Oct23
Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?
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Hi Evan,
I’ve been dating an amazing guy who has only just recently become "too busy" for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s okay… Disappointing indeed, but okay. Oddly though, he suggested that we have another conversation in a week’s time to see where things are at. Shortly after our breakup tonight, he sent me a text message saying he was sorry and that he’d really like to keep in touch. I told him I was open to that but that he’d have to take that step.
Evan, I am okay with him not wanting to date me. To be honest, he is such an amazing guy (opposite of the loser musicians and wannabe actor types that I usually end up with) that I often wondered why he was dating me in the first place. But that’s obviously another issue. Why would he bother texting afterward or bother suggesting that we have another conversation about things in a week? I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t he just walk away after doing the dumping?
Just Dumped
Have you ever dumped someone, JD? It’s a horrible, horrible feeling, right up there with, well, being dumped. And this feeling, if you can imagine it, provide the full explanation for why people act inconsistent.
As always, the best solution to being your own dating coach is to step outside your own shoes and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Why would he possibly do what he did? There has to be some rationale. I’m just going to channel him right now and see what I can come up with:
Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
Read More...
- Best of Evan Marc Katz’s Advice From a Single Dating Expert
- Why You Shouldn’t Have Sex With Your Friends - Or Should You?
- My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Talking About His Ex-Girlfriend!
- I Compare Everyone to My Ex, But Nobody Gives Me The Same “Feeling.”
- Why Do Guys Send Text Messages to Keep in Touch While Dating?
Jen from NYC Oct 23rd 2007 at 09:39 am 1
Hey Just Dumped! Oh my gd, I was in the same situation a few years ago with a guy I totally liked and cliked with and well, wanted to date. We dated for a short time, than he went back to his ex, than we saw each other again and eventually he ended the sexual aspect to our “relationship” but called me all of the time and wanted to hang out and keep in touch. You know, I took his calls and we even went to a few movies together as I thought he might change his mind and want to date me again, but it never happened. In fact, he went back to the ex girlfriend he was with before me for the second time and a year later married her and wound up divorced 9 months later. Gd strike me down if I am lying. Needless to say, I did not lose such a good thing, but at the time, I was heartbroken.
Evan is right on! No, really he is. Perhaps the guy you dated is thinking he has nothing to lose, and he never stated to you that he was commiting to a relationship with you. If you are game for something with no strings than why not? In my oppinion, again in agreement with Evan, this guy does not want to string you along and easier to end things now than make it even more complicated or painful for both of you by not hinting to you that he just isnt interested. He is interested in staying in touch to fill his own needs, whether it is EGO or just the idea that he “someone” familiar in his life that he does not have to commit to.
Long story short, move on. I can promise you that you a man who is interested is never too busy to make time for you and will do anything to be with you. Well, at least the first six months. Just kidding. The man who is truly interested in a long-term, commited relationship will always have time for you.
I have always told myself and my friends who “hang out with” guys that unoffically broke up with us that if you expect him to wake up and suddenly realize he made a horrible mistake, it is not likely going to happen. Harsh, yes. But rarely have I seen it or known it to happen.
As to why did he want to date you? I am sure he was attracted to you and liked you but just maybe did not feel everything he needed to feel for it to be right. Don’t seel yourself short. Why should he not want to date you?
By all means, you do not have to take my advice, but just remember by answering his texts and keeping in touch, you are prolonging the inevitable. Why give this guy the upperr hand? If you are done with him, than send him on his way. And yes, if you let him stay in touch, he will and you will stay dumped and hurt. On to the next!
Jen
Check out my blog……
(http://jenneedstowriteitdown.blogspot.com/)
Marc Oct 23rd 2007 at 10:10 am 2
I’m with Evan. I believe he was motivated by both guilt and his penis. The post break up text was meant to assuage his own feelings of guilt over dumping you, and to allow future opportunities “to stay in TOUCH”…both metaphorically and LITERALLY. He still wants the opportunity to touch you from time to time without feeling guilty about it. You can choose to allow him to do that, but every time you do, you’ll likely just get sucked back into all the emotional drama of whether he still likes you, and whether you’ll get back together, etc.
I’m not a dating expert by any means. I’m just some dude who knows how guys think.
BeenThruTheWars Oct 23rd 2007 at 10:14 am 3
Jen is right on with her “move on” advice. This guy is keeping his options open and salving his conscience, nothing more.
Now, if you are okay with accepting crumbs, then by all means, respond to his texts, see him next week, take his calls, sleep with him. But if you want a real relationship — whether with Mr. Amazing or someone even better, who is truly in love with you — then here is what you do:
You are Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet for the next eight or so weeks. This guy has hurt you once, it’s very likely he will hurt you again as many times as you let him. He has told you “I don’t want you, I want someone else instead, but I don’t like being the bad guy so I’ll tell you I want to stay friends; plus if there isn’t anyone better out there, I might want to come back for a little while to remind myself why it was I didn’t want to stick around in the first place.
Being NTBFOTP means NO contact. Zero. Of any kind. You might even want to change your outgoing messages on your voice mail so he doesn’t get a fix off your voice. He needs to feel your complete and total absence in his life for about two months if there is any chance at all of him saying “Hey! I made a terrible mistake, I want you back” and meaning it.
During that two months, you don’t open emails or letters from him, you don’t answer your door if he happens to just show up out of the blue. You say “that’s nice” and change the subject if a mutual friend mentions him. You return anything he sends you unopened (unless it’s your stuff from his place). This guy has to camp out at the end of your driveway with tears rolling down before you will even think about seeing him again.
Meanwhile, get out there and meet new men, date others, take up a new hobby, call up your girlfriends or family members and spend time together, go to a spa, the gym, trick-or-treating, whatever it takes to get your life back so it feels like 100% YOURS again.
And you can kind of keep it in the back of your mind that Mr. Amazing might still be out there, missing you… or he might not.
I experienced my own version of Mr. Amazing a few years ago. We’d only dated for two months when told me (on a date, of course) that the girl he REALLY wanted a relationship with had just broken up with her boyfriend and become available so he wanted to pursue that instead; but gee, I was a really great person, and would i like to keep seeing him clandestinely?
In other words, here he was breaking up with me — hurting me — and telling me he was going to explore a new relationship with some dreamgirl he knew — whom he admitted knew nothing about me — but he wanted to lie to her and see me on the sly, and eat his cake and have it, too. Charming. I said no thanks! ‘Bye! Don’t let the door hitcha in the butt!
I ran into him a year later on a nature trail. He was with some very mousy, nondescript woman and I was with my very hot new boyfriend at the time, and just happened to have had my hair done and looked especially pretty that day… butter wouldn’t melt as I said hello, long time no see, ta ta, without making any introductions and walking off. Now THAT was closure!
a&v Oct 23rd 2007 at 11:06 am 4
Yup, Evan is right on this one. I say this as a woman who has had even her dumpees try to stay in contact for the fwb thing. (Oddly, I have never wished to stay in contact with my exes for “side business.”) After my heart was smooshed last Februrary, the smooshee tried to stay in contact for precisely the reasons Evan mentioned. I wouldn’t have any of it and told him off rather soundly, which I regretted for awhile (because being mean and volatile isn’t my nature). But the end result has been excellent: no needless pining, no complicated feelings, no feeling used. Wonderful!
a&v Oct 23rd 2007 at 11:35 am 5
(Ooops. “her dumpees” in my previous post should read “guys she’s dumped.” Hazards of lunching and typing simultaneously …)
mrs. vee Oct 23rd 2007 at 01:02 pm 6
Yep. I have to agree with everyone here. Guilt, ego, horniness and perhaps the willingness to exploit your vulnerability to him is what’s motivating him.
Try not to feel encouraged by his breadcrumbs. You deserve a whole sweet, piping-hot loaf.
