Nov26
Why Would a Person Choose Religion Over Me?
Pages: 1 2
Dear Evan,
Have you ever dated someone who was really religious and he/she chose religion over you? The thing is, I’m not of any religion, but I’m pretty open-minded. Someone I used to be with is Catholic and recently discovered that he wants to pursue his faith more seriously. I don’t mind at all but he ultimately felt that because I don’t believe in the same thing, he’ll end up making decisions in the future based on his faith that I won’t be able to fully understand. He says I won’t be able to support his decisions and/or I’ll resent him.
An example is if we were married in the future, he would want to donate lots and lots of money to the needy because he’s willing to sacrifice his own selfish needs to help others as God would want him to. But I said although that’s admirable, I’d rather take that money and pay off our mortgage or save it for the kid’s college funds.
I honestly don’t know if his religion is just an excuse because he fell out of love for me or if it is really true. During our course of relationship, he led me to believe that we were meant to be together and it’s so easy for him to see us married. I guess I just can’t comprehend how someone can choose religion over another person especially when he says we were made for each other.
He must’ve really had a change of heart and I realize that that can happen, but I feel led on and a bit hurt and angry.
Evan, I’d like to know what is your take on this issue?
Sandra
Dear Sandra,
My girlfriend is Catholic and I’m Jewish.
I don’t take her to synagogue, she doesn’t take me to church.
We saw my family over Thanksgiving, we’re seeing hers over Christmas.
We don’t agree on anything spiritual, so we don’t even discuss it.
Sometimes, I’ll let my secular biases out, and she always forgives me.
She knows I love and respect her, even if I don’t always love and respect the influence of the Christian right.
This is how you have an interfaith relationship. Respect each other, without trying to change each other.
The problem is that most of us can’t really respect when someone sees the world completely differently than we do. In order to have that strong connection we crave, we look for someone who is like-minded. I’ve got clients who want someone who can dance, because dancing is important. I’ve got clients who have to find a dog-lover, because their pets are like children. And yes, I have clients who value religion above all, and demand that a partner feel the same.
These are all arbitrary deal-breakers, which often serve to keep these people alone for a really long time. The thing is: you can’t tell them that they should change. People want what they want.
I wrote an article for Yahoo called “Setting the Bar Too High”, which focuses on the deal-breakers we impose on relationships. There’s nothing wrong with having preferences; the problem comes when our preferences serve to box us in and restrict our options in love….
Continued on next page >>Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
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Marc Nov 26th 2007 at 08:59 am 1
I’ve been dumped for Jesus, Buddha, Jehova, and that Hindu dude with the elephant head. And I’ve been thankful to all of those women for ending it before the relationship went too far, and we had to argue about whether to send the kids to public school or an ashram.
Consider yourself lucky, Sandra.
Markus Nov 26th 2007 at 09:13 am 2
EMK is 100% right. Maybe the guy is lying to you. Maybe not. It really doesn’t matter. Walk away. And like he said, people are allowed to have whatever conditions or dealbreakers they want. It’s a free country. Unfortunately all most of these things do is keep us alone. That said, I need to comment on the Catholic thing. I was raised Catholic but am more spiritual and open-minded now. However, I’ve retained a lot of what is referred to as “Catholic social teaching” and it means more than “tithing”. I understand what the guy is saying because being altruistic is very important to me. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of putting more into my mortage, aside for college and retirement too. But what this guy might be saying is that he’d rather live a more modest life and be able to do some donating to charity than he thinks you would want to. Again, his choice. Just trying to help you out with where he’s coming from.
Sam Nov 26th 2007 at 12:00 pm 3
He must’ve really had a change of heart and I realize that that can happen, but I feel led on and a bit hurt and angry.
Evan, I’d like to know what is your take on this issue?
People learn about themselves as they date. Dating a non-Catholic (or non-Christian, even) taught this man how important his faith was to him. Maybe the faith and desire to live a Christian life were always there, just that dating a non-Catholic/non-Christian brought those feelings to the surface.
OR, perhaps this man did become more religious over the past few months. If Catholicism has become a big part of his identity, you can’t expect him to go out with someone who isn’t a Catholic. If he wants to be a Catholic father to Catholic children you cannot expect him to be comfortable with a non-Catholic wife.
He didn’t choose “religion” over you, he chose a whole lifestyle over you.
I don’t think he led you on. Either he discovered something about himself or he genuinely changed. People should be forgiven for their inexperience and for changes which they cannot help.
