Jul17
Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?
Pages: 1 2
Dear Evan,
I really hope you can help me with this predicament. About a month and a half ago, I met this guy at a bar, the day after I had just ended a very short and confusing juvenile relationship. He seemed like a stand up guy and we flirted and talked a lot. I needed to take things slow because of where I was in life—just out of a relationship and just having graduated college. On our fourth date, the issue of race and religion came up. We are different religions and races, mine being more conservative on both accounts, but I told him I make decisions on the future of relationships based on each individual person. The issue of sex also came up, and I was straightforward, truthful, and tactful and told him that I made a personal choice to not have sex outside of marriage and that I was a virgin. He said that was great and he really respects that.
It was after this conversation that he seemed to change. He started calling me almost every day, and on our fifth date, he told me that I had “most of the qualities he looks for in a woman.” He wanted to define the relationship, which I was not ready for at this point. On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me” Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background. I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point. I like this guy but whoa!
I freaked out at this point, and withdrew a little. When I tried to talk to him about everything, he made light of the comments. Although, when I pressed him about the reasons why he liked me so much, he listed, in the following order: 1) that I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across and that he respected that, 2) I was “cool people” to hang out with, 3) we got along well, 4) I was educated. What am I to make of this guy? I expected reason #4 to be higher on the list, and reason #1 to be lower.
What are your insights? Should I end this for good? Is he crazy? Am I crazy?
Effei
Virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.
A multilayered question from a booksmart girl. Where to begin?
Let’s start with the virginity thing.
I’ve answered questions from virgins before and really feel for them. It’s not easy having a moral code that is out of step with the majority of the world.
Then again, virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.
Frankly, that’s a bit messed up, and I’d be concerned if I were you.
Now I’ll admit – I don’t fully understand the virgin until marriage thing.
I don’t understand why a man would prefer someone with no sexual experience whatsoever. It’s like trying to train an employee to type when you’re used to people who can type 75wpm.
And I also don’t understand it from the virgin’s perspective. Sex doesn’t have to be procreative. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, although it’s nice. And sex is, by most accounts, a really fun pastime. Not only is it a great way to kill twenty minutes before you go to sleep, but it’s also an exhilarating bonding experience between two people….
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
Read More...
- How Soon Should I Tell A Date That I’m a Virgin?
- My Catholic Boyfriend Refuses to Have Sex With Me. Should I Try to Seduce Him?
- How Can You Tell If Your Boyfriend Really Loves You?
- What You Can Learn From a Real-Life “He’s Just Not That Into You” Situation
- Should I Marry A Man Who Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With Me?
Steve Jul 17th 2008 at 08:54 am 1
I don’t know why given who I am and the experiences I have had, but I have always found the attitude many men have about virgins to be a repulsive attitude. I’m not a feminist, but the way I see it that attitude makes commodities out of all women. Virgins are fresh, unspoiled goods. Non-virgins are used, despoiled goods. Women are people, not produce. Blech. If I was a chick, I would do a 180 degree turn and dump that guy.
Cathouse Teri Jul 17th 2008 at 11:15 am 2
Very valid points from Evan. I especially liked this phrase:
“Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree.”
There is much to be concerned with about this guy. His thinking is all messed up.
But in my opinion, there is no reason to discuss your past sexual experience (or lack of it) with someone. Especially that early on. And it almost seems as if Effei makes too much of almost “flaunting” the virgin idea. And then bristles when it’s the thing that got a man’s attention. It’s none of his business if she’s a virgin. Or if she’s had a hundred men.
While I realize that they were discussing religion, and the virgin thing fell into that category, it really is something that ought to be more protected. As a personal issue. Not casting pearls before swine, and all that jazz.
Karl R Jul 17th 2008 at 12:11 pm 3
“I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across”
This makes it sound like virginity is something that he wants to come across. Unless his religious / cultural views towards premarital sex are similar to yours, this is sending up a red flag for me.
However, I think Evan overstates the case against virginity. A recent girlfriend of mine was a virgin. She certainly wasn’t the best lover I’ve ever had, but she was far from the worst. A little creativity, enthusiasm and communication go a long way in bed.
And if I’m potentially going to be with a woman for the rest of my life, I’m not too worried about the short period of time it takes her to learn “typing skills”.
“what if your one and only doesn’t please you?” … “Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.”
I’ve always been able to learn a lot from making out and a little light petting. A test drive doesn’t need to cover the entire map to get a feel for the vehicle’s handling.
Effei,
If your religious and cultural beliefs are important to you, by all means keep them. They probably will slow down your search for the right man. But there will be men out there who share those beliefs, and who value you as a person. There will also be men who value you enough as a person to respect your beliefs, even though they don’t share them.
JuJu Jul 17th 2008 at 12:34 pm 4
1) What Evan said.
2) Effei, and do I ever hope you come back and read the comments, you have no idea what you may be getting yourself into if you don’t have sex with the man before marrying him (and many times).