Bev Oct 23rd 2007 at 02:21 pm 7
I loved Evan’s answer because after all, he has been there as a guy. I’ve been there as a woman and broke up cause I was in love with someone else and was taking a break when he came along. I wanted to be friends just in case my ex and I didn’t make it again and also cause I wanted the dumped guy to think I was still nice. A few years later I hooked up with the dumped guy and he treated me like dirt which proves you can’t go back again.
downtowngal Oct 23rd 2007 at 03:47 pm 8
Evan, you’re spot on! I’ve always contended that guys are simple, and if he’s interested in pursuing a relationship with you you’ll know it, none of this mix-messages thing. I had an experience similar to JD’s, as many women have. Unless you’re not interested in having a committed relationship with this guy - only thing is to move on.
in the trenches Oct 23rd 2007 at 05:57 pm 9
Evan, your emails are incredibly timely! I recently dated a guy whom I met a year ago. I felt perhaps I’d misjudged him ( and dusted him quickly the first time) I ventured back in to the same situation one year later expecting different results. Insanity reigns! Needless to say my first intuition was right on. This time round, once we had become intimate he disappeared…what else in new. Oh, I had the odd “I’ll call you” text and emails a couple of times then nadda! So the last couple of weeks I was wondering if, in fact, he did contact me, how I’d respond. I was very attracted to him but as always…packaging is nice but I’ve learned that SUBSTANCE OVER FORM is still the best measuring stick.
I’m feeling a tad vulnerable with a residual emotional sting, however, after reading through all the posts, I don’t feel alone on this and thanks for exactly what I needed to hear!
John from Dallas Oct 23rd 2007 at 07:54 pm 10
NTBFOTP…Perfect! I’ve never heard that before but such good advice. Women, people…..after being a nurse for 20 years there is one thing I know for sure, LIFE IS SHORT! Life “time” is not endless, it is finite and you don’t know how much you have been granted. Stop wasting yours on losers or repeats and get out there. Every minute you spend with Mr. Wrong is a minute you’re taking a chance on missing Mr. Right…..or Mrs. Right….
alaskagrrrL Oct 24th 2007 at 12:55 am 11
Oh how very timely–Just-girl, beware, in my experience this can last indefinitely. So I’ll pose a related question to the group… From New Years I dated a man for several blissful months and right at Easter (when I’d sent photos of us to all my friends, of course) he abruptly stopped any intimacy and little by little withdrew his body/mind/self farther and farther away. I think he might have given me up for Lent! It was maddening/saddening and I made a gentle ultimatum that he could initiate contact with me if he wanted to be a part of my life, since other way around seemed very uncomfortable for him. He pretty much flew out the window, with lots of praise for my “remarkableness” and “how he wanted to keep me closer than most as a friend” and with the exception that he saw me a number more times, he then faded away mid-year. It was a scorchingly hard separation for me. For many weeks now, he calls me like clockwork every 7-10 days to chat–he’ll also take/return the occasional call from me if I have something to say. No sex, no invites, no face to face at all–just a friendly curious chat to say, “Hi how are ya, what’s happening in the world, etc.–call ya sometime” I very much like this gentleman–a decent, caring and very Catholic man (hence the no sex) and feel as a grownup I should be able to handle the rebuff with some dignity and try to sustain some kind of friendship. No its not what it started out, but this is someone who means alot to me and I’d like to have him in my life in some way. But it can be hard for all of the reasons you’ve all given. I want to be adult and give this friendship a chance, but also want to manage my sanity and feelings so as not to get sucked into the evil vortex of hope and despair again. Any words of reason out there? Has anybody managed to fashion a platonic friendship out of something that was once more? What were the ground rules you laid for yourself and how did you convey them to your “friend”? Can this work if expectations are realistic? I’d appreciate any voices of experience here
Chris Oct 24th 2007 at 05:53 am 12
I am going to play Devil’s Advocate and suggest that this guy did nothing wrong. He broke up with the girl when the time came, thereby not wasting her time. Everyone says that he’s being a jerk for wanting to continue to see her, but why is that so bad for him to want to have sex with his ex-gf, as long as he treats her well on dates and is honest about no committed relationship ever developing.
If hanging out and having sex are mutually enjoyable, then to say no just for the sake of getting the guy back is spiteful. JD admitted that he was “amazing.” The guy might even offer JD advice on other guys she’s dating.
mrs. vee Oct 24th 2007 at 09:39 am 13
Chris, the guy who dumped jd may not be a jerk, but he is at the very least, obtuse and insensitive to her feelings. Definitely not the best person to decide what is or isn’t good for her. That’s the reason she should guard herself from his influence.
To suggest that, given her state of just-dumpedness, she might benefit from casual sex with the guy is just plain unrealistic. Undoubtedly, casual sex will stir up confusion and hurt and insecurities which would far outweigh any benefit from “dating pointers” the man might give her after a roll in the hay.
Moreover, your suggestion that she just go ahead and sleep with her ex highlights the differences between the emotional makeup between men and women. Discussing this topic on the blog is a good way for the 2 genders to better understand each other.
JD, your ex- may think like Chris here - no awareness at all of your vulnerability to him. Which is why it’s important for YOU to be the one to set parameters for yourself in this situation.
And Chris, the next time you dump a girl and pursue her for sex, consider that her feelings for you may be a little too complex to endure a casual romp. You’re not a bad guy, but if you understood the high likelihood of negative emotional consequences of a girl sleeping with an ex she still cared for, could you, in good conscience, ask her to go through with it?
Jen from NYC Oct 24th 2007 at 09:53 am 14
This is a comment back to alaskagrrrL. Oh the days of “lets be friends.” Yeah, it all sounds good and feels good for the time, but in the end, it just never works out quite the way you want it to. So, I ask you this? Do you have good friends? It does not matter if it is just one or two, but you have friends right? Those are the only friends you need. Men you date and do not continue to date, are not friends. They are men who you learn from and move on.
I do not mean to sound harsh, but I will be. This guy is calling you for his own needs, and obviously is not interested in meeting your needs as far as a love or dating relationship is concerned. So, if you want to attempt friendship, more power to you, just remember, you don’t date your friends.
I dated my BEST FRIEND of six years about 5 years ago. Long story short, we dated for six months, I called it quits because of my hunch that he just was not that into girls (though he did get married and has a kid, but a lot of gay men marry women) and I loved him more than one can imagine, but after we stopped datiing, we never spoke again because he was not able to be the boyfriend that I needed and wanted. Everyone told me when I was contimplating dating him that if it didnt work out, we would NEVER be friends again. Well, they were right. When you love someone, and they don’t love you back the same way, it usually feels impossible to be friends with them when the dating falls apart. That was my experience.
The SINGLE ONLY TIME I truly believe friendship after dating actually works is when you didnt leave that relationship still liking the guy in the romantic way. If you both agree and part because you BOTH realize you are not meant to date eachother, than of course you can friends! In fact, had I not loved the guy I just told you about, we would probably be getting mani’s and pedi’s together to this day. If you feel anything, and I mean even the little tiniest bit of love or something more than friendship for this guy, than end it. Friendship is just not an option.
And hello, I hear you about trying to substain a friendship and be “decent” but have some pride and be honest with yourself. There are tons of decent, good men (Catholic men, though you are asking a Jewish girl so I have more expeirence with the Jewish boys) out there and it is time for you to find one who wants the same things as you; not a phone call to say hi or who sometimes returns your calls. The time you are spending talking to him, is time you should be dating and working on your on-line profile, or attending events where other single men may be.
Don’t get sucked in even more………you create the vortex, but you sure as hell can climb out of it and seal that vortex up! You deserve a man who is 100% into you and not your “friend!”
Jen
Chris Oct 24th 2007 at 04:21 pm 15
Mrs. Vee,
Sometimes and with some people, a friends with benefits situation can be a good thing, for at least a short while. In my opinion, the mortal sin of dating is dishonesty, and a friends with benefits situation is an honest situation. The guy isn’t stringing the girl along, the guy isn’t having sex with her and then not calling back. Presumably, JD’s ex actually does care about and like her, he just doesn’t see her becoming his wife. If he’s truly a decent guy, he’s even continue to do mutually fun things together that aren’t sex (movies, museums, ballgames, whatever).
