Jun04
Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet
Pages: 1 2
Hi Evan,
I have been online dating for about two months and it’s been so-so thus far. My problem is deciding how to list my body type. I’m 5′3" and an hourglass-ish size 10, so while I’m not obese, I’m definitely not "athletic and toned." I chose pictures that I think accurately show this.
Anyway, at first I listed myself as "A few pounds extra" thinking it was an honest description. Well, two male co-workers were talking about online dating and mentioned that they’d never contact a girl that was in that class or "curvy", because any time they’d met one in the past, she’d been much heavier than in her pictures.
I’m wondering if this is why guys will view me a lot, but won’t make contact. The guys who have made contact have been people that I probably would not have dated normally, i.e., no steady job or just a little odd.
Any suggestions?
Nicci
On the next episode of Online Mythbusters, we will learn:
- Why women don’t list their true weights or body types!
- Why men avoid “curvy” women!
- Why men look at you and don’t write to you!
- Why odd men with no jobs contact you!
You have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so?
The good news, Nicci, is that all of the answers can be derived from the same exact technique – flipping things over to consider the other person’s point of view.
Let’s start with you, because a) you wrote me the note, and b) you’re an online dating anomaly – an honest size 10 who doesn’t claim to be athletic and toned.
However, after talking to your male co-workers and observing that you’re not being contacted, you have to be asking yourself – is it REALLY in my best interests to tell the truth if 95% of guys are going to dismiss me for doing so? This is the online dating dilemma that faces MILLIONS of people each day. If I’m a 5’4” man, I know that it’s going to be hard to get a date if I tell the truth. If I’m a 50-year-old man who makes less than $30,000/year, I’m going to be somewhat handicapped. And few people face more discrimination than women in their 50’s and 60’s, who only seem to get email from men who are MUCH older.
Most of these people are good people – and yet they give in to the temptation to lie. Why? Because telling the truth is a FAILING strategy. This is the explanation for why women don’t tell the truth about their bodies. Simply put, there’s very little reward for having integrity. At the very least, heavier women (like shorter men) feel that if they can convince someone to go out with them, they’d have a chance in person….
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Online Dating Tips & Advice
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Michael Ejercito Jun 4th 2008 at 09:02 am 1
Do fat men prefer thin women?
Marc Jun 4th 2008 at 10:02 am 2
She’s to be admired for being honest about her weight, and I’d urge her to continue doing so. It’s not fair to her or anyone she’d go on a date with to show up heavier than she claims to be in her profile. I remember one Jdate incident where the woman had only a head shot in her profile, and listed herself as petite when in fact she was far from petite. She was actually quite nice, but I was annoyed by her lie, and it got unnecessarily awkward when she continued to contact me after the date.
Steve Jun 4th 2008 at 10:05 am 3
I often see ads from women who write statements such as “I’m 127 but I have been told I can pass for 90″. Sometimes that isn’t true. It makes the person look like they are living in their own world. I think it is better to put up accurate pictures with a date stamp, a real age, and let people judge for themselves.
Steve Jun 4th 2008 at 10:06 am 4
Michael, post #2. Yes. I think the film “The Tao Of Steve” portrays that attitude accurately.
Jennifer Jun 4th 2008 at 10:37 am 5
You know, just the other day I was talking to my friends about how annoyed i was that the term ‘curvy’ is now known as a euphemism for overweight. It’s possible to be athletic and toned and curvy (ie., not have slender or boyish hips, wear a full B or C-cup, etc.) but as soon as anyone hears curvy they assume it means ‘big’. It’s a shame, cause it’s a good descriptor.
BTW, I’m not knocking girls with boyish hips or girls that are overweight. Just saying that neither one is curvy
Michael Ejercito Jun 4th 2008 at 11:18 am 6
If those fat men want thin women, they should lose weight.
Robyn Jun 4th 2008 at 11:32 am 7
Nicci, I have the same physical stats as you, and I list myself as either “curvy” or “average.” I have to say that this has not stopped guys of any type from contacting me. (The major problem I’m experiencing at the moment is that the majority of men contacting me are either over 50 [I'm 35] or in Israel - but that’s for another column.)
I have to agree with Evan about marketing yourself properly. I have professionally-shot pictures that get compliments all the time, and they are accurate photos (the guys say so on dates). I have a hilarious essay that guys really respond to.
…and I’m still single. But I don’t attribute that to my being curvy. I think of my curves as an asset. If you think of them that way, and market yourself in the most positive way, I think you’ll get more responses. They may not be from guys you want to date, but as Evan pointed out, there are always going to be more people you’re not interested in than those you are.
Just refresh your essay and pics - maybe get some feedback by friends (or strangers?) before posting them. And see if your response rate changes.
Sally Jun 4th 2008 at 12:24 pm 8
I am a curvy girl (5′7″, size 12, D cups) and have always stated that in my profile. BUT, the difference is, in my essay, my opening line was… “Ever see the road sign ‘Dangerous Curves Ahead’?
I was bombarded with replies.
Honesty about your curves is good, but if your profile essay reflects your confidence in yourself, the men WILL respond. I’ve been with a wonderful man (who is incredibly athletic and fit) for two and a half years who adores my curves. Hang in there, Nicci!
Bev Jun 4th 2008 at 12:53 pm 9
I thought ‘curvy’ was an hourglass figure with large breasts and nice hips and a small waist. Isn’t that what men want? Do they really want ’skinny’? I’m baffled.
Lance Jun 4th 2008 at 01:42 pm 10
I always find “curvy” to be fat/big when I do searches, which is unfortunate but true for the folks who are truly curvy. If I was Nicci, I would go with the “average” label. If she plays sports at all or works out, she could reasonably put athletic. If she’s not playing sports or working out, she SHOULD BE…the benefits go far beyond online dating.
I’ve never held it against a person if they fib a bit with their label.
I think it’s important just to show up in searches and let people decide based on your pictures and profile. While I may not be the majority, my first search is always slender + athletic and toned. If I don’t find anything I like with that search, I’ll expand out to include average also, but I only do the secondary search maybe 1 out of 10 times.
IMO, it’s a flaw in the system and not a flaw of the user. I have no problem with using the system to get what I want, and I would never hold it against someone else either. Hey, all’s fair, right? Don’t stress about the labeling thing.
Ambrosiality.com Jun 4th 2008 at 01:51 pm 11
Just say Average!!
and if your more than an size 8/10 well say you meant the average American woman =)
A-L Jun 4th 2008 at 03:03 pm 12
I’ve got similar stats to Nicci & Robyn, and I put average. I also have felt the same pull as Nicci to be more honest and put curvy or a few extra pounds but haven’t for that very reason (though I’ve seen recently that more guys will list curvy along with the slender and athletic & toneds).
I realize my weight is more of an issue than it is for men, as no guy seems to have a problem with it, but I still feel a certain degree of self-consciousness. I just act like I don’t.
And I also have accurate full body shots, though from the most flattering angle possible. I think so long as the photos are accurate, then the guy will feel he knows what he’s getting into and won’t be disappointed in person.