Due to inexperience you may just be thinking that sex is just sex, all sex is the same, and so on (I can’t remember now what my own conceptions of sex were before I had it, but I am certain I wasn’t aware of the variety of possibilities).
Well, sex is not like pizza in a sense that even if it’s bad, it’s still quite good. Maybe, maybe, it is like that for men, but I don’t really think that even that could be true. It is entirely possible to have a sexual experience the mere memory of which may nauseate you or make you shudder.
Another thing you can’t know yet is that sexual compatibility is just as rare as any other kind.
I attended a religious lecture once advocating abstinence before marriage, and the speaker stated that out of LOVE for each other, the two people in the marriage will potentially be able to adjust their respective techniques (not necessarily true, by the way - not everyone is capable of love in the bigger sense of the word). But let me tell you, there may be things present that are outside of your partner’s control. I won’t even mention the proverbial size. There may be something on his body or skin that you won’t be able to get over. There may be something about his bodily functions (perspiration, erection, ejaculation, and, well, orgasming itself (they are not one and the same, and I am getting too graphic already)) that will not agree with your preferences (which you are not yet aware of because you don’t know how different things can be with different people).
Finally, you and your partner may have entirely different ideas of how sex should transpire and its place in a viable marriage.
It’s like buying a house after only seeing the facade.
Miranda Jul 17th 2008 at 01:09 pm 5
As someone who, for religious reasons, has also decided to wait for marriage for sex, I have to disagree with some of the above statements. For example, the whole “what if it’s bad” argument. If I’ve never been with anyone else, I have nothing to compare it to…so how will I know if it’s not “spectacular” or “mindblowing”? I believe that it will be great when I get married (aside from any physical issues, obviously), not because of anything physical, but because of the commitment and love that it represents….and yes, I’m sure I’m not going to be the best when I first get married, but I would feel safer and more comfortable “learning the ropes” with the person I’ve committed myself to for the rest of my life than with some random guy I don’t even know anymore. But…that’s just me.
sara Jul 17th 2008 at 01:28 pm 6
I would strongly agree that waiting until marriage is not necessarily the best plan. Its a great in theory for some, but not necessarily in practice because you never know what you are in for until it could be too late. Case in point….my first serious boyfriend (not my first time though) was selfish and cold in bed. We broke up because of sex. He talked about settling down, having kids and I cringed at the thought of procreating with him. After we broke up I thought thank god I didn’t marry him! He was cute, fit, good family background, good job, etc ……he was something I would obviously consider for marriage. But sex was a nightmare because he wanted it on his terms only. He had no real interest in ensuring I was enjoying myself. It was the old get in, get off, roll over and sleep. Talking to him did nothing. Positive reinforcement did nothing. Bluntly asking for X, Y, and Z did nothing. No one should suffer through bad sex in dating, let alone a marriage.
For the love of god….be aware as others have said, that sexual compatibility is EQUALLY as important as overall compatibility in a healthy successful lasting relationship (or marriage). Whether you have sex before the “I do’s” or not, you MUST be aware of this. Don’t assume that a ring on your finger and you are “in love” means you will have great sex.
And I don’t think this guy is right for you in my opinion.
A_L Jul 17th 2008 at 01:30 pm 7
I´m currently traveling and had to stall here at the internet cafe to await an e-mail from a friend and decided to see what the latest was here. Boy was I glad I did!
Quote of the day from Karl: I’ve always been able to learn a lot from making out and a little light petting. A test drive doesn’t need to cover the entire map to get a feel for the vehicle’s handling.
Amen to that! From some of the previous virgin friends some of you may know that like Effei I´m one of those waiting-until-marriage folks, and I´ve come across this issue before. When a guy first finds out he tends to be rather stunned that he´s dating a virgin and it can stun him and his senses a bit and make him sound like a real toad. If he quickly pulls his act together and starts acting like a normal guy again, keep him, and don´t fault him for his momentary lapse. But if he continues to bring it up, drop him like a hot potato. Evan´s advice is right on there.
And I find Cathouse Terri´s advice quite interesting in light of several threads where people talk about their tendency to have sex after X number of dates, where X is usually a number that would come up far sooner than a month and a half. If there´s a guy you´re interested in you don´t want to turn him off unecessarily. If things are progressing slowly on the physical front then you want him to know the lack of speed isn´t necessarily correlated to your level of interest. And if things are progressing quickly, then you don´t want him to think you´re just a cock tease. A difficult place to be put in.
I´m not saying you should anounce your virginity on the first date, but after you´ve had some makeout sessions, the issue will come up.
JuJu Jul 17th 2008 at 01:51 pm 8
Miranda,
it all depends on how important sex will be to you in the relationship (and bear in mind that the level of this importance may change over time).
I’d say for me it’s, like, one of the three or four most important things about living with someone. I can’t allow it to remain an unknown when going into this situation, because it’s just such a huge chunk of my potential happiness with the man.