You and I both know that guys can be real jerks. A guy who keeps on having sex with his “girlfriend,” without ever introducing her to his parents, without calling as often as she wants, without saying “I love you,” is worse than JD’s ex. In short, a guy who strings a girl along is the worst. JD’s ex is frankly admitting that “he’s just not that into her.” JD’s ex is saying “I hope you find another boyfriend, but I’ll be here for you until you do.”
Even though I wouldn’t criticize the the guy, he shouldn’t be surprised when JD says no. I know that hanging out with an ex & having sex in general are bigger deals emotionally to the average woman than to the average man.
(btw, I’ve never proposed a fwb arrangement with any girl I’ve broken up with. I’ve only proposed it with two girls who broke up with me. A third girl, after she broke up with me, did propose a fwb. I said “I don’t know, I’m really mad at you, but I guess so.” I have another girlfriend now, but the girl who proposed fwb to me is my best friend.)
Singles Dating » Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me? Oct 24th 2007 at 04:32 pm 16
[…] Evan Marc Katz wrote an interesting post today on Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me?Here’s a quick excerptHi Evan, I’ve been dating an amazing guy who has only just recently become “too busy” for a relationship. I know that is really just code for him losing interest and that’s… [[ This is a content summary only. Visit my website for full … […]
Jenny Oct 24th 2007 at 04:36 pm 17
Hey Alaskagrlll,
What are you thinking? You are clearly sening out the message that you are a ready and waiting anytime emotional relationship with this guy. You might want to know that men usually do not have all the emotional perception and comprehension, let alone processing that us women do so translation: you are providing him emotional support and a relationship - for nothing? If you are doing this out of kindness and genuinely helping the guy, then go for it; otherwise you are in some ways manipulating him, and keeping him on a hook that he should not be on.
Ava Mazur Oct 24th 2007 at 06:38 pm 18
Well Im going to have to go against Evan on this one. Perhaps Im mean spirited but Ive seen this happen to people before…and I guess it depends on the mental state of your ex. Some “dump” thier significant other because they quite frankly dont want to be with them anymore, but they like being liked (hey who doesnt). Once they break up they realize they loose that little ego boost. Im just saying be careful especially since you like this guy so much. You dont want him stringing you allong thinking there is hope when there isnt any. Im a firm beliver in no contact for a month or so and then if you really want to be friends and your over the whole breakup thing then by all means go see a movie. You will know its just as friends w/o any benifits or hidden agendas on either part.
alaskagrrrL Oct 24th 2007 at 11:34 pm 19
Thanks Jen & Jenny for your thoughts–not necessarily harsh, just realistic different perspectives based on your experiences (though I can’t buy into the manipulation charge–I’m the one that was “hooked” frankly, and largely of my own doing). Its good to be challenged in one’s actions and I asked, right?!
You are probably much younger than I am being in my mid-40’s, but I’m here reading, learning and listening because I have NO dating experience. And when I say “no” I mean zero, zip, zilch, nada–married someone straight out of school and stayed w/ him for 25 ill-advised years–the relationship I refer to here is the only other man I’ve had in my life. I have exactly ONE each single friend, daughter and sister (and Jen, thankfully a number of really good friends who are life-savers
Needless to say, I’m at a distinct disadvantage on the learning curve here…
There is a lot of encouragement/pressure these days to pursue relationships online and I just happened to stumble on this site which has been a real revelation–great honest dialog by articulate people about the perils and challenges of looking for someone to share life with. And no offense to the women here, you’re great, but the male perspective is also pretty fascinating and invaluable when you’re in the midst of trying to figure out the opposite sex. I haven’t tried internet dating and I don’t know if I ever will, but many thanks to Evan for creating such a multi-faceted resource.
As for the original “let’s be friends” question, thanks to the many viewpoints & suggestions here from both genders, I’ve gained a lot of clarity which will help make real space in my life for new adventures. I’ll take the kindness & concern that my new/old friend have to offer each other at face value, but in a realistic (and, after looking at myself through others’ eyes) probably more self-respecting way. Appreciate the great reminders, frank appraisals and “you go grrrL” encouragement–I hope JD felt that, too.
Jen from NYC Oct 25th 2007 at 09:56 am 20
hey alaskagrrrl. you are correct, i am bit younger (31) but i do really beleive one thing never changes when it comes to love and relationships; men persue the women they want to date. men string along the women they dont want to date, but may want to sleep with OR just need a woman in their lives for support or comfort. I do not judge the men for either of those two reasons, but i do know that eevery woman, young and older has the choice of which they want to be. men, believe it or not, are really not that complicated when it comes to love. so my boyfriend reminds me all of the time. when they want you, they do anything with in reason of course, to get you and than to keep you. when they are unsure, then the games start OR they let you know either straight up i am not into you, or they begin to pull away.
so….with all that said. as much as it may not be fun at times to be dating, particulalry after spending so many years with one man…i like to think of it is a blessing when you get a second opportunity to find REAL love. this is one of the few things in life many people take a risk on seeking when they are already comfortable, but not necessarily content with whom they chose to spend the rest of their lives with. i give you major props for getting out there and dating. as for believing you are at a major disadvantage, i think it is quite the contrary. you have been in a relationship and had the strength to walk away and move on, and now you know what you need and what you want. dating at any age is stressful, scary, and sometimes really annoying, but in the end, when you find a great man, you appreciate every single minute of it!
good luck….and happy dating!
jen
LP Oct 26th 2007 at 10:51 am 21
Alaskagrrl you are bypassing your concious will…lying to yourself, and waiting for him. If you had no hope of having him, you would not pursue the friendship, unless you had some kind of a money/business need for him. He is not helping you write your book. He is not your guitar player. He is not your stock broker. You believe he is lying to himself, not you are lying to yourself, and you are lucky if he is not clever and cruel because that is an excellent medium for swindling. And, by the way, you do not really believe he is such a good quality friend if he lies to himself. Thus, you are honouring your relationship/previous connection more if you just stay away. You are right to say “fashion” a relationship with him because there is none there…you have to invent it. Do you think the friendly side of his personality needs a workout? Because that’s all it is to him…an occasion to practice being friendly. If you seek to change his ability to be friendly…i.e., to begin ANY new relationship/friendship/acquaintance, you are definitely not a very good person for him to be rickocheting off of. Either his personality bends/caves in/dents/warps, etc, or he finally successfully brushes the bit of fluff…you…off his suit, because that’s what he was trying to do in the first place. Been the fluff! Or was it dandruff? Worse?….
Andrea Oct 26th 2007 at 11:53 am 22
I agreed with Evan until the second paragraph. Who says that he’s just in it for the sex? All of the comments have run with that, but there is no indication that he wants anything other than something platonic.
You say, “But all guys do” right? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he wants it but won’t act on it. Maybe he’s not attracted to her but think she’s a cool girl.
Furthermore, many of the above comments have suggested that you can’t stay friends with people you’ve dated. I dispute this. I’ve stayed friends with most, one of whom I fell for and took a while to get over. In fact, we went for lunch earlier this week and it was fantastic. He’s amazing but parts of our personalities aren’t suited for a relationship.
Also, I agree with Chris. The guy in question broke up with the girl when the time came, thereby not wasting her time. If he does want sex, and she’s okay with it - and yes, I believe that both people can be okay with it - then what’s wrong with that? People are so judgmental when it comes to casual sex. People think that the fact that some people can’t handle it means that EVERYONE can. Everyone’s different with their own capacity to handle situations.
Bottom line: If you can handle a friendship with an ex go for it. If not, don’t. Gauge your own comfort level and, *consider* the opinions of others, but don’t let a bunch of strangers with only part of the story tell you the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. It’s crucial for you to be honest with yourself about what you can handle and about what you want.
Selena Oct 26th 2007 at 05:53 pm 23
To Alaskagrrl:
I’ve found it possible to be friends with a couple ex’s, but it did take an appreciable amount of time after the breakup for that to happen. To be able to be friends you need to make an emotional shift –from romantic feelings to ones of solely friendship. You have to really “be over” that person and not harboring a secret hope that they will come around and want you romantically again. This takes time. Usually quite a bit of it. From your post it seems clear that you are not there yet and that’s hardly surprising, it hasn’t been all that long since you stopped seeing this man.