In terms of e-mails/winks from the wrong men, I don’t even consider them. What I mean by that is, if I say I haven’t gotten any e-mails, it’s that I haven’t gotten any from someone halfway decent, NOT that 55 year olds from a couple of states over haven’t sent me some spam.
Collins Jun 4th 2008 at 03:51 pm 13
To answer Michael in posts #1 & #6: Some men, of any size, do prefer thin women because American pop culture has taught them to. But one thing that people of both genders & all sizes should keep in mind is: Male & female are opposites that usually do attract, but beyond that, you attract what you are. And I for one do not equate “curvy” with “overweight.” I don’t want a Camryn Manheim, but I don’t want a Calista Flockhart either. I want a happy medium, someone whom I can hug & not worry about breaking her bones, nor about her breaking mine when she’s on top during sex. Looks may land me initially, but personality will keep me in the long run. However much a gal may weigh, her beauty will flow from the inside out.
And in reply to Robyn paraphrasing Evan in post #7 (”…there are always going to be more people you’re not interested in than those you are…”) I say amen! Whichever gender you are/seek, if you seek gold, you must dig through a lot of dirt. Or, to put it another way: Dating is a lottery; the more people there are to choose from, the harder it will be to find the right one.
Michael Ejercito Jun 4th 2008 at 04:18 pm 14
A-L,
You can always try searching for men and initiating e-mail.
I have received winks on Match.com and Date.com
Barb Jun 4th 2008 at 07:20 pm 15
Nicci exposes one of the flaws of online dating. WE (yes, all of us) find ourselves drawn to the perfect match without knowing the person. As opposed to when we meet someone LIVE, we can be drawn to a them despite the two-dimensional attributes. My two cents.
A-L Jun 4th 2008 at 08:09 pm 16
Michael,
In reference to post #14, I do e-mail guys, and don’t always wait for them to contact me.
Brian Jun 4th 2008 at 11:08 pm 17
A woman wrote to me whose photos looked like she might be fairly full figured. She was charming and very funny and we soon called eachother and burned through whole cell batteries at a time. She did tell me that she was ‘Curvy’
Not usually my style, I liked her well enough to get together in person. We hit it off very well and had a great time together. I suggest that at least for me, it was worth taking a chance on finding a wonderful person who just happens to carry a few “extra” pounds.
Heather Jun 5th 2008 at 05:48 am 18
I have found this issue to be a big one for me as I started online dating recently.
Two years ago, I weighed 140 pounds and wore a size 6, but due to a serious illness and the prescribed medication, I am now 5′ 6″ and wear a size 12. I have been steadily losing weight now that I am off the medication that caused me to gain it all, but I find that this ‘in between’ period has been very difficult.
I work out 6 days a week; I can run 6 miles at a time, etc and am, by all accounts, fit and athletic…and curvy. Because I am carrying extra weight on my frame, I have found men to not be as interested and I have lost a lot of confidence that I once had.
It will probably take another 6 months to lose the rest of my weight (as I am doing it the old fashioned way - exercise and eating right - but to think it may take that long to find someone who is into me and my size is incredibly frustrating.
I have a pretty face, a quick wit, and am a good conversationalist… I have been on several dates where I thought things have gone very well, but there has been little follow up. I can’t help but wonder if it is because of my size. My profile (on eHarmony) has accurate, recent pictures, but I still wonder… Telling this story (as I have here) is not exactly something one should put in their online profile.
Has anyone else had a similar experience at all?
Jennifer Jun 5th 2008 at 06:37 am 19
Bev #9- I agree, that’s also what I think of when I use ‘curvy’- it’s more about the curve of a woman’s hips than her abdomen. But unfortunately the term is used pretty loosely/incorrectly now. If people didn’t automatcially see ‘curvy’ as ‘big’, then truly curvy girls would show up in more searches and full-body pictures would provide all clarity needed about her body size.
Cilla Jun 5th 2008 at 10:05 am 20
Heather, you and I have very similar stories. I used to be very thin (5′3″, 105 lbs) and gained about 40 pounds over last 5 years, due to medications, a knee injury, etc. I have slowly been taking it off (don’t weigh myself, but I’ve dropped two jeans sizes). I’m a healthy looking 8/10, but at only 5′3″ every pound looks like more.
I do list myself as “curvy” on dating sites, because I feel it is the most honest representation of my body. I’d rather have men dismiss me online than meet me in person and be disappointed. I liken it to putting those “chicken cutlets” in your bra to make it look like you are well endowed–at some point the truth will come out!
I never really equated curvy with being overweight–I always thought it was more like a Raquel Welch/Salma Hayek kind of figure (vs. Kate Moss or Jennifer Aniston). I mean, what adjective would you pick to describe Salma Hayek? I don’t think it’s “slender” or “athletic.” I think men have different perceptions of it, too, because some totally hot guys are willing to look at curvy gals, and some are not. I figure the ones who are willing to date those of us with curves are more interested in the whole person, and not just our outward appearance. And they appreciate a more realistic woman’s body, not something created by Madison Avenue!
I’m probably a month away from being able to list myself as “athletic/toned.” The question is: will I? Maybe I’ll stay with curvy and just put in a few flattering but real body shots and let the guys decide. Do I really want to date someone who is so hung up on physique? I’ve had a good response to my profile from the men who have taken the time to read it–isn’t that what I’m looking for?
And how honest are the men on these sites? I recently stumbled across the profile for one of my clients at work. He listed himself as divorced, when I know for a fact he is still just separated. His body was said to be “athletic,” although I would probably describe him as “slim,” and the biggest hoot of all was his hair. He listed “blond.” Well, what’s left of it may be, but I would definitely put him in the “bald” category! LOL!
Hang in there. And as a last .02, I’d say the dating site matters. I found the most superficial men are on Match.com. I have had much better correspondence from men on MillionaireMatch.com. Time will tell!
JB Jun 5th 2008 at 11:01 am 21
I’m wondering if any of these women know that most men of ANY size rarely if ever get a response unless they’re a 9 or 10. Imagine if you’re an electrician,plumber or a mechanic of any body type. Unless they look like a model these men have zero value and get 0 responses. How about a male lawyer or accountant who’s “husky” or has a bit of middle aged “gut” ? No chance. Most women have never been a man online to see the other side of the coin.
Sam Jun 5th 2008 at 11:59 am 22
I admit I find fat to be very unattractive, but I give a lot of credit to a woman who is at least trying to stay thin and who can keep up with me in outdoors activities.
Fat on a girl’s stomach isn’t appealling, but it isn’t as annoying as when a girl says that she’s tired after we’ve only walked a mile or two.
If you are overweight/curvy my advice is to try to seem like you’re trying to lose weight. When you’re on a date have a salad instead of French fries. Offer to walk somewhere instead of drive.
If the guy you’re dating is health conscious, he’ll respect you for trying to be thin, even if your heredity doesn’t allow it.