Honey Jul 17th 2008 at 01:54 pm 9
Miranda–
You’ll know if it’s not spectacular or mindblowing. There is no mistaking it.
And to both you and Effei, while techniques can be learned, so much about sex is about compatibility on such an incredibly visceral level that there really is no way to know unless you try. If you’re not having sex with the person, it’s easy to mistake your own sexual frustration for sexual tension/compatibility, only to discover that you’re never going to be fully satisfied in that relationship. Maybe that’s okay for some people, but not for me.
Sam Jul 17th 2008 at 04:55 pm 10
Going against the grain is always difficult and reason for the use of caution. I believe that everyone has a right to his or her beliefs when it comes to their sexuality so discussion on how “wise” Effies’ decision is to abstain should not be the issue. People choose their lifestyles based on their up bring, culture, experiences and personality and a whole host of other variables. What will make one person happy will be pure misery for another.
As someone who has made a similar decision to Effie, I am sure it was not made lightly or on a whim. In fact given the way sex is pushed at you from all angles, it is one of the most important decisions I have made in my life.
One man’s meat is another man’s poison. I have chatted with guys who on learning I was a virgin and not looking to change that state in the near future, basically distanced themselves. And then there were others for whom I became a fascination and they chased me even harder. Neither types of guys were interested in me , the person.
One thing I have learned is that time is your friend. If you take the time to get to know a guy and pay attention, sooner or later he will let you know by words or deeds what he is really about. And I don’t recommend letting a guy know too soon that you are a virgin. I usually let them know first thing that I am not into casual sex. and then if that hasn’t run em off wait for a while to see how things go.
Hang in there.
SOnot work for anouther whose experences and expectations are different and i think that a persons decision should be repsected.
Lance Jul 17th 2008 at 06:22 pm 11
Sex is absolutely a skill that is learned, practiced, and worked on through repetitions and, hopefully, with at least several partners. I’ve discovered this over the last year or so as I’ve had a sharp spike in the number of partners I’ve had and my bedroom skills have increased dramatically. If you’re going to remain a virgin until marriage, you’re setting yourself up for a) relationship failure, or b) a very mediocre sex life. I hate to compare it like this, but sex is exactly like learning a sport. You need reps, you need coaching, you need lots of PT to get really good…
Also, I want to say a few words about having reference experience. I’ve had several exes where I thought the sex was fantastic. Compared to my previous experiences, it was. But, compared to the experiences I’ve had lately, my old experiences PALE in comparison. Like, my old experiences went from an 8 to a 3. If you have no reference experience, you won’t know the difference between okay and good, good and great, and great and mindblowing.
If you’re a virgin you’ll find that actual great sex is vastly different from the sanitized and romanticized version you see on TV and in movies. If that’s your only reference experience, you’re in for a surprise.
My recommendation: do your future hubby a favor and get thee a multitude of partners!!
downtowngal Jul 17th 2008 at 06:28 pm 12
I don’t think Effei’s virginity is the real issue here - I think this guy is moving too forward for her and it’s creeping her out. If he truly respected her he wouldn’t make an issue out of her being a virgin.
If a guy wanted to set his life plan with me after 6 dates - and I weren’t into him - it would make me feel weird.
Effei, hold your ground. Some may not agree with your decision to wait till marriage but you are demonstrating self-respect, which is awesome. Besides, your young. You’ve been giving this guy a chance and you can decide if he’s what you’re looking for.
And Evan, your advice on having Effei ‘test drive’ before marriage is repulsive. You may not agree with her decision, but these are Effei’s values and it’s a very personal objective. Effei’s still young and she sounds very self-assured. If this is the wrong standard for her she’ll discover it on her own, and eventually figure out what’s right for her.
At the end of the day, having self respect is the best way to get what you want out of a relationship.
starthrower68 Jul 17th 2008 at 07:17 pm 13
I do think this guy seems fairly creepy so I can understand Effei’s concerns. However, character and integrity count. Effei, don’t you worry about what anyone else thinks. Be true to yourself first and foremost.
Cathouse Teri Jul 18th 2008 at 05:05 am 14
I also think Effei’s choice to remain a virgin until marriage should not be the discussion here. In fact, I was even surprised that Evan went off in that direction. It is a very personal choice. My oldest son chose to remain a virgin for a number of years. It was not a religious choice. Nor was it a choice that had a certain goal in sight (love and/or marriage). He simply did not want to participate in sexual activity before he felt comfortable with it. He had several girls break up with him over this because they interpreted this as a rejection and his lack of desire for them. I say one is well rid of such potential partners.
One very basic necessity in a partner is their utmost respect for your beliefs. They don’t need to agree with nor adopt them. But if you feel strongly about something and they can’t respect that, then it is best to move on.
On the other hand, you will run into people like this man, who are intrigued by your resolve. And challenged by it. And see you as a trophy to be gained. This is very much someone to run from.