JaguarRose Nov 26th 2007 at 03:48 pm 4
You have to understand that true Christianity is a lifestyle. It’s not about having a religion, it’s about a relationship. A set of values that you subscribe to. Praying daily, bible study, attending church service, seeking a closer walk with God, trying to become Christlike. Christ in our lives changes us gradually (for the better) and someone who is not walking that path may not be able to support or understand. It’s about loving God and receiving God’s love. Knowing that one God created the heavens and the earth, believing that Jesus Christ is our savior. Unfortunately there are many people who carry the label “Christian” who have no relationship with Jesus Christ. There are many Christians who go to church on sundays but really don’t have an understanding of what the messge of Jesus Christ was all about. The Bible teaches Christians that we are not to be unevenly yoked with unbelievers. That’s a basic principal of our faith. That does NOT mean that we can’t have great friendships with all people. We are supposed to show kindness and compassion to everyone. I have friends with very different beliefs and I respect them all; but when it comes to the man that I will share my life with and raise my family our faith has to be in agreement. There are many issues he and I can agree to disagree on, but that is not one of them. If you call yourself a Christian it means you believe the bible, not just the parts that are convenient or what you personally agree with.
Any Christian who ignores this either doesn’t know better or doesn’t care. Whenever I talk to people who are in “mixed” relationships I find that neither of them is particularly serious about their walk with God and treat “religion” is more about rituals and traditions. Their faith is generic and they are reluctant to follow their faith with real commitment, which is why is easier for them to have that type of relationship.
People who don’t believe the Bible have a hard time understanding this, but I still think it should be respected, just as anyone else would want their belief to be respected.
Sandra Nov 26th 2007 at 07:31 pm 5
Thanks for everyone’s feedback and thanks, Evan, for your’s too. I have to say, by the time Evan published this, I was already over him and have moved on! I am much happier where I’m at right now and no longer care as to why he didn’t choose to be with me. I’m very much at peace with it all.
Cindy Nov 26th 2007 at 08:14 pm 6
I had the same thing happen to me. We were friends for 3 1/2 years before we decided to try a romantic relationship. Everything was great. I spoiled him, he loved it. It was comfortable and safe and felt right. Then I could tell he was feeling too comfortable and I knew his fear of past relationships repeating themselves would surface again! We were on again off again for a while. The final straw was when he told me that since I was not a born-again, I was not assured a place next to him in heaven. Ok….. if that’s how you feel. I kissed him on the forehead, wished him luck, and we’re still friends. I’m not gonna even try to compete with that!!!
WannaGetMatzoBalled Nov 26th 2007 at 08:19 pm 7
I think this is actually a very practical matter and nothing more. Forget about the whole realm of spirituality, because no one is on the same path really, any more than they’re on the same path of personal growth.
But day to day practice–there, I think it is much more harmonious to be on the same page.
Alan Nov 26th 2007 at 08:59 pm 8
I just love the punchline. Kudos for that one.
Incidentally, I’m generally wary of people who are very religious. Could just be the skeptic in me. This has nothing to do with anything here except I smiled at comment #4.
(Cheers!)
downtowngal Nov 26th 2007 at 09:14 pm 9
If your faith and values are so important to you then you should only date someone within your faith. If marriage and children are your goal then religion becomes a greater issue. Otherwise you’ll only hurt the person with whom you become involved.
I disagree with Evan to a point - being Jewish, for example, if you live in a city with a large Jewish population (LA or NY) and your faith is that much of a issue you, then there’s enough of a dating pool for you to target. If you really believe in being Jewish and raising a Jewish family then there are enough ways for you to meet other Jewish people.
Lots of people grow up with a certain sense of values based on faith. I’m not saying it’s wrong or right, just that, as someone who grew up with a rich tradition based on faith I can understand why someone would feel this way.
Alternatively, if you date someone outside of your faith and realize you love this person then you have to make a decision. And many people decide to go with the person. If someone decides that their faith is more important then move on. Either way realize that it’s not you, it’s them.
Kat Wilder Nov 26th 2007 at 10:34 pm 10
Faith is a very individual thing, and some people can practice theirs independent of a partner and others want share it with a partner with the same vision and values. There’s no right or wrong; it just is. And if that partnership decides to have kids, well, that adds another layer.
As Evan says, we often don’t know the “why” of things, and as disturbing as that may be, it’s just something we have to accept. If you live your life honestly and mindfully, then you don’t have to beat yourself up wondering “what did I do?”
Glad to hear you’ve moved on and are at peace. Maybe this has even forced you to look at your own faith and clarify its role in your life.
JenNYC Nov 27th 2007 at 09:31 am 11
Evan’s final sentence is hilarious! Though I truly think two people need to be on the same page about religion, and well, most things when it comes to being in a relationship. My boyfriend and I, for example, have talked about whether or not I will work when we have kids. We BOTH agree that if I need to work, or I want to work, than I will work. If we are financially able for me not to work, than I will not. (The truth being I WANT to work as of now so there is no argument.) Okay, so this is nto the same as the religion thing, but we are on the same page and both made it very clear to each other what we expect so as not to have many suprises about our feelings in the years to come….and of course things and circumstances change.
