Comments on: Why Do Women Disappear When You’re Emailing Them?

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 13:51:34 +0000

Well I have one more aspect to throw into the mix–the ones who are what I call “terminally into the fix.” What I mean by this is–they want the thrill of a new relationship, of the chase, of the excitement–but when it comes time to pony up and have a relationship that might actually require some work, they disappear like a puff of smoke . . . some people use the term “serial dater” to describe this, but specifically what I mean is a man who writes, you talk on the phone, and he even uses the dreaded “L” word prior to meeting–but then when it comes to dating, going out, driving a distance to meet, he’s not so into it all of a sudden. It’s fantasy, that’s all, and I think that on some level online dating attracts those types of people. I’ve learned the hard way that a guy that comes on wayyyyyy too strong in the beginning and uses certain key words and phrases–well, let’s just say it’s easier to cut them off early than to deal with the fallout.

I think maybe there should be a site for people who just want a fantasy relationship and not the real thing–oh, wait a minute, there already is–it’s called “Yahoo Messenger” or “MSN Chat.”

By: Selena

Selena — Wed, 28 May 2008 21:49:15 +0000

Thanks Pericles for the suggestions. I’ll be keeping them in mind.

By: pericles

pericles — Wed, 28 May 2008 21:01:32 +0000

well, Selena, it depends on what you’re interested in. I’m interested in a number of subjects; have been on various forums, some because of academic work. So, figure out what you’re interested in, or something you’d like to discuss more about, google the subject, and see what comes up. Sometimes you have to dig a little bit to find a forum that’s of interest to you; in other words, you’d have to look (like on this site) for the blog or some part of the site that indicates people are talking to one another about something you like to discuss. The one site that was quite miserable and no fun at all was an agony aunt site in the UK; everyone was WAY too depressed to be interested in hooking up!! ;-))

By: Selena

Selena — Wed, 28 May 2008 19:11:36 +0000

Pericles,

I’d be interested in these forums you describe. Do you have any to recommend, or where to look for them?

Selena

By: pericles

pericles — Wed, 28 May 2008 19:05:39 +0000

wait!! what if I WANT to apologize… ;-)) just kidding! Yes, it’s AWFULLY easy to not be able to get one’s tone across… and there are no silly smilies offered here, to mitigate anything that might come off wrong. May need to start a whole new thread, entitled, when are smilies inappropriate or something… how to get your relationship past smilies… ;-)) oops. that one just slipped out.

By: Brian

Brian — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:09:00 +0000

Dear Pericles,

I didn’t think you had blown me off. I was discussing the concept in general. For a person whose profile says you don’t have time to answer all your email, you are being remarkably generous with me.
I think part of the problem is that I tend to use humor and sarcasm, that isn’t always obvious on the page. Throw in a bit of exaggeration to illustrate a point and what I say may sound like I am offended.

I find your posts to be carefully thought out and as diplomatic as possible considering the subject. No more appologies needed.

Brian

By: pericles

pericles — Wed, 28 May 2008 16:47:10 +0000

I’ve had guys email back time and time again, just seeking verification or closure, I think, even after I’ve made it clear that I’m not interested. Some just can’t believe that you would turn them down. I’ve had more than a few get angry, which I find interesting, because this is the point in any online connection where you have the least invested. You’re right Selena, you’re better off knowing right from the start that the other person really isn’t interested. It’s way less cruel than stringing someone along, which I don’t have the time or interest for.

Having said that, I’ve had the best fortune in terms of finding people I’m interested in not on any dating sites, but on forums where I have a real interest in the subject being discussed. For one thing, it’s not a dating site, so you can get to know people as they interact with each other, and you can learn a lot more about them than you can on a dating site, where everyone’s trying to be on their best behavior (for awhile). When you see how someone interacts with others, even in writing, you get a very strong idea of who they are in real life.

By: Selena

Selena — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:49:05 +0000

If I emailed someone and they never responded I would think, “Okay they aren’t interested.” Something I’d rather find out from the get-go rather than after dating for weeks, a couple months, when I might have become somewhat attached.

While Vicky’s strategy may work for her, I have to wonder why a man would ever email her again after she blew him off the first time. All around, it seems like a less productive way to meet people who might be interested in “you”.

By: pericles

pericles — Wed, 28 May 2008 06:26:12 +0000

I just didn’t want to blow you off… at all. Not my intention. ;-))

By: Brian

Brian — Wed, 28 May 2008 06:07:27 +0000

Dear Pericles,

Cruel? I was being flippant. As a 50-somthing guy I am not deluged with more interest than I can follow up on. Yahoo makes it easy to send “nothing” messages with their “Ice Breakers” Sample: Wink!

In my generation, the man was supposed to do the asking out for dates so that approach can ease the feelings of wanting to follow the traditional pattern yet show interest.

While I tend to look upon “nothing messages” as uncreative and uncommited, I will always fire off a reply, based on how I feel about their profile. The response factor is much less than the ones who actually respond to my profile so I don’t spend a lot of time on them. People with no photo or totally generic profiles get a request for a photo and more information. They never respond.

Brian