You also didn’t date all that long either and you should consider that perhaps he did you a favor– in that once he realized you were not the one for him, he let you go rather than stringing you along and letting you become more and more attached. He may genuinely want your friendship, but if his calls do nothing more than leave you in a state of yearning, you are better off not taking them until such time as you can truly feel detached–romantically–and thereby possibly open to what friendship he has to offer.
I understand this was a rather unfortunate experience for your first time out dating Alaskagrrrl, try viewing this as ‘pratice’. He wasn’t the one for you, but someone else will be.
Selena Oct 26th 2007 at 06:13 pm 24
The thing about ‘wanting to stay in touch’ after a breakup is that it’s so ambiguous. Do they really just want to see how you’re doing? Testing the waters about getting back together? Angling for the possibility of a booty call? Or waffling through all 3 possibilities? How can you know?
I think it serves best to have no contact after a breakup for a period of at least 4 mos.-longer if the relationship was particularly intense. This gives each person time to “get over, move on” and sort out their feelings about the other and why the relationship ended. Hindsight often brings clarity and hindsight is by its nature not immediate.
If someone kept contacting me after a breakup I know it would just make me more confused and be a stumbling block to healing.
Illinoisgirl Oct 27th 2007 at 04:15 pm 25
Hi there, I recently had an ex-boyfriend email me out of the blue and it didn’t see the email. Then he showed up in my city ten days later and sent me another email. I think he is trying to re-contact me and rekindle the relationship, but I was busy didn’t see him. He sent me an email saying he was glad to know that I still cared for him and he still cared for me. We have been on and off for a year, and he broke up with me to see another woman last spring. He aslo came to town late in the summer and I saw him briefly for coffee and to return his things. When he broke it off in May, I was devastated. This guy had talked about marriage and went cold on me about six months into the relationship. What do I make of this behavior? I don’t trust him anymore.
lorelei Oct 27th 2007 at 10:21 pm 26
In response to Andrea who said: “Also, I agree with Chris. The guy in question broke up with the girl when the time came, thereby not wasting her time. If he does want sex, and she’s okay with it - and yes, I believe that both people can be okay with it - then what’s wrong with that? People are so judgmental when it comes to casual sex. People think that the fact that some people can’t handle it means that EVERYONE can. Everyone’s different with their own capacity to handle situations.”
Yeah, but from reading JD’s letter, it seems fairly obvious to me she’s not in a place to handle casual sex with her ex. So the folks on this blog who speak out in favor of her not polishing the guy’s knob WHILE SHE’S STILL NOT OVER HIM aren’t necessarily being judgmental. Just realistic in this situation.
Sure, casual sex is fine for some people. I think Mrs. Vee put it best at some point, though, when she said that many women use the “language” of sexual liberation while having casual sex to mask their motives of securing a longterm commitment, or to hide the pain from the hollowness of the sex.
dating » Blog Archive » Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me? Oct 28th 2007 at 02:51 am 27
[…] Read the rest of this great post here […]
Selena Oct 28th 2007 at 04:30 am 28
Illinoisgirl:
I wouldn’t trust him either. For one thing, the off and on deal (I’ve been through it) is a big indicator of incompatibility on the whole. You may care for each other, but you find yourselves so frequently at odds–gets tiring after awhile.
In the case of your ex-bf, my guess would be that gets motivated to contact you when he doesn’t have something else romantically going on, when a new relationship proves not to work out. The woman he dropped you for last Spring perhaps as an example. It would appear that this has become a pattern, and if you don’t want to be devastated again, I’d suggest saying “No thanks” to any more of his attempts to hook back up with you. Unless ofcourse, you don’t mind being his back-burner girlfriend while he leaves his options open to keep scouting for a trade up.
Andrea Oct 28th 2007 at 01:40 pm 29
I think Selena nailed it with with her reply to Alaskagrrl.
lorelei -
I don’t see indication in JD’s letter one way or another about whether she’s in a place to handle casual sex with her ex. Nowhere in her letter does sex come up. Evan’s the one who raised the issue. As I said in my earlier comment, people who commented ran with that, but there is no indication that the ex wants anything other than something platonic. I think that all of this talk about sex could confuse her even more.
Anita Oct 28th 2007 at 07:34 pm 30
I got an email from a man I’ve been seeing for over a year. We reconnected after many years of not seeing one another. We were hot and heavy over 20 years ago. We have survived marriages, illness and other events. Now, he wants a “moratorium” on our relationship to see how things work out with someone he just met in a walking group. He wants to continue to email me jokes, etc. and be friends. By the way, he’s no spring chicken. He’s 78 and I am 58. I’m not the beauty queen I once was either. I told him “Auf Wiedersehen.” Things never change even with age. Men akways want to leave the door open for a return engagement when they desire IT!
same position Oct 31st 2007 at 11:05 am 31
First, I want to thank everyone for this posting - it helped me to end something similar that had been going on for way too long. Second, although I agree with a lot of what is said, the truth is that each situation is different. I was seeing someone for about 6 months before he broke up with me. 2 months later he was apologizing and, I thought, trying to get me back. Because I had fallen for him, and not lost that feeling during the break up, I was ecstatic and jumped right on board. The problem was that I was already emotionally involved, and never sure of what he wanted. The lack of communication caused us to end up in a booty-call scenario, which lasted another 6 months. I kept telling myself that no one would sleep with someone for the better part of a year without any feelings, and kept going. Finally I realized that we felt different things for each other. I don’t doubt that he cares about me or wants me in his life, but he’s not emotionally attached because it became just sex - which I allowed (and sometimes even pursued). It took all the strength I could muster (which wasn’t a lot because I had become so emotionally exhausted from the relationship) to finally put an end to it. We spoke once after and that is when I realized he had to be completely out of my life - so I cut him off. It hasn’t been easy but I know it will get better. So, thank you for all your words of wisdom to each other because it really made me realize that I am not going to get what I want when I demand nothing.
Anita Oct 31st 2007 at 11:50 am 32
Dear Same position, You sound like you got your act together. I wish you “good things.”This posting also helped me and it’s only 4 days since I got my “moratorium” email. Cheaper than shopping to ease the pain which occurs at any age when you really care for someone.
same position Oct 31st 2007 at 01:36 pm 33
Oh, Anita, I wish I had my act together. It’s only been a few days. But, the amazing thing is that although I am sad because a big part of my life is now gone (albeit unhealthy), the sadness is not the same as the angst and anxiety I was feeling. As my friends say, “Take a deep breath and step outside the rollercoaster because it has finally come to an end.” That is the good part - no more ups and downs. Now I just need to pick up the pieces and move on. Sounds much easier than it is. But after ending it, I felt this strength that he had taken away from me. Don’t take that to mean I place blame - we both engaged in the unhealthy relationship - only I was also emotionally engaged. Good luck!!!
Anita Oct 31st 2007 at 02:14 pm 34
Thank you Same position, I’m going to a “Singles Discussion” group on Friday night and am volunteering at a Nature Center tomorrow. My friends tell me, this man did me a favor. Now I have more time to devote to ME and the things I love to do instead of always doing what HE wanted to do. I also feel empowered and stronger. Happy Halloween.
mev Nov 11th 2007 at 08:16 pm 35
I just happened to stumble upon this website on aol. I must say the similar situations, the insightful comments and sage advice from others has given me more perspective and understanding than the many books I have read, journaling, talking with friends, reflection, etc., etc.
To paraphrase Evan it’s certainly easy as a third party to pass on advice and knowledge, but if you are the individual involved-whoa let me tell you all the logic, experience and common sense can (and in my case did) go out the window. After reuniting with a former love of my life from 20 years ago, I engaged in the rollercoaster ride of on-and-off again excuse-laden, withdrawal more than a Citibank ATM then I could stand. Finally, after he returned from overseas (after “dating” for a year) without so much as a call, note, text, etc -even though it was my birthday, to get together for another booty call, I laid this line on him: If you want a revolving door, go the Waldorf Astoria, because my door says one thing and one thing only-EXIT.