As for the need to discuss your virginity with a man in order to prevent him from thinking of you as a cock tease, this is a concept I can’t even begin to back up. First of all, if you have chosen chastity until marriage, I would assume you do not do everything sexual leading up to “the main event” and then put up the stop gate. Secondly, there is no rule regarding on which date to have sex. Much debate surrounds this, but if you are one who already goes against the grain with the virginity plan, then likely you are used to thinking outside the box on this.
And incidentally, since discussion has surrounded this extensively here, I do not at all agree that there is a need to have massive amounts of sexual experience in order to be good at it. Sex within a relationship is a physical expression of what is going on emotionally and spiritually between two people. It is very natural. I am sure that one can cite account after account where someone married and found themselves to be physically incompatible. But I would wager that those statistics cannot be justifiable, as too many variables can be involved. Such as, they are incompatible in other ways, too. It is possible to be a virgin and yet educate yourself about sex. If you have an open mind and are willing to communicate about it, you’ve won more than half the battle.
Jennifer Jul 18th 2008 at 03:54 pm 15
A couple of things:
1. what is a more ‘conservative’ race? Not starting anything, just curious if effei could come back and clear that up
2. I’m not a virgin. Never believed in waiting until being married to have sex. But she does, so we should let her. I don’t think effei feels this way because she’s never heard of some of the arguments people are making. And hitting her over the head with our views isn’t likely to change her mind…if anything it’s more likely to make her discount all of our (good) advice in general. Sex is important to me. I have some friends for whom it is not. When i talk about the craziness i’ve dealt with in the name of good sex they look at me like i’m on crack. when they decribe sex as ‘pleasant’ and that’s good enough for them, i wonder if they should get a check-up from a doctor. But we are coming at the sex issue from two totally different sides and never the twain shall meet. So it is with effei so I hope everyone can let go of trying to convince her how quesitonable her decision to wait is. Not because i disagree, but because it seems pointless to me and may be doing more harm than good.
lyn Jul 19th 2008 at 12:33 am 16
The problem isn’t that Effei is a virgin, it is that this guy (who I’m assuming is not a virgin) became more into her when he found out she had no sexual experience. Men who specifically look to marry a virgin, when they themselves are not virgins, usually do so because of sexual issues (this isn’t guys who just happen to end up with a virgin, but those that seek them out or become more interested upon that mere fact). Whether it is lack of sex drive, size issues, an attempt to hide the fact that they are not attracted to women, etc. the “virgin seeker” usually has some confidence issues where they would rather the woman not have a reference point to compare them to.
If you’re a virgin for religious reasons, then find a man who shares your values, and abstains for the same reasons you do.
And if you are truly in love with a guy who isn’t a virgin himself and are going to marry him, have sex with him before you actually sign your name on the line… a few times. You’d still be learning with that person you love and are committed to, but it won’t be too late to bail if the experience is horrible!
mic Jul 19th 2008 at 06:53 pm 17
Many men want virgins. That virginity would be a positive to a man does not mean something is wrong with him. For example, it suggests that she’s less likely to stray. It might also predict a stronger chemical bond on her part, if it’s true that “the first cut is the deepest.”
The other comment missing from the discussion is that it’s very likely not virginity by itself that is making the woman more attractive to the man in question. It’s virginity plus physical attractiveness, in an adult woman in the Western world and not of, say, a very conservative religious sect. That’s very rare - and Evan pretty well explains the appeal thereof. How would people be reacting if he had listed “beauty” in that top 4 - would that be any worse than listing “virginity”? Most men and many women in budding relationships would list it if they were being honest.
JuJu Jul 20th 2008 at 07:26 am 18
That virginity would be a positive to a man does not mean something is wrong with him. For example, it suggests that she’s less likely to stray.
That is some faulty reasoning. Based on what bit of wisdom do you make this conclusion?
All right, personal example: I was a virgin back when I started dating my ex-husband (I married very young). He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was my first partner in every kind of sex. One of the reasons I eventually left him was that I wanted to have sex with other people. I was not at peace with the idea of having sex with one and the same man for the rest of my life.
I heard the exact same sentiment from other women as well.
Jennifer Jul 20th 2008 at 10:24 am 19
I agree with JuJu in post #18. I would be wary of dating virgins for that very reason. Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be sexually curious, which is what Mic’s comment seems to imply.
JuJu Jul 20th 2008 at 02:46 pm 20
I am amazed there are still people who think this way. It’s from the same series of myths as women supposedly not caring what the man looks like (all originating from the time when women simply didn’t have a choice).
Guys, we are a different gender, not a different species.
mic Jul 20th 2008 at 03:10 pm 21
If a virgin is religious and not very young, she probably is going to be less likely to stray (or leave). Since this is already getting away from the field of image consulting and of course prompting replies from the people who object, to stick to perceptions - if you ask a large random sample of people whether two very similar women who differ most significantly in how sexually experienced they are, most would be more surprised if the one with much less experience proved to be the less faithful one.