Susie Jun 5th 2008 at 12:24 pm 23
I’m 5″4, and I really am athletic and toned (under 20% body fat; cardio and weights, 5-6 days/ week, plus martial arts, yoga, rock climbing, ultimate). I find the range of people who define themselves as “athletic and toned” to be ludicrous. It includes those who worked out 10 years ago, but haven’t done so since then, and those whose arms are toned, but are otherwise fat. One of my friends suggested that they should add an additional category: “superbuff”!
I wouldn’t look at a guy who wasn’t “slender” or “athletic and toned”. I’m sorry if that sounds shallow, but since I live up to that standard, I hold dates to it as well. Anyone for whom fitness isn’t important, isn’t a good match for me.
I’d say, call yourself “average” or “curvy”, and make your main shot a really hot one of you!
downtowngal Jun 5th 2008 at 07:13 pm 24
Uch, all of this makes me think more and more how much online dating has completely f*#(ed up the dating scene.
I’ve seen lots of curvy/fat/voluptuous/or whatever women meet and end up w/great guys who like them for THEM. And if you look at these women it’s their confidence that attracts these guys, who probably would have passed over their profiles on line if these gals labeled themselves as such.
Same thing for guys under a certain height or income level.
It’s the whole package that people are attracted to…since when did we have to become experts in creative writing to find true love?
TMan Jun 6th 2008 at 03:19 am 25
List yourself as “average”. Include photos and specify how recent they are in your profile.
Alan Jun 6th 2008 at 06:49 am 26
I’d encourage you to be honest. In the end, once you meet in person the truth will be out. Much better to be honest up front and rejected up front, than waste time on someone who will reject you later for the same reason (if not also for your dishonesty). You’re not interested in those clowns anyways, so go for truth and try to attract men who are attracted to you.
Evan is dead on about body type descriptors. Because so many people are not honest, all of the descriptors have become a euphemism for at least the next one beyond. We’ve been trained to be skeptical about descriptor accuracy, meaning that “a few more pounds” or “curvy” or “voluptuous” all equate (in our mind) to “overweight” regardless of much else. Sure, photos help offset that, but photos aren’t foolproof either. The truth will bear out when you meet the person – that’s the real test.
Cilla Jun 6th 2008 at 08:21 am 27
Nothing personal, but comments like Susie’s are why so many of us are using “curvy.” There ought to be a website where all the “superbuff” singles can go to date online–bathing suit shots only.
Steve Jun 6th 2008 at 09:09 am 28
Cilla, about post #27
I’ve been on both sides of the buff\out-o-shape dichotomy a number of times. I’ve had everyone’s feelings. I’ve also had everyone’s preferences.
One of the values of Evan’s blog are comments like Susie’s. You aren’t going to get the straight scoop in real life,but this blog lets people be honest about the dating sphere without any risk. That information can then be used to help you get more of what you want. If not, at the least, the honesty is refreshing.
In the dating world, even ( especially?) people on your team are not going to be honest with you. Telling people what it is, is often a thankless job. Nobody wants to hurt anyone’s feelings or find themselves in awkward situations. They care more about avoiding those things then making sure you have a realistic appraisal of the situation you are in.
Rachel Jun 6th 2008 at 11:53 am 29
You have to be honest to attract the kind of guy/girl who will STICK AROUND and be interested in YOU. Would you rather get rejected in person after you lie and get the date? Ugh. At any rate, Black and white descriptions are a load of crap. I agree with the ladies who said that you can be athletic and slim and toned and curvy — and petite too. I’m all of the above — five foot one, 98 pounds, 34 - 24 - 34, and very toned from being a Pilates instructor. I had a good friend in school who was five foot four, toned, hourglass figure, and va-va-voom whether she was a size 8 or a size 12.
JB Jun 6th 2008 at 12:38 pm 30
You guys are missing the question…”Why Don’t Men Write Curvy Women On The Internet ?” For the exact same reason WOMEN don’t respond to or contact men THEY don’t find attractive.
NOONE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH SOMEONE THEY AREN’T ATTRACTED TO.
It really is THAT simple.
Why does every woman on Yahoo think THEY’RE “average” weight ? What does that mean ?? The average woman weighs 200lbs ?? The average for THEIR height ??? It’s all an opinion, like the word attractive. Everyone thinks THEY’RE attractive….lol
and everyone may be to someone….I guess
Eda Jun 6th 2008 at 02:41 pm 31
I actually think that the self assessment of one’s body size should just be eliminated from online dating sites. As Evan has indicated, telling the truth is often a losing strategy, and even when a person is inclined to tell the truth, he/she still wants to describe him/herself in the most positive light — that’s why women say they are curvy as opposed to fat and that’s why men say they are big like football players as opposed to fat. So, instead of being forced to describe themselves, people should just be required to submit at least one viewable full body date stamped photo that must be updated annually. This way, the men/women viewing the person’s profile can decide for themselves, based on the photo, whether or not they find the person physically attractive.
Susie Jun 6th 2008 at 03:30 pm 32
If it’s any consolation to women who are curvy, keep in mind that some of us athletic types stay that way partly because we can’t manage “curvy”. If I gain weight (and I’ve been 20 lbs heavier than I am now), I don’t get curvy - I lose my waist very quickly, and just look blocky. I have flat-chested, slender friends who just get bellies when they gain weight, and they don’t look good.
Hourglass figures don’t generally have that problem, so consider yourselves fortunate!
And if you want someone conventionally attractive, when you are less so, the best bet is to meet in person (not online), and wow them with your personality. That goes a long way, and there are a lot of overtly mismatched couples who are perfect for each other, and found that out in person.
To each his/her own, right?
Tyler Moss Jun 7th 2008 at 06:33 am 33
This is actually very interesting. Most guys I know play the numbers game when it comes to online dating. They usually contact lots of women even if their profile says curvy. I’m not even sure if they take much time to read most womens profiles.
Markus Jun 9th 2008 at 09:38 am 34
I have to echo Susie’s post. Look, fair or not, I’m 39 and work my ass off to stay in this shape. I’m not saying you need to be a gym rat, I don’t even go to a gym, but in the end it’s just something else that people want to have in common.
Ceilisundancer Jun 9th 2008 at 11:31 am 35
I say to be honest, and if someone overlooks you for the wrong reason, it’s his loss. A girlfriend and I both filled out an online dating survey years ago. She’d chose the answers that she thought would get her more responses, and were within the range of true. I’d rather let others and myself move on if we’re not going to be a good match. As for guys who fib a bit? I may overlook a little bit, say, the height’s off by an inch, or the weight by a few pounds, but being off by a lot, in a lot of areas (divorced 3 times, and 40 pounds heavier, and, well, I didn’t have as much respect for that guy just for his misrepresentation).
vino Jun 9th 2008 at 05:46 pm 36
Interesting how the concepts of size have changed over time. I remember a conversation with a girl I went out once with…
Her: How big is your dog?
Me: About 95 lbs
Her: That’s about the same as me!