So, now I see him every two-three weeks with my mother in tow and he does my mother’s teeth and mine for free. The way I figure it, Be careful of biting off more than you can chew, and I, I want to chew with pearly whites.
deja_vu Nov 13th 2007 at 04:37 pm 36
Just found this website - thought I was going mad but I guess this happens the world over.
Meet a guy beginning of this year online. We date - he is very intense for three months and I get caught up in the whirlwind. Calls become a little less frequent, but he seems OK when meeting, then he disappears altogether (doesn’t answer the phone or email msgs). Two months later emails to say he is an idiot and I am wonderful. Doesn’t say why he disappeared. I tell him there is no point being friends - he says he wants to meet me but doesn’t arrange anything. Two weeks of text messages later, I ask him if he wants to meet - he says that he is tired and he will chat tomorrow. Wake up call! Block his number, texts and emails.
For some stupid reason miss him, but try and date anyway (without success) and then guess who pops up FOUR months later? He texts me from a different cell number “Hey, how’s it going? How are you - it’s X!”. Really tried hard not to respond, but I did after a week. He sends me text messages every day during the week. One or two are flirty, but others are just general chit chat, so I assume that he is not after booty call. No idea why he got in touch again and to this day I still don’t know why he broke up with me. He hasn’t been in touch for five days.
Given up trying to figure this out. Trying to work on myself instead and convince myself that if I had a bit more faith in myself, I wouldn’t be sucked into this toxic behaviour. Here’s hoping 2008 will be better than this year
cindi Nov 18th 2007 at 08:41 pm 37
ok…heres my experience…and a very recent one at that ..was dating about a yr and a half he was my best friend too and i love him dearly ..really never saw it coming ..met the family in ohio …his mom and i are close .he even told her ,,ill never meet another woman like this…bla bla bla. well.. 3 wks ago on the way to dinner ..just 2 days after he called me saying,: “you are in my heart.. i love u”
youre very special and all that,, he broke up with me..said he wasnt “sure” needs time.
mind you, we were always together on the weekends and have lots of memories ..just imagine ..so i can defintely identify …he says hes hurting because he hurt me. i made one mistake at first and went over to his home ..he said: he just wants to be alone ..please leave ..its very hard for me to see u” so i havent called hes called me about 3 times but is still choosing to go to his familiys home alone this thanksgiving..im hurt ,as well as stumped ..DEJAVU , I AGREE WITH YOU …THIS TOXIC BEHAVIOR THING. I GUESS I NEED TO WORK ON IT AS WELL I TOO HOPE 2008 IS A BETTER YR. THANKS FOR LISTENING ALL.
chiara Nov 19th 2007 at 07:33 pm 38
here, here!
sonya Nov 29th 2007 at 07:40 am 39
I have a bit of a different opinion about the matter and my situation may be a rare case or something. I also don’t want to steer you in the wrong direction or give false hope either but here goes. I dated a guy for one year, then we moved in together, lived together and dated for another year, then he dumped me. I didn’t see it coming, I was devastated and felt like the 2 years we had spent together was a waste. I let go, I got my own apartment and lived independently and single. He called me just about every day and still wanted to talk, still said that he loved me even though I wouldn’t say it back. I would ignore his calls a lot of the time and even told him that I thought it would be best if we didn’t speak and he would be so upset so I agreed to hang out with him sometimes and he would say that he made a mistake and this went on for months until he finally asked if I would take him back. I still loved him as well and I really think that letting go was the best thing we could have done. We have been married for almost three years and have been together for 7 years counting our 4 month break up. I guess my point is, maybe he isn’t out to use you as a “friend with benefits”. Maybe he just needs time to sort things out with himself and figure out what he wants. He might want to keep in touch with you so that during this time you don’t completely lose touch and become strangers. He may still care about you but just not want to be with you at the moment for some reason. My husband (boyfriend at the time) broke up with me because he wanted to see what it was like to be single again and date other people. He did, and said that it felt wrong and that it just made him miss me and want to be with me more. I believe him because I dated and experienced the same feeling. Not sure how old you are but I think when your young and you become so committed to someone even if your heart tells you it’s right you brain, your rationale, friends, society, even family sometimes tells you it’s wrong because you’re too young. I guess to sum this up I don’t think it’s a bad idea or the other person neccessarily has bad intentions to keep in touch. Keep it strictly friends though, limit the amount of time you talk on the phone and the time you spend together. Absoulutely NO SEX! If he wants that then you need to tell him he needs to rethink his decision to break up, then give it some space. See what happens then, and even if he say’s he does want to be with you again tell him that you need some time to think about it (and really think about it). If the relationship can survive a separation and the two people still choose each other after having the option and getting a taste of freedom again, you know it’s golden:)
Gail Nov 29th 2007 at 04:25 pm 40
Sonya -
Thanks for another viewpoint. When I first started reading the posts I thought “Wow! I really need to stay away from the guy who took a break from me!” Now I’m thinking that each situation needs to be evaluated on it’s own merit. Men and women are complex and one-size dosen’t necessarily fit all. I liked what you said about “Keep it strictly friends though, limit the amount of time you talk on the phone and the time you spend together. Absoulutely NO SEX!”. That makes sense. I think I’d add “guard your heart”. Be careful not to make this an excuse to stay in relationship that isn’t going anywhere, but also not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. If you’re on a “break” or a “breakup” date other people, date him (but follow Sonya’s suggestions about limits). If he wants to come back, lay down the ground rules, watch to see if actions and words go together and that he’s pursuing you. And from my personal experience…..so easily said, so difficult to do!!!!
LS Nov 30th 2007 at 03:13 am 41
There is absolutely no excuse for exploiting the venerability of another human being for your own benefit. He knows what he is doing. He want’s sex until the real deal comes along. He knows you like him and that you will probably go along with it.
To the guys, the best example here is when a girl dumps you but still want’s you to keep taking her out and paying, mowing the lawn every week and doing odd jobs around the house. All without the rest of the good parts of real relationship. Is that what you want.
Then think clearly and ask is that what she wants and deserves.
She deserves the very best life has to offer her.
The real deal.
I hope you find the one who deserves what you have to offer.
Illinoisgirl Dec 13th 2007 at 11:10 pm 42
I agree with Sonya.
If a guy or woman just wants sex, that isn’t a real relationship anyway in my book. That is a one night stand, or a hook up.
I think the problem comes in when we get the two confused.
If you have had a real relationship, and he needs time to be single or find out what that is like, I say let him, if you are willing to wait and still have feelings. But I agree to not have sex with him at this point, or really, ideally, again until you are married or have a marriage committment.
chris prince Dec 17th 2007 at 09:53 am 43
@ Andrea - you said “there is no indication that the ex wants anything other than something platonic.”
Seeing as how you’re a take-what-people-say-literally-and-at-face-value kind of a woman, how’d you like to come over to my place and I can show you the vintage button collection I keep in my bedroom?
hunter Dec 17th 2007 at 07:28 pm 44
…we like to keep in touch, because, once we stake our claim, we like to check on the herd….if you start seeing someone else, we will say,,,,,,, “why did you let the stallion in?”….
Dory Dec 23rd 2007 at 10:22 am 45
I hooked up with a former boyfriend whom I hadn’t seen in over thirty years. I’ve been a widow for over 25 years and he had been divorced for over 9 years. Well , he cam to see me twice over the past 5 years - once his ex remarried. Up until then he had claimed to still be in love with her.
After his first visit, he claimed he just wanted to be friends- but we were intimate becaus he knew that I wanted it. I did- because it had been 18 years since I had been with a man, and for him it had been 9 yrs. So even though he claimed to want friendship only- I figured we must have clicked in some way. Saw him again a year later , and now just last week. When he came down it was for my daughter’s wedding, and he informed me that he was crazy in love with a woman he had been introduced to several months ago. I told him he should have stayed home, and never should have come to see me at this time. I really let him have it , and I told him that despite everything- we would have a great weekend and then I never wanted to see or hear from him again.
I am firmly convinced that the men who do things like this- see women who they don’t want to be involved with will keep doing it until they are told off. By the way he had to travel over 2000 miles and change his reservations several times so this wasn’t a casual deciision on his part. Now , I am convinced that if his love interest will have him she will regret it for the rest of her life- but at least he will be out of my life.