Cute Redhead Jul 20th 2008 at 07:46 pm 22
Evan: only 20 minutes?!!!
Cathouse Teri Jul 21st 2008 at 06:54 am 23
Effei said:
On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me” Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background. I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.
Sixth date? Complete me? Converting? Children?
It’s likely that by now, the guy has thrown up several more obvious red flags and Effei has already moved on. (I hope… I hope…)
mic Jul 21st 2008 at 01:22 pm 24
Actually, excluding marriages arranged in childhood, women probably have usually had some say historically. Also, if the past was anything like the present, where money seems to have won over looks, there likely is evidence of former good looks (Donald Trump). Maybe most of all, there probably wasn’t as much variety in physical attractiveness as there is now. Anything, it’s nice to hear that myth railed against and to be able to comment on it.
Question that probably won’t be answered: how attractive is the man the virgin writes about? Stereotype of the less attractive person wanting the relationship more. And if that’s true, would Effei be paying as much attention to the red flags if her admirer were a handsome guy?
Cute Redhead Jul 21st 2008 at 07:50 pm 25
I don’t know what Effei means by race — maybe she means culture. I know that India is much more conservative sexually than is the U.S. (no porn, no kissing/sex in movies, both men and women virgins at marriage, arranged marriages — and no, not from birth). Muslim countries or countries with a large Muslim population (Lebanon, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, etc.) are also much more conservative sexually. These types of culture clashes are becoming big issues on the international stage politically — non-Western cutures want the development that comes with globalization but reject the Western ideas of romance and sexuality that come with it. So Effei’s choices may be religious, cultural, racial (in whatever sense she means that), national, personal, all of the above. And in my view, more power to her — though living in a culture that doesn’t even acknowledge any other point of view regarding these very private issues is certainly challenging. I’m sure there are men from her background who would understand her choices without fetishizing her.
hunter Jul 21st 2008 at 08:07 pm 26
to JuJu on post #18
…just wondering,…your ex didn’t let you see other men? hhmmhh…..
hunter Jul 21st 2008 at 08:13 pm 27
….just maybe, “E”, is already bonded to this man and is asking us how she might go about breaking that bond. She has to start seeing other men as soon as she can….if she wants to let go….
Someone Jul 22nd 2008 at 09:09 am 28
I want to make a comment about this since life has changed and the majority have so many liberal points of views about sex. I am latin american and in my country people have gotten liberal, having sex before marriage, etc, but not everyone is like that. I am a 21 year old virgin woman, who have chosen to stay virgin until marriage, and have found a man who is 25 virgin man who shares my same views. His mother raised him with certain values that have made him respect me in a huge way. We are currently having a Long distance relationship that will end soon because I am moving to where he is.He is very sexually attracted to me and while we have been distant he has always asked me to do things via web cam and pictures to satisfy his pleasures.
Many people now think that if you don’t “test drive” your partner before marriage is possible that your marriage is a failure. and I believe is a lie. Me and my boyfriend are very open about sex, we always talk about it, and talk about the things we would like to do, sexual positions, fantasies, very explicitly. We had non-traditional sex that doesn’t involves penetration but we are still happy wit ourselves. We do things to satisfy ourselves sexually in a huge way, and if we feel insecure one day thinking that maybe one of us aren’t happy because we aren’t happy actual sex we talk about it openly. Of course we plan on having real sex soon but when we have been stable with are lives substantially and in the professional level. Condoms and anti-birth pills exist to avoid a pregnancy but I just don’t want to use them, just in case because you never know.
Just talk openly about sex, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but being sexual is important in a relationship and that doesn’t involve penetration, when you save something important for you to your partner is more meaningful. I believe people who sleep around are just empty souls looking for love.
Love yourself first, then your partner, have an open communication, and talk about everything you love and hate. You can love passionately and sexually your partner without losing your virginity. You just have to be creative.
Sex is important but a relationship should not be focused on sex, if it is, then is a ordinary and superficial relationship. I value my partner for the sacrifices he makes for me, not how good he is in bed, even though I know he is multi-orgasmic and I believe that is a great attribute he has, but if he weren’t any day is a good day to learn something new, sex isnt difficult, so I don’t understand why many people find it so difficult.
mic Jul 22nd 2008 at 11:47 am 29
An interesting thought, to follow some interesting (non-typical) perspectives on virginity:
Despite the stereotype of virgins-waiting-until-marriage as rather non-sexual people, doesn’t that scenario require a moderate amount of initial physical attraction (or chemistry) to instill confidence that the sex life, and in turn the health of the marriage, will be decent?
Someone Jul 22nd 2008 at 03:29 pm 30
I am a virgin, but that doesn’t mean I am not sexual. Since I hit puberty I always touched myself, and have fantasied millions of time of losing my virginity. My boyfriend too, obviously he masturbates to the extreme, is obvious. He is a virgin of course he needs that for relief. He comes from a catholic backround, and I come from a evangelic backround, we are both christians and we were raised with the typical perspective of losing our virginities after marriage with the right person.