Me: How much do you weigh again?
Her: 116
Me: And how tall are you?
Her: 5′2″
Me: Really?
pause….
Her: ‘Cause I’m a size zero in some makers.
Me: Honey, today’s size zero is yesterday’s size six
Ok, it’s harsh. Man, she was egotistical, and needed a bit of a reality check. Was that the way to go? Perhaps not. But she was on the cusp of cushy.
The reality is that both sexes today are larger than they used to be. I think the size manipulation on ladies’ clothes don’t help. It’s deceptive marketing. The above story, while a bit harsh (and true, I might add), indicates the different perspectives. Simply put, guys in general don’t want ‘curvy’ women. That’s a euphemism for ‘fat’ to the vast majority of male visitors to dating sites.
Kudos for being honest. But, I’d suggest that the OP might better spend her time in other arenas - hiking clubs, book clubs, softball leagues, etc…where she’ll get more mileage out of personality.
Eda Jun 9th 2008 at 08:12 pm 37
After reading this blog for months, my question is what type of woman (or man for that matter) IS actually having success with on-line dating? It appears that it’s not just “curvy” women who struggle, but ethnic women, women over 40, attractive women, unattractive women, successful women, women who want successful men, women who live in New York, women who live in small towns, single moms, women who have sex on the first date; women who don’t have sex on the first date, women who want to get married and have children; women who don’t know what they want.
I guess the point I am making is that it appears lots of people have challenges with online dating. I guess I am wondering why is it that “curvy” women are just about the only group I can recall being told that they’d do better off line. Is being “curvy” really that much of a hurdle?
Also, I’m really not convinced that a great personality can overcome a man’s physical preferences when it comes to body types. If a man typically likes blondes and he meets an awesome redhead, yeah, I think he can compromise. But if a man likes thin, toned, athletic women, I think it’s highly unlikely that a “curvy” girl with a winning personality is someone he’ll want to be with long term. Yes, he might go out with her and even have sex with her, but I think it’s rare that men stay with women they don’t find physically attractive. I would actually argue that I don’t even think it’s a good idea for a woman to go out with a man who doesn’t find her physically attractive. Once I went out with a guy who made a point of telling me several times that I was not the typical woman he would date because, at the time, I was quite overweight . I did not deceive him about my weight so I was quite surprised by his behavior. He acted as if he was doing me a great favor by going out with me. Needless to say, I had no interest in going out with him again. I never want to be with someone who doesn’t find me attractive and I just don’t think men can make themselves like something they don’t. Am I wrong?
Steve Jun 10th 2008 at 05:43 am 38
It seems like that much of what Evan does is gently getting people to accept realities they are already aware of and encouraging them to work with those realities.
It isn’t late breaking news that people, especially men, tend to be looks driven. It isn’t late breaking news that most women like successful men, that most women like men who are taller than they are, that most people prefer to date people who are not dramatically outside of their age range.
If people accepted reality, Evan would be out of a career. However, so would most psychologists and day time talk show hosts.
Markus Jun 10th 2008 at 05:53 am 39
@ vino, that was pretty harsh man.
@Eda, lots of people have success online dating. Is it hard? In most cases yes. And define success? Is it not “success” until you’re in a LTR for a year? I’m just trying to understand. It is hard though. To me, what makes it hardest is always thinking there’s something better out there. I’ve done it and try to curb it but without settling. I just started seeing an incredible woman I met on match. Hope it works out. BTW, I’m 39, she’s 43 and put “about avg” in her profile. She was being too hard on herself.
Steve Jun 10th 2008 at 05:54 am 40
Eda;
About post #37
I can’t speak for all men, but I think you are right. Given a choice, men prefer not to stay with women that they do not find physically attractive. Other things do matter to us a lot, but visual attraction is always going to be a card in the deck.
Not all men want or even like the look of fashion models. If a woman keeps herself in good shape and has a decent face she can play her other cards to make a man be happy to be with her.
Dating Headshots Jun 10th 2008 at 08:57 am 41
First off, don’t give up after just two months! Noone finds their perfect match in that amount of time. Online Dating can be very frustrating!
There are a lot of good answers here from readers. Like many said, don’t worry, lots of men LOVE curvey woman. Lots of men actually have little interest in models, they really find them too skinny (and tall). That media model archetype causes so much frustration for normal women.
I’d go with what a few others said: Rewrite your profile and reexamine the photos you’ve picked. This is all that people have to go on. Does your profile just list your likes/dislikes but not show off your personality? Look at it like an advertiser would: Does this make me want to take action and buy? If not then write it again. Could you have better profile photos? Lots of people use photos that are okay but don’t make them look their best.
Selena Jun 10th 2008 at 09:44 am 42
116 lbs. is overweight? Dunno. I’m about 5′3″ and I must say I’ve gotten alot more compliments being 115 lbs. than I did the year I weighed 97-103 lbs. Guess some men do prefer curves over planes, go figure. Cushy…funny.
Mike Jun 10th 2008 at 10:11 am 43
I personally allow for “Curvy” in my searches…I look at the photos to decide if the girl’s definition of “curvy” matches my definition. I do like curves and don’t mind a couple of extra pounds! But what does scare me a bit is that “curvy” today may end up being more than a few extra pounds down the road, especially after marriage. Yes, I’m looking to settle down and get married. I had heard a quote once that the average woman gains 15 lb in the first year after marriage! It seems like there is truth to the phrase that women marry men hoping that they will change, and men marry women hoping that they won’t.
Sam Jun 10th 2008 at 11:16 am 44
I’m on the side of Susie with this issue. If you hold yourself to a standard in something, you aren’t doing anything wrong in expecting the same standard from a person you date.
I don’t have a body like Apollo, but I’m really active. I don’t want a thin woman to be able to show off, I would like a thin woman because chances are she’s someone who would like to go kayaking, hiking, biking, and running with me.
I’m not a couch potato looking for someone who has the athleticism which I don’t have.
I’m not holding girls to impossible standards either. The women in the Dove “real women” commercials look great to me.
But if you go weeks without breaking a sweat, then, I hate to say it, I’m going to be turned off.
Eda Jun 10th 2008 at 11:43 am 45
I think both men and women gain weight after marriage.
Selena Jun 10th 2008 at 12:26 pm 46
Mike,
It’s been my observation both men and women gain weight simply as they age. Not all, but take a look at those around you over 30. Over 35, 40, 50. If you marry young–young-ish, the chances of both your partner and yourself gaining weight down the road are highly likely.
And sometimes pregnancies have a cumulative effect as well. Something to reconcile yourself to if you are hoping to have kids with your size 2 one day.