Anita Dec 27th 2007 at 05:51 pm 46
Sounds very familiar Dory. See my posts in October. My ex boyfriend just sent me a very suggestive Christmas card suggesting we get together so he could see my tree and some new home improvements. But,he’s still seeing the woman from the walking group. I almost laughed out loud and completely ignored his card which went into the trash. No matter how old men are, they still behave like spoiled little boys and try to get away with as much as they can.
Illinoisgirl Dec 27th 2007 at 06:34 pm 47
I have a question for Evan: do guys just need time to decide what they want, as in the blog above, and does this justify staying in touch with the woman they dateed and slept with previously?
I am confused…it sounds like some of these guys ARE players and are looking for sex only, but some might be truly confused.
In my case, I have been being contacted by my ex but I have not gotten together with him at all, barely have time to talk to him. He is back pursuing me and says he has broken up with the other woman now for about a month or so. He has flown me to visit my family. What should I do?
Selena Dec 28th 2007 at 05:09 pm 48
Dory,
You meet up with a bf from 30 yrs. ago who tells you he wants to be friends, but you convince him to have sex with you. You see him a year later. Four years go by, and he flys 2000 miles to attend your daughter’s wedding and tells you he has fallen madly in love with a woman he met several months ago. And you are quite upset.
Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a man who has been stringing you along. With all due respect, it sounds like you have spent 5 years hoping for a romance that never materialized. I suppose he could have told you about the woman in his life before planning to attend the wedding, but maybe he thought telling you in person was an act of friendship?
I am mystified by women who think they have a deep relationship with men they seldom see in person. What did you think he was doing all those years between visits? In any case, I hope you find someone close to home that really does want to be more than just friends and a once in a blue moon sexual encounter.
sheseizereason Dec 29th 2007 at 11:40 am 49
Illinois- There’s no one foolproof bullshit-detector test, unfortunately. Some guys ARE players and are looking for sex only, but some might be truly confused. If your guy is reappearing in your life, you would be doing yourself a favor by being skeptical esp. if he hurt you once before. Like Evan says, it’s all in his actions, not his words. If he’s pursuing you again, you have to look or ask for confirmations that he’s serious.
It sounds like he’s making some solid gestures if he’s investing in plane tickets to fly you to your family. (Does he live in the same town as your family and do you live out of town?) Beyond spending the cash, tho’, you should be looking for him to state in no uncertain terms that he wants a committed relationship with you. It’s not unheard of for a man to shower a woman with generosity, but still be unable to make the most important promise to her.
***********
hunter - I’m confused by your herd/stallion analogy. Are you a shepherd or some sort of ranch hand in this scenario? Are we women mares or something? And if other men are stallions and it’s your, um, herd, is this some sort of kinky interspecies mating type of thing? Or are you an equine being too who is also animorphously capable of tending to a herd? M’be like in a Disney cartoon where Goofy’s a dog and Pluto’s one too, but one’s the pet and the other is the master which would make you Goofy in this analogy, btw… Oh dear, I’m afraid all your figurative speech can be just too much for my feeble little brain. Please do clarify ’cause us fillies are really trying to figure out how the whole thing works with you male ponies or mules or, er, asses.
Dory Jan 2nd 2008 at 11:58 am 50
You know a person could have “love” feelings for someone without having the same feelings recipricated. It doesn’t lessen the feelingsif they are not returned. If the object of your affection knows how you feel, and he continues to encourage you to correspond, leaving the door open for future visits- I’m convinced that he doesn’t have your best interests in mind.
If a man really liked a woman as a friend( not romantically) he should be gracious enough to leave her alone so she doesn’t have to be reminded of him I don’t think anyone wants to be tortured by the person they are interested in. Who wants to know that the man is capable of having strong feelings for another woman?It certainly can’t give a person confidence. What I don’t understand is why men think they are being “honest” by telling someone who they know likes them that they are in love with another woman. I think they should enjoy their ne love and leave other women alone. Why would they even want to see another woman if they were so in love?
Selena Jan 2nd 2008 at 02:44 pm 51
I don’t know that it’s always about sex. Sometimes it might be just about missing the person who was in your life for a time. Perhaps having a subsequent relationship that was unsatisfactory and making comparisons.
To determine whether or not it’s a good idea to start seeing an ex again might depend on how long or short term the relationship was, and what the reasons were for the breakup in the first place. What has changed? Anything?
I don’t think the reasons for wanting to stay in touch are spurious necessarily, but they can be ambiguous, indecisive.
Julz Jan 9th 2008 at 12:00 am 52
I had the exact same thing happen. Dated a guy who said and acted like he was very attracted to me. When I admitted i had feelings for him he cooled things off without telling me the reasons. I was left sad and confused as he called a lot and we saw each other on weekends now the occasional phone call. Now he says he wants to be friends when we never were in the first place. I feel like he controlled the relationship from day one and I am supposed to go along with his feelings. Does he care about mine? He said he didn’t care about sex ( I was a virgin) because he was looking for a long term relationship. He said it would be easy for me to find someone else as I have all the qulities a guy would want in a woman. I don’t want to make excuses but he was going through some personal problems with the death of a parent and finding steady employment and also had a bad experience with a woman before meeting me. Is he scared of commitment or getting hurt? or is now not a good time for him to be in a relationship?
Selena Jan 9th 2008 at 06:00 am 53
Well Julz,
You’ve just joined a very big club. Many, many of us have had this experience where someone comes on strong, and just as we start to think there is really something there, they abruptly drop off the radar screen, or do a fade out as in the case with your guy. It really is confusing. We wonder what happened? How did we misread him? And we try to psychoanalyze possible motives, like fear of commitment, fear of being hurt, a bad time for him to be in a relationship.
If you read Evan’s blogs, you’ll see time and time again, that the reason simply comes down to he just wasn’t that into you. That phrase has become such a cliche I find it grating, but it’s true. Someone who is really interested in you wants to spend time with you, they don’t leave you hanging, they don’t string you along with only occasional phone calls.
I’m sure he meant it when he told you you have all the qualities a guy would want in woman, but that was a nice way of saying, even so, you’re not the woman for him. Go ahead an attribute all sorts of psychological problems to him if it makes you feel better. But know this, you WILL find someone else for whom you are the right woman and that guy will stick around.
Julz Jan 9th 2008 at 01:01 pm 54
Thanks for the advice Selena. I found comfort in your words of wisdom. I think i already knew that he wasn’t that into me anymore it is just really hard to admit it to yourself. Men really need to understand how their actions affect women emotionally and how it prevents them from fully appreciating great guys when they come do along. Evan’s reponses are great but sometimes it feels like women are supposed to tippy-toe around men so we don’t hurt their feelings. What about telling them how much they have hurt or deceived us? They are not little boys.
Selena Jan 9th 2008 at 02:14 pm 55
Well Julz, I’m almost gung ho on the idea of you calling this guy to tell him how much he hurt and deceived you. Almost. Because I’m not sure he actually deceived you. It sounds like you dated just long enough for you to become attached and for him to decide you just weren’t the girl for him. It also sounds like he attempted to let you down easy (he said it would it would be easy for you to find someone else because you have all the qualities a guy would want in a woman). How do you think he should have handled it? How would you have handled it if you felt you just weren’t into him?
The point of dating as I see it, is to see if we really connect with that other person. Sometimes we find after a period of dating, that we just don’t– long term is not in the cards. And so we have to tell them that. Is there any *good* way to do that? Any way that doesn’t hurt the other person’s feelings if they hoped the relationship would continue?
We want someone we are attracted to to show interest. If they don’t, we figure they just aren’t into us from the get go. The confusing thing is, that mutual interest may be high in weeks 1-3, but possibly not so much by week 6 and by week 10 we have figured out this other person just isn’t the one for us for whatever reason. We just don’t know on week 1 how we will feel on week 10. If *it* isn’t there mutually, we can feel used, ‘played’, that our time was wasted. And this happens with both nice guys and nice girls who never set out to deliberately hurt someone else.
