met many who think there should be something emotional about sex - while they like the thought of casual sex, if they slept with a woman after a good date, they would see that as the start of a relationship. A woman, however, might not. I realize it’s usually women who want the emotional part, but we all know it can be the other way around.
And last but not least: Men might not call, but do they ever tell you they can’t go out on a second date because they have to “wash their hair” that night? Probably not.
They might end things more harshly but in the end that’s better than girls sometimes because they keep making excuses and apologizing so much “I forgot my mom was coming over I’m soso sorry!” that the man things there still is something, he actually waits for her. A woman can just start getting over him right away.
Very long post, I apologize. It just hit the spot, I have a lot of experience with this one!
downtowngal Oct 7th 2007 at 02:28 pm 16
“…all that matters is how quickly he follows up to see you again.” True indeed!
I went out with a guy last year - we hit it off, had a great time. At the end of our first date - which was on a Wednesday - we discussed getting together again. I thought he would have suggested a day right then & there (perhaps that weekend) but instead said, ‘ok I’ll call you this weekend’. I got a weird vibe about it. Some friends told me just to chill out, he probably has stuff going on, who knows? Turns out my gut was right - he did call eventually and we went out again, but he then play this disappearing act, then call a couple of weeks later complaining about how busy he’s been with work. This was a guy who kept saying how he wanted to settle down & have kids, yet he couldn’t walk the talk.
I wholeheartedly agree with you Evan, if a guy wants to see you he’ll make the effort. Anything less says it’s time to move on.
jackie Dec 21st 2007 at 11:21 am 17
This topic really irritates me… If women would actually LISTEN to these men when they are expressing what they are NOT willing to do… women would not be so bitter about men. Its not like they are lying to them, or cheating or anything to hurt them, since they have been told ALREADY that there is no commitment. Then these commitment hungry ladies could actually go find a man that actually WANTED to be with them and stop wasting their time trying to change these men, who OBVIOUSLY don’t want to change.. and why should they.. they are already honest, up front guys. that say what they want (or don’t want)..and isn’t that what every woman wants?
JuJu Dec 21st 2007 at 02:57 pm 18
Evan said, “But since I don’t think most of the books go far enough in actually getting women to change their behavioral patterns, let’s do that today.”
Interesting. Should I even comment on this or is it already obvious what I am going to say?
I do agree with the post, by the way. But I also dated a man who verbally planned out our entire life together, in the very beginning of the relationship (no, I did not take it seriously (I am not quite that deluded!
), nor could I honestly claim that I felt that way about him), and insisted on seeing me every day, and was generally very passionate. When I called him on all the things he said, however, after he broke up with me a relatively short while later, he actually said, incredulously, “How could you be so naive as to believe what a man says??”
I am also not assigning blame, though (including to myself - there was a multitude of red flags I ignored). Nothing is inherently good or bad (it only becomes so in the observer’s assessment), everything is just the way it is.
hunter Dec 21st 2007 at 04:23 pm 19
to Jackie,
I sense most women want to change the man they are with because, men they have chemistry for, are far and few….
m Dec 21st 2007 at 05:40 pm 20
“I do agree with the post, by the way. But I also dated a man who verbally planned out our entire life together, in the very beginning of the relationship (no, I did not take it seriously (I am not quite that deluded!
), nor could I honestly claim that I felt that way about him), and insisted on seeing me every day, and was generally very passionate. When I called him on all the things he said, however, after he broke up with me a relatively short while later, he actually said, incredulously, “How could you be so naive as to believe what a man says??””
What I REALLY love is how the same men are the ones to always be pissing and moaning and bitching about how “women don’t trust men”.
Yeah.
Does ANYONE see that a weak “it happens” is just a cop-out for men to continue their bullshit behavior?
Sibel Mar 27th 2008 at 08:31 pm 21
Hello:
I was wondering if you could ever post an article regarding based on religion, searching for a partner online, actually mine is more phone relationship, due to religion we are not supposed to date, so we ask questions regarding what do we expect from a prospective partner. He was calling every night per say, and for the last three days he has only called in the morning and he makes the calls very short, I only called him once ( to get even because he woke me up LOL), but I don’t know how to handle this situation, I don’t even know if I should be upfront and ask if he has lost the interest and found another profile that might be more suitable LOL… I don’t have any male friends to ask for advice, as you can see I am not too experienced, so If you have any Ideas or maybe talking about this would be something that interests you, I would appreciate it.
JerseyGirl Mar 28th 2008 at 07:54 am 22
“You Can’t Change Men?” I call bullshit. Men aren’t capable of telling the truth? Men aren’t capable of understanding that women view sex and intimacy differently? That is an enormous cop out, Evan.
—————————————————————————–
I completely agree with everything ABF said.
Joanna May 8th 2008 at 08:29 am 23
I just cut off a guy that I was seeing for a little under 3 months. The thing was that he wwould always call me, but would not see me often. I would go weeks without seeing him and he’s only an hour away. I feel like my situation is the reverse. I’m getting the phone calls, but not time spent with eachother. Would do you guys think about that? Why would he keep calling and spend hours on the phone? When I tried to tell him that I wantd to spend more time with him, hehe said that he does what he can. I told him we needed to stop this because I didn’t want a phone relationship. I’m questioning whether I acted to soon!