But since many people are afraid of waiting and marrying the wrong person, then that is understandable. But when you take your time to say everything you feel to your love one, all the details of your life, past, present, what you expect in the future, how you want your sexual life to be, how do you want to have sex, where do you want to do it, then why you should have a problem with that?
And of course, why is so difficult for many people to be compatible sexually? If sex is so simple. I am a very passionate person, my boyfriend is too, we are both latinamericans, I am puertorican,, he is venezuelan and italian so, that is natural in us. You can easily know how a person is in bed, for the way that person talks to you, treats you, caresses you, kisses you.
As a woman I am always to my bf, and I tell him that I like to be respected, that I don’t like to feel used, and that I rather wait. Since the begining we talked about it. My boyfriend was raised without a father, his mother played both roles, and talked to him about everything, including sex, and she taugh him how to treat a woman, and that he should marry a decent girl.
My boyfriend confessed me that growing up without a father who didnt talked to him about sex and life, made him feel unconfortable, and since I came into his life he has been very open and happy, because we have talked about everything, the good things and bad things about sex.
When he moved to miami, years before knowing me, he hated the place. He doesnt like the woman there, they are pretty easy and slutty, and he always dreamed of having a decent girl, with good morals, and in Miami, there is free sex everywhere, he never feel into that trapt and keept being strong, and waited for a decent girl. His brother on the other hand, is very promiscuous, and since moving to Miami, always brought random women to his home to slept with them. When he got to Miami he told my boyfriend that the women of Miami are very different from Venezuela and he is not going to find a decent girl in this place. So he rather sleep around with girls and playing with her feelings without having any emotional attachment and feelings for them. I feel sorry for his brother really. He is in a relationship with a Cuban girl who has a son of another man, they are just friends, she thinks they are a couple but she is getting fooled.
I don’t want to live a life like that.
Someone Jul 22nd 2008 at 03:37 pm 31
We are not going to stay virgins forever, since I have been focusing on my studies we have been living far away, but my priority in my life has been getting educated and have a good profesion, not having sex and hook up, and thankfully I have found a person who shares my sames point of view.
Everyone has a different point of view so, everyone does what they feel comfortable doing. We both believe in true love, and we would do whatever it takes to be happy sexually, emotionally, spiritually. We may be christians but we aren’t boring lol, we can do all the positions of kamasutra if we want to. Who cares, as long as their love involved and the communication is open.
If people took the time to communicate openly, there would be more virgins in the world, but hey that’s just me.
JuJu Jul 22nd 2008 at 04:22 pm 32
My hunch is, you are a troll, but fine, I’ll bite.
The choice to remain a virgin until marriage without the choice to be chaste, unless imposed, seems inconsistent and meaningless to me.
hunter Jul 22nd 2008 at 09:05 pm 33
to someone one post #31
…I agree with you, I don’t know of anyone that has died, of not having sex……I might want to add, we do go through phases in life……
Someone Jul 23rd 2008 at 04:29 am 34
I am not a troll, and I won’t post in this forum again because I am so happy with my life, and is so unnecessary to discuss something so private as my sexual life. I don’t even need to discuss any details on how to make my relationship work to strangers on the internet, nor to I have to get influenced by strangers on the internet.
I value myself too much, even my private parts. I don’t want to share my private parts, with any person. There are a lot of germs and diseases out there. Many people have fun having sex with many people without string attached, but when they arrived home they worry about STD’s or pregnancy, or other personal problems when those things are not my concern. Plus life is too expensive and difficult now. I don’t want to have kids now. I don’t want to end up infertile because of taking anti-birth pills for a long time, condoms may be accessible and cheap, but I don’t trust them. There are other types of sex that don’t involve penetration that you can have with your partner while waiting :). I am clean, my boyfriend is clean, and my relationship is special because of that. Girls at 10 are getting pregnant now in every corner of the world, so, sex isn’t so hard to do :).
Well bye bye. If I insulted you sorry.People get insulted when you proclaim that you are a virgin in these times. I feel clean, happy I don’t have any strings attached to any partner I had with my past, my boyfriend neither, so I am pretty happy, and if I man doesn’t respect that then bye bye. I have a career and can take care of myself, if I have sex before marriage as I said, it will be other types, and my boyfriend has discussed that with me, and prefers me to be virgin until marriage, if he were a jerk forcing me to have sex when I am not prepared, mentally, financially, etc, (majority of people in the earth are like this), then I will end the relationship. If I do end up sex because I love the person to much I want to demonstrate the person how I feel then of course, I will take safely measures, but that is not in my plans. I chose abstinence.