Steve Jun 10th 2008 at 01:24 pm 47
Another reason not to get married. It is fattening!
cinnamon Jun 10th 2008 at 03:24 pm 48
#47
With a little bit of magic thinking you can keep your youthful looks for eternity. Rumour has it Peter Pan has even kept all of his baby teeth
Curvy Girl Jun 10th 2008 at 05:28 pm 49
I’m pretty active (ballet) and am of a normal weight and have always had a J-Lo butt. I love it! And so do guys. So when I first started online dating I put down “curvy,” thinking that my hourglass was so cool and sexy. But then I gave it up because some non-curvy (very overweight but not hourglass) girls were claiming the adjective. Now I only use a site that doesn’t use any body type descriptions. No guy has been disappointed yet, based on my many responses and multiple dates. But I have. to tell ya, they should use the word “curvy” to describe some of these guys. What is it with the fraudulent pics? They say that women do the same, but I don’t date women, so I wouldn’t know.
And lest that “men are visual” (implying women aren’t) myth get perpetuated any more — WOMEN ARE ALSO INTO THE WAY MEN LOOK! I’m not going to go out with a guy who is at a different level of attractiveness, education, earning power, or niceness from me.
I am very happy to be dating a few guys I think are great and who seem to think I’m great, too. (There is one guy in particular who really does it for me…it’s not a looks or money thing. We just seem to hit it off.)
So good luck to all. Most of us have room for improvement in the looks department, so it’s best just to slap on a smile and give it our best shot. Love is waiting for us….:) !!
Selena Jun 10th 2008 at 06:50 pm 50
Good one Curvy Girl! Like your optimism. And yes, women are visual TOO. And often more accepting of less than ‘perfection’ as well.
Michele Jun 10th 2008 at 08:15 pm 51
I have been online “dating” for a number of years and as an attractive mature “curvy” lady, have found that a number of the men (online) lie, fib and fabricate about themselves. For what, I ask?
Exercise and healthy eating habits are part of my daily routine. As a CEO within an upscale fashion industry, those habits help me to function at my highest level. I am also tall (5′8″) and carry my curves quite well.
With that said, what could I possibly have in common with a guy who is (a) a smart ass know it all who makes one unfounded broad generalization after another, (b) shorter than me, (c) a fried food/sugar freak, (d) less ambitious than me or (e) all of the above……not a thing.
Am I shallow…..not at all. Merely realistic about myself and my preference(s). Furthermore I cannot be everything to everybody. Emaciated I am NOT. Healthy and self-assured I am. Most online sites allow members to perform very specific searches, i.e., age, height, education and location and that is exactly how I search. Rarely do I check to see who has viewed my profile.
I could date every weekend but have learned through experience to eliminate after the first conversation or two. Quite frankly was tired of meeting men who simply did not meet my preferences, even though some thought they did. And that has worked to my dismay also. There have been a few dates that captured my interest only to never hear from them again. Sure it stings, but life goes on and am grateful that I had little invested other than a few hours of my time. I am simply not every guy’s cup of tea.
If a man opts to eliminate a profile based on the “curvy” attribute, chances are real good that his inability to see beyond the curves……tells me that he’s not my knight in shining armour (or even close). Character and sound moral values are far more significant.
So, Nicci the way I see it is: Be who you are and be pleased with yourself. Evan is normally so gentle with the ladies who write and I personally appreciate his kindness, but do remember Nicci — like me, you cannot be everything to everyone. It really is a numbers game when all is said and done, so hang in there.
Good Luck and keep on reading Evan’s blog(s). They have been extremely enlightening and helpful to me.
vino Jun 10th 2008 at 08:25 pm 52
Boy I stirred some trouble. Truth be told, she wasn’t big but for someone in early 20’s, she had zero musculature, chubby face & muffin top (ugh). More importantly, it was coupled with the ‘tude of someone who has, shall we say, more reason to have a ‘tude.
One can weigh very little, but due to diet (or lack thereof), she’s still ‘cushy.’
Eda’s #45 - I agree. Reason - There’s no incentive to stay attractive. They are legally on the hook. Your fish is caught. The hook no longer needs good bait. Or any bait for that matter.
Cinn’s # 46 - I so don’t hope you’re intimating Steve’s immature.
Curvy Girl’s #49 is right - Many co-opt ‘curvy’ to expand their options when they aren’t curvy. They’re weebils (You know, they wobble but they don’t fall down). Problem is, It’s ruined it for truly classically curvy women. So guys don’t even bother with it as a search criteria.
Many guys i know implemented some simple rules when viewing pictures, no matter the search criteria - If legs look bigger than mine, move on. Big arms, no go. Double chin, no thanks. No cankles! There’s more, but you get the idea….
cinnamon Jun 11th 2008 at 02:00 am 53
vino (and Steve)
No, it was not my intent to imply Steve’s immature (I’m sorry if it sounded that way). I referred to the comment, not to the person.
It might be that the comment was funny but simply did not appeal to my sense of humor.
It might also be that I misunderstood Steve’s message, probably because it appeared just after Selena’s saying: “It’s been my observation both men and women gain weight simply as they age.”
It is my observation that people (incl. myself) typically gain weight if they eat too much (in relation to their height and metabolism) and exercise too little, and that applies both to married and single people.
That being said, I’m around 101lbs and I would be concerned if the guy I dated was not paying attention to a healthy diet simply because I would be afraid I would gain weight while being with him. I can understand that guys who try to keep in good shape also may have such concerns with respect to women they date.
Steve Jun 11th 2008 at 03:43 am 54
Cinnamon, post #53.
I was being facetious and I took your reply for that as well.
Steve Jun 11th 2008 at 03:44 am 55
I guess when all of the posts are boiled down “curvy” is the female version of men using “stocky”( euphemism for heavy ), though internet sites generally don’t have the second term.
Steve Jun 11th 2008 at 03:48 am 56
There are a number of defensive posts in this thread. I have felt defensive too and I would agree some comments have been a bit too blunt for my tastes. Those comments aren’t getting me down because I feel fortunate I don’t have to live those people’s lives for them :). Those comments are also valuable. Like I wrote earlier, in real life people are not going to honest about the dating thing the way they are here. My feelings of defensiveness will fade, but I can take the information on “how it is” with many people with me.
CupidsReviews Heidi Jun 11th 2008 at 06:48 am 57
Great points! I think that perhaps instead of listing your body type as ‘cury’ or whathave you, perhaps you should list it as average, but make a note in your profile stating that you are somewhere in between, and to look at your pictures for an acurate idea of your size?!
cinnamon Jun 11th 2008 at 12:40 pm 58
On second thought, just to expand on my previous post… I’m not dating on-line so I cannot relate to the “screening” process, but in real life a few pounds this or that way would not be anywhere near the top of the list of qualities that I would consider in a guy.
Susan Jun 11th 2008 at 04:53 pm 59
Sorry, late to the party, but this subject is also of interest to me. I’m a little heavier than some of the women here have admitted to being. I’m 5′6″ and wear a size 16 dress. I’m larger than fashionable, but I do have a nice figure.