Selena May 8th 2008 at 12:10 pm 24
Joanna,
I don’t think you acted too soon to break off a relationship that existed mostly by phone after almost 3 mos. You write “only an hour away”. That not mean much to you, but 2 hours travel time every time you want to see someone can feel like a real drain to some people. Were you willing to do half/most of the driving, or did you expect the majority of the effort to fall to him?
It sounds like he really enjoyed having “a phone girlfriend”, but wasn’t into you enough to really pursue more on a regular basis. I don’t know how well you know him, but is it possible he is also involved with someone else or dating around? That could also explain the “he does what he can” reasoning.
JB May 8th 2008 at 12:44 pm 25
Dating someone an hour away is just adding more stress and aggravation to any SERIOUS dating scenario. Sure if you want to OCCASIONALLY date someone that far in an open casual relationship that’s fine but unless you’re planning on having a “weekend” serious relationship it’ll only work for awhile. I tell a lot of women I meet “I’m sorry but for the type of relationship I’m looking for I want a woman that lives close to me so we can actually see each other during the week too. I live in a major metropolitan area and I’m not driving an hour to go on date. It’s exhausting over time believe me I’ve done it.
I’ll wait until I meet someone that lives a normal distance away. But when they scoff, I always say “you’re welcome to come over any time you want and I’ll even let you stay the night” …lol
Honey May 8th 2008 at 01:39 pm 26
My boyfriend lives two hours away and I have driven to see him every single weekend (excepting maybe two) for the last nine months. Of course, we’d been together for over a year when he moved. I was the one in position to drive because of my job and he wasn’t, so that’s why the driving got divided the way that it did. Also it was with the expectation that at the end of those 9 months I would move in with him (which happens Saturday and I’m very excited).
I guess what you could take from this is that long-distance is possible, but both people have to be committed to it, responsibilities need to be clearly outlined, and there should be a definite end point in sight. It doesn’t sound like you currently have any of that, Joanna. So my suggestion would be to tell him that unless those things can be arranged, you’re going to have to pursue things closer to home.
Selena May 8th 2008 at 03:37 pm 27
Also,
The skyrocketing price of gas (and the subsequent fallout of the skyrocketing price of groceries due to the skyrocketing price of gas) has made an “only an hour”-each way- drive for a visit a hardship for some people. And a disincentive to maintain a distance casual relationship for others I’m sure.
Jo May 12th 2008 at 12:24 pm 28
It just happened to me too. This guy was great. We went out all the time and then he changed and kept calling us friends. I really liked him, he came and picked me up for lunch twice. I finally said I need space because I really like you and do not like me the same way. I got it.
khris Jul 13th 2008 at 07:31 am 29
Keep it coming Evan, I found your site today and I find it refreshing, honest and very informative, I too am the same way, I don’t try to change the world because it can be a very futile tiring endeavor but I definitely feel information is power.
Life is too short to blame and point fingers at men and women, hell we all could do that all day and it won’t change a thing. Men will still play games, miscommunicate, pursue endlessly with negative results for the woman and women will fall for it or play the games too.
I find your information straight forward and to the punch and I by no means find you are hard on men, have anyone you checked out the site that teaches men how to play women, its called how to be a player, trust me after you read how men egg each other on you will find that Evan is pretty lenient on men.
I find as I give advice women aren’t ready to change themselves, they want men to simply STOP behaving a certain way, that is futile and unrealistic, some women are stuck on bending a mans behavior to there will and it doesn’t work that way.
Evan is has been pretty clear, he’s not condoning bad behavior, he’s simply helping women to see the contrast in thoughts of men by pointing out men live in the moment where as some women are already picking out the China and ordering the wedding cake or planning the move in date with a man whereas a man is simply having fun and enjoying himself, dating multiple women and even when the man says his true feelings in the beginning I notice some women still keep trying and giving.
Dating doesn’t mean he’s going to call the next day and if he does call then he’s interested for the time being but it doesn’t mean his interest will remain constant even after 5 or more dates, I noticed a lot of these women that haven’t dated in months or years latch on to men where as the men are dating ALL the time and feel no real urgency to settle with anyone. So there are different level of expectations.
I myself try and teach women to PAY ATTENTION and date smart (not sleep with) but date as much as possible and to remember relationships are not a cure for loneliness.
Evan isn’t dismissing bad behavior, he’s simply saying this is what women deal with, this is how men behave and offers remedies to get around this sort of behavior of leading women on. I have to admit I have been thoroughly enlightened and his site is a reminder for me to never fall asleep, I have to constantly re-evaluate everything I thought was true and start over brick by brick so to speak.
I always felt that connecting with a man meant more down the line but I now realize that its not like that for some men and to also realize that after 6 weeks of dating if a man hasn’t confirmed a yes then a woman is spinning her heels by being exclusive, find other men to have fun with to shift the focus off the man that isn’t meeting your need.