Why the hurry to have sex? The person who reaches the goal first, does not necessary mean he is right or his life is better than anyone else who chose a different path. Every experience is different :). If you are from the U.S I have no doubt about the way you think. People are too influenced with Hollywood, over there. U.S is too liberal when it comes to sex, but if that way of thinking works for people then fine. My way of thinking works for me. I am clean, and I can leave a relationship without feeling dirty or used, if a man does not respect that then he missed a great person, but since my boyfriend likes me, and respect me, and of course we are not going to stay virgins forever, we plan to get married soon. We are capable of loving ourselves without penetration. And being a virgin does not mean I will be lost, on my first time. Is a natural act, so I am not afraid of it.
Bye and take care.
Cathouse Teri Jul 23rd 2008 at 07:46 am 35
Virginity is definitely overrated. This, from a whore.
Cute Redhead Jul 23rd 2008 at 06:33 pm 36
Good for you, Someone! I wish more people — esp. men — would speak with respect about the act of lovemaking. I think you are right in many ways — here in the U.S., with the way sex, love, partnership are depicted in the media and so much porn everywhere you would think that sex was nothing more important than going to the bathroom — just a biological function. You never hear/read anything about the emotions involved, the spiritual aspect of it (I mean, this is how we all got here and how we bring others into existence — it’s a mysterious thing!) — but you can’t convince others that these types of transcendent experiences are available through lovemaking — maybe they are not able to have them, so perhaps it is better that they don’t know. But to experience that sublime feeling of transcendent sex with your beloved partner — just mind-blowing. I think, Someone, that you have this in your future with your intended.
hunter Jul 24th 2008 at 05:21 pm 37
on post #34
no offense taken here….we all live in our own world, and there is room for everyone!……….
Effie Aug 11th 2008 at 12:34 pm 38
Sorry it took me so long to respond, all the comments have been really helpful. Just updating the readers, I ended it with the guy. We hung out a few times after that, and I just didn’t feel the sincerity. His actions were not matching his words (I always kept in mind Evan’s advice on what he does means more than what he says). Here is a nugget- he asked me to pay his cell phone bill 2 weeks after that incident. Over text message. Needless to say, I didn’t and everything pretty much went downhill very fast after I quickly realized that he wasn’t very responsible or mature. I’m not dissapointed- I think I learned a lot from him and I didn’t compromise on anything!
Redheaded beauty Aug 15th 2008 at 12:02 am 39
Wow, I’ve really enjoyed reading this epilogue.
I’m 26… and whilst I’ve been intimate with guys I actually haven’t done the deed.
I think my upbringing has played a huge part without going into huge detail.
I’ve never been in a serious relationship so have really protected myself mostly. I know that for a woman, everything is more emotional once they’ve had intercourse. But I’m really at the point now where I’m ready if I meet the right guy.
I’ve recently met one I really like. We’ve only been out twice but I feel really comfortable with him. Of course, he has wanted to have sex but has also respected that I say ‘not yet’. Though I haven’t told him I haven’t yet. These posts have been good for me about knowing the right time to tell- normally I’m the one that runs before we even get to ‘the chat’.
It’s a scarey thing because I don’t want to scare him off either but I want to get the ball rolling too…. if you know what I mean.
Crissy Aug 28th 2008 at 05:33 pm 40
I totally agree with Someone and I relate to Effie. I’m 26 and a virg, and a few weeks ago I started dating a guy that had a secret crush on me for two years. When I “dropped the bomb” he said “Noooo…for real?” and started acting as if he wanted to marry me. I think it’s because he thought that if he doesn’t level-up his “standards” around me, I’d dump him. I told him that it weirded me out and he seemed to relax more (So Effie should let her guy know). FYI, I’m still dating him and he wants me to change the status to boyfriend.
I’m proud to be myself. I don’t swear, litter, or have intercourse (sex). That doesn’t mean that I don’t find jokes with profanity hilarious or that I’ve decided that other intimacies are off limits. But that is my well thought-out decision, just like Effie has made her decisions. My friends are very supportive and I haven’t dated a guy that was put off by my sexual status yet. When I’ve had my break-ups, it was for other reasons.
I tell them my limitations, but we still have pleasing experiences as a couple. I usually like a guy that I’ve known for a while, so he already knows that I’m a virg, or saw my purposely public “virgins for condoms” rant online. But if I have to tell a guy, it’s just like saying that I’m not into rap even though that’s the stereotype for black people.
Also, I agree that there are various ways to learn how to please and be pleased. I have tools at home to please myself, I know what I want and I tell that to my new guy when we talk about intimacy. I talk about sex with my experienced friends, go to sex discussions at my college, and have books and tapes about learning yourself and pleasing your partner. Because I know that it’s better to be prepared when going into a marriage than going in blindfolded. When I find “the one,” I plan to encourage him to watch and read about sex too. Just because some guys are more “experienced” doesn’t mean that they don’t need further instruction to do me right.