On my profile, I have 7 recent photographs. In three you can see my full body. One is a swimsuit shot, so there’s nothing to hide. This is how I addres the issue in my text:
“I’m attractive, with natural blonde hair, big blue eyes, and as the little check box indicated, a curvy figure. Voluptuous, curvaceous–I’m sure that’s a dangerous way to describe yourself here. Yes, that does mean I’m overweight, but not huge or anything. I’ve just got a really feminine, and if I may say so myself, well-proportioned figure. But, I’ll be honest, if you’re looking for a fashion model, you’re looking in the wrong place. I look like the girl in these photos. I’m soft and warm and cuddly. I am really feminine. I like dressing like a woman and feeling like a woman. ”
BTW, I do list myself as “average” for the very reason that so many men won’t look twice at “curvy” or whatever. But I don’t know how I could be much more honest about my appearance. I’m wondering if any of the men have any opinions as to how I’ve represented myself, and do I sound too negative when I say, “If you’re looking for a fashion model…”
Constructive comments welcome. Thanks to all for a very interesting discussion!
Evan Marc Katz Jun 11th 2008 at 05:12 pm 60
My constructive comment:
Never say ANYTHING about yourself physically. Let your picture speak for itself. You just spent 100 words defensively describing your body - the same body that anyone can see in a photo. It’s a waste of space, and it calls more attention to your body than is even necessary.
If you don’t want guys to make a big deal about your body; don’t make a big deal about your body!!
(Other things not to say about yourself besides “attractive”, include “smart”, and “funny”. If you’re so smart and funny, we should be able to tell from your profile…)
Shawna Jun 11th 2008 at 07:58 pm 61
Gosh I love this conversation. This is the exact topic I have been discussing with my friends lately, who are of course married with kids, and have no idea what the single world is like these days. I have an added attribute to the mix, I am 6′3″ and curvy, I guess if that is what we are calling it. My weight is very evenly distributed and I am very athletic. I do need to lose a little weight that was gained during some of life’s bumps. So now I workout 4 times a week. I hike, bike, also a white water rafting guide. I feel confident about my appearance, long blonde hair, fair skin, hazel eyes. Recently I was given feedback, that I may seem too confident or self sufficent, which can be translated to intimidating and unapproachable. I am not sure how to cure that, I feel that I act warm and inviting, this feedback was of course related to “in real life dating”. With online dates I have had, most guys are very surprised that I am actually 6′3″, which is very frustrating because I prefer not to lie.
The problem with being 6′3″ and big boned, curvy, a few extra pounds to lose (or whatever we are calling it)…..is I seem to get so many guys that have odd fantasies about dating curvy tall women. It is so frustrating that I recently made all of my profiles invisable. I am losing faith in men and dating, because everyone that contacts me is from another country, out of state, only looking for sex, or has a fantasy they want fulfilled. Until I can afford Evan’s services, I may need to look into that idea that I will have better luck “in real life”. That hasn’t happened yet either, but I am hopeful it can happen.
Cathouse Teri Jun 12th 2008 at 03:22 am 62
Well all I can tell Nicci is to reiterate the advice you gave her. The man she wants is a man who wants a curvy woman. No need trying to attract any other kind of man.
And believe me, lots of men like curvy women.
Besides, if I hear two coworkers talking about how they wouldn’t date a woman who lists herself as curvy, I have to think, “Would I date either of these coworkers?”
JB Jun 12th 2008 at 07:30 am 63
To Susan and anyone else…. I agree with Evan. If you have CLEAR RECENT head to toe shots in your profile there’s no need to say anything about your body type in the essay part but I’ve always found it a little amusing when a woman who’s 5′1″ and 155lbs checks the “petite” box on her profile…lol The point being “head to toe” shots are a must in EVERYONE’S profile but the box you check on the profile should match what you are in the pic because that’s what people search by. And Susan, most guys online aren’t looking for “fashion models” or anything close.
Cilla Jun 12th 2008 at 02:04 pm 64
This discussion has continued to fascinate me.
Having great head to toe shots won’t work, if you don’t check the right box to get guys looking at your profile in the first place. One of the things I like about MillionaireMatch is that in addition to the body type, they ask about your overall looks and allow you to pick “you decide.” Maybe the dating sites should allow this for body type too. BTW, it seems there are a LOT more men on that site that are looking at curvy women than on Match.com. Maybe the definition of “curvy” varies with socioeconomic status?
Otherwise, in addition to “athletic/toned” and “superbuff,” maybe we need “curvy/proportional” and “curvy/a few extra pounds.” Or “curvy/average” and “slender/average,” etc. You get the idea? There are as many combinations of these body types as there are women out there. We are all so hung up on semantics. My vote is for accurate pictures with “you decide.” The other search criteria are much more objective.
P.S. Shawna, if you haven’t tried MiliionaireMatch (and no, I don’t work for them–just having better luck on this site), you should. In the last week, I’ve had interest from numerous men over 6′3.” I’m short, so the height difference gets a little extreme for me, and most of those guys really prefer tall gals anyway!
vino Jun 12th 2008 at 04:34 pm 65
Millionairematch….
All about the personality there, no?
Selena Jun 12th 2008 at 06:14 pm 66
Cilla-
Great points about having variations on “catagories”. The concept of -’You decide’ would seem to work the best, no? Curvy meaning something different to diffent people.
Cilla Jun 12th 2008 at 08:15 pm 67
Actually, Vino, it has nothing to do with the money. I am in a high income bracket myself and divorced a very wealthy man with almost no settlement $. I just got fed up with my mailbox being jammed with winks from Match.com suitors who had obviously not read my profile or didn’t care that we had nothing in common. I like classical music, wine tasting, and sailing. I get nothing but football, Harleys, and beer from the local Match.com boys. The Millionaire guys seem to have more manners and more in common with me. They also have a broader age range for matches and look at a greater variety of body types–at least in my experience. Not everyone is a match, but the stats are better. Not everyone on the site is a gold digger. Now, Suggardaddie.com–that’s another story…
JB Jun 13th 2008 at 02:10 am 68
Ya know Vino, Cilla is right. There’s not a lot of “blue collar tradesmen” that are into “classical music, wine tasting, and sailing”.
Gee …. I wonder why ….LOL But I certainly would of thought and Cilla has corrected this thinking …… If I’m a millionaire with “high status” & “high value” I would most likely be MORE picky about everything about a woman. Why ?? Because assuming I’m not a “troll” I have a lot more choices if I’m worth 5 million right ?
So if I have an online choice between a “curvy” gal and a gal who’s in shape guess who I’m gonna take wine tatsting or out on my sail boat ???
Jennifer Jun 13th 2008 at 05:35 am 69
I don’t think anyone ever claimed millionare match was all about personality.
cinnamon Jun 13th 2008 at 07:52 am 70
JB
“I have a lot more choices if I’m worth 5 million right ?”
I might be completely wrong, but it seems to me that vino is one of the rare successful guys who do not want their attractiveness to be measured as function of their wallet thickness.
Cilla Jun 13th 2008 at 08:15 am 71
JB, you’re partially right–there are a fair number of guys on the site (especially the ones from NYC and LA) who are looking for young arm candy, as Evan would say, “Because they can.”