After visiting the how to be a player site and many other sites that teach men how to game women, pick up women, date many women, how to deal with women from A to Z, I realized when a guy pursues me, after I have walked away he’s pursuing other women and dating other women and he’s having fun and living his life, his objective isn’t to be coupled up unless he makes it clear he sees himself coupled with me exclusively he’s just dating and creating a world that is exclusively beneficial to him and women should do the same, doesn’t mean we have to be mean and surly and angry and bitchy, learn to forgive, let go and keep it moving.
I don’t feel all men are intentionally malicious, I just feel there is a way that men think and feel which is nothing close to how women feel and think, it has caused huge problems.
Thank you Evan for being brave enough to tell women whats real and whats the truth, some people will be able to grasp and apply it and some will continue on there journey to doing what doesn’t work until they get sick of it…
sorry for the long post but I hope some of this makes sense to some of you.
Cilla Jul 13th 2008 at 05:30 pm 30
You know, I think one of the reasons women get so frustrated with men who “poof” (just disappear or run cold after coming on hot) is that this behavior has been perpetrated on them by other WOMEN their whole lives. Think about friendships, especially from grades 6-12, even into college. One day a girl is your best friend, the next she acts like she doesn’t even know you (not all, but it’s a common, accepted practice in girl behavior). As the parent of a teenage boy, I just don’t see this same behavior in male/male friendships. While this tapers off as women age (usually because we learn not to tolerate it or see the red flags early on), it still happens from time to time. We grow up witnessing, and yet hating, this behavior. I think it brings hypersensitivity to the issue when men do it to us. Just my .02.
khris Jul 13th 2008 at 10:37 pm 31
I honestly cilla I don’t think thats the case at all, I feel a lot of women not all but some get threatened by the poof act by men because our self esteem is so wrapped up into what men THINK about us, there is tons of info on the net unlike it was 5-10 years ago about the behavior or men…google players, pick up artist etc and you will see men poofing is because they can and its fun for them and they enjoy the challenges of winning more than one woman, it goes on and on.
We as women have to STOP blaming ourselves for this kind of behavior, it does nothing for our self esteem and it builds tons of anger and resentment towards the process of dating men and having relationships that are healthy.
men are teaching one another how to use rejection as a tool and make it work for them but little girls and women are taught through out life that if people disappear/reject us then its because YOU are not good enough, pretty enough, femine enough and countless other reasons. ITS A LIE!!! This is what women have to understand, its not YOU, its him and whatever reasons he wants to make up at the time to leave he will make them up.
I know I felt powerless over my life because all my self worth was wrapped up into if he likes me and if he doesn’t like me then chose to believe I’m a piece of shit, I had to WAKE UP and stop that non-sense, it was the best thing I did for myself, I feel better, look better, I don’t over eat anymore, I stop hurting myself.
Women pull your self worth and self esteem out of his IDEAS of whats accpetable asap and recapture love for SELF. This is the biggest lie perpetuated on women, men leave because they are insecure, they leave because they can, they leave because its easier to leave than deal with love because in most cases love isn’t the objective/target and men leave because of curiosity, its not always the womans fault and even if it is her fault it doesn’t make the women less of anything.
I read a lot of Rori Rayes emails and her ebook Have The Relationship You Want and it talks about women using her feminine energy to captivate a man not using her breast, smile, thighs, feet, hands but her verbal and non verbal feminine energy which is something I wasn’t taught to do growing up and I can assume most women fit into this category, this method inspires men to want more intimacy, there are tools women can use to have the love they want, we don’t have to sit by and be beggars.
Rori Raye also encourages women to find themselves, love themselves, clean out there own closests and shift the focus on themselves and away from the problems they are having with men because this is the only way a man can truly appreciate his woman by taking care of herself FIRST. I feel that some of us have been given a lot of misinformation about ourselves as women and men in general and its caused a lot pain and frustration. No one told me about the things I know today, I had to go find the information, I had to become a truth seeker and literally dig into it, make mistakes along the way but I never gave up hope.
Men poof because they poof, for me to sit here and say its my fault he poofed would keep me emotionally in the gutter. I’m sure lack of something albeit chemistry, attraction etc was part of why he poofed but that doesn’t make me less of a desirable woman, less of anything and this is what a woman have to grasp or we will continue to see women that hate men and hate dating and opt to check out of the whole dating scene.
Evan Marc Katz Jul 13th 2008 at 10:52 pm 32
Rori’s great and is a friend of mine here in LA. If you haven’t read her eBook, get it on the right side of this blog, under Top Dating Resources. It’s called Have The Relationship You Want by Rori Raye.
EMK
khris Jul 13th 2008 at 10:53 pm 33
and one other thing, when I was on my quest for information something I learned that some men are teaching one another is to FIND FLAWS in women, if a woman is aesthetically beautiful and flawless on the outside then find a CHARACTER FLAW which helps the men keep from obsessing and putting the woman on a pedestal, keeps him moving forward if he chooses to continue to date multiple women. So women when your thinking he left because I’m not good enough and I’m not worthy or pretty enough, think again, some not all are being taught to find flaws in order to keep on there mission to capture as many women, as many minds and hearts as they can (whatever the objective is for the man) at the time.