It might be cool to have a crystal ball to look into and see just exactly how long we will be into each other, but then again maybe not. So we go on, and eventually we do find someone who ’sticks’, and to whom we stick with as well. It’s happened to me before and I expect it will again. And for you too.
Julz Jan 9th 2008 at 03:52 pm 56
I agree with the sentiments mostly but I think when you’re in the position you don’t see it that clearly. I don’t think it is that cut and dry though. Before you ask, No I am not hanging to him in the hope that he changes his mind or if nothing better comes along. I don’t want a guy to do that to me, I won’t allow it. I didn’t think he played me in a deliberate way but he set the tone of the relationship-touching, kissing, etc then telling me we should be friends later on the same night. I think there was a very strong mutual attraction and it is hard to see that dissappear. But that’s my own pride. If you say friends, mean it.
Selena Jan 9th 2008 at 05:14 pm 57
Touching and kissing and then the “let’s just be friends” speech later the same night? Talk about mixed messages. What’s up with that? I’d be pissed. Maybe this guy really does have psychological problems.
I know what you mean about it being hard to see a mutual attraction disappear, it does hurt your pride, if not your heart. It’s happened to me a few times. My post above was geared toward the nature of short term relationships–that initial attraction doesn’t always *hold*. I’ve been on both sides of that as well. Never gets any easier when you are the one who still has ‘the feelings’ and the other person doesn’t.
Dory Jan 11th 2008 at 09:54 am 58
Well, I can sympathize with you regarding confusion about someone’s feelings. The funny thing is that I don’t think the guy actually knows how he feels. I think his feelings might change from moment to moment. The problem lies when we ( women) are so dependent on how the guy treats us. Who cares if they don’t want to have a romance- someone else will eventually come along- the problem is we don’t want to admit defeat, and we keep trying to convince him that we are the right person for him.
If the sparks are not mutual- he should be man enough to move on and let you find someone better suited for a relationship. What annoys me is the guy who wants to keep you on a string that he reels in and then lets go. He’s playing and the person he’s playiong with is you.
By the way- it feels great to tell the guy who is doing this that he is an ass. BAsically he needs to be told off and you need to get rid of him from your thoughts.
verbosity Jan 11th 2008 at 11:17 am 59
I’m going to boil it down to it’s essence…..
JD has been relegated to the guy’s bullpen. That is why most men would continue contact.
Julz Jan 11th 2008 at 11:57 pm 60
Thankyou Selena and Dory you both make a lot of sense and your advice has been very comforting. It is nice to know that others can relate to a problem and can offer real, heartfelt advice. Thanks again and best of luck to you both!
Illinois girl Jan 15th 2008 at 05:04 pm 61
Hi All,
I saw him, and my guy is saying that he wants to come back, and when I pressed him he said that he had decided he wanted to see other people last year, but that our relationship was the only one that was any good. He wants to come here to be closer as he lives in another state. I want to give him another chance, but I am afraid he will do this again. What do you suggest? I am still very attracted to him and we get along well. He was very recently divorced when we dated a year or so ago. Time has passed and the feelings are still there.
Illinois Girl
Selena Jan 15th 2008 at 08:09 pm 62
Illinoisgirl-
Before getting back with an ex, I believe it’s wise to examine in depth why you broke up in the first place–are those reasons still there? In your first post you said he went cold after 6mos. He says it’s because he wanted to see other people? That might not be completely unreasonable given that he was fresh out of a divorce when you started dating. I dunno. Still hurt you though.
Point is, can you trust his sincerity about only wanting you now? The fact he’s willing to move to be near you says something. I suggest alot of talking to determine if his feelings are really about YOU and not just about having ’someone’.
Elrena Jan 23rd 2008 at 02:21 am 63
Does this apply if the guy had to leave the country?
I met this guy 3 weeks before he left the country I am in. We clicked well despite of the huge gap in our cultures, lifestyle and environments. He wanted to keep in touch and said that without any doubt we would have been together if we were in the same country. When he left, we both cried. Both of us have to deal with certain things on our own at the moment and we are not interested in having a long-distance relationship. He did make efforts to keep in touch, letters and messages, almost weekly - it’s been only 1 month since he left. Have I fallen in the same situation? that I’ve become a backup - a possible vacation good-time partner?
I did let him, as Evan said. I wonder if I should keep letting this way. I’d love to have your views on this.
just plain confused Feb 21st 2008 at 11:29 am 64
Hi, I came across this thread seaching for my own answers to a similar dilemna. Here is the short version, if possible. I met this guy on an internet dating site. He persued me, I gave him a chance. We met, “dated” for six weeks. We held hands, kissed and hugged….NOTHING MORE!!! We would tease each other about sex, but we both wanted to get to know each other better before we went to the next step. Well much to my chagrin, one day out of the blue….I get a phone call. Basically he says this…”My ex gf says she is possibly carrying my baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would like it if we just put “us” on hold until the baby is born.” He tells me this over the phone!!! I was thinking WTF???? Sad part was, the night before, I came to the conclusion that I was falling in love with him. I hadn’t felt like this about one person in a VERY long time….and then…..WHOOSH….the rug pulled from under my feet. Being that he told me all of this over the phone, I felt that it was really hard to tell if he was lying to me….so we met up a few days later to “discuss” the impending situation. As I read his body language, he was still telling me he was interested. I said to him, just cause she may or may not be carrying your child doesn’t mean “we” have to end. He said that is what makes this even harder for him. He says that I am a beautiful person inside and out. He would love to persue a future with me, but right now, is not the time. So….we agreed to be “just friends.” Ok so now we are friends….he calls me everday, calls me little pet names, and still talks with me like we are a couple!!! How is that supposed to feel. I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt, and stating I need some time away from him. It would be the best for both of us. I even gave him my blessing if he should chose to get back with her. Did I mention that she had dumped him to get back with her ex? When I first heard what he had told me I was thinking…wow….and I thought Jerry Springer was made up!!!! He said he wants to “spare” me from his drama in his life and gives me the greenlight to “date” other men. Well it’s been two weeks since then, I have been talking to a few other men, but I still feel an allegience to him. I know that if I tell him that I am dating some one, he would be upset. I truly care about him, and he says the same, but still I have doubts about him. When he calls me, we just shoot the shet, normal small talk, have a good day and stuff like that. Sometimes we even share past stories in our lives just like we had before we were in the friends zone.
If he has let me go, why continue to talk to me if he really didn’t care? Do I boost his ego so much that he has me here to feel better about himself?
I have talked it over with my girlfriends and some have mixed feelings. Only one of my friends tells me to just drop him and run.
I am not that type of person to sit and judge someone for something that has happened prior to meeting me. They had broken up 2 months before I came into the picture. Now she is 4 months pregnant. She refuses to get any inutero dna testing, she wants to wait until the baby is born. She swears it is his baby, and when she got back with her ex, she ALWAYS made him wear a condom and there is NO WAY it could be his….hmmmm condoms break…but what ever!!!
So this is my quandry. Do I date the men that are persuing me, and go through the motions (and wishing I was with him) while I am still hung up on this other man or do I just say…I AM FREE, come and get me and forget all about the other guy? It is so hard for me to tell my heart to stop feeling for him!!!!
I have discussed this with one man, unfortunately I can’t really rely on his opinion because he would like to persue a furture with me. But to sum it up, he says that this man is just making excuses and is holding on to me “just in case” and that I should persue someone else who can be there for me in every way.
Please advise.
Just plain confused!!!!
Li-Ann Feb 21st 2008 at 03:21 pm 65
You sound like a wonderful person and I am so sorry this has happened to you.
Please re-read what Evan wrote and all the earlier posts.
You wrote: “He said he wants to “spare” me from his drama in his life and gives me the greenlight to “date” other men. ”
At least he was honest enough to say that. Some men want to see other women, but hold you as a back-up. However, unfortunately, that tells a lot. No guy who was deeply in love with someone would greenlight them to date other men. A guy who was in love would worry that he could lose you forever.