My theory about the rest of them is this: they are guys in their 40’s and 50’s who are either still single or divorced. They are often self-mad men (not necessarily millionaires to be on the site, but income above 150K) who have sacrificed their personal lives to build their careers or businesses. A number are doctors or PhDs who have been in school for years. They find themselves looking for a mate, and they would like someone as attractive as possible. But they also want someone who, if she opens her mouth at dinner with a boss or client, will have something intelligent to say. Most of them seem to want a match with someone who is well educated, well travelled, and cultured. Many will come right out and say they are attracted to smart women (whereas virtually all the Match.com men in my area said they were turned off by “brainiacs”). Yes, they would like to have their cake and eat it too, but most of them seem pretty realistic about finding someone THEY think is pretty, who can also carry on a conversation–it’s a balancing act and a bit of a compromise. Oh, and because they have higher incomes, these guys can look outside their own cities and date across country, if they find someone they are interested in.
All of this adds up to a better site for me. I can’t tell you how nice it was to have one man tell me, “You’re smart AND hot!” Clearly he didn’t see “curvy” and “attractive” as mutually exclusive. Which brings me back to the semantics debate. Can’t you be curvy and athletic at the same time? Ever watch an IronMan competition? Have you seen how many finishers also carry a few extra pounds? (Hint: more than you would expect.) How do you think those people should define themselves? I think we are arguing about the wrong thing. I think it’s the language that has to change; it is altogether too subjective, too elastic.
Michael Ejercito Jun 13th 2008 at 09:51 am 72
The problem is if you lie, the remaining 5% will dismiss you for being a liar.
vino Jun 13th 2008 at 05:38 pm 73
The whole point of something like millionaire match is the money…it’s what’s being sold, for goodness’ sake.
Anyway, we’re off topic.
Thanks Cinn…I trust you are well
Cilla Jun 13th 2008 at 09:45 pm 74
So, Vino, if I read you correctly, if I actually like a guy for himself (vs. his money), I’m at a DISADVANTAGE on MillionaireMatch?
Maybe the owners think they’re selling the income bracket, but it seems most of the posters are just like everyone else: looking for someone with whom they have something in common and to whom they are attracted. It’s just that when you have some money, those interests usually change (wine, horses, opera, travel, etc.).
JB Jun 14th 2008 at 06:15 am 75
Cilla is right. If a woman is genuinely is into “horses,yachting,wine & opera she’s not gonna hanging out on “meet a plumber” .com
No more than a man who’s into “in shape” women will be going to BBW.com etc… The problem with the millionaire site is …..I’m assuming their are no “millionaire” women looking hot hunk poor guys but I could be wrong because I never go to the site….LOL
JB Jun 14th 2008 at 06:17 am 76
Sorry for the typo: It should say “I’m assuming their are no “millionaire” women looking FOR hot hunk poor guys who still might be intelligent.
hunter Jun 14th 2008 at 08:19 am 77
She can be curvy, my only criteria, while going on a date, she must “fit” in my car. I own a small car.
vino Jun 14th 2008 at 09:18 am 78
If Cilla wants to read my few words into her articulation, so be it. By the way, my aborted try at match indicated TONS of women who like wine, international travel, cultural events, spas, etc. Difference is, most of them make no more than $50k/yr. (Not disparaging the income, but the tastes vs. the ability to pay for it is questionable).
BTW, aren’t we off-topic?
Basic point - Guys don’t bother to search ‘curvy’ women on dating sites because sooo many women’s version of ‘curvy’ resembles the Michelin Man instead of _____(fill in accepted curvy cutie - older Marilyn Monroe perhaps?).
vino Jun 14th 2008 at 09:22 am 79
JB - women rarely (as in almost never) will get involved with someone who has less $ than they, no matter how smart he may be. Funny how women expect guys to get involved with them if he makes/has far more $ than her…
Cilla Jun 14th 2008 at 10:02 am 80
To answer your question, JB, I did a quick perusal, and the income range seems to vary for women, as it does for men. Most people seem to be in the above 150K range, with a few in the 500K+ or millionaire range. I think once you get into a certain bracket, it doesn’t matter if you make $200,000 or a million a year–your interests and ability to pursue them are different from most folks. The reality is that just like people want to date at their level of attractiveness, so do they want to date at their level of lifestyle. I guess if I met a soul mate who only made 30K a year, I wouldn’t mind supporting him, but I think we can all agree that contingency is a remote one.
Again, I will reiterate: I’m sure the site hosts a few gold diggers of both sexes, but the posters are generally of a different educational and/or cultural level. I don’t think it’s correct to assume they are poor women looking for sugar daddies. There are other sites that promote more blatant benefactor relationships of that nature.
Cilla Jun 14th 2008 at 10:07 am 81
P.S. Sorry to continue veering somewhat off topic, although I do think the semantics of body type vary with education, culture, etc. Throw in language difference, and you have even more to chew on. “Curvy” definitely means something different for the LA photographer vs. the banker in Madrid vs. the construction worker in Scranton. Evan, care to weigh in?
Cilla Jun 14th 2008 at 10:08 am 82
No pun intended.
cinnamon Jun 14th 2008 at 01:21 pm 83
Marilyn Monroe
man, that’s a high bar 
vino Jun 14th 2008 at 04:40 pm 84
Cilla, don’t rag on N.E.P.A….not everyone works in construction!
Some even make beer down the road in Wilkes-Barre….Hey, I think there are more universities there than in all of Arizona. Interesting…
Cinn, would you rather Anna Nicole Smith? Ugh
hunter Jun 14th 2008 at 04:59 pm 85
to vino,
Mature(older) women get involved with men that earn fewer $. And they can be discreet.
Curvy Girl Jun 14th 2008 at 09:31 pm 86
Curvy girls: I take some style tips from Marilyn — it seems to do the trick. Dresses, always, that accentuate the trim waistline and the round bosom, drawing attention up from the round (but glorious) bum. Skirt flirting just above the knee, heels if his height permits. It’s a very sexy look, if I do say so myself. Would never be considered a skinny or thin look, though. But who cares. It works for a lot of guys. Not all, but how many do we need? (Interesting question….!!!)
If you aren’t curvy, technically speaking, but carry extra weight around the middle, you can also find dresses that flatter. A lot of women who are overweight give up when it comes to fashion because the industry hasn’t been too helpful until just recently. But check out some makeover shows/articles — you can really see the difference before and after. And use after shots with your profile!!!