Your man very honestly expressed to you what he feels he wants and must do in the future, so THANK GD (Jesus or whomever) that you know now, and not when you are married, with two kids and living in a one bedroom apartment because he donated 60% of his money to charity when the rent was not paid and the kids need shoes. I do not mean to be funny, but seriously, wouldnt you rather know this now that move forward and wind up resenting him and perhaps even divorcing him?????
It hurts and I am sorry he made that choice, but in the end, after the tears and anger dissipate, you will see how this was truly the best thing that could have happened. Good luck, and you will find a great man who believes as you do!!!!
Jen
Stephanie Nov 27th 2007 at 08:13 pm 12
Evan is right. But, there really comes a time when you need to give up something when you choose to live spiritually. because it can hinder your relationship to God. In our love seminar, I asked the question: Is it alright to have a non-Christian (spiritual) partner? The only main thing the Pastor and his wife gave is based on the Bible. “Do not equally yoke with an unbeliever.”
We might disagree on that. But it is what it is. The main thing there is you just have to make sure you won’t be one with the world or you won’t be astrayed if you choose someone unspiritual. I know not everyone will understand my point and i do not mean to tackle more about this as many might war me on this.
When one becomes a spiritual Christian (catholic, Pentecostal, Evangelistic, Seventh-Day adventist,etc), he reads the Bible, attends church regularly, be active in Church, and living the life God leads him, it is where he learns the value of sacrificing life to God. So it’s like, “God or that special someone?” It is also, “Love means obedience of the heart.” As simply as that, I think.
Stephanie Nov 27th 2007 at 08:21 pm 13
Also, there’s a great difference on someone being religious and someone who’s spiritual. Anyone can be religious as he believes on his faith, he believes on God. But a religious person may not be a spiritual person. A spiritual person is one who exercise his faith–that means— living what he has believed. Your boyfriend is spiritual, though. Coz he really acted according to his faith.
It doesn’t mean that your boyfriend must donate the whole money on the poor as he wants to help. That is great, really great! But it doesn’t mean that HE SHOULD LEAVE HIS RESPONSIBILITIES & PRIORITIES HE WOULD HAVE AS A HUSBAND OR AS A FATHER TO HIS CHILDREN. Of course, he has to pay the mortgage, spare some for the kid’s college fund. And if he has extra money, then that’s the time he should donate. NOT ALL OF HIS MONEY. Coz how would you eat, how would u live if you dont have your primary needs, right?
Susan Nov 28th 2007 at 12:08 pm 14
I’m just wondering if this devout Catholic was a virgin? Or did he pick and choose the parts he believed in? He talked the talk, but did he walk the walk?
WannaGetMatzoBalled Nov 28th 2007 at 07:06 pm 15
You’re right about the yoking up part. Which is why I yoke up exclusively with cute, funny, smart Jewish guys.
A nonbeliever just wouldn’t suit me.
Stephanie Dec 1st 2007 at 02:40 am 16
Kudos to number 4 too! That’s what I wanted to imply. I had hard time trying to express my point but JaguarRose did express it accurately. Hehe, though my boyfriend is an Aglican. he believes on God but he doesn’t believe much on the Bible coz for him, it’s more of stories. Well, I use to emphasize, it’s more than stories. It’s about God opening the way for mankind. Well, the Old Testament are more of stories but REAL! If the Bible isn’t true, then why it is arrurately put into one place, the whole things in the Bible are consistent.
And oh well, coz we have different beliefs, and for him I am religious at times, we rather not discuss it coz i know it’ll just lead to disagreement. But even so, I try to let him see that I walk the walk and not just talk.
Megan Dec 3rd 2007 at 12:45 pm 17
I sort of agree with Evan on this but not entirely. I am agnostic. I wasn’t really raised religious and don’t have any religious feelings for the most part. However I seem to attract Jewish guys and my most significant relationships have been with Jewish men. My last and probably most significant was such a wonderful experience, partially because he is Jewish. Though I don’t have the same faith he has I was genuinely interested in learning about it, not just for the sake of knowing more about him but also because I genuinely cared about who he was and that was a big part of what made him the kind and loving person he has become. Of course we discussed the issue of religion and when we talked about marriage it was sort of a given that it would be a mostly Jewish ceremony though he in no way expected me to convert. So in this case our differences brought us together instead of driving us apart. I think thats part of a good relationship, embracing each other’s differences and learning about them without wanting to change each other.
On the other hand we broke up so what do i know!? I have a hunch that a large part of our very sudden breakup had to with his mother not wanting him to be with a woman who isn’t Jewish. I don’t know for a fact that this is why but there are indicators and well so be it. Not much I can do about that now, however my point is that his being Jewish is part of what I LOVED about him and I appreciated that he appreciated my wanting to know about his faith even if I didn’t agree or want to convert. So I think differences can be just as much an asset to a relationship as they can be a hindrance. Best of luck.