Also, you said that you could be there for him after the baby was born, wait for him and be ready to restart the relationship when he feels ready. Here you have offered him an incredible deal and what sounds like a good option to deal with his new situation. You are willing to wait for him. Again, I think a guy that was seriously interested, would take that deal. He’d do anything just to know he could have you. I can’t know what is really happening, and I hope I’m wrong about this, but maybe he has some unresolved feelings for this woman.
Please re-read the other posts. I know what you are going through, and I remember how hard it was to hear the same thing from a man “you are so beautiful, you are a wonderful person…” Despite the fact that his speech sounded so lovely, if you sum it all up, what would happen next is that I’d cry, and then I’d never hear from the guy again who was afraid of my reaction. Had I been sweet and nice and totally understanding like you were, I’m sure the same guy would feel comfortable calling me later on to chat about their life, new girlfriends, and generally keeping me as a back up. Since you have been so friendly and understanding, he feels comfortable to keep in touch.
I still hope it turns out well for you, but please don’t underestimate the natural desire of men (and women) to hold on to someone as a backup.
Selena Feb 21st 2008 at 04:05 pm 66
Just Plain Confused,
I think he’s trying to do you a kindness by not getting romantically involved with you at this time. He and his ex may have unresolved feelings for each other they will be working out during the pregnancy and after the baby is here. Bear in mind, they were broken up for ONLY 2 mos. when you entered the picture. They may try reconcilling for the sake of a baby on the way. Do you even know if she wants him back? He may not want to do anything to jeopardize being in his child’s life, if it is indeed his.
I know you have developed strong feelings for him and it hurts to be put on hold, but think how much MORE hurt you would be if he became romantically involved with you, only to later decide his place was with her and the baby. He’s right, the timing here is just bad. And I suspect if you were dating him, you would spend the next year feeling insecure because of this situation.
If it’s painful for you to be “just friends” with him, break that off. Tell him to contact you at some point after the baby is born if and when he is free for another relationship. Go on about your life, have fun with your friends. You don’t have to rush right out and find a boyfriend, nothing wrong with being single, meeting people, and letting whatever happens, happen. Trying to ‘force’ anything almost always backfires.
Illinois Girl Feb 21st 2008 at 04:13 pm 67
Dear Just Plain Confused,
I would definitely move on. That is just me but I would not hang on to any hope at all for this relationship.
This guy needs to figure out what he is doing, and if he is going to be a father to his baby. This is going to take time.
Meanwhile, he is telling you to move on, so I would do it.
Hot Alpha Female Feb 21st 2008 at 08:49 pm 68
You know what i reckon hes thinking?
Basically he wants to have his cake and eat it too …
Still remain in contact with you, maybe hang out with you .. yet not have to have all the problems of an actual relationship
He’s scared about commitment. He doesn’t know what he wants. Hes an idiot, plain and simple. A confused one. Maybe more than you.
While he may be all these things, at some point we also have to take accountability for our own actions too.
Your need to be able to reflect on what happened and ask yourself if there was anything that YOU did that would have prompted him to get scared.
Men can be quite tentative when it comes to starting relationships and if they hear any signs that you are more into them they they are you .. well they go running .. and they go running fast!
So while i think that you should ditch this guy and find someone better, i would also ask yourself is there is anything that you could have learned from the experience to see that you don’t make any of the same mistakes in the future.
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
just plain confused Feb 22nd 2008 at 10:15 am 69
Hello everyone!
Thank you for your honesty and englightenment. I really appreciate it
However, last night was amazing!!!! Not only did I have one date, I had two! Talk about a waterfall of men…hahahhahah The first date I had last night was ok. But….when I was driving home from that one, a man that I had really wanted to see called me up and we met for a drink. It was the first time I actually met him in person. I met him from the same dating website. He had persued me back in November, he had gotten a new job that prevented him from actually getting to see me. But we still kept in touch here and there. When we were there talking, it seemed as if we were old friends and that time wasn’t even a factor. We felt extremely comfortable in each other’s company!!! The whole time I was talking to him, I had completely forgotten the other dude I originally wrote about. NO GUILT FEELINGS EITHER!!!! It’s not that I forgot about, I will call him Tony, it’s just that it was time for me to move on! For what ever agenda or reason he has to keep me on the back burner so to speak is for his reasons only. I will probably never know, and at this point, nor do I care anymore!
I think Tony is more concerned if I don’t want him in MY life. So for the time being, I will keep a low profile. Not return his calls when he beckons for me and so on. Plus I will be too busy with my new friend to be concerned.
I am not a cold hearted person, I just would like to be with some one who isn’t indecisive. If you want to be with me, and I want to be with you…then there you have it! No reason to beat around the bush and keep teasing someone for your own benefit.
To all the other people that have and may experience this similar situation………DON’T SETTLE!!!!! Life IS entirely too short and to be miserable about what could have been is even worse! Just pick yourself up, dust off, and get back into the swing of things. Good things are out ther for you…….Only if you are out there to greet them!
GOOD LUCK TO ALL!
just plain confused……NOT ANYMORE!!!!
starthrower Mar 6th 2008 at 08:49 pm 70
Girls-take-your-power-back!
If-a-guys-ends-it-then-it’s-done….take-authority-over-that-situation-and-get-free-of-it….if-he-has-an-epiphany-and-comes-running-back-to-you-make-him-work-for-it.
SpeakTruth Mar 7th 2008 at 05:43 pm 71
Starthrower i totally totally agree!!! We need to start taking back our own control instead of handing it over to the guys on a silver platter.
Give them the challenge!!!
starthrower Mar 7th 2008 at 08:16 pm 72
I’m-honestly-not-anti-male-or-a-who-needs-a-man-type….but-we-teach-others-how-to-treat-us-and-others-will-usually-take-the-path-of-least-resistance-if-we-let-them.
For-example-I-have-had-a-guy-who-drifted-in-and-out-and-he-disappeared-again….I-will-not-go-chasing-after-him….either-he-will-get-serious-or-he-won’t-and-someone-will-come-along-who-will….meanwhile-I-have-a-full-and-happy-life-so-a-guy-is-icing-on-the-cake.
Is-it-true-men-have-options…sure-they-do…but-women-have-them-too!
Another Confused Gal Apr 18th 2008 at 01:32 pm 73
Dear all, I have read most of the posts here with changing moods from post to post, maybe a sign that I myself am still pretty much struggling to ditch the guy or still hold on to the hope.
Well, the thing is I’m doing a postgrad program which requires me to be in 2 foreign countries for the whole period of 3 semesters. I met a very shy foreign (local) guy last semester (1st) who lived on the same floor sharing the same kitchen in the dorm and we talked, started to hang out, flirted and finally dated. One night after the whole day together he confessed his feelings for me and I did for him. We went to his room, talking about our feelings and made out. We agreed to be official and he promised me to make this work. The next morning he suddenly became solemn and said he needed time. Apparently he was too hurt from his ex cheating on him and was afraid to move on with another commitment. I got so angry with him that I refused to talk to him for a few days. After a lot of crying, I realised later that he wasn’t at all the deceiving type and that he was very hurt as well (he even cried with my best friend who also lived on the same floor). I started to talk to him, discussed things and decided we would try to avoid each other (since living together made everything harder) and became strictly corridormates until he really got over his ex and got out of his long depression. But very often I caught him staring at me (and looked away when I caught him) and listened to every word I said to other corridormates (I know because he remembered everything I said). Sometimes we talked as friends (deep but still awkward friends). He treated me differently from other corridormates (sometimes super nice sometimes making it obvious in avoiding me) and opened up to me even though I didn’t even ask (He’s a workaholic who doesn’t have much social life and a very reserved person which also means he didn’t see anyone either). I was tormented with this mess for the rest of the semester. The day I had to leave for 2nd semester in another country he asked me when I would be back (for the last semester…but didn’t mention the future). We said goodbye awkwardly. Then, realising it might be my last chance, I asked him to kiss me, he did, very long and passionately. After settling in a new country for 2 weeks, I emailed him in a friendly (but still deep and awkward) way. He expressed surprise at first. We keep contacting by email ever since (mostly about our feelings with life…not with e