Regarding the digression (why I love blogs — digressions are the POINT!!) I like guys who are more my equal in all ways — looks (nice, not perfect), education/intelligence (super smart without being elitist or boorish or condescending), and fun. Not every woman is looking to trade looks/sexiness/youth/charm for financial betterment, so these kinds of generalizations always sound so dumb to me. I don’t know who does these studies, or who perpetuates these myths, but there are plenty of us women who have a lot going for us besides our cute patooties, and we want to have fun and partner up with guys who also have a lot going for them (like a cute patootie!). And outside of the high-net-worth people in the ego professions, I don’t see many men partnered up with trophies — most people (I believe) want to be with someone who loves them warts and all. When we talk about guys, my female friends and I NEVER go on and on about his money or what he does for a living as if it’s some great selling point. So I don’t know who these women you’re talking about are. We have good jobs/careers, so we like being with guys who have the same thing going on, but what’s wrong with that? We do talk about guys’ attractiveness, though. One friend hates bald; one isn’t sure about the suitor with the hairy body, even though the sex is great; I have a problem with regional accents. None of us is overweight and so overweight is a turn-off no matter how much money he makes; some of us are very active, and so sedentary, even if he’s skinny, might not work. See? Lots of talk about physical attractiveness here; no wallet-chasing.
My advice to guys? Stop moaning and groaning about wallet-chasing women, and find another kind of gal — one with a job she loves and a bright mind and ready smile. We’re much more fun, anyway, and some of us have cute, generous curvy-girl butts.
Cathouse Teri Jun 14th 2008 at 11:54 pm 87
Amen to that, sister!
cinnamon Jun 15th 2008 at 12:29 am 88
vino,
#84
no, Lara Croft, if anything
I don’t know why, but this constant returns to money issues makes me feel a bit jalous of all these people who married their college/university sweetie.
cinnamon Jun 15th 2008 at 12:32 am 89
uhhh, I really miss the Edit button here…
Michael Ejercito Jun 15th 2008 at 09:03 am 90
Maybe curvy women look better in person.
hunter Jun 15th 2008 at 09:52 am 91
to curvy girl,
Can you elaborate on the term “generous curvy-girl butt.” LOL!
hunter Jun 15th 2008 at 09:55 am 92
to cinnamon,
Why didn’t you marry your college/university sweetheart?…
Curvy Girl Jun 15th 2008 at 12:24 pm 93
Cinn: I hear ya about that money thing. And it isn’t the women who are bringing it up, either. So what does that tell you.
Selena Jun 15th 2008 at 02:02 pm 94
In person, curvy women are sometimes described as ‘buxom’.
cinnamon Jun 16th 2008 at 08:46 am 95
#92
hunter, that was rhetoric question, wasn’t it?
Lauren Jun 16th 2008 at 10:43 am 96
So my friend Michelle and I had a discussion this morning on what these on-line dating body-types are defined. It would be nice to have visuals to go with those labels, you know? I think slender is a stick figure. Athletic and toned would mean someone with some muscle mass, who works out regularly and doesn’t have squish. In my mind, about average is anything between not quite athletic & toned and a size 10, according to height. So help me out– I’m 5′4″, 128 pounds, run/workout regularly (training for a half-marathon), I’m solid, and wear a size 4. I market myself as athletic and toned. Michelle thinks this is misleading, that I should be saying that I’m about average because athletic/toned should mean ripped with 6-pack abs, and regularly doing triathalons and living outdoors. Am I off the mark?
vino Jun 16th 2008 at 05:56 pm 97
Lauren,
Perhaps this description will help, though I by no means speak for all men.
5′4″, 105 - slender ( I actually agree with your description)
add 10 lbs of lean muscle (think more toned, shaped legs, arms, etc) - athletic. Think yoga -longer, lean & toned. Even if 5′4″, when I and most guys I know think of athletic, that’s what comes to mind.
There’s a difference between athletic & toned looking, and an athlete. There are some great athletes who don’t look quite as athletic (Charles Barkley vs Michael Jordan looks wise, playing days of course.)
At sports bar a week or so ago, one of the TVs had on the Univ. of Arizona-Oklahoma softball game. now The UoA girls looked like, well, girls. Lean, yet more than capable of performing (I think they were winning). In contrast, the Oklahoma girls look like the football team. They were HUGE, and not in a good way. Good athletes, yes, but what guys think about when ‘athletic’ body type is described in dating, no.
hunter Jun 16th 2008 at 06:00 pm 98
to cinnamon,
I suppose I get no response…hmmm
hunter Jun 16th 2008 at 06:08 pm 99
to curvy girl,
Most men agree with you about the existence of women that are not into “wallet chasing.”
According to research and studies the non wallet chasers are in a much smaller pool of available women.
cinnamon Jun 16th 2008 at 09:25 pm 100
to hunter,
things don’t always go the way you want them to. that’s probably the best answer I can give at this point.
vino Jun 17th 2008 at 04:25 am 101
I’ve found Cinn’s heart is in the right place hunter. Missed signals, methinks.
cinnamon Jun 17th 2008 at 07:32 am 102
thanks, vino… me too.
Lauren Jun 17th 2008 at 09:29 am 103
Vino– thanks for your take on the athletic/toned descriptor, wish the dating sites would provide a little guidance on that front. I really do think we should choose from cartoonish figures instead of labels. And let us manipulate the shapes.
So if I’m not athletic/slender, does that put me in the “about average” bucket? When I look around, I am smaller than 98% of the people around me. But that could be because I’m in Chicago, right? 
I guess what is most important is that whatever label you choose post enough current pictures so that interested parties can get an accurate idea of what you’re advertising. Hopefully the guys I’m matching with can determine from my photos if I have a body type they are interested in.
vino Jun 17th 2008 at 07:39 pm 104
Cinn,
No worries. Now if only I could get my Co. to send me overseas near you….(sigh)
Lauren,
My pleasure, though many may disagree with my description. A, good old Chicago, home of beer, brats (pronounced “braahts”), and deep dish. May have a bit to do with your comparables… Have a few @ Gamekeepers for me.
Curvy Girl Jun 18th 2008 at 04:24 am 105
Hunter: Yes, that exotic animal, a “non-wallet-seeking woman,” does exist. Why don’t they do one of those oft-cited, so compelling STUDIES on THAT. I mean, we must contain a lot of cavewomen DNA, given that money and wallets for holding it didn’t even exist until relatively recently in our genetic evolution. And since these STUDIES are always using our prehistoric genetic predispositions to explain modern social behavior, you would think it would be a winner.
Vino: 5′4″ and 105 — are you nuts? That’s like anorectic unless you have the bones of a bird.
What are your physical stats? (Take that big wallet out before you weigh yourself)
cinnamon Jun 18th 2008 at 07:22 am 106
vino,
Here where I am patience is the most important item in your survival kit. I guess I’ve learned it by now
Joe Jun 18th 2008 at 10:58 am 107
The problem is not whether or not a woman has curves. It’s whether or not she has the right curves, or “curves in all the right places.” Essentially, the “right” curves are concave waist, convex hips/ass and chest. Unfortunately, the “curves” descriptor has been usurped by women who have curves in the WRONG places, so men have basically been trained by those women to discount those who use the term as having the right curves.
Karl R Jun 18th 2008 at 02:32 pm 108
When I’m doing online dating, I’ll search for “curvy” women (along with “athletic & toned”, “average, and “slender”). The majority of women who claim to be “curvy” are using it as a euphamism for “overweight”, but there’s a substantial minority who fi