I know that my sexual status puts me into an unusual position as a partner. But if there are any issues as to the ability to have sex, I am open to discussing it with “the one” before marriage. I am also taking psychology to become a marriage and family counselor, so I approve sex counselors and counselors in general, for that outside, unbiased opinion. I know plenty of people who have sex outside of marriage, and I respect their decisions. In fact, I go to them for their opinions about things. But, I also know a couple of people that have chosen not to have sex even though they are married, because of lack of sexual drive and other issues.
As long as the couple is being satisfied, which can mean several things, then the relationship will last. If a man hides his dissatisfaction from his wife, it’s not the sex that’s the problem, it’s communication. Besides, you can agree to satisfy him one way if he satisfies you in another. There isn’t just one clear road to take to sexual happiness. Everyone has to do what’s right for them. In the end, Effie might be more satisfied that she stayed true to herself than listening to a bunch of strangers telling her to “give it up” when she only asked for advice about a weirdo. I know I’m not mentally ready to loose my virg, risk having a kid or a STD while seeking my career. In fact, being a virg is a part of my persona that I fantasize about giving up on my wedding night with a well-informed husband.
JuJu Sep 1st 2008 at 12:31 pm 41
re: post 38
I wonder if a correlation may be drawn…
Experienced Sep 10th 2008 at 10:51 pm 42
Ok, I saw this and I had to respond.
Here are my 2 cents… this happened about 6 years ago.
I was a virgin at age 28. I met a guy through a friend (my first boyfriend, if you can believe it). Something told me he wasn’t serious about me from the very start (the word “convenience” kept flashing through my brain), but I foolishly ignored that instinct, and figured “if he’s kissing me, holding me, etc. he must care for me!” My first mistake was assuming that this was the case.
My second mistake was that I told him that I was a virgin the first night we messed around (about a week after we met), and although we did a lot of stuff together, we didn’t actually do “the deed.”
BUT, from that moment on, he kept talking about it…obsessing about it… he had a fascination of sorts with my being a virgin - he kept mentioning that he knew a girl in college who had had sex for the first time (and had a bad experience) and that afterwards, she had commented that she “didn’t know sex could be that bad!” My boyfriend bemoaned the fact that it was like that for her (implying, of course, that he would have done a better job).
Now I am not religious - I am an agnostic. But, sex, nevertheless, meant something to me, because if it didn’t I would have done it immediately (due basically to the lust in my loins). I did not. I waited… for a while. I should have waited longer.
A month into the relationship, he pulled out the condoms one night. I didn’t accept the invitation that night, but I thought about it, started to worry that he wouldn’t stay with me if I didn’t concede, decided that I didn’t want to be a virgin forever (that was a bad decision, in and of itself) and talked myself into it (we had sex the next afternoon), telling myself it would be fun, and I could handle it…. Hoo boy was I WRONG!!!
Ok, the sex was fun and actually really good for the first time and the second time, and I really enjoyed the act, itself.
However, after that he immediately started to grow distant, and pull away from me. The sex deteriorated. 2 months after the day, he dumped me (an hour after we had had sex without a condom because the birth control had finally kicked in - this, I may point out, was another of his obsessions, and another ENORMOUSLY stupid mistake on my part. I was extremely lucky I didn’t get an STD).
Prior to that day of infamy, he ignored my birthday, ditched me for his guy friends, put me down on a regular basis, and generally acted like a complete jackass. Nice guy eh? Really worth giving HIM my virginity, eh? And the worst part of it was that the oxytocin had, indeed, kicked in and I was in love with this jerk when he threw me away like a used kleenex.
It took me 5 years to get over him.
So, I say this to you: Virginity is not something to be taken lightly, and while I don’t necessarily regret having sex (because I enjoy sex) I most definitely DO regret having had it with that reprobate, who only wanted to sleep with a virgin.
HEED MY WARNING, EFFIE!!!
RUN THE OTHER WAY!!
THIS GUY IS SHOWING HIS TRUE COLOURS AND INTENTIONS AND HE DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU!
Now, I am not saying that you should never have premarital sex, but for goodness sake, if you do decide to go through with it MAKE DAMNED SURE THAT THE GUY CARES ABOUT YOU FIRST!!!
And I reiterate, this guy you speak of does NOT care about you - that much is clear.
I do not agree with the common idea that you should have sex casually, just to test the waters. You need to be choosy. And I think that if you want to stay a virgin, that is not necessarily a bad decision. Your religious beliefs are worthy of respect, and you will likely regret having sex if you do something that is at odds with them, even if you luck out and the sex, itself, is good.
Just make sure that (if you decide to wait) when you do get married, you talk about sex first, and invest in a copy of The Joy of Sex, and some other literature, and read it, and discuss it openly with your fiancee ahead of time (if he won’t do this, then that may be another red flag that you should look out for). That ought to help you out on the wedding night.
At any rate, from someone who’s been there and done that, and speaks from experience, this guy is a complete jerk!
Dump him immediately and find someone compatible, and special. Don’t give your virginity to a cad!
I did and I still regret it to this day.